And then...well, I haven’t been well since. What started as a migraine has led to 2 weeks of dizziness/nausea, headaches, anxiety, and some really high blood pressure. 3 emergency room visits, 2 head scans, and a lot of meds later and I am still no closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. I struggled to get through my oldest son’s birthday and doing all the things. Somehow I got everything done, but the holidays were filled with anxiety and stress and worry and my general upset-ness of how I am feeling and all the things I am missing, and how I can barely be a mom like this.
I’ve worked myself up so much about all these worst case scenario things and that anxiety is contributing to the headaches/blood pressure issues. I have felt so much like a hot mess inside, not showing anyone how I am really feeling because I don’t need everyone around me to worry to. Fuck. I have too many people who need me, something can’t be seriously wrong with me. Yet I know how unfair life is.
Tonight I am supposed to go for an MRI to rule out all the really bad things. I’m going to need a truck tonight Xanax to get through it, and then the next few days until I know something. Playing into some of my anxiety is that 12 years ago on New Years Eve, we were told that my dad’s cancer was no longer treatable and that he would die. And I just think what a fucked up, bullshit coincidence.
Being a woman, there are so many more things it could be than if I was a man. I’m currently waiting for results of an extended thyroid panel as well as iron levels. I have a month-long hormone test I have to start next cycle, that will give me a broader picture of my current status. I have a visit with a cardiologist to figure out my blood pressure issues as well as a heart murmur I was born with. I need a sleep study because I have a deviated septum and I snore. Plus a consult with a neurologist. If everything with my head is negative then over to an ENT to assess my inner ear. Plus anti-anxiety meds because my doc believes anxiety is driving a lot of this.
Apparently, when I fall apart, I fall apart completely.
All the while my kids need me and have a million things, my puppy has a knee issue and needs surgery, which now has to wait until I get myself straightened out first. My husband has been pouty because I haven’t been around much as I am trying to go to bed early in case lack of sleep is making things worse. It’s just all been a lot and I feel like such a loser at life because of this.
Please don’t comment on what I might have or what you had with similar symptoms...none of that helps and my doctor has ordered me to stop googling and talking to people because it’s making my anxiety so much worse. But if you have prayers, love, good thoughts, healing vibes, those I will take.
I’m really, really scared guys. And I am SO damn emotional. And with all of this comes the reality that my baby-making days are over. And that’s a whole set of other emotions I can’t even touch right now.
