About Me

I am an insane human being. I have been a wife for 15 plus years, and a mom for almost as long. I had 3 children early on...then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years. Thought our family was complete, so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets. Then we were surprised that our luck changed. Our running total is Parents: 2, Kids: 5, Pets:4. My life is far from perfect, and much of our happiness was hard fought and won, from the death of a parent, job loss and marriage troubles, miscarriage and IF, we have been through it all, and dare I say we made it, with a lot of love and laughter, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

December Recap

While I sounded really down and depressed in my last post, life hasn't been all that bad overall. Post-holiday let down is a real thing, folks. I am already feeling better and more hopeful, and each day gets a little better as well.

December definitely had its moments, but overall there was much to celebrate. We took a family trip to New York City to see all the touristy, holiday things. Despite it being a wacky trip full of ridiculous shenanigans that really deserves a post of its own, it was a great little getaway and I am really glad we did it. We celebrated my oldest son turning 11 with a trip to the trampoline park and a sleepover where we woke up to a very icy morning. We watched lots of Christmas movies, ate lots of yummy treats, made homemade gifts of pumpkin bread, jam, and cookies. We tried our best to get a picture of all the kids in front of the Christmas Tree, with a little success. We listened to Christmas music, drove around looking at lights, wrapped gifts, and tried our best to really enjoy the season.

The week leading up to Christmas was a cluster of epic proportions that left me not only saying "What else could possibly happen?!" but also supremely frustrated and ready to cancel the entire thing. Not one of my kids wanted to be helpful or cooperative, and things were falling apart at every turn. I tried to space out things I needed to do in hopes I would give myself enough time, but somehow, as always, it came down to the last 2 days and I was non-stop and exhausted. Seriously, the week had everything from illness, to a whole days worth of baking ruined by someone "trying to help", to a potty training toddler smearing poop on every surface of the living room (curtains included) 3 days before the house was to be filled with guests, to a dog dripping blood all over the house after she cut her mouth chewing on tree branches, to a washing machine leaking all over the basement in a fluke event that hasn't happened since, to a 12 year old kicking her 11 year old brother in the nuts so hard he was on the floor for an hour in tears, to me just losing my shit because my kids were acting AWFUL. And at the end of that very ridiculous week I ended up in Walmart on the Friday night before Christmas basically in my PJs because a gift I had bought for someone had the correct size top but 4 sizes larger in the bottoms, which I only found out because we were wrapping the last of the gifts. And I KNOW there were other insane things that happened that week but for my sanity I must have blocked them out. In the grand scheme of things it wasn't the end of the world but in the middle of it it felt like that very famous line in Christmas Vacation where Clark flips out and says "Look around Ellen, we are in the thresholds of hell".

Christmas Day itself ended up being ok, if not a little weird. The older kids are mostly not believing in Santa (although you dare not say you don't believe in my house) and the younger ones are still too little to really "get" it, my husband and I don't do any real extravagant gifts for eachother (and he's not the greatest gift-giver anyway, sigh) and my dad isn't here, and now I'm the adult who has to do all the cooking...so yeah. I love going to mass, though, and celebrating Jesus' birthday, but we do that on Christmas Eve.

The week after Christmas we had nasty germs going around our house so it was a very long week. No one felt well so everyone kept to themselves, except Toddler boy who was really down and out with a fever so he spent hours each day just laying on me. I escaped a couple times to go out for more medicine and juice and other sick day supplies, and managed to get myself together enough to go back to work. After 2 weeks at home I felt weird like I didn't want to leave my family bubble. I remember feeing the same way at the end of my maternity leave. Which is so crazy because I got to work and was like yeah...these are my people, they have my back and I'm protected. Ive mentioned that I've been an emotional weirdo lately, I wasn't kidding!

Maybe soon I will write about our New York trip...our traveling circus is certainly one for the books!

Monday, January 2, 2017

MicroBlog Monday's: Getting Better

I don't do New Years resolutions. I actually really resent the fact that because the calendar year changes, we are expected to make a bunch of unattainable goals and then feel bad about ourselves when we inevitably fail.

But. I have been in a rut and I need to do something starting NOW to get myself out of it. I need a fresh start. I have some lifestyle changes I want to make. I want, no I NEED, to start taking some time to put myself first...or at the very least not dead last to the point of being forgotten.

This last year has been a wonderful blessing, but MAN was it challenging, in a whole host of aspects. Being a mom to a new baby and a demanding toddler is hard; being mom to a teenager is even harder. Trying to juggle all the balls was more than a little insane. Somehow in this last year I have managed to really lose myself. I made myself so unimportant to myself that it rubbed off on those I live with...I started to feel unimportant to them, too. The holidays were very hard. Everything just kind of came to a head...it was like everything I was trying to do for everyone else didn't even matter to anyone. I started to feel like I didn't matter. Like no matter what I did it wasn't ever going to be enough. And I just really lost it.

On top of my fragile emotional state, there is the physical yuck I have been feeling. I gained a bit of weight over the last 6 months, partly from a medication I was on, and partly from putting myself dead last. I didn't take are of myself when it came to eating and getting any real excercise. My clothes don't fit right...even my "fat" clothes feel snug. And I just don't feel well. I feel fat and unattractive and frumpy and just gross.

I am going to be completely honest here and say that I don't get much support at home when it comes to things like this. Basically the general feeling is one of indifference, so long as it doesn't affect the rest of the house. This also doesn't help my emotional well being, but it is what it is. I've shed plenty of tears over this but it's not something that is ever going to change. It does make me feel a little like the love is conditional. Which really sort of sucks.

So, on my own, I am going to try to start putting myself above some other things. I am going to try to get a workout in everyday, and I am going to try to feed myself properly and not be so busy with everyone else that I only have time to grab a sugared up cup of coffee. I am going to work on my mental well being, as well. I can't tell you how much it sucks to be 38 and still feel like crap about your body. How probably now the comparing myself to others nonsense has come back with a vengeance like it hasn't done since middle school. For a long time I was Ok with myself, but something happened to my body image since having these last 2 babies and my self-esteem has just taken a nose dive. And it's all in my head because no one has made me feel that way, I assure you.

So...if anyone out there has any support they can give, I could sure use it. Right now I feel all alone. And it's scary.