One year ago today marks the birth of my 5th baby. I've been running memories of that day through my mind...what I was doing one year ago. One year ago at this time I was getting put back together after my baby had been pulled from my body. I'm trying to savor all of those memories...just in case. Just in case I never get to do this again. Just in case that was my last time. Just in case he is my last baby. I'm trying to hold on to the babyhood, his infancy as long as I possible can. He seems to be helping me with that, in deciding he's not ready to walk just yet and preferring to crawl everywhere like younger baby. And I'm holding on to nursing him for as long as I possibly can.
I have a ton of conflicting emotions about this. Some days, MOST days, I feel so overwhelmed by everything that I just can't imagine doing it pregnant, or with a newborn, or going through these stages AGAIN. And I feel horrible for feeling that way, but it's the truth. The toddler stage is NO JOKE, and it's so hard, and I'm older and less patient. And then things calm down and we have a relatively calm day and I soak in my babies and think how I could do it a million times more. Having such a spread of ages I think adds to the stress, because my brain has to bend and balance teenage woes and toddler meltdowns at the same time, and sometimes mom needs JUST A MINUTE to regroup and reframe and focus. And there's never enough money to do all the things for all the people. But unless we were millionaires that will likely always be the case.
I thank God every night I have this life, that He gave me this chance to be these tiny people's mother. It's messy, and stressful, and there is yelling and fighting, and tears, and laughter. And I would be lying if I said it didn't weigh on my mind every single day if I will get to do this again, one last time. I wonder if my body will even let me (and I don't know what my body is doing due to the Domperidone I am still taking to keep me producing milk so I haven't had a period in months now), and if I am a strong enough person to do this once more...to go through another few years of pregnancy, infancy, toddlerhood. To know that I will likely not get to get rid of al the baby weight and have time for myself until I am well into my 40's. And are those selfish thoughts I shouldn't have?? So many questions floating in my head and time marches on and I speed closer to 39. Is it even responsible for me to have another child at my age? But my heart longs for that completed feeling...and I still feel that longing, that space, that unfinished piece.
I guess I will just keep living my life as I have been, and one way or another I will have my answer eventually. I just have to be okay with letting go and not having the answers right now. I won't know until I know.
Tonight we will have Chinese takeout and homemade birthday cake, and sing to my sweet Baby boy a happy First Birthday. And I will try to ignore that small voice in the back of my mind that wonders if this is the last first birthday I will have. And I will cry, as I am right now, for all of it.