It’s not all bad

 Despite the fact that my life is like some twisted work of fiction but is in face very real, things aren’t all doom and gloom and terrible. Therapy for both of us separately and a clear communication of personal physical boundaries, and we are able to live together and function as a team while everything else just simmers. We have a lot of work to do, but we also can’t live in that negative space all the time. So…cheers to making the best of it I suppose!

So…onto the good things. Well, for one it’s summer and virtual school is OVER. OMG thank goodness!! It was completely awful for everyone and I sorta can’t wait to put them on the bus in the fall!!

My birthday is Saturday…lots of mixed feeling on that. Weirdly calm about the number but can’t really believe I am actually an adult of that age. At the end of some days I definitely feel it, but mentally? No way. I still curse like a sailor and act like a fool. I just don’t even care anymore. Lol

We bought a crap ton of fireworks and together with some neighbors will put on a pretty massive display on Sunday. We have an open field in our front yard we use, the neighbors have an extended hose, and we just get to watch an awesome homemade display. We also somehow snagged a bounce house rental from Friday until Tuesday!! For under $300. So that goes in the front yard right in front of our bay window so the kids can be safely in and out all weekend.

My brother whose been going through a shitty divorce is in town for 2 days and wanted to hang out and told me to pick a place for dinner tonight. Divorce sucks but it has brought he and I closer and we chat fairly often now when we never did before, so although I hate what he’s going through I’m grateful he still likes me.

Amazon. Seriously the best. My 7 year old Smoosh loves to craft and create, so I ordered a bunch of different kits and supplies. We tried out the Dino Dig kit where you excavate the fossil and then paint it. Well…we used a tray on the bedroom floor and the rock material makes a HUGE mess. Carpet wasn’t the best place for that. But it was really cool and fun to do.

Speaking of bedrooms…we are working on the master bedroom currently to give it more our vibe. I’ve always hated the color of our room (lavender) and found this awesome color called Ocean Abyss by Behr where I got a massage a few weeks back, and it’s awesome. A darker gray is going to be the baseboards. Unsure of the doors yet but our attached bathroom is a deep Caribbean blue with cream tile. I also found the perfect coffee table when I wasn’t even looking for one (thanks Amazon🤦🏽‍♀️) Our little hang out sitting space  needed something narrow for storage or if we are having dinner or snacks or playing a game. It’s one that has the pull up arm so the table raises and there is more storage underneath and then a bottom shelf. It’s supposed to be made for smaller spaces. I also but a black metal towel rack with 5 hooks that I need to find a place for. The table should arrive just in time for our 21st wedding anniversary next week (the 7th). 

I know all of this may seem bizarre considering all the circumstances. And it is, believe me. I’d be lying if I said my head wasn’t spinning, because it definitely is. But also…no one is 100% bad and no one is 100% good. We all have shades of darkness and grey, things we did we aren’t proud of. Things we wish we would have done differently. I know I have plenty. I’m not at all making excuses for him, but I would rather let the dust settle and have therapy work some of it magic. I know I wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst day, my worst decision. And for all the terrible trauma my husband has been through, my heart still breaks for him because no human deserves that. And in the end of it wasn’t for all this he wouldn’t have had these memories resurface and be able to get therapy so he can no longer live with so much pain, and for that I am grateful. Part of this has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I had empathy before, but it’s taking me having to try to understand a situation I can completely not even imagine and seeing the bigger picture to really know empathy. And it’s made me better at my job because it requires so much empathy and the people are so poor, so sick in all sorts of ways. It’s the inner city, and the empathy tank can run low if I’m being honest.

And my life isn’t a bad one. I don’t regret anything about family, we are all happy and get along and are teaching each other lessons everyday. And this guy I met when I was 21, he was 22. And the truth of it is we are each other’s best friends. There is a genuine love there. I guess it got hidden in there somewhere for both of us at times along the way. After not really talking for a couple of days, I finally broke down and started babbling away. I realized I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to talk to. It’s always darkest before dawn…I have to believe it’s about to get brighter if I just hang on.

And in honor of Pride Month, I would like to leave you with a picture of beautiful, crazy, bisexual me (Charlotte), a few weeks ago clowning at work before putting on scrubs🤪

i’m not ok, either

 Jess wrote last week (I think it was last week) about NOT being ok.And all I could think of was, I’m not ok, either.

Because I’m not. My feelings about being wary of my husband going through therapy became true; because to talk about himself means to talk about me. I’m so tangled up in his lies and his past that of course I would come up. And then it brought up more things that were lies….and it’s left me feeling broken. Every single thing on every list of emotional manipulation and sexual predator behavior he used on me in the beginning, over and over, and made me feel safe so I would trust him. Finding all of this out 21 years later is a sucker punch to the gut. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Disgusted. Just sick to my stomach over each memory. Realizing just how far he went to get what he wanted…convincing me to not use protection and try for a baby, all while doing the same thing with his wife (who I knew nothing about until I was 4 months pregnant).

Realizing how he failed to protect me then, and how he failed to protect me now. He held on to the secrets and lies and made me go to his ex-wife to find out the truth. It was brutal and painful and horrific in every way to sit across from this person and hear all about my husband who I thought I knew. And then when I didn’t have all the pieces, instead of coming clean he made my brain work like a detective to put everything in order.

And then my brain and body had the realization that he, as a victim of sexual abuse, abused me by abusing my trust, by lying to me about absolutely everything and hiding anything he didn’t want me to see. Hurt people Hurt people, and he hurt me. Parts of me feel beyond repair. Physically my body does not want to be close to his. The few words he says ring hollow. Everything I’ve ever asked of him he hasn’t been able to do. He’s broken too. And he broke me.

What do you do if the foundation of your relationship was based on lies and deceit, and manipulation?? How in the hell do you even begin to fix that? All while knowing leaving isn’t an option. I will not punish my kids because of him. And ironically, he’s a pretty decent dad, albeit not super affectionate as they get older. But man.

I feel stupid. I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel violated. I feel lost. I feel such a deep sadness it feels like it may swallow me whole.

I don’t know when I’ll be ok again.