The unexpected

Life is trucking along. I have spent the last week with a house where 7 people, one by one, all got the stomach bug. It’s been truly exhausting. I haven’t had much time to dwell or think of anything other than how to rid this junk from my house and getting high on bleach fumes.

So my doctor called today with test results. Seeing as I got the blood work done almost 2 weeks ago at my hospital, I had most of the results already, but my doctor had been out of town and one of the samples had to be sent out for testing. I also had my hormone specialist look over the results as well. But the phone call from my doctor today was unexpected, as were his words “You can still have a baby if you want one”.

I’m sorry....WHAT?! So, it turns out I’m not in peri-menopause, my ovarian reserves are still ok, everything they tested on CD2 was in the normal range. What the ever-loving hell then? I don’t FEEL right. I have a lot of weird cycle issues I never had before. My sex drive has been practically non-existent. And also, all my numbers were normal for those 8 years when I couldn’t get or stay pregnant. So I am definitely not jumping up and down for joy as if a pregnancy is just a going to happen.

And also...do I want another pregnancy? I guess I have been getting my head space around the fact that I was likely at the end of my fertility, that my last baby was my last baby. Now I don’t even know what to think. If I turned up pregnant I wouldn’t be sad, but do I really want to go back to trying to make it happen? I don’t think so. This is such a mind-fuck. Everything I googled about my symptoms correlated with peri-menopause and decreased estrogen.

My hormone specialist has other ideas, some less-mainstream stuff western medicine doesn’t test for that would explain me not feeling right and cycle issues and lack of sex drive. I get that testing done in the second half of my cycle, so next week. I really just want to go back to feeling “normal” again

30 years

This week marks 30 years that I have had my period. That seems so crazy to me. It has definitely been a love/hate relationship...loving when it came all those years I didn’t want to be pregnant, hating every time it came when I did. Here I am, waiting on it again, so I can once again get blood work done. Only this time to see if it is indeed the finality of my “fertility”. I have a lot of emotions about this. The discussion with my doctor was tough, and I was so sad, and so grateful he knows me well enough to finish all my teary sentences. I am also working with a hormone specialist to find the easiest way to close the door on this chapter on my life. I hope someday soon this doesn’t feel so sad. But right now sad is all I’ve got.