tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1037522223665986932024-03-13T12:07:10.979-07:00Much Ado About NothingCharlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.comBlogger159125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-50748051820271158332022-12-31T07:56:00.002-08:002022-12-31T07:56:21.880-08:00Christmas our way<p> Mel wrote a post about being a non-Christmas-celebrating person wanting to know about Christmas traditions. I am just as fascinated with how others celebrate their own holiday traditions so I thought I’d write about our Christmas and how it looks today.</p><p>We get a real tree every year…I am adamant about this. We usually go the day after thanksgiving every year in search of the perfect tree…a big fall Douglas Fir. This years tree isn’t as big as years past, but it was the biggest we found.</p><p>I usually start holiday shopping in October or November, when I gather things in my virtual carts and wait for a lower price and then curate the list based on everyone’s wish lists. We believe in Santa over here, so I always try and find things not on a wish list that the kids don’t know about and would love. This years scores were a cropped fuzzy Zara jacket (my second daughter and I love high end goods but only when found thrifting or on a resale website) an Xbox game, special toys and games for the little guys, and a new guitar for my husband. Other than the kids, the only other people we shopped for were our moms, one neighbor, and my beauties and I always exchange. My siblings and I and all the kids stopped exchanging long ago because it’s just too much, and not the sole reason for the season anyway.</p><p>This year Christmas Eve was quiet, unlike years past when I’ve hosted large family gatherings and make all the food. A tradition we have had since lunch on Christmas Eve was a huge meal was to order us a lunch meat and deli trays from the grocery store and have that for dinner, so we swapped that out this year for our low key lunch with just our family instead. We finished some holiday baking (just cookies this year, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin) Christmas Eve I spend wrapping alll the things after the kids were in bed, I just can’t seem to do this any sooner even if I had time. I finished and got to bed by about 1am.</p><p>Christmas morning the kids woke us up bright and early, and within an hour we were opening gifts. It starts out with the stockings (candy and a few smaller items, like Uno and lotions for the girls, gift card for my oldest son) and then everyone gets a gift to open and then it’s a free for all basically. I love giving gifts but i don’t love getting them, ever, so it’s weird for me. My husband restored my dads ancient ukuleles I rescued from my parents basement,so I can display them…which is perfect. I also picked out a new luggage set I found for a steal in my favorite color (purple) and other than a few small gifts from the kids and my godmother and our moms that was it. Which suits me just fine. I also gifted my mom some designer duds for tax season when she works, all at resale prices. Top score there was a wool Burberry blazer. </p><p>Christmas morning after presents we always have a huge breakfast of home fries, eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes. My husband has learned how to make everything so he took over while I sat with the kids watching them play with their new stuff having my coffee. It was glorious. We all got to chill all afternoon and I got in a nap before our mothers came over for dinner…marinated flank steak, potato and Mac salad, lasagna, dinner rolls and salad. Cookies for dessert.</p><p>So nothing too crazy, I enjoy the run up to Christmas but it can be very exhausting (especially my bank account hah) so I’m really thankful that this year was relatively low key. It made it that much more enjoyable.</p><p>What are your traditions for whatever you celebrate this time of year.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-25126746944966955282022-12-30T09:38:00.002-08:002022-12-30T09:38:33.654-08:00Highlights from a year<p> Wow well what a year it’s been! Here’s some highlights:</p><p>The year started with my husband losing his job, which sucked in the moment but allowed him to start his own business after a summer of studying and test taking and certifications. It also allowed me to realize the importance of being happy in your job, so I changed jobs, not once, but twice. The job that I initially took ended up being a terrible fit for me in all the ways, so I took a leap and left that job. I start my new job in a couple weeks and I’m pretty confident this will be a really good fit, which I knew with the last job that may not be the case but I was willing to try.</p><p>We found a new vacation spot that we fell in love with and are working toward the goal of moving there, new state about 5 hours away. It seriously felt like home and there is a need for the business my husband does, so it’s not a completely out of reach goal.</p><p>My second daughter will graduate this year, and she has applied to colleges, not in state. This is something that is incredibly hard for me and makes me have all the feels. But she needs to spread her wings and she can’t do that staying here, I need to let her go but MAN is this ever hard. No one prepares you for the letting go.</p><p>I reconnected with my older brother whom I haven’t seen since our dad passed away. Immediately we made plans for me to come visit, across the country and way up in a semi-remote mountain town. It was THE BEST visit and hands down the best part of my year. A piece of me that I didn’t know was missing made me feel whole again. He’s 20 years older than me and we got to talk about Dad and I actually got to have some peace and closure on certain aspects of my life, and I finally have someone who actually looks like me and also acts like me (or I act like him, I was always super close with him growing up.) We talk (well text) almost daily since then and it’s been pretty awesome. He also has a lot in common with my husband so they’ve been chatting a lot too and it’s been this really full circle thing.</p><p>So it’s been a transition year and a mixed bag but overall things are good. Life is good. We’re all here and healthy and happy and I think the way the world is going, that’s a pretty big deal. Therapy has changed my husbands life, our marriage has never been better. There are many blessings to be found when you stick with someone through the worst of things to get to the other side and experience how good things can be. 2023 is full of travel and promise to be a good year. Here’s hoping.</p><p>What was your year like? And if anyone out there is on IG I’d love to follow along with you. My name on there is radmdrtr stop by and say hello! I miss my blogging buddies and I read everything you write, even when I’m not commenting, I’m still there!</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-20768050821291332622022-08-16T18:31:00.001-07:002022-08-16T18:31:50.817-07:00Meet my Great-Niece<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkAkJqgHSWypa2rcTKw1ERlLZ-fk8I8_6gMf2yKOWdEJ33yeEIhtluUq9mxn3TD5ZLeTIs1X5POAkjw4j5xZi0yYZa7zp0eefT-0_lqVJlAEM1HhuyRalwKGXpI60Ms_5hVJmR5Tu3esji8mHURlDUiMs55_nhuHF5aotfLxsstw4KLzRiVi9jcdESYA/s3024/IMG_6690.heic" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkAkJqgHSWypa2rcTKw1ERlLZ-fk8I8_6gMf2yKOWdEJ33yeEIhtluUq9mxn3TD5ZLeTIs1X5POAkjw4j5xZi0yYZa7zp0eefT-0_lqVJlAEM1HhuyRalwKGXpI60Ms_5hVJmR5Tu3esji8mHURlDUiMs55_nhuHF5aotfLxsstw4KLzRiVi9jcdESYA/s320/IMG_6690.heic" width="320" /></a></div><br />This is little Pea. She had a hard beginning and spent some time in the Nicu, but she gets to come home this week and I finally get to meet her in person Thursday! She’s the first baby on that side of the family so she’s extra special. A little slice of Heaven on Earth. I have to admit it makes me Wistful, vehklempt. But I’m letting my happiness for my niece and the pride I have in how well she’s done, and I’m just over the moon. Welcome to this crazy world, my little Pea. I can’t wait to be the coolest great-aunt ever!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglEf5yggxBbI7dccD_tn0IpGwWNExG10mv68GWIlNWsJ30VEkrsbO8WWEAkxqNdicUYAJmKu8S9W2Ttdtgg9H4eg3rhR9xG-163U-7GZWExo0vTYGHTW9fVSelltkj752hFiSo2WRRY36TnkXRbSquyapdERNTp-1H8ZBTuDOydsneZ06_aYYgSRyN3w/s4032/68171354915__6E1862EB-AB8C-4E76-AFD7-B5D9EC4EC461.heic" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglEf5yggxBbI7dccD_tn0IpGwWNExG10mv68GWIlNWsJ30VEkrsbO8WWEAkxqNdicUYAJmKu8S9W2Ttdtgg9H4eg3rhR9xG-163U-7GZWExo0vTYGHTW9fVSelltkj752hFiSo2WRRY36TnkXRbSquyapdERNTp-1H8ZBTuDOydsneZ06_aYYgSRyN3w/s320/68171354915__6E1862EB-AB8C-4E76-AFD7-B5D9EC4EC461.heic" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-24879128813296864142022-07-13T12:50:00.002-07:002022-07-13T12:50:35.685-07:00The New New<p> So let’s just pretend it isn’t been months since I last blog and just get right to it.</p><p>I resigned from my job of almost 15 years.</p><p>Let me back up.</p><p>End of January my husband was laid off, out of the blue and quite unceremoniously. After the shock and sadness wore off of him, I convinced him to start his own business and so now he’s running a small operation from home, and once we get the legal stuff taken care of, it will be busier, we’re all pitching in to pass out business cards and wear logo shirts and it’s going to be a real family thing. Thanks to my online shopping skills, I am the purchaser for all the things. </p><p>So fast forward these past few months, I’ve been carefully balancing vacation days with working extra and my overnight hours plus day hours were really starting to burn me out. Slowly I became less happy at work, but thought I was doing what I had to do.</p><p>Until about a month ago, when the bosses royally fucked up with a market raise that only some people got, and that I didn’t get. This all happened with it showing up on checks before anyone was ever told everything, mind you. Market raises are firstly supposed to be for everybody with the same credentials, which did not happen here. And I figured out on my own the reason I didn’t get mine was over a bullshit write up I got last July because I wasn’t Coddling to the younger people and someone got offended. The senario that was told never happened and I never got asked my side (although you can bet I gave it) but got written up anyway because this person skipped everybody else and went straight to the top who dumped it in the one person with whom dislikes me and that feeling is mutual. I looked it up and it states that write ups that occur in the 12 months prior to a market raise may be used in determining a raise (or not).</p><p>I was at month 11.</p><p>Not wanting to cause anyone any stress or upsetness, I didn’t tell anyone. But I started to realize in my head that this place doesn’t value it’s long term employees. I’ve worked steadily through this entire pandemic and continue to do so. My job is in the city. It’s not safe for me to drive to work or walk into the building across the street. It’s not safe inside because of the types of things we deal with and the patients we get every night. And it’s about an hour commute, so I think the gas prices explain that pretty well. And my work life balance was weighing way down on the work side so that’s been hard on all of us.</p><p>So. I updated my resume, sent it out, and phone started ringing right away and hasn’t stopped. I have an offer I accepted, and it’s a good one, and it’s half the commute or less, although still taking calls, because I don’t start just yet. Everything aligned with when to put in my notice in and my summer vacation I was already approved for. I’m down to my last 2 weeks here. This all happened in a matter of days.</p><p>The healthcare market is in dire straits, as is the whole world right now. I know what my experience is worth, and I demanded it. I went in like a badass version of myself I haven’t felt like in a long while, and I refused to be nervous and intimidated. I was also quite candid which I think may have scored me points because I was real. Like when I was explaining wanting to get out of the inner city hospitals, I said “I don’t want that to be how I die.” Which may sound crazy but it’s true. I’m hyper aware that I am unsafe Everytime I go to work and that’s sad.</p><p>And I got the offer while we were out for our 22nd Wedding Anniversary. So it all seemed so kismet.</p><p>The pandemic has taught me a lot, but mostly that life is too damn short to be wasted on things that don’t matter. I have an older brother I was always close to but that I haven’t seen in 14 years. We reconnected (my daughter messaged him since I’m not on fb) and we started texting like no time had passed, and I booked a trip to go see him in mid-September in the wilderness of Idaho (seriously, he has mountain lions on his property) and he’s going to take me flying, teach me to shoot a gun, and go skydiving. He’s almost 20 years older than me, but he’s up for it. This will be a type of trip I’ve never been on before, but I’m excited. Mostly because he’s my big brother and I miss him. And I wonder why it took so long to find each other again.</p><p>I may have been complacent, coasting, just surviving there for a long while. But I’ve come to a point where I’m so thankful for my life, every the hard stuff, because I’m no wuss. Money and bills are just paper, and most of that dies when I die anyway. May as well stop wishing and start doing.</p><p>I finally feel like me again, and it feels fucking fantastic.</p><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-63223542435381312862021-10-11T23:59:00.004-07:002021-10-11T23:59:30.914-07:00one year later<p> It’s been a year since I effectively upended my entire marriage in a quest for the truth. It’s been a year of heartache, tears, prayers, therapy, and hours upon hours of late nights and long talks. It’s been a year where my mind has been stretched, where I’ve been tested in ways I never expected, where I have had to reach into the depths of my being to learn (or re-learn) empathy even when it seemed like I shouldn’t have any.</p><p>I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought I was, when I had to be enough for the both of us and hold us up through some of the worst. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, that childhood traumas not dealt with can haunt and change a person, and that none of this has ever been about me.</p><p>As hard as it was, something beautiful came from all of the pain and anguish and hurt and doubt; a marriage that survived it all and is stronger and better than it ever was. There is beauty in forgiveness, in letting go of the past which can not be changed. There is a beauty in finally understanding, and accepting, all the things from the past.</p><p>Love is greater than hate. Forgiveness is better than holding onto a grudge. Understanding is better than questioning. </p><p>This did not happen overnight. I struggled for months and months trying to reason all this out in my head…praying for some divine peace, praying for a reason to believe. We both sat on opposite sides of the hurt and pain, struggling to see the other side.</p><p>And then one day in August, everything just clicked. I finally, truly got it. I went to him and said I understood, finally, what he had been trying to tell me for years. I understood him, I understood everything completely, in a way I can’t really describe. But it was like all of a sudden one day, I just knew. And he cried, because I finally got it, finally got him in a way I was never able to before. And it was pretty amazing when it happened.</p><p>My life is a good one. It’s had some crazy twist and turns I never expected, but that’s just life. I am happy. We are happy, to a sickening degree. While the past year was excruciatingly difficult at times, it was completely necessary if we were ever going to be free of the past. Our relationship is so strong, our love is so strong, everything is out in the open, no secrets, no lies, no hiding the past. He’s still in therapy, and he likely will be for a long time. It’s 4 decades of crap to untangle for him.</p><p>As for us…we’re gonna be just fine.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-18266643317166085262021-10-07T16:52:00.000-07:002021-10-07T16:52:02.275-07:00the thing that never leaves<p> For the past several weeks I have been having a string of really strange dreams that have stuck with me long after waking up, leaving me unsettled and just sort of…weird. There isn’t much in common with any of them, yet all involve a small baby somehow. A baby I hold and help care for yet isn’t mine to keep.</p><p>It’s been 3 years since my last pregnancy ended, exactly 3 years since I was in miscarriage labor in that hotel room overlooking the beach. It matters not that I have children…it does not making the pain of losing a baby any easier, nor my heart soothed by that fact.</p><p>I still yearn for that baby, for the others I lost. No matter how hard I try and how much time has passed I still long for another baby, I still long to carry another pregnancy, I still long to have a newborn against my chest, it’s all it’s newness and hope. I am still triggered by baby bumps and baby clothes and pictures of moms with newborns on their chest, infants in their arms.</p><p>It makes me feel like I’m crazy to still feel this way. Am I alone in this?</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-37000792990105080362021-06-29T11:35:00.004-07:002021-06-29T11:35:51.123-07:00It’s not all bad<p> Despite the fact that my life is like some twisted work of fiction but is in face very real, things aren’t all doom and gloom and terrible. Therapy for both of us separately and a clear communication of personal physical boundaries, and we are able to live together and function as a team while everything else just simmers. We have a lot of work to do, but we also can’t live in that negative space all the time. So…cheers to making the best of it I suppose!</p><p>So…onto the good things. Well, for one it’s summer and virtual school is OVER. OMG thank goodness!! It was completely awful for everyone and I sorta can’t wait to put them on the bus in the fall!!</p><p>My birthday is Saturday…lots of mixed feeling on that. Weirdly calm about the number but can’t really believe I am actually an adult of that age. At the end of some days I definitely feel it, but mentally? No way. I still curse like a sailor and act like a fool. I just don’t even care anymore. Lol</p><p>We bought a crap ton of fireworks and together with some neighbors will put on a pretty massive display on Sunday. We have an open field in our front yard we use, the neighbors have an extended hose, and we just get to watch an awesome homemade display. We also somehow snagged a bounce house rental from Friday until Tuesday!! For under $300. So that goes in the front yard right in front of our bay window so the kids can be safely in and out all weekend.</p><p>My brother whose been going through a shitty divorce is in town for 2 days and wanted to hang out and told me to pick a place for dinner tonight. Divorce sucks but it has brought he and I closer and we chat fairly often now when we never did before, so although I hate what he’s going through I’m grateful he still likes me.</p><p>Amazon. Seriously the best. My 7 year old Smoosh loves to craft and create, so I ordered a bunch of different kits and supplies. We tried out the Dino Dig kit where you excavate the fossil and then paint it. Well…we used a tray on the bedroom floor and the rock material makes a HUGE mess. Carpet wasn’t the best place for that. But it was really cool and fun to do.</p><p>Speaking of bedrooms…we are working on the master bedroom currently to give it more our vibe. I’ve always hated the color of our room (lavender) and found this awesome color called Ocean Abyss by Behr where I got a massage a few weeks back, and it’s awesome. A darker gray is going to be the baseboards. Unsure of the doors yet but our attached bathroom is a deep Caribbean blue with cream tile. I also found the perfect coffee table when I wasn’t even looking for one (thanks Amazon🤦🏽♀️) Our little hang out sitting space needed something narrow for storage or if we are having dinner or snacks or playing a game. It’s one that has the pull up arm so the table raises and there is more storage underneath and then a bottom shelf. It’s supposed to be made for smaller spaces. I also but a black metal towel rack with 5 hooks that I need to find a place for. The table should arrive just in time for our 21st wedding anniversary next week (the 7th). </p><p>I know all of this may seem bizarre considering all the circumstances. And it is, believe me. I’d be lying if I said my head wasn’t spinning, because it definitely is. But also…no one is 100% bad and no one is 100% good. We all have shades of darkness and grey, things we did we aren’t proud of. Things we wish we would have done differently. I know I have plenty. I’m not at all making excuses for him, but I would rather let the dust settle and have therapy work some of it magic. I know I wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst day, my worst decision. And for all the terrible trauma my husband has been through, my heart still breaks for him because no human deserves that. And in the end of it wasn’t for all this he wouldn’t have had these memories resurface and be able to get therapy so he can no longer live with so much pain, and for that I am grateful. Part of this has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I had empathy before, but it’s taking me having to try to understand a situation I can completely not even imagine and seeing the bigger picture to really know empathy. And it’s made me better at my job because it requires so much empathy and the people are so poor, so sick in all sorts of ways. It’s the inner city, and the empathy tank can run low if I’m being honest.</p><p>And my life isn’t a bad one. I don’t regret anything about family, we are all happy and get along and are teaching each other lessons everyday. And this guy I met when I was 21, he was 22. And the truth of it is we are each other’s best friends. There is a genuine love there. I guess it got hidden in there somewhere for both of us at times along the way. After not really talking for a couple of days, I finally broke down and started babbling away. I realized I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to talk to. It’s always darkest before dawn…I have to believe it’s about to get brighter if I just hang on.</p><p>And in honor of Pride Month, I would like to leave you with a picture of beautiful, crazy, bisexual me (Charlotte), a few weeks ago clowning at work before putting on scrubs🤪</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9lissEosjLYnl9UUutEeHVX3gWdF6k0RfdWIH-4mleP0OHwdmozQNlv3qNGQhLoOnExT4vRr4kM7qKXH7HQX4oli47fgpbhz_QHRLSiUaS68Y-vIS2Vlwu0_ZX2uW1tijz3Ob-Les4gHx/s986/94D306D5-4E2C-42C6-8F13-9A7568C5C94A.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="986" data-original-width="986" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9lissEosjLYnl9UUutEeHVX3gWdF6k0RfdWIH-4mleP0OHwdmozQNlv3qNGQhLoOnExT4vRr4kM7qKXH7HQX4oli47fgpbhz_QHRLSiUaS68Y-vIS2Vlwu0_ZX2uW1tijz3Ob-Les4gHx/w200-h200/94D306D5-4E2C-42C6-8F13-9A7568C5C94A.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpJKSx9BcnVke7eOjtERjDQiW0CuMMIJ3Chj_7U6vKa7qyIHeGDleEku1usaCcyBsUwoPVT2D2ZmDfQ1ST-JVxTMcRsFyNhmff7GukY7_0fEqgrm77-nONk8NroQopQYaB7eDixibtzALM/s2778/IMG_0469.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2778" data-original-width="1284" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpJKSx9BcnVke7eOjtERjDQiW0CuMMIJ3Chj_7U6vKa7qyIHeGDleEku1usaCcyBsUwoPVT2D2ZmDfQ1ST-JVxTMcRsFyNhmff7GukY7_0fEqgrm77-nONk8NroQopQYaB7eDixibtzALM/w296-h640/IMG_0469.PNG" width="296" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-64265119493254502752021-06-22T08:41:00.002-07:002021-06-22T08:41:22.118-07:00i’m not ok, either<p> Jess wrote last week (I think it was last week) about NOT being ok.And all I could think of was, I’m not ok, either.</p><p>Because I’m not. My feelings about being wary of my husband going through therapy became true; because to talk about himself means to talk about me. I’m so tangled up in his lies and his past that of course I would come up. And then it brought up more things that were lies….and it’s left me feeling broken. Every single thing on every list of emotional manipulation and sexual predator behavior he used on me in the beginning, over and over, and made me feel safe so I would trust him. Finding all of this out 21 years later is a sucker punch to the gut. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Disgusted. Just sick to my stomach over each memory. Realizing just how far he went to get what he wanted…convincing me to not use protection and try for a baby, all while doing the same thing with his wife (who I knew nothing about until I was 4 months pregnant).</p><p>Realizing how he failed to protect me then, and how he failed to protect me now. He held on to the secrets and lies and made me go to his ex-wife to find out the truth. It was brutal and painful and horrific in every way to sit across from this person and hear all about my husband who I thought I knew. And then when I didn’t have all the pieces, instead of coming clean he made my brain work like a detective to put everything in order.</p><p>And then my brain and body had the realization that he, as a victim of sexual abuse, abused me by abusing my trust, by lying to me about absolutely everything and hiding anything he didn’t want me to see. Hurt people Hurt people, and he hurt me. Parts of me feel beyond repair. Physically my body does not want to be close to his. The few words he says ring hollow. Everything I’ve ever asked of him he hasn’t been able to do. He’s broken too. And he broke me.</p><p>What do you do if the foundation of your relationship was based on lies and deceit, and manipulation?? How in the hell do you even begin to fix that? All while knowing leaving isn’t an option. I will not punish my kids because of him. And ironically, he’s a pretty decent dad, albeit not super affectionate as they get older. But man.</p><p>I feel stupid. I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel violated. I feel lost. I feel such a deep sadness it feels like it may swallow me whole.</p><p>I don’t know when I’ll be ok again.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-25728991975961427412021-05-24T14:14:00.001-07:002021-05-24T14:14:53.813-07:00CurrentlyLet’s see…right now I’m…<div><br /></div><div>Drinking a now-cold latte from Wawa from this morning.</div><div><br /></div><div>Listening to-the tv in the background and my little boys wrestling with my husband.</div><div><br /></div><div>Playing a drawing game with Smoosh (7).</div><div>Answering a million non-.stop questions from my Cuddle Bud (5)</div><div><br /></div><div>Waiting to get to take a nap before work again tonight. Currently I’ve been awake now for 24 hours straight.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wanting to get my music playlists completed and organized. I lost so much stuff from old music accounts and phone transfers over the years and I hate general radio and anything with ads.</div><div><br /></div><div>Excited for date night on Thursday. Half of it involves errands but we are definitely going to do something together out of the house that’s just for us too. We try to do these at least biweekly to maintain some sort of sanity and connection.</div><div><br /></div><div>Reading…well I just finished a textbook on medical ethics for my CE credits. I have several books to choose from but my brain feels kind of fried. Trying to keep up with blogs (I don’t even follow all THAT many, and few who post regularly) and commenting has been challenging enough for me lately!</div><div><br /></div><div>Listening to a real weird mix of all generals and eras thanks to an incomplete playlist and a free Siri’s/XM subscription. It’s actually been a really fun to dive into and it’s so amazing how our brains can remember songs we haven’t heard in decades, yet I can’t ever figure out where I put my damn keys 🤣</div><div><br /></div><div>Working on some financial moves that will hopefully put us in a better position moving forward. Hoping everything aligns because I have big plans.</div><div><br /></div><div>Failed at growing some plants from seedlings. It started out so promising and then everything just died. After much google I probably “over-loved” them. ~le sigh~</div><div><br /></div><div>Wishing I didn’t have to go to work tonight, but at least it’s my last one in this series of shifts.</div><div><br /></div><div>Dreading the full moon on Wednesday and all the weirdness and craziness that always happens.</div><div><br /></div><div>Happy Monday?!</div><div><br /></div><div>For more micro-blog Monday fun visit stirrup-queens.com</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-3980128403258709842021-05-07T09:56:00.002-07:002021-05-07T09:56:50.864-07:00Friday SoapBox<p> So this comment was left on a blog I follow, and it has really irked me. Besides the fact that I consider Lollipop Goldstein a friend so the personal attack upset me, but the entire reason for the comment shows so much ignorance to what the ENTIRE WORLD has been going through. While I get that there are area that have not been hit very hard by Covid, you would have to live under a rock to not be aware of this Global Pandemic. And really, it’s like a twisted 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon game, except that now it’s nearly impossible to find someone who doesn’t know someone who has been affected by Covid in some way.</p><p><br /></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">“I will never understand why this is a debate… if you choose to mask and vaccinate and you believe those things actually work, then it shouldn’t matter if someone else chooses not to mask/vaccinate because your mask/vaccine “protects” you, either they work or they don’t. I don’t understand why some people think they have the right to tell others what to do with their body. Also, let’s be real, you are an introvert who is completely happy rarely socializing or leaving their house, that’s cool, but not everyone has to live the same way. Please stop using your introverted preference to dictate other people’s freedoms/lifestyle.”</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">I’ve left out the name of the commenter because this isn’t to call one person out, but rather to show how that over a year in, there are still people who don’t get it.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">The restrictions and mask requirements are not to infringe in anyone else’s rights, they are protection for ALL humans. Don’t I also have a right to not be exposed to illnesses (not just Covid, mind you, masks are helping keep people from getting ANY kind of illness. How many colds/stomach bugs/strep throat/etc, etc has anyone who has followed the rules had in the last year? Even if you personally haven’t worn a mask, you’ve likely not gotten sick because of the people who are wearing them. And it’s basic science that when 2 people wear a mask and social distance the rate of any type of illness transmission is reduced to almost zero.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">Whether we agree or like it or not, EVERYONE has to do their part if we ever want this to be over. This isn’t an option and has nothing at all to do with rights. I don’t know why we as an American culture feel that every single mandate put in to place is a personal attack on any one or group of individuals, and I’m specifically talking about Pandemic-related mandates. It would make way more sense if these were nationwide restrictions until the collective numbers went down, but every state and even county or town has their own set of rules, making it tricky if you commute or travel.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">But make no mistake. I have been working on the front lines since this whole thing started….I’ve seen the worst of the worst of this virus up close. Covid doesn’t discriminate between sex, race, age, health, or social status. In short-this is EVERYONE’S problem and responsibility as a human to try and help solve and do what we can for the greater good. And if wearing a mask feels too restrictive, then stay home. Shop online. Or maybe stop being selfish and wear the mask in honor of those who died of Covid, or because of Covid, like so many people isolated in nursing care facilities who just declined due to the isolation. Get a vaccine for those who are immune compromised or otherwise can’t receive a vaccine…for all the children under 16 who aren’t currently eligible. Wear a mask for them.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">But for God’s sake stop thinking that everyone else can do the work to stop this, and the selfishness and short-sightedness that comes from this commenter’s way of thinking. Because if too many people think that way and keep naively believing it’s all about control and rights, all the vaccines given out won’t matter, we won’t hit the threshold for herd immunity. And what happens then?</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.3); caret-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.7); font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px;">***And just as a PSA…if you don’t like or agree with someone, by all means have a valid argument that makes sense, and leave the personal attacks out, it’s just so unnecessary, and doesn’t do anything to support your point. It just makes you look (and sound) like a jerk. Kindness goes a long way. If you don’t like what’s being said, you can stop reading. THAT, you have total control over.</span></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-54420069200383504942021-05-03T09:24:00.001-07:002021-05-03T09:24:12.060-07:00Monday Feels<p> My anxiety kicked up last night on my way to work. Having been awake the entire night, my brain is exhausted. And when my brain gets exhausted all the feels come out. So here’s what’s on my mind that’s apparently been riding under the surface and is now manifesting itself into physical signs of anxiety. (Sore joints, tendinitis acting up in a different area every day, you know, all the fun things.</p><p>My husband. And his therapy. And all the awful things he has talked about, and all the awful things he still has to talk about, a lot including me, some about the bad shit we’ve been through. Some of that stuff was hard enough for me to live through the first time…I don’t know how I am going to walk this path with him. I will, of course. I just hope it doesn’t break me in the process. Or break us.</p><p>Panic about things going back to “normal.” I don’t feel safe in a crowded grocery store, I can’t imagine going back to life as normal. And it’s still far too soon for the things some leaders are doing, like our local mayor in the beach town, who lifted the mask mandate on the freaking boardwalk, which is a super crowded, packed in situation at the pier end. It was a nightmare before Covid. Is anyone else feeling this way?</p><p>Over the past year and a half I lost a ton of weight, and am back down to highschool weight again somehow, although my body is shaped completely differently now!! So I had my annual physical and tons of labs done…and all my hormone levels were normal…!?!?…even my AMH and FSH and LH were all in normal ranges. Yet it’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and despite no protection I haven’t gotten pregnant since. Not trying/not avoiding, not even keeping track of my cycle at all. I’ll be 43 this summer. I don’t know what to do with this information…the crazy part of me thinks oh well I still have a shot…and the rationale part of me says it’s ridiculous. Nothing fills a baby shaped hole. Nothing.</p><p>With the pandemic my youngest, who is 5 now, did not get a chance to go to preschool. And while I know he’s smart, I don’t know that’s he’s exactly ready for Kindergarten, being the baby of the family and all. I am seriously considering homeschooling him for the first half of next school year at least, to try and give him one on one attention and get him ready. I am in no way meant to be a teacher, but out of all my kids he’s the one I think would work with me best, and it’s kindergarten, so surely I can manage that. I’m just starting to look into programs, so if anyone knows a good one I would love to know.</p><p>We were away at a family event back in March, and of course there will always be drama when families get together, I know that. But once again it proved how misunderstood I am and have always been with my family, how much of the black sheep I am. My sister actually called tore me down and reamed me out for a situation I wasn’t actually a part of, and said some pretty hurtful things to me. Anymore I realize that among family, the only place I’m safe to be myself and not be judged is in my own home, with my own family. While the kids all had a great time and it could potentially be our spring break vacation spot, I feel like I don’t really want to go back anytime soon. I never confronted my sister and I don’t think I’m going to…because if she truly thinks about me how she said when she was yelling at me, I would rather not know and have confirmation. Because I feel like I know the answer. And it sucks.</p><p>If any of my blog friends want to follow me on IG, I’d love that. I’m @radmdrtr . Stop by and say hi!!</p><p>Follow stirrup-queens.com for more MicroBlog Mondays.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-65565536210207250282021-04-01T00:59:00.001-07:002021-04-01T00:59:03.206-07:00the least we can do<p> One of my best friends from my work lost her older brother to Covid this past weekend. He had a positive test 10 days prior. He felt bad, but never felt “worse”. He was healthy. He was 53. And he’s gone.</p><p>This isn’t the first Covid related death that has happened first hand to someone I know...it’s getting increasingly more like a morbid six degrees of separation situation (like the Kevin Bacon game) that any 6 people has known someone who has had Covid and ended up with lifelong disabilities if they survived at all. My neighbor’s best friend’s husband passed away from Covid. My husband’s (former now) secretary has been left permanently blind from complications of Covid amoung a host of other things left damaged by this virus. My best friend’s brother, our beloved doctor. Both gone. I bet if I start asking the number rises.</p><p>The truth from the front lines is that the varriants are here, and they are more deadly than the first. Please everyone, don’t let your guard down even if vaccinated. These patients, they are sicker than ever. And younger than ever, too. </p><p>It’s so hard to watch anyone you love grieve over something so sudden. It seems like it’s even more devastating because we have been there for a year now working shift after shift, submitting our blood for study samples, getting the vaccine first to prove it’s safe, working in the chaos and hell fighting this damn thing. It feels so personal.</p><p>I was talking to another one of our close friends tonight and we were all checking on each other and trying to decide something to do. It’s so hard to be in a place where there’s nothing good to say, nothing you can do seems sufficient enough to covey the heartache we share with her. I know we talk a lot in these spaces as just abiding with them, holding space for them, grieving silently along with them and fervently praying (if that’s your thing. It’s definitely mine.)</p><p>But sometimes we can get complacent...not knowing what to do so instead we do nothing or that so much time has passed it seems irrelevant now, or that’s it’s so hard for any number of reasons. I know I have been that way about things before, for way less important things.</p><p>They need food, we know our girl hasn’t been eating. I remember when my dad passed, it was so nice to have food everyone could just emotionally stuff ourselves in between all the other million things that need to be done when a person dies...it’s SO much. Being fed is a basic human comfort, and having someone bring me food (not that it happens often!!) brings me so much warmth and comfort.</p><p>I picked one of her favorites...one I know she won’t be able to resist eating...and it’s healthy and sustaining and home cooked and comforting af. I had to give her a heads up to see when a good time would be to have the meal delivered, and she was thanking me, and I said “it’s the least we could do”.</p><p>It’s so easy now to do things like send someone a warm blanket or a hot meal to their door. Or type a quick text. Or answer that email. Or answer the phone. Those are the least things we can do during this ongoing pandemic that just won’t quit.</p><p>Imagine if everyone, everyday, did just a little more than “least”. Just imagine.</p><p>***I also want to add a little footnote here, because I didn’t know where to fit it above. My friend that lost her brother is single and childless. My other friend I mentioned above is married and childless by choice. When shit hits the fan, as long as you have some strong friends around you, you will be ok. Whether you have kids or not. These girls to me are my extended family, and we protect and care for each other. Having children or not doesn’t matter...and it shouldn’t.</p><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-47919579971605918362021-03-29T09:26:00.001-07:002021-03-29T09:26:21.719-07:00what’s old is new again<p> Well, it only took 25ish years...but did y’all hear? The 90’s are back in style. Just google “mom jeans” “crop shirts” and “doc martens”. The style is also listed as Y2K for that late 90’s, early 2000’s vibe. I’m not even kidding. My closet of jeans and docs and flannels (which are a hit again now) and scrunchies, is back in style. The only bad part? Now we’re just called “vintage”!!</p><p>Follow stirrupqueens.com for more micro blog Monday fun.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-17280863827901640322021-02-05T11:10:00.004-08:002021-02-05T11:20:45.124-08:00The Matriarch <p> Last year, in late spring, my husband’s grandmother, the matriarch of the family, passed away. Shortly after is when some of the secrets and lies started coming out. First with the recipe, then with the discovery of secret accounts, then when my whole world sort of imploded.</p><p>After all the initial shock and hurt wore off, I started my search for answers. I had a million puzzles pieces that didn’t seem like they belonged in the same puzzle.</p><p>Oh, but they did. I know I wrote before about seeing the whole picture, but it ended up being so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.</p><p>My husband’s family came from money. His hardworking grandfather built a business that was thriving. Then he passed away and his son and son in law ran it into the ground with their greed. My husband’s grandmother has a family reputation to uphold in that dated and old fashioned way. Her children lived off of her handouts, were never responsible with money, and they knew they would always get more. I could see even from the beginning how they used her for money...they weren’t really ever shy about talking about it, but they all let their requests from each other. My husband always felt very strongly about being disappointed in them for there behaviors and denounced every treating his grandmother like that.</p><p>My husband had a traumatic childhood...things he is just now facing in therapy. His grandmother was a huge part of bringing stability to his early life, and he always looked up to her for that. On the heels of being sexually abused by his stepmother when he was 12-13, he met his best friend and they fell in love...it was the only person he ever trusted completely. It was a secret that everyone knew and no one talked about. These two guys were never allowed on either side by family to live each other out loud. There was a lot of shame and guilt they both felt. A lot of pressure to be normal or straight.</p><p>My husband’s grandmother talked to him, told him how he needed to get over this phase he was going through. That it wasn’t how there family did things, and that it would be an embarrassment to the family. That he had met this nice girl and just get married to her, and to do what he needed to do in secret but by being married to a woman it would be easier to hide. And he had just met someone who he thought he was into, but realized he wasn’t...turns out she portrayed herself as one thing and he discovered who she really was...and he didn’t really even like her by then.</p><p>And she offered him an insane amount of money to “do the right thing” for the family. And he was hurt and confused by that. But it was his grandmother and he didn’t want to disappoint her or let his family down. So he made this deal with her...he would marry this girl, had to stay married for a year to get the lump sum, and would continue to get handouts as long as he stayed.</p><p>And so this charade went on for over two years. All of his friends told him he was making a mistake...by the best friend was the only one who mattered, and he wasn’t strong enough to declare his love out loud. My husband punished himself by staying with someone he was starting to outright hate. And I can confirm since I got to know her that she is a very manipulative person...someone who does nothing to help their situation, just played the victim. She claimed she loved him, but if she did she would have surely seen, especially since she knew about their relationship, how broken-hearted and torn he was. But instead she told him how terrible he was and that he needed to change...and fully admitted to me he just wanted him to love her the way she “loved” him. Which is so selfish and the opposite of love. And she still doesn’t see that, even now.</p><p>Everyone around him always told him he needed to change. Not friends, but his family, and this girl who claimed to love him. Not even his grandmother, who he trusted so much and held on such a high pedestal, was showing him love by her actions, and he fully realized this. He didn’t think he deserved love. I’m not sure if he even believed in it at that point. It was horrible for him, so much anger, so much self hate, holding on to such big secrets all alone.</p><p>I fell in love with him the second he looked up from the bar...instantly, like some cosmic thing washed over me. Being with him was so easy...like I was born to love him, like o had always loved him. It wasn’t a slow burn at all, it just felt like I had always loved him I just hadn’t found him yet.</p><p>And the universe is crazy...because there are a dozen places we were both at at the same time over the years but we had never met before that one fateful night.</p><p>And I am the only person who has ever fully loved him for him and not tried to change him, not once, not ever. And I could see him wrestling with things over the years but I never understood why. Even in our darkest times, he would never ask his grandmother for money or help. Ever. And I saw different conversations we had that were triggers.</p><p>His grandmother being the puppet master was the last piece I finally figured out...it wasn’t as obvious and I had to dig deeper. I upset a lot of people in my quest for the truth, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more, something I was missing. And her piece to the puzzle makes it so much more complicated for my husband. I told him I knew he didn’t tell me because “that’s your grandmother, you don’t want to think badly or have other people think badly of her” and he admitted that yes that was his big concern, and why this never came out when she was alive. He was worried that I would treat her differently had I known, so he again sacrificed himself and held the secret alone, all for her.</p><p>Only in her death was he ever going to have a chance at finding peace.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-56682187587050143182020-12-28T06:27:00.003-08:002020-12-29T03:54:06.639-08:00recipes and secrets<p> There is another story I want (need) to tell, but in order for it to make sense, you really need to know the beginning. And this is the beginning, or as close as I can get.</p><p>When my husband’s grandmother was passing away but still lucid, I thought to ask my mom in law for her mother’s cookie recipe, just known as grandmother’s cookies, always given nestled in plastic inside a tin, they were a delicate cookie, like the expensive ones in the specialty section of the grocery store, where it’s like $8.99 for 12 cookies and by the time you get them home half are broken from the shuffling around. She had the original copy of the recipe, and gladly gave it to me.</p><p>After she had passed away and we were planning the memorial, I decided that a sweet gesture would be to make her cookies in her honor. No one else is the family made them or ever wanted to try...I’m the baker and chef of our family. Upon reading the recipe, I had to read it 3 times and flip it over to look on the back. While ingredients and amounts are there, it ships right to putting them on the tray and into the oven. It’s handwritten so it’s no mistake. It dawned on my what a sly, smart woman she was. It was her recipe, the one she was known for and who everyone knew to expect when they saw her, and whose cookies everyone could identify in the dessert table. The cookies that would be hidden inside their tins tucked away in secret spots to prevent them from being stolen by others...everyone got their own tin and would easily go through them in a day and search for someone else’s stash.</p><p>I told my husband when I discover this that “she was sneaky. Don’t be surprised if there are some secrets that come out and her will and papers come out and we all start going through things. This was not an accident or coincidence. She purposely did not put the technique, which any baker knows for a delicate cookie like this is crucial for texture and there’s no real room for error in these cookies. You just wait.”</p><p>Well, now I’m eating my words because things did come out. But that’s another story, the one I want to tell next.</p><p>So some days before the memorial I decided to try the recipe. My mom in law was over and I though perfect she can taste test them for me and see if I can recreate these.</p><p>I looked up towed the heavens and said “ok mom-mom you got me. That was pretty good, but I’m better. I got this.”</p><p>And I figured it out based on what I knew and they came out exactly prefect.</p><p>I didn’t know what kind of forbidding I was predicting when I spoke those words to the heavens. But man.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-24989308520585201332020-12-27T02:44:00.004-08:002020-12-27T02:44:40.686-08:00A Christmas Miracle<p> Amazing things can happen when you let love, kindness, and empathy lead. It can be a very hard thing to do, but if you can live like that you will reap great rewards. I know. Because it happened to me.</p><p>My story that I’ve been posting about is completely crazy, weird, bizarre, scandalous...the stuff of tv dramas and bad TV movies. Yet it is all true, and it’s my life.</p><p>Things seemed to take an unexpected turn at my last post. Guys, this stuff has been really hard to deal with and process at the tail end of a year that was weird and hard in its own right, for everyone on the planet. I’m fatigued, and when that happens I tend to cross over to the dark side and sometimes get stuck there.</p><p>But since working hard on my mental health and trying to be a more positive, calm, happy person, I knew I couldn’t stay in the dark place for long.</p><p>My husbands lies and actions were awful, but they were coming from a place of rejection and hurt and distrust. In the time since I wrote about learning the truth, more and more truths have come to light, more dark secrets and fears that were hidden have come out. The understanding I have of this man I married is incredible...and it’s given me a real way to help him. He’s been in therapy for a couple weeks now trying to sort out the traumas of his childhood.</p><p>And that never would have happened if it weren’t for his ex, who so bravely opened up to me about their shared past. Together we were able to give each other the pieces we truly needed to see the complete picture, and it allowed her some new understanding and closure after all this time. It gave me a jumping off point to further keep putting the pieces together for him to have his memory jogger enough. It also gave him great understanding of all the hurt he caused, because he had been hurt over and over again during his childhood by people he was supposed to be able to trust and who were supposed to protect him.</p><p>Yes, I had a big crush on this girl. Yes I think she is amazing. But we are friends...and friends we will stay. Talking to her reminds me of talking to an old friend, like talking to my sister.</p><p>So tonight (the 23rd) I found myself done every outside of the house errand, went to alll the packed stores, finished everything. I had a lot of cooking and baking to do...hours worth. Her and I often FaceTime in the evening and sit and chat over folding laundry and a glass of wine, and it’s strangely comforting. Her and I were chatting and as this is her first Christmas after a difficult split, I could sense she was feeling lonely, as I was. I may have a house full of people but it’s not the same as having a sibling or friend to hang out with while doing all the things. I lamented to her that I wish there was a way she could just come over with her girls and hang out. She said she wished that too, and I say maybe someday...</p><p>My husband hadn’t seen her in 20+ years...he has a lot of guilt and shame about all of that regarding her.</p><p>But, like I said I can’t live in the dark place, I also can’t sit on things I want to do or things that have to be done...I don’t like things hanging over me. It unsettles me at best. So I broached the subject with my husband tonight. He hasn’t even been comfortable with us talking, let alone anything more like a friendship. But I pressed on because that’s what I do. I told him the above story and asked if he thought that would ever be possible. So of course his first reaction was to balk. A lot. But I have a way with words and thoughts and I was able to explain why this is important to me, why she is important to me.</p><p>You see, she is part of my story, as much as I don’t like the plot line. She fills in so many parts of all of it, the same as she does now.</p><p>So we had her and her youngest daughter over that night. They talked privately, albeit briefly. I checked in with them both separately to make sure each was ok. She stayed for several hours, and we just chatted and baked cookies and did mom stuff. Occasionally my husband would pop in and chat for a few or crack a couple jokes, always his way, which I happen to adore. I love that he makes me laugh. And it was a really fun time.</p><p>Since I first started this post on Christmas Eve (it’s Saturday night now) we have all hung out again. She and I had decided since everything was cool or could at least be going forward, that we should get a do over, a chance to really get together to hang out without all the awkwardness of the initial start to the night that sort of hung over us. We all kept it light and funny and just make jokes about the weirdness of the whole situation. So our plans were for her to meet at our house Saturday night, all three of us do a shot together and cheers to friends, then her and I would go find somewhere that wasn’t crowded to grab a late dinner. (Which wasn’t at all hard to do in the closest couple towns near me)</p><p>*****side note, I get the vaccine tomorrow (Sunday)!!! I had to read all the disclosures and it’s scary but also not because the information they are providing is is directly from the Pharm company and is incredibly transparent, but also because I’m now part of a clinical study, and they will be taking media photos and recording this crazy bit of history we are all a part of. But I wholeheartedly believe in science, it’s been my passion for as long as I can remember. So vaccinated I will get.*****</p><p>So back to Saturday...of course nothing could go to plan. Late Friday night she texted in a panic because some lights came in in her car. It’s already been a year, her first Christmas separated from her husband, and she struggles from anxiety and depression, which I know all too well. So I offered to help and I talked to my oldest son whose a mechanic (he’s 15 but he’s got skills) and he agreed for us to go help her Saturday morning, as long as he was back in time to leave with his oldest sister and her mechanic boyfriend to look at a truck my son wanted to buy. We even found time on Christmas Eve to make an after dinner run to a liquor store and pick out a couple last minute gifts and a nice bottle of whiskey to shoot. Everything was set. Until.</p><p>UNTIL...</p><p>Hubs and I stay up stupid late Christmas night into Saturday. Basically take a nap. Get up and start getting ready and make sure my son is awake. I’m in the middle of getting dressed when I hear my son from the hallway saying how he can’t go, he had to leave with his sister rightnow!! Wait, what?! Mind you we are already running late and I’ve told her we’d be on the way in 10 minutes. Find out my oldest daughter on a whim changed all these plans to suit what she woke up and felt like doing, had everyone all worked up as per usual, ended up leaving with her big and my son to go to look at the truck...and I’m standing there trying to figure out how I’m going to still help her, when I see my husband pulling on his boots and saying her would go to help. So we went with it. I did text her on the way to warn her, asking her to take a breath and not freak out, so she had a good half hour to get used to the idea. I’ve told him over and over that the more normal he acts, the more normal it will be, for everyone. So we got there and he acted like he was going to help an old friend, making jokes, giving advice, eventually fixing the problem for her without too much effort.</p><p>Later that night I was running behind again because my husband I were spending some quality time together while the kids were all occupied with all the new things. Hey, ya gotta stay connected, amiright?! And naked time is the best stress reliever!!!</p><p>I digress.</p><p>So neither of us were quite ready when she got there but he was more ready than me so he had to answer the door. Luckily the little boys were still up and the older two teeens were floating around so she was well entertained for 10 minutes.(I check the clock when I came downstairs haha) But I brought down my socks and boots and makeup and sat and chatted with her while I finished getting ready (not a usual wearer of makeup but I do like too sometimes even if it’s simple. But these days I’m doing it more because it makes me feel good, and I could always use more of that!! About 10 minutes before we left we all Saluted to friends and had a shot of some of the smoothest whiskey I’ve ever had, and just talked for the last couple minutes. It was nice, it was fun, it was comforting.</p><p>I’ve talked to both of them separately to make they are each feeling ok with everything and they both have said that it’s just like a person they once knew, like an old old friend. Usually there’s always gonna be some tension in any long term relationship, even friendships, and so when he reframed it that way he was like yeah it’s like a chance to make things right and ok in the universe. In his universe. She has made a peace with everything long ago.</p><p>And I have grown so much from this...I have learned the power of unconditional love...I have learned that I was correct in not stopping my search for the truth, even when my digging caused some huge waves for a lot of people, and that I will always fight for the truth, I have learned how deeply flawed we are as humans, every one of us, though some more than others. But if we can look past the exterior and see what’s inside it’s so damn beautiful. Leading with kindness and love in mind, even when it’s hard. I’ve learned just how incredibly strong and smart and empathetic, and downright fierce I am. I’ve learned an entirely new and deep love for my husband, in a way words can’t describe. I am so damn proud of him. Because of his willingness to fight his instincts and live in the area of kindness and love. Because he’s open to seeing the beauty and it just might change his heart for the better even more. I’ve learned what it truly means to look at someone and such a detailed whole picture, to know every secret there is to know, to know all the bad things but to also see the immense good that is there, and to just let the love surround us and guide us through. Letting love lead.</p><p>So this crazy twisty wind-y story of mine isn’t over, far from it. I don’t know the ending yet, but I know that all of these characters that make up my crazy, messy, blended times I don’t even know how many times anymore family, will be in my story until the very end.</p><p>“Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. All is bright.”</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-70812945445655934032020-12-11T08:30:00.000-08:002020-12-11T08:30:05.817-08:00where it gets twisty-er...<p> As if all of the other things in alllll of this aren’t weird enough, I go and do what I do best...make it weirder. That’s my specialty, apparently.</p><p>Oooof. Ok. Putting my husband back in touch with his best friend/former (and again to be current?) lover, I also had a long heart to heart with his best friend. And it gave me a ton of insight. And how right now they both really, really need each other.</p><p>Over the last several months I have developed an incredibly close friendship with a woman and it has recently become a very strong attraction to each other on both our parts, not by force or anything, just incredibly naturally. We have not acted on anything, merely acknowledged to each other that this is feeling like something more and we are trying to work through that. I’m aware how I’ll advised this is, completely. My eyes are wide open here. But when the heart starts getting involved things start getting really complicated and that is something her and I need to sort out, for everyone’s sakes. The twisty-est part of all of this is that she is my husbands ex-wife.</p><p>I KNOW.</p><p>But. He created this crazy entanglement of people and circumstances by lying his whole life to everyone around him. The past was always going to catch up with him. We all had to make connections to put all the pieces together. In some ways it all feels like we were pawns in his sadistic game of chess. The dark angry part of me feels that way.</p><p>But the connections that happened between all of us in different ways are all authentic, based on a mutual shared past and the blurring of the lines long ago. No one in this situation is holding grudges or acting out of revenge or hate...we are all too old for that.</p><p>My husband is all wrapped up in his therapy and reconnecting with his best friend...I’m sort of over here holding all the pieces together. Right now I feel like the glue.</p><p>It’s messy and twisted and weird for sure. But this is my life, and I have to find a way through all of this mess, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it may be.</p><p>Thank you for everyone following along and leaving these amazing comments. I appreciate the company, support, and love on this crazy ride and wish nothing but the absolute best for all of you. Hopefully you feel the love, because I sure do.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-81768154793823676192020-12-07T21:11:00.002-08:002020-12-07T21:47:59.243-08:00up and downs <p> There’s no way any of this was ever going to be smooth sailing. The truth isn’t a magical cure for all the hurt that was caused. It doesn’t erase the feelings of sadness, anger, pain. It doesn’t erase the distrust, the doubts, the fear.</p><p>It takes digging very deep within myself to find the courage and strength and love I need to get us through this. And it’s exhausting...I’ve been living in this space for weeks, months now...and I’m so tired.</p><p>Sometimes, like right now, it’s all I can do not to just curl up in a ball and cry. To shut the world out and just grieve and cry until I have nothing left. But I don’t have that luxury. And even if I did, I couldn’t because my husband needs me more. I have to be brave and strong for him.</p><p>But what happens when I waiver, when I don’t feel strong, or like I can’t emotionally handle much more? What happens when I feel like all these things have broken me, too?</p><p>It’s just a phase, it will eventually pass and somehow I will summon the strength to keep going for both of us, until we can both hold our own again.</p><p>It’s just that right now I feel like I’m sinking. Who’s gonna save me from drowning?</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-74590513974679136772020-12-03T12:01:00.005-08:002020-12-04T11:13:31.121-08:00the truth shall set you free<p> Thank you to everyone who is reading and following along with me on this journey. I have felt the strength and love and prayers I have been sent by everyone. I’ve had some very intense experiences with feeling the love and peace and calm and knowing where it came from. But this post isn’t about that.</p><p>What happens when you open Pandora’s Box and take a see dive into the past is that sometimes there are truths that pop out that are pieces of information...but it’s like opening an old chest in an attic and sifting through lifetimes worth of stuff that is basically like dumping a 1000 piece puzzle out all over the floor. The pieces are there, but it takes a lot of time to sort the edges from the middle, and the bit of info are so tiny compared to the big picture it can take a while to see what’s supposed to be there when all the pieces are sorted and put back together the right way. But sometimes it takes trying a whole bunch of different pieces to find the ones that click together. Sometimes there are so many pieces that even ones that seems to fit together isn’t always the right pieces in the end.</p><p>So that’s what happened...I had all the pieces but they didn’t fit together, even though they seems to at first. I had pieces together that didn’t fit, and the big picture I got still didn’t look the the picture on the box. So I pulled what I had put together all apart and tried to rearrange the pieces so that the true picture became clear.</p><p>One I spent my time grieving and writing and hours upon hours of talking it was so obvious that the truth had been sitting right in front of me the entire time, the pieces were just put together wrong. What snapped me out of it was my old friend who was there the night I met my hubby...she sort of initiated the entire thing. She’s know me over half my life now. She said to me “I’ve know you since you were a 19 year old little brat running around the hospital, and you are one of the strongest people I have ever known, so act like it”. And I was l like “Oh yeah...I am strong. I forgot who’s daughter I was for a second there, but I got it now.” And I took a step back at my puzzle and realized it was all wrong.</p><p>The truth that came out because of my unrelenting quest for the truth, and the inability to reconcile the person I knew with the lies he had told, the things he had done. Something wasn’t making sense. I took myself back in time. Remembered everything from the day we met onward. And one thing I kept thinking of is how I’ve looked into my husbands eyes millions of times over 21 years. I’ve seen his soul, especially in those very intimate moments where we are connected as one as we keep our eyes connected...and I remember a sadness I’ve seen come through sometimes, almost a pleasing look in his eyes begging me to know the truth. The night we met and our eyes connected across the bar for the first time, I saw it then to. The pleading in his eyes that said he wanted me to know the truth but that was the only way he could communicate that, he didn’t have the words or if he did he couldn’t say them. And I remember small hints that have been dropped like little Easter eggs in movies where they don’t broadcast them, but really in tune people figure it out and find all the easter eggs, and feel more connected to the movie and walk away with a better understanding of the plot.</p><p>We spent hours and hours this week talking. I had switched to night shift this week to help with coverage, and I’ve had such little sleep since last week. Once my friend pulled me out of the darkness and we talked and talked the events of the past and all his little Easter eggs he was leaving me started to Be some revealed, he showed me where they were all hidden. And as it usually is, the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes of my life.</p><p>There were two revelations that are things I had suspected or known a small part about, but not to the extent I needed to in order to understand. People can make us believe what they want if the truth is too hard to face.</p><p>The first thing is that when he was 12 one of his stepmothers sexually assaulted him. He never said anything because he was afraid he wouldn’t be allowed to see his dad, who left him when he was a kid, he watched his dad drive away and waited for him everyday at the window for weeks.</p><p>2 years after that he met a boy who needed up becoming his best friend and so much more. He told me “I fell in love with him in the biggest way. I didn’t fall in love with him for any other reason but him. I loved him without it being about gender. None of that even mattered.” This continued on in absolute secret until he met me, through all his girlfriends and through his marriage, which was all just a way for him to try to cover for himself, to hide it, to try and forget that he loved someone he couldn’t fully be with, not in the way he wanted. He didn’t know how. And how pressure from his mom and bra mom when he was just 18 to marry this girl, for family optics. He said he knew it was completely wrong and he hated that he felt so trapped. It was all a family cover to prevent people from finding out about his being with another guy, because by that time people were starting to find out and talk about it and they got less and less good at hiding how they felt about each other.</p><p>I watched his face change as he recalled the story. He would get a wistful smile when it seems like he was remembering a good memory. But after I searched his face I met his eyes, and I saw all that pain and emotion and bottled up love he held for so many years, trying to deny himself. His lies and coverups started unraveling when he would let loose and tell a story, and hints were sprinkled throughout. But I think the thing that really punched him is that over the last year I have been really working to get back to who o really am. And since the summer, and each season brings even more of this out, but I have been able to be my authentic self again, I found my way back. I’m still rough around the edges but my mental and emotional states have evolved along with me, making me feel like a badass super hero.</p><p>“I think that’s amazing.”</p><p>That was my reply to his confession. And I smiled at him. It broke my heart to hear his stories, to imagine how painful that must have been for him to have been ever able to tell his best friend and lover how much he loved him. And it was instant, the soaring love I felt for him, the extreme need to wrap my arms around him and protect him. And for the first time in his life he cried over this. I could feel 30 years of sadness leave his body. And I admitted my truth.</p><p>That I have never felt like I was enough. Like I wasn’t girly enough for guys to date, but I wasn’t male-like enough to be in a relationship with a woman, either. I just felt like I didn’t fit in. And from the moment I met him, he always made me feel like I was perfect. And he still does.</p><p>And I know that it had to happen this way. That we had to tear down every brick and talk about every hard and uncomfortable thing in order for me to finally see his entire truth, the whole picture, with the pieces all fitting neatly into place. I knew exactly how he felt and why everything happened. I filled in words for him when he didn’t have any.</p><p>I told him that I think it is amazing and beautiful because he was able to full and freely love, that he has the capacity to love like that. That I would always be his safe place. And he said that I was only the second person who had made him feel like that...the first being his best friend. But they never got to tell each other how they felt.</p><p>I know now that it had to be like this. That I had to be strong enough for both of us to find my authentic self again, in order to help him feel ok about his.</p><p>A week ago I had told him that it would be a long time before I ever felt like I could be intimate and trusting in that way with him again. And a week ago it felt like the impossible. But a funny thing happens when you let the love and empathy and kindness and compassion shine through, you are rewarded a million times over.</p><p>I thought it was going to take a long time for me to feel like I could be close and intimate with him again. But once he revealed his true self to me for the first time, it’s like my whole heart opened wide towards him. And we lay there last night with our bare chest pressed hard together, holding each other tight and staring into each other’s eyes, it was like we were transferring everything we were each feeling separately and ended up making a big huge love, breaking unconditional love that transcends time and space.</p><p>And I know that with my help and strength and love that he is going to be ok. And that now that we are living the full truth with no more lies and guilt and doubt, that there is nothing that we can’t handle and that would ever tear us apart. </p><p>We’re graphene.</p><p>That’s what happens when you let love lead. The past has healed the present.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-59633868419504409252020-11-29T23:45:00.001-08:002020-11-29T23:45:29.206-08:00summer<p> Quarantine made us closer. We transformed our front porch into this really cool beach scene with real sand and shells we had collected over the summers past, and backdrops, twinkle lights, a small table, 2 beach chairs, and a tiki torch blue tooth speaker. It was our little oasis, the place I couldn’t wait to get back to. Every night for months, once the little kids were in bed we’d meet out in our porch and relax together, bond, talk, laugh, and love. I can’t remember a time when I felt more comfort, love, and safety in one space.</p><p>Our relationship was as close to perfect as you can get...it was completely and totally mind bogglingly amazing. I never knew that kind of happiness and love could be achieved, especially in the middle of a year that is upside down and twisted in every way.</p><p>I was happy. Really and truly happy. It was like we got to that sweet spot you hear about, where everything falls into place, no one is fighting, everyone is kind and loving and accepting.</p><p>It was like living in a real life Schitt’s Creek.</p><p>The level of trust and openness we had evolved into something so much greater, into something bigger than the both of us. Our time out there on our beach oasis transcended time and space. Nothing existed during that time except for the two of us. My best friend, my partner in life, my lover. We had it, we were there, we had the moon within reach.</p><p>I should have known that it was too good to last. Nothing good ever does, at least not in my life.</p><p>When I opened up the box I did it with my eyes wide open, knowing what I might discover could change everything. I knew there was a chance I was imploding my life. But I had to know the truth. I needed to know exactly what happened. I couldn’t live the rest of my life in the dark, not knowing the truth. It would nag at me and nag at me for the rest of my life. This was the only chance I had to know the truth. There are so many questions I have about my paternal grandfather and there is no one left alive who could answer the questions. What little we found online only left a lot more questions, again and no one left to ask.</p><p>I systematically tore down my life and everything I thought I knew about my relationship in one fell swoop. But I couldn’t live anymore with the questions, the uncertainty. I still can’t wrap my brain around the fact that 21 years just went up in flames by the match I lit.</p><p>Right now I can’t even imagine a time, a way that we could ever reach that level of happiness again. That I could trust him with my person again. That I could trust him as my person again. At no point in 21 years did he feel like he could trust me enough to come clean...I’m not sure what that says about me. All I do know is that I am so far down into this deep dark pit that I can’t see the light yet.</p><p>One of the things I told my husband this summer was that he smelled like home to me, that spot that indents on his shoulder where I would always rest my head and take a deep breath of him and feel love, safety, security, and a calmness I’ve never felt before. Now that’s gone and all I feel is sad and empty, scared and alone. I lost my best friend. I don’t know what I am going to do now. Maybe one day I will be able to feel grateful for that time, however fleeting. Right now it just feels like a cruel joke, getting to experience that level of happiness for such a short period of time, enough to know it exists, but that for whatever reason it can’t last, not for me. But as I continue to process and grieve, my mind and heart keep going back to the summer, where for a very brief moment I knew I was going to be ok. That everything was going to be ok. I have no security now. I feel like I’m free falling with no parachute and no net. It feels like I have been falling forever but the journey is only just beginning. But for a moment there, we almost had the moon and stars, and I got a taste of what true contented-ness felt like.</p><p>I guess I should be grateful that at least we had the summer.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-61298161953870638512020-11-27T20:01:00.003-08:002020-11-27T20:01:57.572-08:00Learning the truth, finally<p> I’m just going to blog through this because honestly, this story is crazy. It’s like something out of a novel, but it’s not, it’s real, and it’s my life. And I have no idea how to even being to process all of this. So I’m just going to start writing, because if I think to much I literally might curl up and die.</p><p>The short version is that after 21 years, I have finally learned the truths surrounding my marriage. I have discovered the person I married was not the person he claimed to be. I discovered that our entire relationship has been based on lies and deceit. And I have no idea how to reconcile that with the life I have now. And I am holding a lot of hurt, heartbreak, and anger right now. I’ve cried more tears than I can count. And I have no idea what to do, how to live with my new reality.</p><p>I have long had questions or suspicions that something was never quite right with the stories my husband has told me over the years. Things kept changing, timelines didn’t match, he was vague and always tried to play off any questions I had.</p><p>When I met him, he was married, but he never told me. We were engaged and pregnant on purpose before I even found out, when we couldn’t plan our own wedding because he wasn’t single. I’m not going to dive back into the specifics because it sucks to relive. Let’s just say it was a very humiliating time in my life, knocked up by a married man. While he had been separated, he was still stringing his wife along, and unbeknownst to be until recently, found out there was overlap where we were both sleeping with him. She didn’t know about me yet, either. I feel sick to my stomach writing this.</p><p>He misrepresented himself and made selfish decisions that took away my choices. I would never have talked to someone who was involved in any way with someone else, let alone married. Separated doesn’t cut it for me. He made me an adulterous. He lied to get his way, no matter who he hurt. He also hurt his poor wife. It makes me sick to think that I was manipulated into becoming an adulterer. He told me anything he though I wanted to hear, truth be damned.</p><p>That’s just the beginning...I’m pretty sure just about everything he’s ever told me about himself before me is a lie. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. My heart is absolutely broken in half. Everything I thought I knew and believed about my relationship was all a lie. The lies have continued for 21 years now.</p><p>Thanks to the year of quarantine we had been spending lots of time together, my husband and I. We talked about all sorts of old memories and things. It was during these conversations that new inconsistencies started popping out at me, and the more I asked, the different the answers were, things weren’t adding up, timelines weren’t making sense. He was extremely vague about a lot of things and acted like he couldn’t remember.</p><p>And then at some point he talked about wanting to find his old group of friends we hung out with when we met. And when I brought up certain people and friends to find, he got really uncomfortable and acted so strange about everything. And he did some other things to sort of push me into this direction...so I started finding people and asking questions. And I got the same accounts from everyone I talked to, except for my husband.</p><p>So I confronted him. And he continued to lie until he realized he was backed into a corner.</p><p>And then the first thing he said is “should I leave? Am I getting divorce papers in my stocking?”</p><p>His first reaction was to run. And I looked him square in the eye and he knew that I finally saw the truth. And I told him I wished I had never met him. And right now that remains true.</p><p>I feel so violated and worthless and broken. I feel so fucking stupid. He probably got a good laugh at our expenses joking on how he was screwing different women every night and none of us knew. He preyed on people he thought were vulnerable enough to buy his shit. And we did. And I have wasted 21 years of my life with him. He took so much from me, my pride and dignity being at the top of the list along with all the trust and love I had. It’s gone. I don’t know if I can ever get it back. Manipulating and lying to someone to get them to be with you isn’t love.</p><p>It one fell swoop I lost everything. My husband, my partner, my best friend. But the ends don’t justify the means. You can’t erase 21 years of lies and sweep it under the rug. I can’t live like that.</p><p>All I know is that is the day after thanksgiving and I’m sitting out on my porch, all alone, trying to makes sense of all of this, with tears streaming down my face.My heart is shattered into a billion pieces. I have no idea if it’s even fixable. All I know is I’m unwilling to continue living this life based on lies. I don’t know what that means yet, and I don’t know how I am ever going to survive this.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-8812828562786041782020-11-23T17:04:00.001-08:002020-11-23T17:04:14.673-08:00Revisiting the past<p> This year I have worked really hard on myself, all aspects of me that needed improvement. Trying to work my way out of a hole of anxiety and depression has taken much introspection and reflecting, and dealing with all the things as they come up, taking it one thing at a time. I’ve also worked very hard this year to project love and kindness and empathy and understanding. That’s been very easy and fulfilling. But the mind can be a dangerous place, and I’ve realized I have a lot of things in my life I have never completely worked through, because I didn’t know how. Some things are decades old but occasionally when triggered I start to remember things, and it triggers bad thoughts and feelings and sometimes I can’t snap out of it that quickly. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about my mental health meds, all precautions, some pharmaceuticals and some natural from the earth meds, that they have been making my brain fire neurons left and right, and my memory is way sharper now than it has ever been. I guess that’s what happens when the fog of depression finally lifts off. Memories from my childhood are so much more vivid, and I remember things that I had forgotten about, or forgot I remembered, and things I read seems to get etched into my brain and I can recall the whole page of text in my head, or at least important things that stuck out at me.</p><p>The downside is that it means I remember seemingly everything, the good and the bad, and Incant pick and choose what my brain decides it’s going to remember. Sometimes a feeling of deja vu with immediately bring with it dread and knots in my stomach. The mind is so powerful.</p><p>I have realized I can’t really move forward in my healing and having a more peaceful future if I don’t confront my past. And that feels like Pandora’s Box.</p><p>Because the one thing from my past that I know I had to face is something that changed the course of my life, and it was something I really didn’t have control over, so I feel like my choice was taken away from me about the direction my life went in. And it’s something that over all these years I have revisited many times, mulling it over and over and then finally deciding to stuff it away again until next time it resurfaces. It’s been in my face for a while now. I can’t ignore it anymore. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely. Would I change it for the world? NO. It’s not about that. It’s about coming to terms with the choices that were taken from me, hopefully understanding the situation more, so that I can finally make peace with it and let it go once and for all. I will be all the better for it.</p><p>But. (there’s always a but.) But it’s a little like uncovering some long buried secret. The answers on the other side could also be devastating and life changing. But I have already put the plans in motion. I have no idea if this will even pan out, if I will even get anywhere. There’s a chance I may have to dig for answers. And the answers might be worse than what I’m already imagining, and then that will be another whole thing I guess I will have to work through somehow. But if I want true healing, true wholeness, true peace I have to follow this down to wherever it takes me. They say the only way out is through. Here I go.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-61943138767161437832020-10-08T03:07:00.002-07:002020-10-09T17:44:55.226-07:00The Children We Couldn’t Have<p> As my hormones have made apparent, my baby days are over. Not by choice or decision, but by nature. And as more and more baby and maternity gear gets unearthed from its hiding spaces of my closets, being either given friends who will loving use it, or saving for hopefully one day grandchildren...I mean, my eldest is 20 now and I was 22 when I had her.... I’ve been working through a lot of deep thoughts and feelings about this process, struggling of the natural-ness that it’s supposed to be vs the actual mess of hormones and emotions that it actually is. Combined IF and loss into that mix and it’s a lot.</p><p>Mel of @strirrup-queens highlighted a post that had a line something to the effect of “we regret the children we did not have, not the ones we do” or something close. And it made me think...</p><p>Saying children we DID NOT HAVE somehow implies to me a type of failure. Thinking about the babies I lost, the pregnancies that barely got started, if at all. And more than just mine, but the embryo’s and babies of friends of mine, friends of all of us in the amazing community.</p><p>I couldn’t have the babies I wanted...many, many women I know couldn’t have the babies they wanted, many had babies that they couldn’t keep, who went to heaven all too soon. The babies we couldn’t keep.</p><p>I am personally opposed to abortion for myself personally, deep in my soul, regardless of religious teachings,, Scientifically, and as a woman in the healthcare profession. But I have many, many friends who have had abortions and I love them without judgement. This isn’t meant to be a political or prolife post, or one meant to stir up any trouble, so haters can go fuck off here.</p><p>The Babies We Couldn’t Have.The babies we couldn’t keep.</p><p>And I don’t think this has to be a “we regret the...” type of post. People can’t have babies for a million reasons. Not Every creature on this earth can produce and sustain life, even if they were biologically meant to.</p><p>My first girlfriend gave up her baby for adoption. We were 18. So many other people have had failed adoptions where they couldn’t keep the baby.</p><p>The babies we couldn’t have. the babies we couldn’t keep.</p><p>I MOURN the babies I couldn’t have. We mourn for the babies we COULDN’T have. No matter the reason or circumstance.</p><p>The babies we couldn’t have, and the babies we couldn’t keep. It sounds so much more inclusive, don’t you think?</p><p>🌈</p><p><br /></p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-1001399818398761202020-08-26T22:29:00.004-07:002020-08-26T22:29:55.577-07:0020 years<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7xLmgKejeKKnjK9cr0bjybcJunBbDDVUQNFGKsJc-bTioo91o19SORk2cQwGvFYizO5fPTCu3B_KPRGHw9UMEQBYNzX4F0tJhaIAujjLE0QKCEWaMts1ijG3Ix6Af0YQeL0G1hu_8y_h2/s1785/IMG_5096.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1785" data-original-width="1037" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7xLmgKejeKKnjK9cr0bjybcJunBbDDVUQNFGKsJc-bTioo91o19SORk2cQwGvFYizO5fPTCu3B_KPRGHw9UMEQBYNzX4F0tJhaIAujjLE0QKCEWaMts1ijG3Ix6Af0YQeL0G1hu_8y_h2/s640/IMG_5096.JPG" /></a></div>It’s amazing how fast 20 years goes by. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t he and I. From being poor newlyweds with our first baby at 22, to secondary infertility, to the loss of grandparents and parents, to job losses, anxiety/depression, tearing down and rebuilding our marriage to the fortress it is now, to infertility and loss again, to celebrating 20 years on July 7th, we have experienced so much together and more importantly, survived and became stronger than ever, together. It literally felt like we walked through fire together at certain points.<p></p><div>I am so proud of how far we have come, and all we’ve learned, and how close we are. Years ago we did a book called The Love Dare and we still use everything we learned to this day. The first chapter is literally “Be Kind”. It’s amazing how it’s the simplest thing but sometimes so hard to remember. We have been living on the principle of being kind, and talk about it everyday with our kids, especially during these crazy times where a smidge of kindness goes a long way. If you start by being kind, things don’t have to become a fight, and rarely do. We still have times where we but heads, but we usually can get through that in a matter of minutes.</div><div><br /></div><div>This man, he’s the greatest. He even listened and let me cry on our anniversary when my period showed up, and I told him I had been having a recurring baby dream of twins, and in my dreams that helped fill all the baby-shaped holes in my heart. We aren’t even ttc or anything and I’m definitely sub-fertile. I cried that I wished this feeling would leave me, that I don’t know why I can’t let it go. And he said so gently “maybe that’s just who you are.” And I have never felt so safe or so comforted, or so understood ever in my life. And trust me, he doesn’t really want more kids, but he doesn’t hold it against me from feeling so differently.</div><div><br /></div><div>Holding on for dear life because this time goes so fast. 2020 has definitely upset the balance in the force, and nothing feels certain anymore. So damn thankful I have such a strong partner to share this life with.</div><div><br /></div><div>Photo cred: our amazing second daughter, nearly 16. She wants to be a professional photographer and got a new top of the line camera system for her bday. This was shot in her iPhone 7 during an impromptu photo shoot last Friday for my husband’s bday.❤️💜</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-103752222366598693.post-44401769493513989082020-08-17T14:37:00.005-07:002020-08-17T17:32:21.348-07:00Pandemic Juxtaposition <p> He was our doctor, our co-worker, our comrade, our friend. Such a gentle, compassionate soul, tirelessly leading our Covid units through the madness and uncertainty from the beginning of all this craziness when so much was still unknown. Working in these conditions, all the while knowing he had an autoimmune disease and damaged lungs that would make it extremely hard for him to fight off the virus if he should contract it.</p><p>We cared for him for a month...watching Covid weaken him more and more each day. Holding his hand, rubbing his hair, speaking as softly to him as all the PPE allows. Being extra gentle, taking those extra minutes to keep him as comfortable as possible. We do this, of course, for all of our patients, but this time it felt different. Personal.</p><p>When it was his time everyone was called in. His husband discarded all of his PPE and held him. We all laid hands on him, praying, coaxing him, letting him know he was loved and safe, helping him return home to The Lord.</p><p>*************************************************</p><p>Driving home last night, head and heart still heavy from the events of the past couple weeks, traffic started to slow down. From my position I could see a large SUV pulled over on the left shoulder, and then I notice the problem, a dog laying under the car. It looked like his owner was trying to coax him out, but we were on the side of a major roadway...what in the world?? I pulled over and jumped out, asking if it was his dog. Turns out, he stopped because he saw a dog in the road and when he pulled over the dog crawled under his car. She was obviously hurt in some way. Quite quickly there were several people all trying to help, and some angel wearing a Philly Flyers shirt pulled over; he owned a farm and helped rescue dogs, so he grabbed an extra leash and helped us get her out. She was a beautiful golden retriever/German Shepherd mix, with a Shepherd face and coloring on her back, and retriever ears and fluffy fur. We helped to keep her calm and still. There were about 6 police officers that all were stopped with us, several of us calling Emergency Vets because we didn’t know what would happen. Animal control was called to help. None of us were willing to let her go unless we knew she would get emergent care. Once I realized she was not going to bite, I sat there in the road with her, her leaning on me, petting her. She let me check her out. If you have never owned or knew a GSD, they are so very human like with their eyes and emotions, and they are so very smart. She knew we were helping her, so she didn’t snap or growl or bite, just looked up with those human-like eyes, so trusting. At one point the lead Sergeant said “I would tell you guys you can all go and we will stay with her, but I see you are all invested.” I looked up at her incredulously and said “It’s a DOG” hahaha. Occasionally I would lower my mask so the dog could see my whole face. She wanted to lay down more, but you could tell it hurt her. From what we could see, she had a small cut on her eye and the top of her head, it looked like she may have bit her tongue, one of the front paw nails was bleeding, and she obviously had a hurt back leg. At one point we realized we had her blood on our hands, but everyone just shrugged and said it was just dog blood and no one worried. Finally animal control came. They had a little doggy stretcher that we helped her get settled on and carry to the van, once we were assured that she was going to a local Emergency hospital, one I know and have used so I felt better about that knowing she was about to get help. One lady gave her her own jacket we had Been using as a blanket/pillow, thinking the smell of those that helped her would help calm her on the ride. Several people took live videos and pictures and put them on Facebook, hoping to find her owner, as her tags were missing on her collar. I’m hoping she is microchipped. I’m going to check the shelter in the days and weeks ahead to see if she comes up for adoption. I don’t even know the names of any of those kind humans I spent the majority of my evening with. As I left the scene, I thanked everyone for helping and working together.</p><p>As I drove away I cried. Everything from the last few weeks came crashing down. Sometimes all the medical advances in the world can’t save a human, but a few people can come together and save a dog.</p><p>Sometimes, it’s all you can do.</p>Charlottehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.com4