About Me

Decent wife. Good Enough Mom. (I think, but you’d have to ask my kids.) Sporadic blogger. Crazy person. Chaos Manager. Finder of stray socks and missing shoes. Loves to cook, wishes it wasn’t demanded of her daily. Runs on caffeine.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

weighing my options

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve just been taking time to heal myself. I am in a really good place...the meds are all working as they should and my anxiety is mostly under control. My moods are stabilized, my relationship with my kids has greatly improved. My marriage had reaped the benefits and we are in a really good place, too. Spending lots of quality time together, going in pretty regular date nights, and just sort of rediscovering each other in a new way as we get ready to celebrate our 20 years of marriage this summer. And I’ve managed to drop 30lbs, thanks to anxiety, but I’ll take it.

What has been in my mind a lot lately, though, is that every time I get to a good place, it all falls apart. Currently I’m taking several medications that are not conducive to pregnancy, and would really affect me in a negative way if I had to suddenly go off of them. Which has made me think really hard about the need to do something to prevent any chance of that happening. My cycles are wonky and unpredictable; I don’t think I’m ovulating quite as regularly anymore, and a lot of the signs of ovulation I don’t get consistently enough to be able to time anything. Plus, who wants to do that?!

I am frustrated that most choices for women are hormonal or otherwise invasive. I don’t mind condoms at all but my husband has a big problem with it. And yeah, I can understand that because after 20 years who really wants to start using condoms. I mean, really. So I started looking into getting a tubal ligation. But that is major surgery. And a big risk factor is that I have had 7 abdominal surgeries previously which could lead to complications during and after the procedure. I know a vasectomy is a much easier and less invasive procedure but honestly I don’t want to put my husband through that, even though he is willing. I would rather take on the operation myself before having him do that.

And then there is the whole emotional aspect of it. If I go through with that, everything would be final final. No going back. It sounds so silly because of my age and history, but I can’t help but feel like I might regret it, or come out being upset and mentally and emotionally affected by it in a negative way. It feels like a totally different thing vs letting nature run its course. And of course it seems silly given my history that I would even worry about accidentally getting pregnant right now...but whenever my life feels settled something always happens to throw a wrench into it, and I wouldn’t put it past the universe to throw me that curve ball right now.

If I decide to have the procedure, it wouldn’t be until the summer. So for now I am just taking some time to think on this. To listen to my head and my heart, and to come to a decision I know I can live with.

Monday, January 13, 2020

more of the same

Thank you to everyone who sent well wishes and thought and prayers and love on my last post. It is amazing the support of this community.

Good news is there is nothing *major* going on in my brain. Bad news is that I’m still having the migraines and dizziness issues. Some days it’s much better than other, but so far there’s been no clear trigger that I can pinpoint. Which leaves them to believe it may be hormone related, in which case those migraines are harder to treat because they just don’t respond to conventional treatments as well.  I’m still waiting to do the extensive hormone testing...I was hoping to start this cycle but my period showed up a full week early and I didn’t get the test kit in time, and then it turned out the lab sent me the wrong kit anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered. UGH.

I started an anxiety med a few days ago. Lowest dose for 2 weeks then a bump up. So far I am waiting to see improvements, which can take anywhere from 2-4+ weeks. My new doctor (who is female) is amazing. She is supportive and kind and smart and reassuring. She doesn’t make me feel crazy. She hugs me after each appointment. I trust her when she says anxiety is likely playing a part in all of this. I feel like I have a good person in my corner here.

Through all of this I have had a lot of realizations about myself come to light. I’ve been processing some very deep buried stuff about myself. Nothing that is bad or traumatic, just things I had forgotten or didn’t fully realize about myself. It’s been an interesting several weeks in that regard. I’m trying to shift some focus on how crap I have been feeling and add back in small things that make me really happy and that are just for me. I’m trying to fake it until I make it. I’m trying to let go of things I’ve lost...time I’ve lost feeling bad, things I missed out on and couldn’t enjoy fully. I’m trying to get out there and just breathe the air and just be.

This might sound crazy to a lot of people. But sometimes it feels like a chore to just exist...like getting out of PJs and leaving the house is a struggle. I do it of course, but it causes me so much turmoil some days. I’m forcing myself to do more...sign up for extra shifts on my non-usual work days, get tickets to a show I will go to alone, booked another cheap ticket to go back to Chicago in 6 weeks. Forcing myself to do things that make me feel a little uncomfortable if I think about it too long.

I have also been trying to make peace with the end of my “fertile” years. I’m trying hard to find other things to fill the void, to fill the sadness. But nothing really fills that baby shaped hole in my heart. I am not sure why I am having so much trouble letting go. When I sit and think too long about it it makes me incredibly sad. I am trying to find other things about my body to celebrate, but it is very hard when my body seems to be revolting against itself at every turn. I had to seek help to get my faith and Travis piercings back in  that I had to remove for my MRI (damn tiny tension balls) and so I decided to reclaim something for myself. I got my nipples re-pierced. I had taken them out 6 years ago but I have no reason now not to keep them. It is just one small thing in trying to shift my focus.

I don’t make resolutions but it seems 2020 is going to be a transitional year for me. I don’t know that I am really ready but like life it seems to be happening whether I am ready or not so I may as well try to embrace it and go with the flow as much as I can. Fighting it seems futile.

Monday, December 30, 2019

it’s been a while

I’ve been away from here for a while. So much has happened. We had a great Thanksgiving Holiday with my sister’s entire family, a frustrating but hilarious trek to a Christmas Tree Farm that resulted in the biggest tree we have ever had that literally didn’t fit in our house (if you are picturing the scene from Christmas Vacation, that is highly accurate.), and my girls and I took a fabulous, busy, albeit rainy trip to NYC 2 weeks ago. It was so great, so exhausting, and so fun.

And then...well, I haven’t been well since. What started as a migraine has led to 2 weeks of dizziness/nausea, headaches, anxiety, and some really high blood pressure. 3 emergency room visits, 2 head scans, and a lot of meds later and I am still no closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. I struggled to get through my oldest son’s birthday and doing all the things. Somehow I got everything done, but the holidays were filled with anxiety and stress and worry and my general upset-ness of how I am feeling and all the things I am missing, and how I can barely be a mom like this.

I’ve worked myself up so much about all these worst case scenario things and that anxiety is contributing to the headaches/blood pressure issues. I have felt so much like a hot mess inside, not showing anyone how I am really feeling because I don’t need everyone around me to worry to. Fuck. I have too many people who need me, something can’t be seriously wrong with me. Yet I know how unfair life is.

Tonight I am supposed to go for an MRI to rule out all the really bad things. I’m going to need a truck tonight Xanax to get through it, and then the next few days until I know something. Playing into some of my anxiety is that 12 years ago on New Years Eve, we were told that my dad’s cancer was no longer treatable and that he would die. And I just think what a fucked up, bullshit coincidence.

Being a woman, there are so many more things it could be than if I was a man. I’m currently waiting for results of an extended thyroid panel as well as iron levels. I have a month-long hormone test I have to start next cycle, that will give me a broader picture of my current status. I have a visit with a cardiologist to figure out my blood pressure issues as well as a heart murmur I was born with. I need a sleep study because I have a deviated septum and I snore. Plus a consult with a neurologist. If everything with my head is negative then over to an ENT to assess my inner ear. Plus anti-anxiety meds because my doc believes anxiety is driving a lot of this.

Apparently, when I fall apart, I fall apart completely.

All the while my kids need me and have a million things, my puppy has a knee issue and needs surgery, which now has to wait until I get myself straightened out first. My husband has been pouty because I haven’t been around much as I am trying to go to bed early in case lack of sleep is making things worse. It’s just all been a lot and I feel like such a loser at life because of this.

Please don’t comment on what I might have or what you had with similar symptoms...none of that helps and my doctor has ordered me to stop googling and talking to people because it’s making my anxiety so much worse. But if you have prayers, love, good thoughts, healing vibes, those I will take.

I’m really, really scared guys. And I am SO damn emotional. And with all of this comes the reality that my baby-making days are over. And that’s a whole set of other emotions I can’t even touch right now.

Monday, November 18, 2019

New York

I have a love affair with New York City. It’s a city I have come to love so much. A city I feel so at home in, a city where I feel so much like myself in, where I feel like I belong. (I also feel that way about London, but that’s not as convenient to get to). And with the holidays approaching, I really started to miss the city, and started feeling quite sad that I would miss it this year. New York this time of year is magical. It’s unlike any other place I’ve ever been. And it is so soothing for my soul.

Actually, I will be honest here and say that mentally I’ve been struggling on the inside lately. Chicago was amazing and not a long enough trip (I’m planning to go back in March) but some small things happened (a dream where my dad came to visit me was the catalyst) and my anxiety has been really bad. And I feel antsy and uneasy in my own skin. And just very unsettled. And then I had a day where I was more manic and firing on all cylinders, and then 2 days later my period started unexpectedly and I went in a downward spiral. All in the inside. Except that I may have had a meltdown of crying on Friday that I couldn’t control or stop, and my 4 year old may have used wipes to wipe my tears, which made me cry harder. But then I got it together and went to work that night and have been ok ever since, just with anxiety sitting on the sidelines waiting to pounce.

Anyway. New York. So I realized that I had most of December with nothing planned, since I was leaving things open in case my niece graduated this semester so I could go. She’s not going to walk until May, so I had time and PTO that was now open. Discussed it with my husband (who isn’t big on traveling but doesn’t hold me back or hold it against me) and I got my girls on board for a day trip. And then, what was supposed to be a day trip turned into 2 days in the city, with tickets to see Phantom (my favorite, and their first) and the serendipitous find of an affordable hotel room on The UWS on Broadway. We are going to eat street food and Magnolia cupcakes and see a show that is my heart. And look at a giant Christmas tree in the cold and just be so damn thankful it exists in the first place.

Carpe Diem and life is short and YOLO and all of that.

But it works out because they are at the point where gift-wise there isn’t anything they need, so this will serve as an early Christmas present, and I guess now it’s just becoming our thing, New York, this city that makes me feel so me when I’m there.

****If you are feeling down this time of year, please reach out and talk to someone, or do something for yourself that’s just for you that makes you feel a bit better. You deserve to be happy. We all do.****


Monday, November 4, 2019

Weird week

Last week was such a weird one. I encountered so many people behaving in ways that were not normal, I had to wonder if I was in an alternate universe or if there was a full moon or something. (There wasn’t.)

Some odd highlights:

-My husband’s grandmother fell and required surgery. My mother-in-law sort of went wack-o about things even though she was doing the least of everyone to help out. My normally calm and level-headed husband lost his shit with her and spent a few days in such a mood that his secretary was texting me asking if he was ok. No one had ever see him get that mad and stay that way. It surprised even me. I’m guessing it brought up a lot of stuff about how his mom was while he was growing up and he was triggered. But wow.

-My best friend and I made plans 2 weeks ago to have dinner last week. The day before we were to meet she messaged me asking what time the 4 of us were meeting. 4??? Oh damn, I had forgotten that we had said the last time we went out that the next dinner date should be a double date with our husbands. But when we made plans she didn’t mention it and honestly I had forgotten. Right after our last dinner I had started making the Chicago plans and that turned into a thing where I didn’t hear from her and thought she was perhaps upset with me for still going (if she ever was mad she never said and isn’t now so not sure if that’s what it was or not) and I had spent so much time worrying if I over-stepped with the whole thing that I didn’t remember we were supposed to try and all 4 go out. So anyway, it’s the day before and of course I don’t have a sitter for dinner time on a school night. And we don’t just roll out on our kids like that and leave the older ones in charge. So I think she was disappointed about that, and I’m sure her husband was also, so I said we could reschedule if it caused issues but she said it was fine.

AND THEN at dinner. She acted like she didn’t want to be there with me. She kept her phone on her lap looking down at it the whole time, told me she had invited this other person (who I didn’t know and had never met) that she worked with but they couldn’t make it, took a bunch of selfies at the table (not something she ever does, like ever) and toward the end when we were still chatting (at least I was) abruptly got up and started walking out. I was like “oh, we’re leaving?!?!” trying to quickly gather all my things. She didn’t even wait for me, she was ahead of me the whole time and in her car before I got to mine. SO BIZARRE.

-Friday night I noticed my sister had called about 30 minutes earlier and I missed the call. I called her back and she asked me like 2 questions about Plans for the next day then abruptly got off the phone with me out of the blue with no explanation. Like, I’m not really even sure why she had called me to begin with because her questions were weird and kind of out of place. I don’t know. You called me. If you didn’t want to chat, just text me or don’t answer the phone???

I told my husband, I always feel like the sky is falling or some shit when I’M the one acting normal and even and balanced and everyone around me seems to be spinning out.

I’m currently packing for Chicago and hope that by the time I fly back into town everyone around me has righted themselves again.


Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Chicago

This time next Tuesday I will be on a quick, solo trip to Chicago. I have never been, and I am very excited. It’s supposed to be very cold (well colder than the east coast has been so far) so I have to pack accordingly.

Here’s how it came about. My best friend (who is a bit older than me) has a daughter who’s about 10 years younger than me. Her daughter and her and very close, more like friends, and has always been involved and around. When we do things, it’s always the 3 of us, and it’s pretty awesome. Her daughter moved to Chicago 3.5 years ago for a job on a very popular TV show that films there. She’s behind the scenes, not on camera. I’ll call her Tori.

Recently Tori has been having a harder time...just with the loneliness that comes from being in a different city than your family. When she moved out there she was living with a friend who has since gotten married and moved. It’s also the last year of the show, so with a potential loss of income amidst just general life stuff, she’s having a tough go of it. Of course, I’ve offered all I can (Netflix passwords, access to an online grocery delivery account) to help her if she gets in a jam or just needs anything. She also took a second job, and has realized between the two she couldn’t travel home for Thanksgiving, instead opting for the Christmas-New Years dark week at her main job.

I suggested to my friend that we should try and take a girls trip to visit Tori. Anyway, it turned into this whole thing (on her part) and between that and her new job she opted not to go. There’s a lot more to it, but as it’s not my thing and I don’t totally understand enough, I’m not going to delve into all that. But I had already figured out it was super inexpensive to fly there, had it all worked out on my end with my family to go, so when the ticket dropped to $72 round trip I booked it without thinking twice.

I love traveling on my own. I have a place to stay and things to do while Tori is at work. I get to go with her to the set and check out all the exciting things there, and then I’ll go off and do my own thing in between. A co-worker recently went, so he has money left on his mass transit pass he’s giving me to use. I booked the early flight Tuesday and the latest flight Wednesday, so I have 2 full days basically. I’m going to drive myself and utilize short-term parking with shuttle service at the airport, and I have an under the seat rolling bag that’s free. Since I don’t need to worry about taking shampoo and stuff  like that it should be plenty of space for me. My oldest arranged to be off during the day so she can hang out with my Baby boy (4 on Saturday...!!!) while my husband is at work and she can get my Kindergartener off the bus, which stops right in front of our house.

I’m super excited to visit this new city and to spend time with Tori and see this new life she’s built. I’m kinda bummed her mom isn’t coming to, more for Tori than for me. But I can’t control that situation. So I’m just going to be there for her daughter, the same way I know my friend would be there for mine.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

one and twenty

Oct. 22, 1999 I met my husband. I only remembered the exact date because it was the day after I took my Boards, back when it was on paper and only given a few times a year, so I knew that date I would take them long before I ever would. I met him and initially left not knowing if I would actually talk to him again. And my sister and best friend at the time heard me all wish-washy if I would talk to him and declared I would marry him, before either of them that ever even met him. And it ended up very quickly turning into a great big mutual falling in love.

The fact that I even met him that night was out of sheer desperation. I had been unceremoniously stood up by a fellow classmate/person I was really into, leaving me the 5th wheel in a group of couples who were pretty tipsy and being very all over each other. 2 were married friends of mine, the other 2 friends of theirs and ones I really didn’t like. It was miserable and the girl I didn’t like literally said to me in the car on the way to the next bar “you must feel really left out”. So when I saw a cute guy sitting alone on the other side of the bar, I noticed and thought maybe I would have someone to talk to or give me a ride home. Or something. I tried to rope in my friend M, and asked her what she thought of this guy. Was he actually cute or was I just desperate? And M started pointing at the wrong guy saying to just call him over and I panicked because please don’t call the wrong guy over! And she said go talk to him. And I had this flash of thought that my night was already so bad that I’d go over and his girlfriend would walk out from the bathroom and I would end up in a fight that I wasn’t up for. So I just did a few more shots to try and block out everything. But I kept looking over at this guy. Until M stands up and screams across the bar “Hey you, come over here!” and half the guys in the bar move forward, until she singled the guy out. I introduce myself and try and apologize for this scene...the drunk yelling across the bar, the 2 drunk couples with their tongues down each other’s throats right at the table with us. We tried to talk but the scene at our table was beyond that. The other girl was now laying sprawled over the bar stool and the guy was leaning over her aggressively kissing her, and my friend M was howling with laughter when this guy said his name , because somehow I had dated 3 other guys (2 recently) with the same name. He was looking around at the scene before us and said “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” And I was all “yes please, like anywhere but here right now” and so I left with him.

Guys, I KNOW. I was sober enough to know what I was doing and to have 2 thoughts as we were walking out 1.) maybe he will turn out to be a decent guy and we will talk for a few and I can find my way back to my car. I know M’s house is sort of near here.
And 2) Or he’s a serial killer, in which case this night has been the most awful and I just want to die anyway and he will just murder me and put me out of my misery.

Turns out he was a nice guy. Waaaay nicer and better than me, in fact. Totally not used to the wildness of my crew and all those shenanigans. At the bar alone and lonely. Lived quite nearby. We ended up having some stuff in common and he was cutely overly excited about that. I was sort of humoring him and biding time until I thought it would be ok to ask if he could help me find my car. (I didn’t know the area super well, but knew enough to help navigate my way back.) We ended up talking until 4am. I quietly snuck back into my friends house and slept on the couch for a couple hours.

I’ve talked to him everyday since. We used to try and celebrate together quietly on that date. Reminisce about that night, watch the movie he was so excited to show me that night. Some years it just slips right by without being noticed.

Oct. 22, 2018 19 years after meeting I was at the surgery center to have a D&C after miscarrying our 8th pregnancy. There isn’t a lot to say about that that I haven’t already said. It was devastating. I didn’t want him to go with me, partly for logistical reasons, partly because I felt so alone that I just wanted to be alone. I only conceded to let my friend take me when I found out they wouldn’t let me go home alone or even in an Uber after being under anesthesia. I remember going into the changing room to change into the hospital gown and compression socks and just standing there undressing, feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my life, where it was almost crippling, the aloneness. That’s what stands out the most from that day.

One year later. I’m on my cycle and bleeding. That’s not lost on me. 20 years we have spent together, trying to build and compete our family. 20 years is a long time to be on this TTC train. I’ve been on it so long I don’t know how the hell to get off.

Tonight. We are going out to a late movie after the littles are asleep. Not because we are celebrating this day. Because it’s Tuesday and I just found out about a Thanks rewards program we get through out wireless and TV provider, where movie tickets are Buy-one-get one free every Tuesday. And there’s actually a movie I would venture out to a theater to see. (ZombieLand Double Tap) that I think will be worth it. And that somehow when I entered everything in, the rewards paid for more than one ticket plus the fees and left me with a $10 balance, which I had an old gift card that covered the rest. So it’s a free date night. That thanks to my period plus a head cold, I don’t exactly feel up for. But I’m going to go anyway.

Because free tickets.

Because 1 and 20.