About Me

Decent wife. Good Enough Mom. (I think, but you’d have to ask my kids.) Sporadic blogger. Crazy person. Chaos Manager. Finder of stray socks and missing shoes. Loves to cook, wishes it wasn’t demanded of her daily. Runs on caffeine.

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

20 years

 

It’s amazing how fast 20 years goes by. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t he and I. From being poor newlyweds with our first baby at 22, to secondary infertility, to the loss of grandparents and parents, to job losses, anxiety/depression, tearing down and rebuilding our marriage to the fortress it is now, to infertility and loss again, to celebrating 20 years on July 7th, we have experienced so much together and more importantly, survived and became stronger than ever, together. It literally felt like we walked through fire together at certain points.

I am so proud of how far we have come, and all we’ve learned, and how close we are. Years ago we did a book called The Love Dare and we still use everything we learned to this day. The first chapter is literally “Be Kind”. It’s amazing how it’s the simplest thing but sometimes so hard to remember. We have been living on the principle of being kind, and talk about it everyday with our kids, especially during these crazy times where a smidge of kindness goes a long way. If you start by being kind, things don’t have to become a fight, and rarely do. We still have times where we but heads, but we usually can get through that in a matter of minutes.

This man, he’s the greatest. He even listened and let me cry on our anniversary when my period showed up, and I told him I had been having a recurring baby dream of twins, and in my dreams that helped fill all the baby-shaped holes in my heart. We aren’t even ttc or anything and I’m definitely sub-fertile. I cried that I wished this feeling would leave me, that I don’t know why I can’t let it go. And he said so gently “maybe that’s just who you are.” And I have never felt so safe  or so comforted, or so understood ever in my life. And trust me, he doesn’t really want more kids, but he doesn’t hold it against me from feeling so differently.

Holding on for dear life because this time goes so fast. 2020 has definitely upset the balance in the force, and nothing feels certain anymore. So damn thankful I have such a strong partner to share this life with.

Photo cred: our amazing second daughter, nearly 16. She wants to be a professional photographer and got a new top of the line camera system for her bday. This was shot in her iPhone 7 during an impromptu photo shoot last Friday for my husband’s bday.❤️💜




Monday, August 17, 2020

Pandemic Juxtaposition

 He was our doctor, our co-worker, our comrade, our friend. Such a gentle, compassionate soul, tirelessly leading our Covid units through the madness and uncertainty from the beginning of all this craziness when so much was still unknown. Working in these conditions, all the while knowing he had an autoimmune disease and damaged lungs that would make it extremely hard for him to fight off the virus if he should contract it.

We cared for him for a month...watching Covid weaken him more and more each day. Holding his hand, rubbing his hair, speaking as softly to him as all the PPE allows. Being extra gentle, taking those extra minutes to keep him as comfortable as possible. We do this, of course, for all of our patients, but this time it felt different. Personal.

When it was his time everyone was called in. His husband discarded all of his PPE and held him. We all laid hands on him, praying, coaxing him, letting him know he was loved and safe, helping him return home to The Lord.

*************************************************

Driving home last night, head and heart still heavy from the events of the past couple weeks, traffic started to slow down. From my position I could see a large SUV pulled over on the left shoulder, and then I notice the problem, a dog laying under the car. It looked like his owner was trying to coax him out, but we were on the side of a major roadway...what in the world?? I pulled over and jumped out, asking if it was his dog. Turns out, he stopped because he saw a dog in the road and when he pulled over the dog crawled under his car. She was obviously hurt in some way. Quite quickly there were several people all trying to help, and some angel wearing a Philly Flyers shirt pulled over; he owned a farm and helped rescue dogs, so he grabbed an extra leash and helped us get her out. She was a beautiful golden retriever/German Shepherd mix, with a Shepherd face and coloring on her back, and retriever ears and fluffy fur. We helped to keep her calm and still. There were about 6 police officers that all were  stopped with us, several of us calling Emergency Vets because we didn’t know what would happen. Animal control was called to help. None of us were willing to let her go unless we knew she would get emergent care. Once I realized she was not going to bite, I sat there in the road with her, her leaning on me, petting her. She let me check her out. If you have never owned or knew a GSD, they are so very human like with their eyes and emotions, and they are so very smart. She knew we were helping her, so she didn’t snap or growl or bite, just looked up with those human-like eyes, so trusting. At one point the lead Sergeant said “I would tell you guys you can all go and we will stay with her, but I see you are all invested.” I looked up at her incredulously and said “It’s  a DOG” hahaha. Occasionally I would lower my mask so the dog could see my whole face. She wanted to lay down more, but you could tell it hurt her. From what we could see, she had a small cut on her eye and the top of her head, it looked like she may have bit her tongue, one of the front paw nails was bleeding, and she obviously had a hurt back leg. At one point we realized we had her blood on our hands, but everyone just shrugged and said it was just dog blood and no one worried. Finally animal control came. They had a little doggy stretcher that we helped her get settled on and carry to the van, once we were assured that she was going to a local Emergency hospital, one I know and have used so I felt better about that knowing she was about to get help. One lady gave her her own jacket we had Been using as a blanket/pillow, thinking the smell of those that helped her would help calm her on the ride. Several people took live videos and pictures and put them on Facebook, hoping to find her owner, as her tags were missing on her collar. I’m hoping she is microchipped. I’m going to check the shelter in the days and weeks ahead to see if she comes up for adoption. I don’t even know the names of any of those kind humans I spent the majority of my evening with. As I left the scene, I thanked everyone for helping and working together.

As I drove away I cried. Everything from the last few weeks came crashing down. Sometimes all the medical advances in the world can’t save a human, but a few people can come together and save a dog.

Sometimes, it’s all you can do.

Friday, May 29, 2020

Wanting something I never thought I wanted

As a little girl growing up, I never dreamed of a wedding or of being married and having a family. I guess I just assumed I would? but I never had all those kinds of fantasies. It wasn’t that I had a bad experience...I grew up in a stable two parent Brady bunch type family. I loved kids and babies...I was always the one who wanted to hold any new baby I saw. I started babysitting early, and had tons of experience with children of all ages.

I never imagined having my own child, though. Not really ever. And then once in highschool it was definitely the thing you did not want to end up having. I can remember that some girls talked about wanting to have a baby right after graduation, and I remember thinking it was nuts. I thought it was nuts when we saw teenage girls we knew pregnant, and then all around town toting a baby in a stroller. I couldn’t even picture my life like that. I tried to imagine once what it would be like if I got pregnant, and man...it just didn’t even seem like the thing to do, maybe ever. I remember when the first of our small circle of girls from my highschool got married right after we graduated and had a baby right away...when we met at one friends house all dressed to go out one night, the girl who had the baby stopped by to see us and we all sat in a circle around her with the baby in the middle of the floor. She was about 6 months old at the time. We all stayed at her like she was an alien, and ooohed and ahhhed over her for a few minutes and then we had nothing to talk about, and sort of rolled out and left her with the baby, because as Resse Witherspoon said “You can’t bring a baby to a BAR”...lol

I remember another time in highschool during some complete joke of a life skills class (even we could tell back then how much of a joke it really was) we had to plan a wedding, so the vision board and everything. I remember all these girls getting so into it, and I was so...not. I remember making up a small portion of it and otherwise creating a very hippie wedding held in the mountains on my older brothers property (that part is true, this place does exist and my brother does live there) and spending like $2K... HA. The hippie part still tracks today, fyi.

So yeah. Never on my radar, these motherly things. When it came to my own wedding, after trying in several different styles of a wedding, we eloped to Reno, NV at Silver Bells wedding chapel. I still don’t regret it. And I’ve seen friends and coworkers plan these crazy weddings and it’s all so much...so I’ve always joking told my girls they should just elope one day. But in all seriousness, I highly recommend it, and it doesn’t have to be a secret...we told everyone in advance. (Don’t worry, we had a teeny tiny (not an exaggeration) Church ceremony in the chapel a couple years later to appease my dad, but we wanted to anyway, that was always the plan.)

But I had the instinct, I always have. I was a nanny for my sister all
through middle and highschool.  I took care of them when there was one, then 2, then 3, and then one day all four of them. And I loved them and treated them like they were my own kids. (I still do.) My niece, the second oldest, is the most like me and the one who I understand because she’s so misunderstood just like I am. She’s now almost 27, and going to be married this year (hopefully everything can happen as tentatively planned but I’ve offered to get a certification and marry them if it comes down to it)

She was able to drive to her parents state where the wedding will be to do wedding planning stuff. Today they Said Yes to a Dress and sampled all the food. She (and my sister) we’re sending me pictures throughout the day, and the first one that popped up was the one of my beautiful niece in THE dress...and I cried so many tears. I am so happy for her. I can’t believe my baby niece is going to be a wife soon...and it made me so wistful. And then the pictures of the food and the people during the tasting...first, I was WAY jealous because catering food always looks SO amazing with surprises in the flavors and textures...but what really got me was imagining them all sitting there together at the table, and how my goofball brother in law would be telling corny dad jokes and “critiquing” the food like some sort of food network expert, and I could picture the dumb faces he was making and I could hear the laughter of everyone and all the silly loving barbs going back and forth.

And I realize that I want that with my kids. That I want them help to plan a ceremony to join them together with the love of their life, their soul pate, their forever person. I thought about cool it would be, knowing the kind of crazy family we are and how we laugh and joke together, how that would be so much fun to do. And I surprised myself by telling everyone as I showed them pictures how I would be down with planning a wedding, a small intimate one, not some crazy 300 person waste of money party.

And I realized how I’ve always been so preoccupied with wanting another baby and grieving my lost babies and trying for more babies...how I have these babies here that aren’t babies. I’m being dramatic here, of course I notice they are growing older and up. But I guess through this pandemic where time has seemingly stood still, I’ve been able to breathe in and take a look around me, and really study hard, like a sculptor would, at the beings in front of me. To memorize every part of them, to freeze their voices in time in my mind. To freeze their faces exactly as they are today, to burn and etch them into my memory. And it’s also reminding me to be present, all the time. To not miss a beat, a single drop in tone of voice, to all of it. To check in even more (so, like all the time) because this is a challenging time for them to, mentally, physically, emotionally. Only they don’t always know where to put it or how to handle it. Neither to most of us, right?

So back to that food tasting? I really hope I get lucky enough to sit around a table sampling food and making jokes with my kids one day.

Monday, May 25, 2020

MicroBlog Monday’s: I’m alive

Hi Friends. I’m alive. I think somewhere along the line I have gone into survival mode. I still read your blogs, even though I’ve been quiet...most days I don’t have the mental energy left to write anything meaningful , although thank you to all who have been writing, because your words have all touched me or helped me in some way.

Working as a first line frontline healthcare worked has been...crazy. Exhausting, mentally more than physically. Watching family members and friends having to drop their sick ones off at the door is gut-wrenching to witness. It’s all so sad and scary. Before this had all started I extended my days/work hours, and I wish I had waited. It’s SO hard right now. And then coming home and trying to be all the things to everyone in my household, and keep us stocked and fed, and entertained, and also trying to teach?! Whoa.

Real life is so different...every aspect is stressful. It’s very hard to find enough peace and quiet to de-stress. I’ve ended up staying up til all hours of the morning and then being tired the next day and it’s a whole cycle.

One amazing thing to come out of all this time together is that my husband and I have never had a stronger, better relationship than we do now. Super fitting for our 20th anniversary coming up and our 21st year together. He has truly been my anchor the past few months. I’m just so very thankful for him and our marriage. Because we’ve definitely had our share of hard years.

I’m going to end this here for now. Picture post to come soonish about things we’ve been up to. I hope you are all well and staying as sane as possible and are finding ways to take care of yourselves. Please remember we are all doing the best we can here. Whatever you are doing...just know it’s enough. Stay safe. Wishing you all peace. Until next time.


Wednesday, March 25, 2020

The big bad C word used to be Cunt.

This is a speech-to-text style spoken diary edition. It is poorly edited, and long, so I hope all your out there are pretty good at deciphering through speech to text. This is probably as inside my head as you'll ever get. This documents the first full week of the pandemic, but does jump around to just before all hell broke lose as needed for story telling purposes.

So it’s been exactly one week into a pandemic of the coronavirus or Covid 19 as we call it in healthcare, at least for me since I was working the very first weekend that everything sort of started so I wasn’t cooped up with my kids until a week ago Monday. And I shouldn’t say cooped up except for the first day Monday which of course was a nice day out but we had three people in the yard so we couldn’t let dogs nor kids out to play which was sort of crazy and away because we had a lot more I’ll try to kiss and I wanna everybody was sort of cranky And done with things by the end of that day. I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday as a sort of plan together but I decided to throw myself into something and start baking from a book called bread baking for beginners.

But before I get too far in the last week let me go back in entire week from that the week before the pandemic really started in school started closing. Before that I had largely ignored all of the talk of the coronavirus and the pandemic like I avoided the news I didn’t talk about it I didn’t learn much about it and I didn’t think much about it mainly because of my anxiety I didn’t need something else to get ramped up on but also I tend not to jump on the bandwagon when people start first posting things and sharing through Facebook it’s sort of drives me nuts. Anyway around the same time the Sunday Monday time frame of a week before the pandemic or the week of the ramp up of the pit is my son my son who is 14 and growing by the second was complaining that there wasn’t any good food and snacks to eat since especially on the weekends he likes to stay up late and eat it all random hours and he likes to make things that are hot and not just eat you know crap out of the cabinet so I have literally made a $600 Walmart pick up order with like every snack imaginable they make it really easy with the click click click to check off the boxes of stuff you might need our stuff in the same area so I was already stocked up I set my teenager the next day on Monday to pick it up I believe it was Monday evening and they filled up her entire car with groceries and she was like oh my God mom what did you do she called me yelling at me it was really really funny. So we were already really stocked and then all of a sudden Tuesday Wednesday Thursday came school started closing things went crazy in three hours I had like 36 emails from all the various schools and teachers and organizations were part of with all the cancellations and people started going crazy at the stores luckily I had most of what I needed so we were good there and I went to work on the weekend just prepping for the upcoming pandemic laughing about the fact that I did a grocery order when I had no idea I was gonna need one.

Back to last week and days two and three and four of the kids being home from school I pulled out my bread book for beginners and decided on the Monday after the first day home that I was going to do a sour bread sourdough bread starter well it’s the master recipe of a print book for beginners book that the office is Jenna Fischer has recommended and document it on her Instagram how she started from page 1 of the book all the way through because you build on techniques and recipes and stuff like that as you go in the book and my dumbass opens to the master sourdough recipe and probably start it which I was supposed to be starting sourdough bread tonight which is next Monday night however that’s not happening. On Tuesday I finally managed to get sourdough starter started I also this week and like I said it all runs together made a Challah bread it’s my first ever bread I’ve ever attempted and of course apparently I inadvertently picked up bread that was an enriched dough which is supposedly harder to make. It came out pretty good and nobody in my household has had Challah bread before so we googled what we it was supposed to taste like and it matched what my middle daughter said it tasted like so that was a win. I also did some special adult baking...

By Thursday I realized I probably needed to get out of the house for a couple hours so I found a couple little errands to run that kept me away from the public. I dropped off some homemade treats to friends and hung out a little bit. I’m glad I did that because after being at work for only a short time this weekend I realized that I couldn’t have gone from being kind of home all day long baking in my own little world with my kids and family to the real world of what was actually going on around me.

Friday night we all just kind of hung out here it was super warm so we played outside lake all day long I even broke the rules on Mondays play inside of the one van that has all the seats tucked in to the floor it’s the older van it’s inside is real dirty so it’s not like they’ll Hurt much. Course of course I’m washing them very carefully. Well aware that my son is for those how to start one of the vans by putting in the key and turning the ignition. Which she did right in front of me with me standing right next to him. So yes I watch my kids super super carefully because I know what they are capable of.

All week long I had kept checking my work email for updates on what was going on. If you think you were confused about what was going on by just being a regular average citizen with a regular normal job then we had healthcare were like five times as confused because even though we had some inside information the situation was so fluid by the time orders from the top trickle down things were already changing. So I knew it walking into work on Saturday was going to be a big crapshoot I had no idea what to expect or who was going to be there. I have been texting on and off with my supervisor all week about the situation And was making sure I stayed in her thoughts because they tend to forget about us on the weekend. I kind of demanded what I thought we might need and reminded her to take things seriously especially when she was trying to cut hours on the weekend at first right before all this blew up and I demanded that we needed the help in a certain time and that I didn’t agree with what she was doing and she shouldn’t do it I speak up to her all the time and we butt heads a lot we don’t really get along we’re not the same people I haven’t trusted her since the first time I met her at work my very first impression will be the one that always sticks with me and make sure I keep I keep her in a certain distance and no her game but I’m also not afraid to call her out on her stuff. So I managed to make it to work about 15 minutes early Saturday morning which was great because I was really kind of dreading going in the first place I wish I could just be like a regular ordinary person I got to stay home all weekend with the kids I know grass is always greener but it just felt like I shouldn’t be there they goodness I had my good eye crew with me and during breakfast one of our other girls called to talk and we’ve all been keeping in touch.
anyway work at a hospital in the middle of a pandemic is interesting it’s something I can’t say I’ve ever done before really. I mean I used to work in trauma so if there was like some big accident or something locally we would be the first people to get it so we were kind of on the not the front lines but definitely like the second lions. Space but this feels totally different there’s a lot more chaos than I ever anticipated I always assumed that something like that There was a cop or something like this like the world health organization or the state and local governments has some sort of like master disaster plan for something like this cause that’s sort of what it is it’s a mass crisis like where is all the protocols why is everything so insane crazy and nobody knows anything other countries I’ve been dealing with this for weeks now why are we following with air doing it’s also confusing. Crazier to think that like my mom who is in her small early 70s has never seen anything like this like in almost 3/4 of a century nobody has seen anything like this it’s just unbelievable the phrase I keep using to describe this is these are weird times and they really really are so throughout work on Saturday it was a little nuts. Lots of sweet passages you Jean but then lots of periods of time in between patients was this year he sort of silence because the visitor policy is locked down you can’t even take a Doula or any support staff with you and do the labor room to have your baby you can have like the baby daddy or a support partner of yours and that’s it I’ve heard the doors are using FaceTime to help their patients through labor which is wonderful but horrible at the same time so throughout the day I started noticing things that were bothering me about the way we were running things with the way things were going and I saw quickly some improvements that can be made. But I’m just a tech knowledge so I don’t have a say I’m not a supervisor officially or a paid supervisor so I do not make the decisions so lo and behold I did talk to a couple of managers that day which was nice that they were calling to check on us but what really surprised me was the text I got at about 845 Saturday night after I’ve been home for like maybe an hour to my boss immediately above me I guess my supervisor who asked me how the day went and I had been relaxing and I had taken my relaxation medicine andI ended up texting her but I thought that needed to be made and she asked me to put it in an email and then so I did on Sunday morning and when she got the email I asked her what she thought because my other boss her said they totally agreed with me and this particular supervisor told me that my email was “extremely opinionated just as I suspected it would be “ . So I had to laugh at that but I have my other managers agree with me made me feel really good. So that brings us to Sunday which was another crazy chaotic day with more of the same. The busyness and flurry at one time and then the long laws of Erie quiet both days I felt my anxiety building during those walls I don’t know why. Sunday night when I finally got home I made a huge list of reminders for today Monday. One I knew was to my doctors because not only was I do up in a few days for a refill of my one anxiety medicine but I knew I was starting to have more issues with anxiety cropping up over all of this.

I’m going to be honest about something else. I have five kids and all of them are home except for the oldest who is in an out because she works but three of them are school-age. And I really haven’t enforced any schoolwork really over the past week. For one there was so much going on every single day so much changing so fast so much stuff with my work and my husband’s work and the kids and groceries and just craziness and just trying to keep all these people under one roof with not a lot to do. Well not a lot to do with the dramatic and very overstated I guess what I mean is to have everybody all the sudden halt all of their activities and everything going on and have those entire schedule basically disrupted. We allowed some later night boys and some lazier mornings for everybody and in general it’s not been too terrible. I mean I’ve kind of set the bar really low for myself during all of this especially considering my anxiety is up. I really need to pick and choose my battles and not try to be a super mom. A good enough mom is good enough for me. At least right now. Faking it till I make it we’re all just trying the best we can however that is. I included my kids and crafts and baking and I went on an Amazon shopping spree for a bunch of inexpensive do you were different crafts and puzzles that we haven’t used or tried for all of us thank goodness for Jeff Bezos what a smart smart rich rich man. Of course my husband is much more patient and has a different way with the kids so he was able to get some schoolwork done over the weekend while I was working. I was also jealous they got to go to the reservoir and throw rocks but he took them to a different spot and I know which is cool because then I have a spot that I take them special and he has a spot that he takes them I’m hoping we get a good day this week that I can take them because it’s really good for all of us. And I told my husband I might not have done traditional schooling with the kids but we did a lot of different things my middle daughter has been doing baking and experimenting because she had just started foods class at school which was like basically cooking class.Of course my husband is much more patient and has a different way with the kids so he was able to get some schoolwork done over the weekend while I was working. I was also jealous they got to go to the reservoir and throw rocks but he took him to a different spot than I know which is cool because then I have a spot that I take them special and he has a spot that he did some I’m hoping we get a good day this week that I can take them because it’s really good are all of us. And I told my husband I might not have done traditional schooling with the kids but we did a lot of different things my middle daughter has been doing baking and experimenting because she had just started a Foos class at school which was like basically cooking class. 14-year-old son is getting a lesson in humanitarian arts because on Tuesday Wednesday I don’t know I can’t remember now but one day last week I had to go and check on all of the neighbors and the people that we knew and just see if they needed anything and chat with people and we spent a couple evenings that were nice last week chatting with neighbors from my driveways and letting the kids sort of play near each other I’m just discussing what we thought and what was next.

By Sunday night though I was thoroughly stressed out. I was so sick of hearing all about the coronavirus I was scaring about press conferences I was sick of hearing about closures and just all of it being at the hospital all those hours this weekend just in the chaos really stressed me out. I kept saying that I think once the system is in place and everybody is doing the same thing and all the units are doing the same thing that it’ll be easier even though will probably have a lot more patience and the load will be heavier just because it will be more of an organized chaos versus just mad chaos.I was thoroughly stressed out. I was so sick of hearing all about the coronavirus I was scaring about press conferences I was sick of hearing about closures and just all of it being at the hospital all those hours this weekend just in the chaos really stressed me out. I kept saying that I think once a system is in place and everybody is doing the same thing and all the units are doing the same thing that it’ll be easier even though will probably have a lot more patience and the load will be heavier just because it will be more of an organized chaos versus just mad chaos

Monday morning I got to sleep in just a smidge which was great I was able to not get anything done because my boys were crazy funny enough my husband said they were great all weekend and he had a feeling my four-year-old was going to be hell on wheels the next day because he had to really really good days in a row and he started to really show his stubborn personality lately. So they were wild and it was really super crazy around here. I did get to convince my six-year-old to do a “science experiment “ Putting some yeast in warm water and the sugar and the song I am in the flower and we mix everything together and made like a ball of dough and then we did the rising to risings and then he got to play with it it was an adult I mean it was edible but it was an edible and he didn’t like the dog color he wanted food coloring so fun mommy lets him put food coloring all over the Dow and he played with it. We also got big canvases out and made big plates of paint and rainbow fashion and let the kids just paint anything they wanted I think I still have some handprints in my bathroom don’t worry it’s all washable. We also looked at toys on Amazon not toys like you’re going to get toys like puzzles and things like that and I showed him some things that I picked up. I ordered some cool new stuff that I’m excited about I’ve been therapeutic shopping I don’t know if I mentioned that earlier I probably did but I have lots of Amazon packages I’ve gotten several new shirts I’m going to try to post pictures of everything before I in this post so there’s lots to look at.

So I was able to get a few phone calls made And I have a an appointment scheduled for 315 with my doctor it was a virtual will call through the website that you use. So that was interesting I jump in the shower about 15 minutes before my phone call was supposed to start hurried up and got dressed tried to take a couple sexy pictures for my husband (so that’s a post for another time but needless to say our intimacy and sex has been off the charts lately so I do stuff like this for him now because it’s for both of us, really.!!)

During my virtual chat with my doctor it was cool it was basically FaceTime. I keep asking people I know if they’ve tried it and nobody has but I highly recommend it. I was honest with her and I support her how I was struggling with the anxiety over the weekend and I talk to her about a lot of reasons. I actually apologized to her for using her like my therapist explained that I understood she wasn’t my therapist but That I really appreciated her listening. So she upped my dose of medicine by 10 mg and I’m going to check in with her in a few weeks. It wasn’t all bad stressful stuff though I did tell her a lot of good things and how good I was feeling right up until like this pandemic started like a week and a half ago. But I also told her that feeling better myself and wanting to talk more has helped me talk to my family more so one of the things my extended family with my sister and all of her kids and my sister side of the family have done is make a Family Quarantine Chat send information because We are all in different areas and we’re trying to keep each other in check and check on people. I also went through my phone and started texting people that I’ve owed a text to and I haven’t talk to you in a while and checked on them. And it’s opened up some new conversations I am really just reminded everybody that we’re all in this together we’re not alone. And it’s really been great to be closer to my family and like talk to my sister every day again we used to talk every day for years and years and years. So Monday tonight marks a week of being in a sort of hibernation. Lockdown doesn’t sound right because we’re not like forced to stay in doors and we have quite a bit of freedom considering. My coworker friend and I decided since we’ve been around each other we may as well try to meet up and go to the store so tomorrow Tuesday morning we are meeting up we are going to do a Trader Joe’s quick Sleep through the store and he’ll be out in 20 to 30 minutes and then go around the corner to the Costco and see what we can get there for our families and parents. And then be done and not go out again.
My middle daughter and I are watching the show Zoe‘s extraordinary playlist. It comes on NBC and it’s an amazing show. We watch it together it records on Sunday nights so we were able to watch it tonight.
Another really great thing is that my nephew who is like 28 years old and completely crazy in the best way possible takes these mental health check in videos he post them to Facebook and YouTube if you’re curious I think his YouTube is Mr. JT slide MRJSlide.. he’s really goofy but these mental health check and videos are priceless. They crack me up I’ve shared them with my friends and coworkers it’s just one of the best things. What we’ve decided is that we just need to laugh through it and support each other through it and pray or meditate or exam good vibes out or whatever your thing is just do it. For goodness sake stay inside and listen to your authorities because we all matter and we need to get through this together.

Going to leave you one last thought. It’s about hugs. It’s been a topic of conversation lately between my husband and I and I’ve included some of my kids too. But I come from an affectionate family and we hug and kiss and I don’t know probably way longer than it’s appropriate but I am we’re Italian and that’s what we do and even my mom side of the family everybody’s very huggy and what not and she’s an Irish might mix so yes I am Sicilian and Irish. Anyway my coworkers and I are all very close and we also affection and we all hug and I have a work husband and I take care of all the guys and I hug people male and female whatever we hug. But I come from an affectionate family we hug and kiss and I’m in a probably way longer than it’s appropriate but I am we’re Italian and that’s what we do and even my mom side of the family everybody’s very huggy and what not and she’s an Irish might mix so yes I am Sicilian and Irish. Anyway my coworkers and I are all very close and we also affection and we all hug and I have a work husband I took care of all the guys and I hope people male-female whatever we hug. And ever since I can remember I have always love getting hugs like big strong bear hug and when I got older I started liking when you hug somebody so tight and you pressure whole body into them and they just envelop you in the hug. I don’t know it just always made me feel so safe and protected. So that’s the way I have people now and I always get a good reaction from people and I hold a hug for a few extra seconds I’m really just squeeze the other person and kind of transfer the luck. This may sound crazy probably is but this is how I think. And my husband is a foot and a half taller than me and so hugging me like that isn’t super possible and in general he is not as much of an affectionate person as I am and I have to kind of nuts him to remind him to give you know our kids like really good hugs showed him with my daughter as my middle daughter and Hunter and showed him how to give a really good hug. And I have a few coworkers are dummy that my hug is the best part of their day. Not in a sexual way but just in a feel good way. And there’s tons of science around you no touch in the kangaroo and we all know that we know the benefits of it. But here’s my proof.

Today Monday, 23 March my boys were being exceptionally crazy and by 1115 1130 I realized that my four-year-old was seeming like he needed a nap just overly whiny cranky couldn’t get him to do any one thing a lot of like pouting from him a lot of tears when he would start playing for lots of nonsense. He had been snacking all morning so I know and he ate a good breakfast so I know he was most likely just tired because yes we’ve also been frantically checking everybody’s fevers at home do you know most of us have been quarantined at home for a week now. By about 1215 1230 when I decided I was going to start making lunch I realize he was just falling apart way too much so I got my middle daughter to come down and hang out with six-year-old and I took my little four-year-old upstairs and he kept crying that he followed me up the steps but he kept crying that he didn’t want to sleep and I said we were just going to cuddle we’re just gonna cut or just gonna cut a little bit and sure enough after he let me pick him up and lay down with him in the bed which is getting hard to do because he’s kind of thick is he calm down his breathing changed he settle down and me he held my hand He never truly fell asleep but his whole physiology changed. Same with my oldest she’s 19 but she had a hard day last week a whole lot of things just came crashing down one day and she just was a mess my middle daughter saw her run to the basement to her room and said what is wrong with her and I said I know what she needs and I went and laid down and I cuddled with her and she fell asleep on my arm and she was breathing exactly the way she did when she was a baby and she would fall asleep with her leg she expressed together in our lips open he never truly fell asleep but his whole physiology changed. Same with my oldest she’s 19 but she had a hard day last week a whole Lotta things just came crashing down one day and she just was a mess my middle daughter saw her run to the basement to her room and said what is wrong with her and I said I know what she needs and I went and laid down and I cuddled with her and she fell asleep on my arm and she was breathing exactly the way she did when she was a baby and she would fall asleep with her leg she expressed together and her lips open. But her whole physiology changed too.

So my point is hug the people you love hug them very tight look out for one another right now like Alan says behind there’s an end to this I don’t know what it is yet but there is an end. Let’s just see what tomorrow brings.


And now, for pictures...



                                                               my witches brew butter

                                                                        little helper.
                                             special apocalypse cookies before and after


                                           funny things from amazon that keep me laughing

                                              my ridiculous nephew and his crazy videos


                                 my moms banana cake recipe i made with lots of ripe bananas
                                                Day 1 of my very first sourdough starter
                      My first Enriched bread. Challah Bread. Actually, my first bread ever.

                  a sneak peak of my new tattoo, a work of love. story and unedited pic to come.
                                my sister's amazing breakfast she shared on our family chat.
                                                   someone else makng corned beef,

                                        my nephew's survival tex-mex dinner. not a joke. lol

                   a couple funny memes that have come through my family chat this week.


                                                          falling gas prices in the US
                                                    trying to fall asleep one night.
                                                             more amazon shenanigans
                 the first baked Foccoccia attempt. good but adjustments being made for next try.
                                                              local stores wiped out
                            a makeshift menu so as not to waste leftovers and utilize frozen foods,
                                one of my Apocalypse PB cookies I shared with some friends.
                                   my first try at Foccoccia since my Dad has been gone.




Monday, March 9, 2020

PCOS

My oldest daughter, who is 19, has been having cycle issues for a while now. What started as a short cycle recently has turned into weeks of bleeding, even through a round of Progesterone. She had recently lost some weight and started running again, which always messes up her cycle, but it’s usually amenorrhea, not excessive bleeding. She’s having hot flashes and cries a lot and is just feeling pretty crappy in general.

Blood testing resulted in the PCOS diagnosis. We have an appointment scheduled with a GYN but it’s a month away. I don’t know if I should look into an endocrinologist or RE for her yet or what. I don’t know really what to do for her. We had a long talk last night before knowing this diagnosis so I’m hoping that is helping her today, as she got the news while at work.

My heart breaks for her, knowing how this is going to be a lifelong thing she has to deal with. Knowing how hard it could make it for her to have kids one day. They sure don’t give you any tips is parenting books about this...I wish there was a manual. I’m trying to hide my worry from her so that she doesn’t get too upset or worry. I told her when she gets home we will talk about it. But man, guys, this is hard. I know what IF and miscarriage did to me and so many of my friends and all of you out there. Thinking my kid might have to know the same pain just kills me.

If anyone who has pcos, especially if you were diagnosed pretty young, or lease leave me some advice on how to help her and things that helped you manage it or get through it. I’ll take all the help I can get right now.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

weighing my options

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve just been taking time to heal myself. I am in a really good place...the meds are all working as they should and my anxiety is mostly under control. My moods are stabilized, my relationship with my kids has greatly improved. My marriage had reaped the benefits and we are in a really good place, too. Spending lots of quality time together, going in pretty regular date nights, and just sort of rediscovering each other in a new way as we get ready to celebrate our 20 years of marriage this summer. And I’ve managed to drop 30lbs, thanks to anxiety, but I’ll take it.

What has been in my mind a lot lately, though, is that every time I get to a good place, it all falls apart. Currently I’m taking several medications that are not conducive to pregnancy, and would really affect me in a negative way if I had to suddenly go off of them. Which has made me think really hard about the need to do something to prevent any chance of that happening. My cycles are wonky and unpredictable; I don’t think I’m ovulating quite as regularly anymore, and a lot of the signs of ovulation I don’t get consistently enough to be able to time anything. Plus, who wants to do that?!

I am frustrated that most choices for women are hormonal or otherwise invasive. I don’t mind condoms at all but my husband has a big problem with it. And yeah, I can understand that because after 20 years who really wants to start using condoms. I mean, really. So I started looking into getting a tubal ligation. But that is major surgery. And a big risk factor is that I have had 7 abdominal surgeries previously which could lead to complications during and after the procedure. I know a vasectomy is a much easier and less invasive procedure but honestly I don’t want to put my husband through that, even though he is willing. I would rather take on the operation myself before having him do that.

And then there is the whole emotional aspect of it. If I go through with that, everything would be final final. No going back. It sounds so silly because of my age and history, but I can’t help but feel like I might regret it, or come out being upset and mentally and emotionally affected by it in a negative way. It feels like a totally different thing vs letting nature run its course. And of course it seems silly given my history that I would even worry about accidentally getting pregnant right now...but whenever my life feels settled something always happens to throw a wrench into it, and I wouldn’t put it past the universe to throw me that curve ball right now.

If I decide to have the procedure, it wouldn’t be until the summer. So for now I am just taking some time to think on this. To listen to my head and my heart, and to come to a decision I know I can live with.