About Me

I am an insane human being. I have been a wife for 15 plus years, and a mom for almost as long. I had 3 children early on...then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years. Thought our family was complete, so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets. Then we were surprised that our luck changed. Our running total is Parents: 2, Kids: 5, Pets:4. My life is far from perfect, and much of our happiness was hard fought and won, from the death of a parent, job loss and marriage troubles, miscarriage and IF, we have been through it all, and dare I say we made it, with a lot of love and laughter, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

And then there were two

My oldest (but not old) dog passed away over the weekend. It was sudden, and it happened fast. Within 2 hours of her getting sick, and in under 45 minutes of arriving at the emergency animal hospital, she died. We cried ourselves to sleep on the couch together that night. I am in shock, and beyond heartbroken, and just so, so, so sad. My big beautiful gentle giant baby is gone.

She is the second dog in my adult life I have lost. I miscarried and lost my first dog at the same time, so pet loss is especially traumatic for me, as I relive some of the worst times of my life. That is where I have been living the past couple of days.

Rest In Peace, my sweet, beautiful Karma. I love you.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Cobbling

I suppose I should try and cobble together some sort of updates-post type thing to break the silence. That is sort of how my life has felt lately-cobbled together. Smooshing small pieces of one and things together in a haphazard sort of way, all patchwork-like.

Life is good, really good. But also really hard. But as I told my teen yesterday, it is how you handle the hard that matters, and lean on those you love and God. And that is how I have been tying to live. I am not always successful. I could stand to have more calm and perspective in every moment, but I pray hard, and I try!

My teen recently got her first job! I helped her apply, coached her on following up and interviewing, and taking her to set up her own official checking account at the local credit union. I am walking through this with her in hopes that she learns financial responsibility and that just because you have a "magic" plastic card doesn't mean you go swipe-happy. I know I didn't really learn any of these skills at home or in school, and had to learn many things the hard way.

My job is going well. Well, the same as always. It's stable work that I love. Being in health care, there are so many issues that are national problems that all of us in the field can see but that haven't yet been really addressed or fixed by anyone in power to do so yet. All of the bad decisions over the years have led to a trickle down to the bottom, where we are essentially expected to give top notch, high rates care while being understaffed, under-supplied, and most certainly underpaid. Do more, give more, with much, much less. It is not just my hospital, it's everywhere in the US. It is really such a shame, and it is scary. Other countries have proven healthcare systems, I am not sure why the US can't get it right.

I think I mentioned here before that we are switching my 2 middle-schoolers to a different school in the fall. If I ever wondered if I was making the right decision, the school has given me numerous reasons over the past few months to know that I am right to leave. Much of it is political, in which the way they are running things and the decisions they are making. We have been at the school for 11 years now, and it is not the same school we started at. There were always things that could be improved upon, and a couple very poor teachers who just did the bare minimum, but the overall feel of the school is gone. Lots of things this year really fell through the cracks. And parents who were supposed to be in charge of things (think room moms and teacher aides) really dropped the ball and don't do the job they volunteered for, which means kids lost out. I can say that as someone who was highly involved every year in many aspects of the school and committees, from fundraising to room mom, to numerous events. I stepped away this year from doing that because I knew with 2 toddlers I couldn't commit to the time I did last year. I had 2 other moms who signed up to help so it shouldn't have been bad, but they literally didn't help do anything the entire year. The one mom signed up again this year and still has literally done nothing. I don't understand that. Why sign up if you are not going to be bothered?!? For a school we are paying money to attend, there are just too many things that are making me unhappy.

My 12 year old is excited to start the new school. She herself is tired of much of the nonsense going on at this school. For example, there was some issue of vandalism in the middle school bathroom. So the teachers locked the bathroom and said no one could use it until someone confessed. All the girls kept their feminine hygiene products in the bathroom, and were not allowed access because the teachers were too angry to listen. Of course my daughter had her period and needed to get her stuff that day. Dont worry-I took major issue with this. She is excited for all the new opportunities at the new school, and is anxious to be somewhere where the students aren't treated like little children. She has also decided she wants to be an actress and has been practicing her skills making YouTube videos. She would make a great lawyer, though because she likes to argue her case non-stop, and often has some very valid and well thought out points. The latest is that she wants to color her hair, and will be allowed to atbthe new school in the fall, but so far I am not convinced. I feel like that Ian something that can wait until high school.

My 11 year old son just got to go to his first NASCAR race a couple weekends ago. He has become a huge fan and got the tickets for Christmas. He had a ton of fun and has deemed the entire experience "being making my people". He got to stay at the campground overnight with my sister and brother in law, and really lived the atmosphere. His driver didn't win, but he still had an amazing time and we are trying to work out doing this again, though probably not this season. It is expensive and there are no local races so travel is involved. Plus, my sister is the one with a camper, and she lives out of state to begin with.

My smallest babes are good. Toddler Boy has such an explosive and volatile personality that it keeps me on my toes. Baby boy is a climber and in to everything. The dog food dishes and the dishwasher and his favorite things that I have no way to block or lock. We have decided that I will do a home-school nursery school for a bunch of reasons, so I am going to try to implement more structured time, somehow. I'm not good at one management at all. So we will see how that goes. We spend our days reading, playing with lots of different Legos and blocks, climbing and sliding, wrestling with the dogs, and exploring the outdoors and digging in the dirt. I try to do coloring/drawing/painting but Toddler boy will only do that for about 5 minutes before he has had enough, and Baby Boy just like eating and throwing crayons. I spend longer setting up and cleaning up than on the actual project. Toddler boy is a champ at all his puzzles, knows his letters, colors, shapes, and numbers, and can almost totally pedal his bike the correct direction. He is a head strong maniac who dominates all my time. In the best possible way (most of the time!)

With Mother's Day being this weekend, everyone asks me what I want or am going to do. Honestly, the answer is nothing. I would much rather have everyone in my life seem more appreciative Day to day, vs one day of whatever. I often feel overworked and underappreciated, which gets wearisome. I am going to get off work a little early so I can celebrate with my own mother. The following weekend I get to go away briefly overnight to a concert, and although I won't be totally kid-free, this is something that I want to do that I look forward to every year. I am nervous leaving the smaller ones overnight, because nighttime can be difficult if there is night-wakings, but for one night it will be ok. At least that is what I am telling myself!

Our new favorite game to play when it gets dark out is laser-light tag. I stand on the deck and shine the laser into the yard and the dogs and kids try and catch it, chase each other, and play tag with the dogs. It's freaking hilarious!


So that's life right now. The laundry and the dishes are endless. The job feels often thankless. The remotes and cordless phones are always missing, along with my sanity most days. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, so I try to live one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, trying to focus on the little things.