Splitting the bill

I recently had a conversation with my teen about etiquette and being a good friend vs being taken advantage of. When her and her friends go out, I noticed she was paying the whole amount on her bank card, so I wanted to ask. At first she was saying that everyone would give her cash and she just used her card “to make it easier”, but then after talking more found out that one girl in particular would always order way more than she had cash to pay, and then act like she had no idea when the check came. I told her she must put a stop to this because that isn’t fair, and if it was one time ok, but if it happened every time she needed to talk to this friend.

Whenever my friends and I go out, we usually all tally up our portion and pay separately. Actually for years when 3 of my high school friends would go out, one girl would get the check and do the math for us so we would know what we owed, and then write charge amounts and last digits of credit card numbers on the check so the server could run correct amounts for us. Nowadays, I have one friend likes to use her rewards card so I will give her the cash if I have it and she will pay, but I always cover my share and tip. Another friend and I will sometimes take turns paying the check because it’s always about the same amount and it’s nice to rotate. It’s nice to know that the next time you go out, you don’t have to worry about it. And if I have the extra money, I like to offer to pay, knowing they will have my back next time.

We do that at work, too. We have a “breakfast club” on Saturdays  and somewhere along the line someone offered to treat everyone and it started a rotation quite naturally. Even though we sometimes have extra or different people who work each weekend, we include everyone and always keep the rotation going. (And we eat in the cafeteria so it’s not that expensive even if it’s 6 people). It’s cool because sometimes someone you bought breakfast for once happens to be working again, they always offer to pay, so no one takes advantage and it’s nice to be able to make someone’s morning. We never argue over who’s turn it is, everyone just sort of knows if it’s been a while since they paid that it’s their turn.

A couple weeks ago 2 of my coworker friends and I  got together for our July birthdays. One of the girls and I have been very close for over a decade and have gone out together before and we each pay our way. Well, this time when the check came this other girl said “Do you want to just split the bill 3 ways? That’s what I like to do”. Which makes sense on the surface. But. I was the only one who didn’t order alcohol, and the one girl had 2 alcoholic drinks, meaning our share wasn’t equal. I chose not to speak up because 1) I work with these people and didn’t want to make a situation awkward 2.) we were celebrating our birthdays, and I wanted to keep it about celebrating each other 3) It wasn’t so much about the money as it was the principle of the idea that splitting 3 ways doesn’t always make sense. 4) It wasn’t an expensive place so it wasn’t that much more money for me to spend. I guess I was immediately conscious of the fact that I didn’t spend as much and was annoyed that she didn’t seem to notice that, but then she did bring a birthday cake for us all and had me take the leftovers home, so how could I really stay mad for long? But I will definitely know that is how this other girl rolls when the check comes if we happen to go out outside of work again.

I did have one awkward experience with a check once. When we moved I used an old realtor friend, and we met for lunch a couple times during the process. She had paid the first time (business expense) but the second time I felt like I should/wanted to pay. She mentioned that the next time we went out it would be her turn to pay, that she owed me lunch. Several weeks later (and about a week before I went on maternity leave) she invited me out again and said she was bringing a girl we used to work with during our waitressing gig (someone who I wasn’t ever super close with or even kept in touch with, but the two of them were/did). I met them thinking it wasn’t my turn to pay (and didn’t have money budgeted to go because of maternity leave). Not only was the meal awkward and un-fun (I had my toddler who decided to not want to behave or eat or otherwise cooperate, and other girl had the most well behaved 1 year old ever) but the food was awful and the whole experience was odd because I really didn’t know this person (She kept talking about someone named Andy and I commented about her stepson and Andy ended up being her brother who they swear I know but I swear I don’t, and I for some reason though the guy she married had a kid) Anyway, the bill came and I didn’t move to pay, and it got weird with this other person looking at me oddly, my friend getting ready to pay, and the other girl fumbling around still looking at me weirdly and saying that our friend shouldn’t pay because it was her birthday the next day (Again, I’m not on Facebook and so I wouldn’t know birthdays like that and also, super pregnant, brain not working to catch the awkward) and so the two of them ended up splitting the check. It wasn’t until I thought about it later I realized how bad I must have looked to this other person, who probably had no idea the other girl had said she would pay next time. And maybe I should have waited to cash in on that when it was just the two of us and not some third person, but again Baby Brain. Anyway, months later when we were going to all 3 get together again I wrote in the group text chain “and I’m pretty sure I owe you all lunch this time” to kind of make up for that and acknowledge that I’m not a cheap ass. We never did end up geting together, but at least I sort of redeemed myself.

How do you work the bill when you go out?

that’s a wrap

The last time I wrote I eluded**to the fact that we had something pretty major and stressful going on in our lives. We have been through parental illness and loss, our marriage crumbling, job loss and financial ruins, and infertility and pregnancy loss,. What we are going through right now feels right up there with all of that; a scary path I have not navigated before. The stakes feel very high...worst case scenario this puts us back in to financial ruin or close to it. I am trying not to live that scenario, though. But I am living in near constant anxiety and limbo.

This situation has forced us to go back in time...to revisit a time and place where things were at their worst for us, where we were trying to pick up the pieces, we were just trying to survive, quite literally. My PTSD has returned. I feel like my summer has been ruined. It has also forced us to reach out to people from our past as witnesses, some of whom we didn’t ever even have that close of relationships with but still infrequently talk to. Everyone has been so wonderful to us, pledging to help in any way they can, showing genuine shock and outrage at what has transpired. We aren’t a perfect family, by any means, but we try to be good church going people and teach our kids the same.

Given the outpouring of support we received from those people we didn’t even know for that long or weren’t even that close to or that would be described as more than “friendly neighbors”, it has been truly shocking the response, or lack thereof, from my former best friend. There is a possibility of a need to involve her as a witness, and I didn’t want her blindsided with legal paperwork if it comes to that, so I sent her a brief text letting her know what has transpired. She only offered an “ok” back. No concern about why this was happening or even how we were doing with all of it. Not a thing.

Now, I realize we aren’t on the best of terms. But even given that, if the roles were reversed I would most definitely have more to say that just “ok”. I don’t know. I just feel like I wouldn’t be that way to  anyone reaching out, no matter what. I mean, if someone was asking for something out of the blue, like money, I may have pause. But to not even care?? And the outcome directly affects her GODCHILD, whom she is close to. Life happens, people drift apart. But the beauty of all of that is knowing that when the chips are down you can reach out. I dunno...I guess I just thought there might be some moral support on the other side, as I have her when she was dealing with some health issues she didn’t understand. But it would appear that that is not the case, and that there really isn’t anything left there. Which makes me a little sad, because out of all the people that I have known, this is the only person where things have been so...finite.

If you are the praying sort, I could definitely use some, for a quick resolution to all of this but also for some peace of heart for me. I am finding it very hard to remain calm through all of this and still properly take care of myself and my family.

***If anyone is genuinely curious, I don’t mind sharing privately what is going on, feel free to email me or leave a comment with yours. Because of the legal nature of this, I do not want to publish details on my blog, even though I am somewhat anonymous.

18 and 40

It’s been a momentous week. I turned 40 years old and 4 days later we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s kind of heavy stuff.

The overall happiness had been dampened a bit by some pretty stressful stuff. It’s not been a fun couple of weeks, and I have been determined to not let it steal my joy. But it really makes this week come full circle in that the challenges we face never seem to let up for long. In 18 years, there isn’t much we haven’t been faced with. Still, I have had a near-constant pit in my stomach for the past 2 weeks. My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. It’s just kind of sucked.

But I want to reflect on my 40 years...I have both done better than I ever probably thought I would, and also feel like a complete failure and that I am faking the hell out of this whole being an adult thing. I don’t feel like I have lived 40 years, but when I look back I feel like I have been alive forever. My body likes to remind me I am 40 on a daily basis, most notably how badly not getting sleep affects my ability to function...I just can’t do what I could even a few years ago on very little sleep. I have thought a lot about relationships that have come and gone, and of people in my life whom I miss terribly, either by death or distance, and wishing there was some sort of portal with which to travel to be close to them again. Turning 40 has made me think a lot about my legacy and what impact I will one day leave behind. I hope I have been a good enough mom to have raised great kids who will hopefully have some of my grit...I hope I have given them just enough tough, fierce love for it to help and not hinder them. I always hope I haven’t royally screwed up my kids by being too much of one thing and not enough of something else. I guess maybe that is normal? Maybe it’s silly, but I hope my kids continue to recycle long after I am gone, and have a heart to take in all the stray dogs. I don’t need to leave a lasting impact on the world, I only care about the impact I have left on my kids. I hope they are proud of the mother I have been to them, even if I am not always proud of myself. I hope they learn something from me for all the times I have had to admit to them that I could have done better.

18 years of marriage is crazy to me. I have almost been with my husband for half of my life. In so many ways that he will probably never even know, he saved me. I wasn’t looking for some knight in shining armor to rescue me, but I can see now that he did. I am not the most gentle or most romantic wife around, I will totally own that. Somehow he loves me anyway. We have had our share of heartaches, both personal and together and some were definitely self-inflicted. We managed to defy all the odds mostly because neither of us saw any other way. Being together so long has been a blessing. It turns out that if you stay together long enough you stop trying to change the other person to be the way you think you need them to be, and you start letting them just be themselves, that’s when you find out that is the exact person you really need. The longer we are married and the older I get, I realize I really only want and need to spend time with him. Maybe it’s because se we don’t really get a lot of alone time, down time together right now. Maybe it’s because we are both homebodies who don’t feel the need to go and be out. We are on the same page about giving our little kids a good schedule and lots of stability and not dragging them all over the place just so we can have a life. As unpopular as our decisions can be sometimes with regards to having to say no to a lot of things and other people not understanding, we get it and don’t even worry about it, as long as we stick together. I have learned that he and I are better together. We have definitely had things happen in our lives where we just didn’t lean on each other as we should have, and it was much more difficult than when we kind of say us against the world and just seek solace in each other. He still makes me laugh, often at myself, but I am still laughing. Sometimes I feel like if I wasn’t laughing I would be crying. I am really glad that we always chose each other and chose to stick it out (sometimes it was only for necessity I swear) because the rewards come from getting past all of that and getting to be in this place together where the love is strong and we know we can make it through whatever life throws our way. This guy I married 18 years ago...he might not always get me, but he definitely accepts me for all the kooky and crazy that I am. We have a house full of love and so much love between us. I am so glad for all the things that had to aline in order for us to meet and get us where we are today.

This post was written for MicroBlog Monday over at Stirrup-queens.com