#Microblog Monday: Not Pregnant, Just Fat

It happened again. Probably the third time in the last year that I had a patient ask me about the baby I’m not expecting. It’s always older ladies that ask me. Being female themselves, you would think that they would already understand this to be an inappropriate question. Yet I still get asked it.

The first time I was thrown off by the question and was more embarrassed than anything. Just answered no and moved on, but not without feeing so very awful about myself. The second time I had a patient question whether I should be lifting her and when I said that it was fine, she said no but...bad motioned to my stomach and I knew what she was getting at even before she said it. Again, cue the internal self-loathing.

This last time, though...pushing a patient down the hall, she asked “when is the baby due?” And my heart sank. “What Baby?”, although I already knew. She quickly understood and apologized, and I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to look her in the face. And I also hope my coworker who was trailing behind didn’t hear this exchange. Once in the room she let apologizing and remarked “I should know better than to say anything, given how big I am” which just made it worse. I did what I had to do for her and just said “It’s ok” when really, it wasn’t. I looked her in the eye and spoke to her regarding her exam, but she looked back at me as if she knew how deeply her words cut me. As we were wrapping up, she said from her wheelchair “Can I just hug you to show you aim sorry for what I said” and so I hugged her and said again that it’s ok. Thank God my male coworker was oblivious, I think. Either than or he did overhear in the hall and was being extremely kind not to say anything.

Why do people feel like this question is ok to ask random strangers? And why do I feel the need to want to go and explain to this lady why I still look pregnant two years later? Why do I fee so bad for her, knowing how ignorant her words were, no matter how well-intended? Why do I feel the need to apologize for myself, that it’s not her fault I’m fat. Each time I get asked this question, it does a number of horrible things.

First, it makes me feel like an ugly, fat piece of crap. Just like wow, my physical appearance much just be horrendous. Second, it a HUGE reminder that my stupid body isn’t functioning properly. That I had to be on a medication to keep having breast milk for my baby because I lost all my milk, and that medication caused me to gain a bit of weight, so that my now empty abdomen won’t lay flat(ish, it was never flat), and then that post-wean my hormones have run amock and a sluggish thyroid combined with the rest of my hormones have made it impossible to see any real weight-loss progress, that I can’t seem to even jump-start by cutting carbs or any other lose weight fast trick. That not only do I have that, but also my screwed up hormones won’t allow me to get pregnant. That it’s just another reminder of all that IF and loss have taken away. I can never get all those years back, and now I am at the end of my reproductive life. That my body is somewhere between trying to function and menopause, and we are having a horrible time trying to fix any of it. And lastly, that I really, really wish I was pregnant. And being asked about a non-existent pregnancy just kills me in a way words can’t describe. Because I wish so badly that I was pregnant, and not just fat.