About Me

Decent wife. Good Enough Mom. (I think, but you’d have to ask my kids.) Sporadic blogger. Crazy person. Chaos Manager. Finder of stray socks and missing shoes. Loves to cook, wishes it wasn’t demanded of her daily. Runs on caffeine.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Busy, busy update

Life is just moving at warp speed, so here’s an update in bullets!!

•Working on several house projects. Just got the attic finished (one side was already done when we moved in) and we got the extra room in the basement cleared out and everything put in the attic. Next up is to clean the room and paint, and makeshift an open space into a closet. We are going tonight to pick out the paint and closet stuff. Undecided on flooring, but may just use throw rugs for the time being. Next up is the garage...getting a bigger outdoor fridge and need to make some room, get rid of stuff, re-organize some of the shelves.

•Discovered our dishwasher broke after during the load we were running Monday night. We lived 5 years in a home without one, but it’s a real pain to not have one now. We keep a home warranty, so they have been out, found the problem, and we are waiting to see if they are going to order the parts or replace the unit. Either way we are looking at a couple weeks without one, so it’s back to paper plates we go. And I need to get out the bleach because it’s the height of flu season here.

•I have a meeting in a couple hours with my teen’s advisor to go over her senior year schedule, which feels crazy. When she started high school I was very pregnant with baby boy...so much bittersweet here. Hoping we can get her a few fun classes to end her year with, since she is entering the Navy right after graduation.

•We are also going prom dress shopping tonight. This is new for me because I wasn’t into it and never went to my prom (zero regrets, it’s not my jam) and I don’t do dress up at all. I also have zero clue where to shop and am floored by the prices people pay for a freaking prom dress. There is a local bridal shop that does prom stuff and you can book an appointment for a stylist to help you, so that’s what we are doing. They also had some stuff that was more modest (Plunging necklines and thigh-high skits on prom dresses?? Plus this new 2-piece crop top variety? Last time I checked these were still high schoolers...just UGH. That’s a whole separate post. But this place also had some more reasonably priced dresses, sonwe will see.

•It’s hard to be a mom of girlie-girls when you are not girlie yourself. I didn’t (and still don’t) but into the conventional need to be girlie and get a dress and worry about a date and go to prom and do All the high school things. I wasn’t typical and still am not. I didn’t have a wedding I eloped and I don’t regret it. I don’t need/want jewelry (the real, fancy kind) I don’t chase my kids at the playground wearing tight jeans and those little heeled bootie shoes. I’m much more dark and cynical that all roses and sunshine. I’m a nice person, but I guess I’m very edgy. Prickly.

•Baby boy earned himself a crib tent to keep him contained and his zip-up pjs put on backwards. He pulls his junk out of his pull-up and pees all over himself otherwise. Wish it was a phase, but it’s been months of this. Playing with his junk is like his comfort thing, and proving impossible to break him of. (He does it in his sleep!!) We have tried everything. Switching out of a diaper to pull-ups worked briefly and can sometime still help contain the leakage, onesies worked until he found a work-around, and then the zip-up one piece pjs worked until recently. He isn’t quite ready to potty train, he doesn’t get it just yet. Before it got super cold we were leaving him in a pull-up all day because he was wetting so many clothes. Regarding the crib jumping, he will be moved to a toddler bed as soon as we get the other kids shifted around and have a space for him. So we are just doing our best to contain him, and his junk.

•One of my dogs has a nasty ear infection. She is more prone to them, but by the time I noticed it was already super bad so off to the vet we went. She is on 4 different medicines, including medicated ear was, oral and ear drop antibiotics, and an antihistamine. It’s getting better, but I will still be cleaning it and doing drop for several more days.

•I just ordered a box full of new board games so we can start doing family game nights again. We have a ton of games already, but we needed something new. We got out of playing for a while because some of the older kids weren’t as in to it, but now Toddler boy has actually started wanting to sit and play games, so that’s been more fun. We played Hearing Things (thanks to watching Ellen’s Game of Games) and it was a freaking RIOT. SO MUCH LAUGHTER!!

•Planning a few fun summer “trips” and also looking at taking the girls back to NYC this winter. Trying to see if financially I can make it work out. The last time we all went and drove and packed our food for the weekend and stayed not in Manhattan, but if I am the only adult going I am not sure I am interested in driving in NY. I mean, maybe?? But if I remember, taking a greyhound was MISERABLE, so not sure what the plan should be. Flying would be great but seems like would be more expensive, but maybe not?

•Hoping that we get one good snow that we can play in before winter is over. We have lots of winter weather, but it has all been icy, or just enough snow to cause delays/early dismissals but not enough to do anything in. It took us until the end of March last year to get a real snow, so wait we shall.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

10 years

It has been 10 years since you passed away, Dad. 10 years. It feels like a lifetime ago, and also like it was just yesterday. I try hard to remember, even though it hurts. I never want to forget your voice. Sometimes I am afraid that if I don’t remember to remember, that I will forget forever. My life is very much the same as it was when you left, but also so vastly different. I lost something when I lost you that I have never been able to get back. I don’t know how I have been able to live without you being here. You were the only one who I ever get truly understood me and always had my back, the only person I ever believed loved me unconditionally. Every single day of my life I notice in some way that you are gone. Sometimes, the memories ore more happy than sad, but when the laughter stops, it’s just the silent reminder that you are gone. I am so glad that you are not suffering or in pain anymore. I wouldn’t ever have wanted that for you. It’s just that I guess I wasn’t done needing you in my life. I don’t feel stronger for what I went through, not at all. I’m not stronger for losing you. You were my rock. Saying I miss you doesn’t begin to cover it. God, Dad, I miss you so much. It still hurts. You were everything to a lot of people, Dad, but especially to me. I love you Dad. 10 years. Oh, my God.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Failing

I feel a bit like this right now...

The post-holiday slump is in full effect over here. We have had an on-going, circular cold/s since the holidays. It's been freezing cold since just before Christmas, and more than enough bad weather combined with actual scheduled school days off that I feel like we just can't get our ish together. There is barely a schedule/rhythm going on over here. What's that Dr. Seuss line..."too wet to go out, to cold to play ball, so we sat in the house doing nothing at all"...?? It feels a little like that. I mean, we have stuff to do, but it all feels sort of stale and trite. We have baked more sugar cookies and other cookies, made homemade play dough, watched countless hours of cartoons, played every game we own at least twice, played hide and seek, made forts, destroyed and then cleaned up the house at least 2 dozen times, ready so many books I have them memorized them and my already sore throat could barely talk anymore. The snow we have gotten has been enough to stomp around in for a few minutes, but not enough for much else to make being out in the cold seem worth it. We did have 2 quick days of warm weather last week, but everything was so soggy from recent icy weather that it was gross to be out in the yard, and energy was low from all the germs we have had. Sometimes it is nice to have a reason to NOT go anywhere, but this is getting ridiculous. Plus, it is the height of Flu, Strep, and Stomach bug season and all I see are huge germ pits at any of those indoor play places, and I am sure that's exactly what we would find if we went there...more cooped up parents with sick kids. I will stick with our colds, thankyouverymuch. It would be one thing if my husband was able to be here, too, so we could split the work of entertaining everyone, but it’s not enough anything to shut his work down, and the extreme cold makes his job extra freaking busy. Probably why he is the only one of us that hasn’t been sick at least once so t.

I feel like there are a thousand things I should be doing...like moving things from our spare room to the attic to shift kids around, but its far too cold to have the attic open, working on taxes, but I am at a standstill with that until I get my W-2 and some end of year statements, seeing about pre-k registration, but they don't want sick families touring the school, starting a diet and exercise plan, but again, sick, no energy/motivation...I know there is more, but that I have been discovered sitting here typing, so my time is now up.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

The in-between

Today I took my kids to the dentist, and before we left I was scheduling our 6-month check-us. The first date they had was my birthday. I didn’t say it, but one of my kids said “Hey, that’s your birthday, Mom.” Silently I thought “wow, that means I am 6 months away from turning 40, I’m halfway there.” Not that there is anything wrong with 40 or that I am scared of it. It’s just that I had it in my head that if we were to have another baby, I would want to have it by the time I turned 40. Which is sort of Ironic, because it used to be me saying I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, but then I went through 8 years of infertility and loss, and didn’t have my next child until I was 35. But now, approaching 40 that door seems like it is closing pretty fast, if it’s not closed already. I am looking for the open window, but right now it’s freezing out and all the windows are shut.

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Sitting in Church on Christmas, I was looking around at our church community (of which we still belong, but don’t belong to the school anymore) and it felt so wonderful to be around a community of faves that I recognized, a pastor whose voice was familiar, and the beautifully decorated church (the church near our home looks plain in comparison). As I watched the children’s choir, I felt a bit of nostalgia and sadness...my older kids used to participate in the music and pageantry when they were young, but my younger children will miss out because while we belong, we also are outsiders now not belonging to the school. The school is different now...the nursery and pre-k teachers are no longer there, so it’s not the same, and the school was wrong for us now in many ways. But it made me sad. Perhaps we will find that kind of fitting in closer to home for the younger ones. For now, we are somewhere in the middle of belonging and not.

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On Christmas Eve’s eve, my teen and I were sitting at the kitchen table, making trays of cookies to go in the oven. She was telling me all about meeting with the Navy recruiter and all about the steps she needs to take to be ready to enlist in 9 months. This is not news to me; I have long known that this is her plan, and I am behind her for so many reasons. But sitting at that table with her, I suddenly became very aware of what it’s going to feel like to say goodbye to part of my heart and have it missing from our home, and I had to fight away the tears. Once she enlists, she will do her first semester of her senior year of high school at school, and then she goes off to finish with the Navy. I have to not think to hard on this because otherwise I am going to spend the next 9 months crying. And I don’t want to cry about this and upset her and have her change her plans because of me. I will get over it. But right now, in this in-between...it’s so hard.

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Over our break I had a task I wanted us to tackle. When we moved in, no one wanted the extra bedroom in the basement because no one wanted to be down there alone, much to our surprise. So it became a storage room of sorts, with extra boxes of mostly clothes. When we moved in, I was pregnant, so I also had some bins of clothing in my closet as well. We also didn’t realize how much attic space we had (because it’s not a pull-down, just a removable door with no stair access) but we recently figured out we have lots of space. So we work d together today after the dentist moving boxes from the basement up two floors to the attic. At some point I stopped to take care of the toddlers, so the kids kept going. I am a saver...I don’t get rid of anything I think we could use again, so I have nearly ALL of the Baby clothes and things we have ever used. Even though my last 3 kids were all boys, I still have every piece of girl clothing. I should just get rid of it, but I felt like as long as I have it, there is hope. (Not for a girl, just for a baby). And if I do get rid of it, I would like it to be to someone I know, who would love it and use it and Cheri’s it the way we did. (Grandkids at this point???) I have been dragging my feet about moving it all to the attic, like out of sight, out of mind or something. And the thought of boxing all the bottles and blankets and small baby stuff just really hurts my heart. But today a good chunk of stuff got put away up in the attic. It started sort of by accident with the older kids just grabbing everything they could after I had to stop directing, but then I went into my closet and pulled out the containers of maternity clothes and extra diapers and Baby blankets and nursing pillows and all the breast milk storage containers and sent it all up to the attic. Not all of it went, though. The breast pumps stayed in my closet to protect them, and there’s still some containers I didn’t try to hard to reach. And I know there are still some nursing clothes and probably some maternity pieces left in my dresser. What’s that saying? The only way over is through??? I’m not ready to move on, and it still hurts, and Inhave no idea where I am going, or what’s next. But here I am, putting one foot in front of the other even though half of what I am walking in is dark.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Moments

—Disclaimer about my last post. So I apparently now suffer from PMD. I get really super down and sad right before my period starts and by day 2 it goes away. My last post was written during said time. Life isn’t as bleak as that, not at all.

The holidays are upon us, and I am trying to enjoy it, because it goes by so fast and hectic if you let it. So here are some recent moments in time that really made my heart happy.

Home life can be so chaotic much of the time. Lots of people and personalities and noise. So I really try and notice when things quiet down.

-I picked up my son from a week away at Outdoor School. Baby boy ran up to him and jumped in his brother’s arms, wrapping his tiny, chubby toddler arms around his neck, grinning ear to ear. It was the sweetest thing, definitely a hero’s welcome home.

-When I rock Baby boy to bed, he likes to “show off” and do a bunch of cute tricks, either repeating a new word he’s learned over and over, or giving me suction-cup type kisses all over my face.


-the look my husband gets when someone says something funny. It’s priceless, and I always look to him for his reaction during a show or when the kids are being weird. Or when I am being weird.

-When my teen gets down on the floor and plays with her littlest siblings. Sometimes they are so annoying to her but it’s awesome to see her playing with them.

-Hearing teenager laugh hysterically to the Chipmuncks movie by herself long after Toddler boy grew bored and left the room.

-The wonderful comfort of being able to lay on the couch with my sister in silence, and having the silence say everything.

-Standing in our front yard in the cold dark together as a family looking at the awesome display of lights my husband set up, knowing we were the first in the neighborhood to have our lights up a full week before Thanksgiving.

-Going to work and being able to be in a place I feel completely comfortable and that O belong. Knowing I am going to talk and laugh my day away, while saving lives.

-Putting a warm blanket on a sick patient. It is nice to be able to provide that kind of comfort, to watch the patient sink into the warmth.

-Having my not-even-close-to-being-a-lap-dog dog jump up on the couch to snuggle, even though she hogs the blanket.

-All the delicious comfort food the Holidays bring.

-For the first time since he died...the memories of my father are becoming more beautiful than sad. Still bittersweet, but I can feel that shift happening. Finally.

-Watching my kids put over 300 ornaments on my giantic Christmas tree on like 20 minutes. Enjoying watching them work together. Especially finding my 3.5 year old being super meticulous and taking his time, working long after everyone else had left.

-Working in the kitchen with my middle daughter. She is a great help in the kitchen fixing meals, doesn’t need a lot of direction, and tells me funny stories about the adventures in 7th grade.

-Sitting by the fire watching a show with my husband after everyone has gone to bed. Even if it’s just for a a little while, it’s so relaxing and cozy.

-coming home late from work exhausted to find my Baby boy who has decided to wait up for me. Who runs around the house like a maniac showing off his new words and skills he learned that day, alternating between jumping in my arms to snuggle to squirming down to run around like mad.

These are the moments of my life that make me feel so happy and lucky. And that tell me everything is going to be ok.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Deep Breath

That is what I keep reminding myself, although it doesn't seem to be working.

I am two hours away from a meeting with my son's teachers. It seems he is not doing well at his new school, at least academically. What I thought was just a meeting with one teacher had turned in to three teachers requesting to meet with us. I am terrified about what I am going to be told. I am also not in an emotionally great place right now, so I fear in my ability to hold myself together.

My baby turned 2 yesterday. It has been a very emotionally draining week for me to have this milestone happen. My head and my heart have finally come to the realization that baby boy is the last baby I will ever hold in my arms that I also held in my belly. And my heart, while rejoicing in all that I have and celebrating his beautiful little life, is also hurting from the loss and ending of never having this again. Of all the last firsts that have happened right before my eyes. Of all the last firsts I didn't even realize at the time that they were truly lasts. That maybe I would have taken better notes if I had realized it. If I would have taken more time.

So many mixed emotions with this realization of this ending. Gratitude that I even got to have them. Anger for the things that loss and infertility took away from me. All the time I lost in those years my body couldn't get it right. All the stress and anxiety and fear and sadness I experienced during pregnancy, waiting to see if my body could hold on. Feeling like I don't know who I am.

I have had to make parenting decisions this week that have broke my mom heart. This parenting gig ain't easy, that's for sure. That first year, well that's just cake
compared to the rest of it.

All of this stress has led to a lot of marital tension and issues. My husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye on some of it, and it is causing me to feel very isolated and alone, and also resentful. But of course I have absolutely no time where I can just sit and work through how I am feeling, so I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights. Today, I look like I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights that no amount of makeup is going to cover up. Between the bags and dark circles, red, swollen puffy eyes, hormonal stress breakouts, and stress-induced fever blister, I look about how I feel inside. I have been crying most of this morning, just feeling like an utter failure.

This week has been hard. Here's hoping things turn around soon.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Where I am

So it's been awhile since I have visited this space. We got through summer and back to school time is off to a good start. Life is completely ordinary, which is ok by me. I felt a little like I was fumbling through the summer...it's no easy feat to get everyone to cooperate and be on the same page to get out the door, especially considering the spread of ages. So I set the bar super low and don't try to be over-zealous in what I think i can accomplish in any one day, and it seems to work much better.

On my mind though, has been my inability to move forward from baby dreams. It's been on my heart so much, and I have been praying hard about it. Praying hard for God to take my desire for another child away. This past month was rough...I haven't felt like myself. I was definitely one rollercoaster of emotions. And then my period came a full week early and I bled heavier than I ever have, and it lasted for nearly 10 days, even overnight. Which is crazy because I don't know how I even had a lining left to bleed, considering my period before that was regular and not light or anything. A couple days it looked like a murder scene in the shower and I know I went through an entire box of super plus tampons. So I called my doctor, because what the hell this was too much blood.

He thinks it's just my hormones are haywire (possibly from extended nursing. My milk JUST dried up this past month despite only comfort nursing here and there for the last several months) but he also did mention scary things like D&C and Andenomyosis from multiple C-sections. Side note: google is not your friend. I went down a rabbit hole of scary shit. So now I am on Progesterone in hopes that it helps regulate things and keeps the bleeding at bay. I have had issues with low pro for several years and was the reason for my miscarriages, so it's not super surprising. Of course google has me paranoid, and given my age I also started panicking that maybe I am perimenopausal. My doctor said an easy solution would be bcps, but that he knows I am not ready to hang up the possibility of another child, which made me think. I would like to come to the conclusion that I am done having children on my own terms and not forced into it by age or otherwise. I know I am on the end of the age spectrum most likely, but I am just not ready to give it up. I don't really know what that means just yet. I am still processing and still trying to figure out exactly what happened this last cycle.

Worried that my cysts have returned amount all the other scary things google told me, I had my Ultrasound girl at work scan me over the weekend. The good news is no cysts or fibroids. My uterus is a normal size, and the endometrium didn't show signs of adenomyosis, and the lining was around 8mm (how I don't have a clue after all the bleeding and clotting I just finished with). She also picked out several follicles on the left side with a definite lead follie, although it definitely wasn't big enough just yet. So I still have eggs. And no pcos. So looking like it's definitely a hormonal issue. I need to get my hemaglobin rechecked for anemia, so I am going to ask for my thyroid to be rechecked as well. I have definitely been feeling a bit more stable since starting the Progesterone so hopefully I can get everything regulated and feeling more like myself. I don't know where we will go from here in the ttc department. I know that my husband was super worried and upset with the bleeding and the thinking our decision was made for us. But I can't see jumping back into treatments either. I will just pray on it and hope the answer reveals itself.