the aftermath

Since there is a nationwide shortage of the tubing normally used in a suction d&c, my doctor did the procedure a different way, instead using a hysteroscope and and a small spinning blade, which actually allows for more accurate work since you can see exactly what you are removing before you remove it.

He cleared out the uterine cavity of a lot of tissue and blood products that had detached from the wall but were just sitting in there stuck since I hadn’t been having any cramps that would force it out. He checked my lower uterus and the incision site and all of that looked very good and strong and solid. Then he went up a little higher, and there at the top of my uterus was a tiny blue bubble that was the gestational sac. Right there at the top of my uterus where it was supposed to be. It wasn’t ectopic or implanted too low in my uterus too close to the old incision site or my cervix. Nope, my baby was right where it was supposed to be. Behind it was all the build up of blood we saw on the ultrasound, so it wasn’t a possible twin it was the same sac that had shrunk down so small it wasn’t visible on ulatrsojnd any longer. I never actually passed it. My almost baby hung on until the last second, even the labor intense contractions I had couldn’t get it to let go. That baby wanted to be here with me, too.

After I sat for a while and wrote my last post, I tried to stop at my favorite store that is near my doctor’s office, but I couldn’t even enjoy it, I was so weighted down and sad. I ended up putting back half of what I picked up and just got out of there as fast as I could. I got back in the car and put on some music and every song that came on just seemed to be talking directly to me in how I felt in that moment.

The entirety of the lyrics to “Angel Wings” by Social Distortion. Here’s a portion:

You say you're down on your luck
Hey baby It's a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you're really down and out
And you feel like there's no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I've been dealt?
You're so disillusioned this can't be real
And you can't stand now the way you feel

I don't care about what they say
I won't live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel's wings won't you carry me home?

And then this small portion from September by Daughtry

Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone, yeah

Thanks shuffle.

So I ended up sobbing my heart out on the drive home, everything I had been holding in since that appointment, everything just came crashing down on me, and all of a sudden I had this thought, this realization.

We should have been grateful. Instead of being shocked and scared and just so overwhelmed when the two lines popped up, we should have just been grateful. Maybe if we had things would have turned out differently.