About Me

Decent wife. Good Enough Mom. (I think, but you’d have to ask my kids.) Sporadic blogger. Crazy person. Chaos Manager. Finder of stray socks and missing shoes. Loves to cook, wishes it wasn’t demanded of her daily. Runs on caffeine.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Tying it all together

It’s been a while since I have been here. Life has been busy and honestly I just didn’t know what to say. Life has been pretty status quo. We did all of our fall activities like the pumpkin farm and hayride (where I proceeded to lose my phone under all the hay despite warnings about that very thing before the ride started), carved pumpkins, did lots of trick or treating or a very mild weathered night (you just never know what you are going to get in the mid-atlantic), celebrated baby boy turning 3, and otherwise raced through November to Thanksgiving where we spent time with my sister and her family, made and froze all my Christmas cookie dough while the turkey was cooking, shopped after Thanksgiving dinner, had the usually holiday fight with my mom, and finally got our Christmas Tree, which we are still working on decorating, because the thing is HUGE, probably our biggest one yet. No angel on top this year as it’s way too tall even after cutting at least 8” off the trunk. But it is the perfect shape and I love it. I will have to do a picture post because I don’t know how to get pictures to add when blogging on my phone, it just won’t work or pull from my camera roll.

I have a NYC trip coming up in a week with just my daughters and I, and I really can’t wait. I managed to score a long puffer coat with a hood for $2.34 on Black Friday (there were 3 discounts on the coat, it should have cost me $16 on an originally $80 price, but they charged me wrong. When I went back to get the receipt adjusted, they still did the discounts wrong so they ended up refunding me all but $2.34 somehow.) It’s going to be cold, and possibly raining, so I am glad I found this coat. I am very excited because I don’t get much time with just my girls. It’s hard to find things in common to do together where we don’t have to include little kids.

The holidays this year have made me feel some sort of way. I have this overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness that has felt like a gaping hole. It’s more than just my recent loss, or the sadness that floats to the surface more this time of year. Things just haven’t felt quite right. Normally by now I have been listening to Christmas music nonstop for weeks, I have started shopping, I have a plan. And this year I’m half-hearted in it all. It doesn’t help that everywhere you turn there is that expectation to be “thankful, grateful, blessed” (I HATE that overused “blessed”. It’s just so...UGH.) and to have candy canes shooting out from your ass all season long. It makes it so much more difficult to admit you are struggling.

But Mel (stirrup-queens.com since my linky think won’t work either) had a post yesterday about loss and it put into words what I haven’t been able to explain, but it also made me think, to really take a look at what I am feeling. And I apologize if this gets sappy but I think my period is trying to come back and I am getting teary just typing this.

So my oldest daughter turned 18 this year. And she is a senior, and she is working, and I don’t have her around as much. She isn’t at dinner with us most nights. Her littlest siblings miss her so damn much, because of her hours they might see her before bed but not always. She doesn’t have free reign to come and go as she pleases, but she has some leeway so long as I know where she is and about when to expect her home. Friday they were off school. My other 2 spent Thanksgiving night at my moms with my sister and her family. It was me and the little boys. I knew she had plans, but she went  to leave suuuuper early, and I questioned when I noticed Toddler boy asking for her. I got upset because sometimes it seems like “anywhere but here” is where she would rather be. And I KNOW it’s part of growing up but MAN does it suck for my mama heart. So I tried to point out that taking a few minutes to be with her siblings before she left would go a long way for all of us, and she made a comment about how she wouldn’t even be living at home much longer (when she enlists) and I don’t know it all just kind of hit me. Between what she said and all the school emails about graduation gowns and dates, and filling out the 2019 calendar where I came to April/May. And I sort of had a weird come to Jesus moment where it all just clicked.

That baby I was briefly pregnant with would have been something physical to hold onto and nurture and love when the rest of my world was spinning out of control, where a part of my heart was going to physically break off and go out into the world alone, without me. And the realization that my time of being an influence, of making a difference, of shaping her, was pretty much done. For better or worse. And that I have no clue how to do this part of parenthood. I know the baby part, that’s what I know I am good at. What if the rest of it I sucked at? 

So my pregnancy loss was leaving more than a baby-shaped hole in my heart. It was something that was going to help me stay grounded and get through this huge letting go that is going to have to happen. And without it, I am floating around lost. Closing the door on so many things. The holidays just have a way to bring all of this out and to the surface. This trip to NYC is going to be special in so many ways. I hope it also offers some healing and acceptance as well.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

the aftermath

Since there is a nationwide shortage of the tubing normally used in a suction d&c, my doctor did the procedure a different way, instead using a hysteroscope and and a small spinning blade, which actually allows for more accurate work since you can see exactly what you are removing before you remove it.

He cleared out the uterine cavity of a lot of tissue and blood products that had detached from the wall but were just sitting in there stuck since I hadn’t been having any cramps that would force it out. He checked my lower uterus and the incision site and all of that looked very good and strong and solid. Then he went up a little higher, and there at the top of my uterus was a tiny blue bubble that was the gestational sac. Right there at the top of my uterus where it was supposed to be. It wasn’t ectopic or implanted too low in my uterus too close to the old incision site or my cervix. Nope, my baby was right where it was supposed to be. Behind it was all the build up of blood we saw on the ultrasound, so it wasn’t a possible twin it was the same sac that had shrunk down so small it wasn’t visible on ulatrsojnd any longer. I never actually passed it. My almost baby hung on until the last second, even the labor intense contractions I had couldn’t get it to let go. That baby wanted to be here with me, too.

After I sat for a while and wrote my last post, I tried to stop at my favorite store that is near my doctor’s office, but I couldn’t even enjoy it, I was so weighted down and sad. I ended up putting back half of what I picked up and just got out of there as fast as I could. I got back in the car and put on some music and every song that came on just seemed to be talking directly to me in how I felt in that moment.

The entirety of the lyrics to “Angel Wings” by Social Distortion. Here’s a portion:

You say you're down on your luck
Hey baby It's a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you're really down and out
And you feel like there's no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I've been dealt?
You're so disillusioned this can't be real
And you can't stand now the way you feel

I don't care about what they say
I won't live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel's wings won't you carry me home?

And then this small portion from September by Daughtry

Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end
Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone, yeah
Thanks shuffle.
So I ended up sobbing my heart out on the drive home, everything I had been holding in since that appointment, everything just came crashing down on me, and all of a sudden I had this thought, this realization.
We should have been grateful. Instead of being shocked and scared and just so overwhelmed when the two lines popped up, we should have just been grateful. Maybe if we had things would have turned out differently.

Monday, November 5, 2018

one step forward two steps back

Today marks 2 weeks since my D&C. I just got done with my post-op appointment.

Overall I have been doing ok these past couple weeks. It has helped that I have been busy with other things like fall activities and Halloween and my baby’s third birthday. After the first four days the light bleeding turned to spotting about every other day. At the end of last week I did have more cramping than I had been having, and yesterday I had some light bleeding for a little bit in the morning.

Yesterday I was looking ahead at a 2019 calendar to schedule some PTO time at work, and I came to April and suddenly got really sad. And I flashed back to finding out I was pregnant and how it was said (not by me) that some things in April that we had scheduled would need to be changed around, and I just felt the weight of all of this all over again. I WISH we had to change things around now. I also had to delete some accounts where the info is very pregnancy/baby centric because photos of newly earthside babies on their mamas’ chests were just killing me, as well as just stop visiting some sites I frequent.

So my appointment tonight went well. My doctor is just so great, and so is his nurse, but man it hurt to be there. No pregnant people (he only does limited OB now for a few select patients) and the other girl in the office has been dealing with post-miscarriage issues for a couple weeks longer than I. I had time to lay there by myself in the exam room and just thought how different this visit was compared to other times I have been on that same table in that same room. My doctor told me he had some scope pictures if I wanted to see, and the medical side of me wanted to see. But my heart just couldn’t  get past the fact that there in the magnified picture was my almost-baby. Medically what was a really cool finding (because the usual way they do this procedure they would have either missed this or never seen it) and awesome for the resident who was in the room that day. Pathology confirmed there was no fetal tissue, it was definitely a blighted Ovum, and empty sac. And I had them check my urine and my pregnancy test was indeed negative now. I’m glad. I don’t think I could have dealt with buying my own tests and waiting to see negatives again, or worse just seeing positives still after all of this.

My doctor and I had a discussion where I said “I am just having trouble moving past this. Getting to a point where I don’t wish for another baby, getting to a point where I am ok being done.” And he just said “I know.” and sat with me in that thought for a bit. And it’s true. My heart aches for the longing for another baby, for things to feel complete. And I am still so sad and so angry that I am not pregnant now. And I wish I was, so badly. And I know another pregnancy isn’t going to make me feel better, it isn’t going to make everything magically ok. It will probably make things worse initially. And I also know that this might happen again.

I want to write about something else, anything else, I really do. But you know, no one asks about how you are doing once they think everything is over. I have some people who never even asks how I was after the D&C. I have no other place to put these feelings, and if I carry them around silently any longer I might not ever be ok again.

So I am here, sitting in my car in the parking lot watching it rain, and pouring my heart out here so that I can go home and try and be anything but how I feel inside, and hope that each day I can stop taking steps backwards and just move forward. Finally.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Cancer Conundrum

Weird title, I know, but I need some advice.

I mentioned in a few recent posts about a close friend of mine who at 43 is dealing with a recurrence of cancer. It is now in multiple areas of her body (lungs, brain, and subcutaneous areas) and is undergoing extensive treatments to try and prolong her life. She has so far done several rounds of radiation to different areas and has now started chemo.

She is extremely lucky in that she hasn’t been too sick (so far) and has mostly been able to carry on with life, minus working. She has been able to be out and about with her family and friends and been ok, which is amazing. While we are close, I am not in the inner circle of her life as I once was, as our kids started different schools and activities and our career paths diverged, but we have always been able to pick right back up where we left off. I am sure we all have friends that fall in to that category.

So what I need help with is I don’t know how to communicate with her now that she is facing this huge hurdle and her life is taken up by something so huge. I mean, I reach out and check on her and ask/offer to do whatever she might need, and she will reach out with any new medical news but that is about it. I ask about her family and if they can use any help or support, she is forthcoming with personal info about her and everyone, but then that’s about it because I don’t know, there’s just only so much, I am praying for you, that must be hard, what can I do, how are you doings you can ask in one conversation.

I feel...guilty if I talk about anything going on in my life, and she doesn’t ask anything at all, not even a “how are you”. Which is fine, I mean, I don’t expect her to have much else on her mind, when she is literally fighting for her life. The one time I mentioned anything about me (I was saying how I understood a teen issue because my daughter had had a similar thing) she didn’t acknowledge any of that. So I just stopped mentioning anything going on over here, but then the conversation stops because idk I just don’t know what else to say.

I am not mad about it, but I am trying to figure out if I should just try and keep talking with talking about what’s going on in my life. Personally I feel very guilty and terrible if I do talk about it. I mean, it’s not like she is bedridden and not out and about doing fun fall activities with her family, but it feels like she has to do all these things because it’s likely the last time she will get to fall, not because it’s just that time of year to do them, if that makes sense. I don’t want to talk about my life and make her feel bad or worse in any way, but I don’t know how else to carry on the conversation. If she weren’t so sick I would know how to talk to her, but I feel like what she is going through changes everything, changes all the rules. I have tried to imagine what I would want, and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be treated or talked to differently, but then again I literally can’t imagine what it must be like facing the reality that you might have to say goodbye to the world way too soon.

Does anyone have any experience with a friend or family member who has gone through this? Or been the one who was sick yourself? I would love any kind of advice anyone has. This has been weighting on me for a while now.

Monday, October 22, 2018

the d&c

I has my D&C done this morning, and I am home and resting(ish). I was really nervous and a little scared because I haven’t been put under anesthesia is over 20 years, but also because I didn’t really know what to expect, so I wanted to write about my experience here in case it helps anyone else if they ever need this procedure.

Last week I had to repeat some bloodwork to check my hcg levels and also get a CBC for pre-op. The CBC has to be within the last 30 days, and the beta was to see if my numbers were falling (I found out today they were, down in the one-thousands from the twos a week prior.) I was scheduled for 7:45am so I had to arrive at 6:45am, and I couldn’t have anything to eat or drink after midnight. I did cheat and had some water in the middle of the night and also when I woke up, but I didn’t tell them that. Also the night before I would look at the clock and think “In 12 hours this will be over” every couple of hours and that helped me not be too upset and nervous all night.

My friend picked me up at 6am to drive me, and thankfully she just talked to me about random stuff on the way so I didn’t have time to think too much or get in my head and be nervous. My tummy was nervous so I found a bathroom when we got there right away before checking in.

When I arrived I checked in and after a few minutes met with registration to verify all my info and sign the billing forms. After that my friend and I sat and talked for a few minutes but my nervous tummy made me find  the bathroom again. When I got back the pre-op nurse was collecting my friend’s information, and she took me to the back to have me change. I had to take off everything but because I was spotting I could leave my undies on for now. They made me put on compression stockings and footies. When I first was left alone to change I started to get a little freaked out and panicked and started to cry, but I made myself get undressed and just do this.

When I came out the nurse wanted to check my blood pressure, temperature, start an IV, and lots of questions on the computer. I told her I was very nervous, and she was so kind asking me questions about what happened and showing genuine care and concern and telling me how sorry she was. She mentioned I was posted for general anesthesia where you have to be intubated, and I kind of freaked out and she said “You don’t want that” and I told her No, that’s not what I thought I was going to get, I thought I was getting Twilight (IV sedation) and she assured me I could talk to the anesthesiologist shortly and not to worry. I also asked about the level of pain afterward and was assured it should be minimal, like period cramps, since I was already in the process of miscarriage, meaning my cervix was already open and I had passed a lot of tissue myself already. She couldn’t get an IV to work in my left hand so she got another nurse to try while she finished questioning me and straightening out my meds listened in the computer. Somehow the pain meds and other stuff I was given after my last C-section during my hospital stay was listed as drugs I currently take, so it looked like I had a pain-meds habit HAH so we had to adjust all of that.

The OB resident came in to explain the procedure and risks, and I was asked if I was OK with receiving blood products if they were needed (unlikely, but still) I signed all the consents. I also spoke to the nurse and my doctor that while I didn’t have a written advanced directive, my husband and I had a verbal one so that if something happened they needed to call him because he knows what I would want for my care. This is scary but necessary, and I plan to have it in writing soon. All I will say is do not wait to have one, because if something sudden happens to you, your spouse or next of kin will be asked to make decisions on your care, and that is way too emotional of a time for anyone to be trying to think clearly, and it is a burden on them to decide for you. This prompted a quick recap with my doc about why my husband was at home (GI bug still cycling through the house, 2 others home sick today) and that my friend he was talking to was outside. He also told me all the tissue would be sent to pathology for testing which is routine here, but not necessarily a routine thing everywhere.

My doc came in while Anesthesia was just walking in, and together they clarified (and I overheard) that I would NOT need general anesthesia so I was relieved. The Anesthesiologist took time to listen to my concerns (mainly anxiety and panicked attacks when I get on the OR table) and gave me lots of time for questions and told me I could have whatever drugs I needed to be calm and comfortable. Versed is an anti-anxiety med I have been given before getting a Spinal during my C-section and it is wonderfully calming, and I told him that was my friend for making his job easier and he said he would give that to me.

One thing I want to say here is that anytime you are in a hospital receiving care, it can feel like things just happen to you without you really understanding what is happening or having a choice in it. You almost always have a choice (as long as there is no immediate emergent issue) so ALL of your care providers should talk to you about everything that is/will happen and give you time to ask questions, and they should listen to you if you know there are things you need that work best, ect. If things feel rushed, it is you right to slow things down and ask for a minute to think.

After that they brought my friend in to give me a hug and kiss and take my phone from me and my locker key. I stopped in the bathroom one more time and then we walked to the OR with my doctor, who explained the procedure in medical terms for me (and when he said blade and I grimaced he teased me and said oh gosh, it’s a tiny thing, and I joked that it wasn’t going in his uterus, and I was calm for a second. It was super tiny, not at all like the actual hospital rooms, and my anesthesia doc asked why I had that terrible look in my face, and I kind of bounced on my heals for a few while they got the bed ready and moved my one gown, and got me a bag for my undies I had taken off in the bathroom. As soon as they got me positioned on the table, they gave me an oxygen mask and the Versed and I immediately felt relaxed and shortly after that I was asleep.

I woke up not too much later super groggy for the first few minutes, but I looked over at the anesthesiologist and thanked him for waking me up. They were asking me to move over to the stretcher but I couldn’t figure out which way to go and went the wrong direction, like my brain couldn’t tell my body what to do, I couldn’t figure out what to do. I said “hold on, I feel drunk” and my doctor laughed at me and said “well, you are drunk. When is the last time you drank?” And I told him about the Margaritas my friend and I had Wednesday at our Mexican place, and we talked for a minute about how it was one of the only places open again in this town that flooded recently. It so funny because I had to have sounded like a fruit loop, I don’t know how I formed words because I didn’t feel like I was there at all, I think my eyes were half shut. My nose felt weird and the anesthesia doctor pulled a tube out of my nostril, because I was snoring bad. I told him that I have a deviated septum and I also think I was starting to come down with a cold. I also realized I had a massive headache along the front of my head and the back of my neck. He told me the drugs he gave me (Propofol, Fentanyl, and Toradol) because Propfol wasn’t quite enough to keep me from moving. I have never had Fentanly and it’s strong so I think my headache was from that.

I got in recovery and the nurse gave me a million blankets that I don’t think I needed but I still felt a bit groggy. My mouth was like cotton and I had to pee. She said I could get up soon if I could hold it, and asked if I wanted juice or soda and some crackers. I just wanted water but they like to see you eat something to make sure you don’t vomit. It was seriously the best water I ever had. She brought me Tylenol and oxycodone so I decided to try the crackers but my mouth was so dry it was turning to a super thick, dry goo so I gave up on that. My doctor came in and told me there was still a very tiny sac, but no baby. So either the sac was so small we couldn’t see it on ultrasound, or there were possibly 2 sacs and we missed one on the early scans. He said had I waited it out it would have taken a long time to bleed that all out and a lot of it had just been sitting there. He said my uterus looked good otherwise with no scar tissue and my C-sections scars were in good shape.

A few minutes later they brought my friend back and the nurse got my locker key and I got up and was allowed to get dressed. They made me get in a wheelchair to get there, and told me to keep the compression stockings on for 24 hours, no driving for 24 hours, no lifting anything over 5lbs for 48 hours. They also gave me a preyfor 600mgs Ibuprofen.

Things that are normal are light spotting or bleeding for a few days to 2 weeks and period cramps. Not normal is heavy bleeding, severe pain, not being able to go to the bathroom, nausea and vomiting, foul smelling smelling discharge, or fever.

So afterwards my friend and I got in the car (the nurse wheeled me out and helped me get in and buckled, which felt a bit much) and we stopped at Walmart to get something for my dinner and a few other supplies. She was hungry and convinced me to eat subway with her, then we stopped for Starbucks, and then she wanted to see the Goodwill near my house since I was up for it. I didn’t feel bad, just a little high from the pain meds but other than that I was ok.

It’s been about 8 hours now and I still feel ok, I have a headache and I got a little crampy, but Inteied to lay down and can’t really relax. I already called the office and made my 2 week follow-up appointment and the girl in the office was surprised I was doing so well already. I don’t think I really understood the full-ranging effects of this prolonged miscarriage until now. I feel...relieved. And I feel so cared for, from the nursing staff to my doctor, to my friend. I know they were just doing their jobs, but I work in healthcare and not everyone has great bedside matter or makes you feel safe and loved and listened to.

While I was laying down, my 14 year old daughter came home from school. She had been worried all day, and I didn’t really talk about this with them, because I was so scared myself and didn’t know what it would be like so I felt like I didn’t have anything I could share with them. So she laid with me and I told her everything and what they do and even things she didn’t understand about women exams that it’s all through the vaginau. And I felt really bad that my fear and silence did a disservice to her. I made a mental note to try and better keep my kids informed of things, as much as I may want to shield them from it or not feel the feelings myself.

I still have a headache and feel a bit foggy, so I plan to get to bed early tonight. But overall I feel such relief and healing. Thank you to everyone who has read my words or left comments or emails of support and abiding over these past few weeks. It feel really good to have so much support here when I feel like people on the outside don’t really understand these feelings. While I don’t wish this on anyone, it is comforting to know I am not alone, and haven’t been alone in my feelings or experience, unfortunately.

I have a Day in The Life post all documented I just need to write it up, but I plan to get that posted this week.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

little reminders

Finally, surgery is scheduled for Monday. Just a few more days of this, and then hopefully Inwill have some closure and can move on from this. I am really ready to get off this one-waybtrain to nowhere. I really wanted to blog something different this week and was all set to do a Day in The Life post, and then the day I was going to write about started with a whole lot of puke and other GI distresses, and no one needs to read about that. I am going to attempt to document tomorrow and write it up this weekend. Fingers crossed.

I went to get my pre-op bloodwork done yesterday, apparently the CBC I had done wasn’t recent enough. I went about 40 minutes before the lab closed, and it was empty when I got there. I was minding my own business trying to figure out the new self-check-in kiosk, when I heard from around the corner “Yeah, everyone says they think I am having a girl this time, but I think boy”, and I looked behind me to see a super pregnant woman. Of course there was.

Luckily I couldn’t dwell on that because right after I was meeting my friend for dinner and we ate way too much delicious Mexican food and I might have had a few Margaritas and a ton of laughs. And without even asking, she told me she is taking me on Monday. Due to school and other child care issues I was all set to go by myself and Uber home, which seemed reasonable to me when faced with what to do, but she was having none of it.

And this morning getting dressed I looked down and noticed the pooch of my lower belly from my uterus, which is not full of life but of remaining products of conception that it is trying to rid itself of. The constant dull ache of my uterus reminds me of that all day long, and also reminds me of the terrible job it is doing of cleansing itself.

But Monday. Monday all this will be gone, and I can finally start healing and move on.

Monday, October 15, 2018

surgery is looking imminent

After all of the extended cramping and bleeding and the ultrasound my doctor did, I was hopeful I was over some of the worst of it, like my body did what it was supposed to do. My doctor wanted me to follow up on Friday morning if it was still lots of clotting and blood. Well, it had been first thing in the morning when I woke up but then it had been tapering off to a bit more than spotting by early afternoon, so I figured I would wait and get my blood drawn the next day and have a better picture of everything.

Well. My beta is 2781. I know. So I had the u/s tech scan me and I guess all the cramping has moved a bunch of tissue around so now I have 22mm of echogenic gunk in my uterus. And I wouldn’t say that I have exactly been cramping over the last couple days, more like little irritations. So clear sky this miscarriage is incomplete.

My doctor has wanted to prescribe me either cytotec or Methergine to take at home. But I am TERRIFIED of taking something at home. The labor-intense contractions last week were at the very top of my pain threshold. I couldn’t function at all it was so bad, all I could do was rock back and forth on my hands and knees and breathe/cry. That kind of pain just seems cruel and unnecessary to just expel the remains of a failed pregnancy. I am so scared that taking medication at home is going to cause that kind of pain and then I am just stuck in it.

And I am also just SO angry that things are going this way. That my options now are extreme pain and more bleeding or surgery. Which takes me back to the circle of guilt and and the what did I do to deserve this thoughts I wrote about yesterday. And part of me now feels like surgery is the best option to just get all this over with, to just be done with all this shit. And my heart. Oh, how this is just stabbing me in the heart.

I do ok for a while, especially at last weeks’ end, when I thought I was almost done with this and hopeful for a nice low beta, if not back to zero. That sent me into a panic spiral and also just a sad letdown of feelings. After work I went to do some necessary retail therapy at Goodwill to try to get out of my head and just process everything, to let things settle.

And I came across the most beautifully soft crib bedding hidden among the tablecloths and I paused for a moment and ran my hands along the soft plush fabric thinking how perfect it was, and feeling a physical squeezing pain in my heart, and I almost lost it right there in Goodwill amongst the curtains and housewares. And all in one quick moment I felt all 5 of those stages of grief wash over me, one after another. And I felt myself start to cramp a little more and felt the blood once again leaking out into the pad in my underwear and I was brought right back to reality.

I am about to reach out to my doctor. Unless he can give me some reasonable assurance that using Methergeine will likely work and that it shouldn’t send me in to actual labor, then I am going to get on the schedule for a D&C, hopefully by weeks end and finally be done with this part of my nightmare.