one year later

 It’s been a year since I effectively upended my entire marriage in a quest for the truth. It’s been a year of heartache, tears, prayers, therapy, and hours upon hours of late nights and long talks. It’s been a year where my mind has been stretched, where I’ve been tested in ways I never expected, where I have had to reach into the depths of my being to learn (or re-learn) empathy even when it seemed like I shouldn’t have any.

I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought I was, when I had to be enough for the both of us and hold us up through some of the worst. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, that childhood traumas not dealt with can haunt and change a person, and that none of this has ever been about me.

As hard as it was, something beautiful came from all of the pain and anguish and hurt and doubt; a marriage that survived it all and is stronger and better than it ever was. There is beauty in forgiveness, in letting go of the past which can not be changed. There is a beauty in finally understanding, and accepting, all the things from the past.

Love is greater than hate. Forgiveness is better than holding onto a grudge. Understanding is better than questioning. 

This did not happen overnight. I struggled for months and months trying to reason all this out in my head…praying for some divine peace, praying for a reason to believe. We both sat on opposite sides of the hurt and pain, struggling to see the other side.

And then one day in August, everything just clicked. I finally, truly got it. I went to him and said I understood, finally, what he had been trying to tell me for years. I understood him, I understood everything completely, in a way I can’t really describe. But it was like all of a sudden one day, I just knew. And he cried, because I finally got it, finally got him in a way I was never able to before. And it was pretty amazing when it happened.

My life is a good one. It’s had some crazy twist and turns I never expected, but that’s just life. I am happy. We are happy, to a sickening degree. While the past year was excruciatingly difficult at times, it was completely necessary if we were ever going to be free of the past. Our relationship is so strong, our love is so strong, everything is out in the open, no secrets, no lies, no hiding the past. He’s still in therapy, and he likely will be for a long time. It’s 4 decades of crap to untangle for him.

As for us…we’re gonna be just fine.