Monday Feels

 My anxiety kicked up last night on my way to work. Having been awake the entire night, my brain is exhausted. And when my brain gets exhausted all the feels come out. So here’s what’s on my mind that’s apparently been riding under the surface and is now manifesting itself into physical signs of anxiety. (Sore joints, tendinitis acting up in a different area every day, you know, all the fun things.

My husband. And his therapy. And all the awful things he has talked about, and all the awful things he still has to talk about, a lot including me, some about the bad shit we’ve been through. Some of that stuff was hard enough for me to live through the first time…I don’t know how I am going to walk this path with him. I will, of course. I just hope it doesn’t break me in the process. Or break us.

Panic about things going back to “normal.” I don’t feel safe in a crowded grocery store, I can’t imagine going back to life as normal. And it’s still far too soon for the things some leaders are doing, like our local mayor in the beach town, who lifted the mask mandate on the freaking boardwalk, which is a super crowded, packed in situation at the pier end. It was a nightmare before Covid. Is anyone else feeling this way?

Over the past year and a half I lost a ton of weight, and am back down to highschool weight again somehow, although my body is shaped completely differently now!! So I had my annual physical and tons of labs done…and all my hormone levels were normal…!?!?…even my AMH and FSH and LH were all in normal ranges. Yet it’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and despite no protection I haven’t gotten pregnant since. Not trying/not avoiding, not even keeping track of my cycle at all. I’ll be 43 this summer. I don’t know what to do with this information…the crazy part of me thinks oh well I still have a shot…and the rationale part of me says it’s ridiculous. Nothing fills a baby shaped hole. Nothing.

With the pandemic my youngest, who is 5 now, did not get a chance to go to preschool. And while I know he’s smart, I don’t know that’s he’s exactly ready for Kindergarten, being the baby of the family and all. I am seriously considering homeschooling him for the first half of next school year at least, to try and give him one on one attention and get him ready. I am in no way meant to be a teacher, but out of all my kids he’s the one I think would work with me best, and it’s kindergarten, so surely I can manage that. I’m just starting to look into programs, so if anyone knows a good one I would love to know.

We were away at a family event back in March, and of course there will always be drama when families get together, I know that. But once again it proved how misunderstood I am and have always been with my family, how much of the black sheep I am. My sister actually called tore me down and reamed me out for a situation I wasn’t actually a part of, and said some pretty hurtful things to me. Anymore I realize that among family, the only place I’m safe to be myself and not be judged is in my own home, with my own family. While the kids all had a great time and it could potentially be our spring break vacation spot, I feel like I don’t really want to go back anytime soon. I never confronted my sister and I don’t think I’m going to…because if she truly thinks about me how she said when she was yelling at me, I would rather not know and have confirmation. Because I feel like I know the answer. And it sucks.

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