Four weeks ago I took a pregnancy test. I never expected it to be positive. In fact, I was taking the test so sure it would be negative, so I could call the hormone specialist I had been working with and tell her I thought some things needed to be adjusted. I had started having hot flashes again, and wicked mood swings and thought it was related to needing to adjust some of the supplements I was on.
A week after that, I got my first beta done and it was 400 something. Lower than I thought it should be but still in the normal range, and as I didn’t know exactly when I ovulated, thought it might be alright. A week after that I had a beta of 3100 something. Adequate increase if you account for the slow-down that happens over 1200. Again, in normal range on the charts. Still kept feeling like the numbers should be higher, but I had some cramping and breast tenderness and lots of nausea so I tried to think good thoughts, but I kept having a nagging feeling.
Another week goes by and I start to really wonder. I don’t feel crampy like I usually would through the first trimester, I have lots of energy, my symptoms aren’t getting worse, and I don’t feel the urge to pee often or have a fullness in my lower pelvis. I try to reason it all away, but it’s always there in the back of my mind. Another week later I have a scan where it’s just the sac, rough measurement of 5 weeks 2 days when I should be at least over 6 weeks, but probably more like 7.
I do the math everywhich way I can to try to make the measurement make sense. Did I find out super early? Maybe I really am only 5 weeks. But I got a positive test 3 weeks ago. I run beta numbers and account for slow down, trying to guess what my beta is. I twist the information every which way but just can’t figure it all out, and finally just give up and settle in the fact that something somewhere is wrong.
Last night a couple hours before I got off work the sono tech and I were talking and she asked about babies, and I told her unneeded a scan because I was pregnant but didn’t think it was ok. The sac was smaller than last week, no measurement but I could tell, and it was empty. Blighted Ovum it’s called. What they thought I had with my last baby which turned out to be tech error. But at this point it’s no error this time. 4 weeks since a positive test, 3 weeks since my 3100 beta. The tech felt awful, but I just knew. She also said it looked like the endometrium was thick and trying to shed, like a section of clot needed to come out. Probably couldn’t from the Progesterone I am on. She gives me a hug. I try and hold it together for my last 2 hours. I text my husband and tell him and ask him to handle telling the kids.
I just want to get to the safety of my car so I can feel the feels. Of course it has to be pouring down rain and lots of city traffic, so I cry as much as I can while trying to somewhat safely drive. The first thought I have is “I don’t get to keep you” which justbrios my heart into two. Then I think about coming home to a house full of people who were so happy and have to look them all in the eye, as if it is somehow my fault. I feel guilty I was ever so shocked or worried the test was positive, that maybe because I initially was a little scared that somehow I caused this to happen.
Before I got into bed I sadly took off my St. Gerard necklace. It was the first night I didn’t say the prayer novena to him. Today has been hard. I really want to just curl up in bed and stay there for a while but I can’t. And I am angry because I am still so nauseated and headachey thanks to these hormones that are still there, since I still have a gestational sac in my uterus. I am very angry I am feeling lousy for nothing. I put off calling my doctor at first. I just didn’t want to face it, and possibly have to put on clothes and go in for an appointment. I didn’t want to do any of that today. When my husband got home I took a nice hot bath, and dozed off in the run for about 20 minutes and it helped me feel a bit better. I called my doctor then, and he was so great about everything, expressing shock and sorrow. He gave me the choice of expected management (waiting to miscarry on my own) or a D&C. I am not super keen on having surgery, so I am opting to wait, but he told me he would do whatever I wanted. If I want this to be over quickly he would schedule me, but understands I might want to wait given I have had 5 uterine surgeries and it’s a little more complicated now. I am keeping my appointment with him in 2 weeks (which was supposed to be my 10 week prenatal appointment) and if I haven’t miscarried by then, a D&C is likely. But if I start bleeding I am to come in sooner so he can monitor everything to make sure I don’t hemorrhage.
And no, he won’t make me come in to verify. He knows I am in the imaging field and have always had my own scans in between appointments with him. I worked with him when I was a student and he was the attending at the same hospital, and we have a long history both personal and professional, and therefore a mutual trust. He knows I wouldn’t call him about this if I wasn’t sure.
So for now I am going to feel all the feels and just wait and pray I miscarry on my own. And in the meantime try to come to terms with this unexpected pregnancy and loss. Tonight I am just so very sad, although I can’t help but somehow at the same time feel lucky, because just down the road my dear friend is deciding on experimental treatments in a foreign country so she can save her life.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Monday, September 17, 2018
Stripped
I am feeling very stripped down and raw today. This post is going to be very honest. It is possible it may contain some triggering things, just in case you aren’t in a good place to keep reading.
-In late spring we finished our attic and began the process of moving all of our baby things up there, along with bins of my maternity clothes and anything extra that we could. Some things wouldn’t fit due to the small attic opening, but we did what we could. I tuned 40 and mentally started to move on from this life, trying not to sit in thought about it for too long because it is a very difficult thing for me to think too hard about. I started trying to process all of my first last’s that were happening every day. At some point I finally took all of my nursing bras out of my drawer and started finally wearing my old, regular ones again. It actually felt really good to do this.
-This summer we dealt with the most stressful situation ever, and that took so much out of me. It took me a very long time to even come to terms and some inner peace about what was happening and what it all meant for us. I don’t know a time I have ever been more on edge and physically sick from stress for such an extended period of time. I turned inside myself in a way I don’t think I have before. Around the time this situation was coming to a head and had not quite ended, and on the tail end of just coming back from burying my sister’s dad, I found out I was pregnant, incredibly unexpectedly.
-Finding out I was pregnant was a complete shock, and I almost didn’t have the mental capacity to process it, nor the emotional reserves to deal with it. It took me a while to be able to even wrap my head around it. I was scared, because our terrible situation was still not resolved, and I honestly had moments where I was seriously wondering what I was going to do. I had no idea how to handle this too. I just couldn’t come to terms with this. Not only that, but I don’t even know when/how it happened in the first place. I coped with stress in unhealthy ways when I was away for the funeral, the stress was physically making me sick, and we use non-sperm-friendly lube. The timing of sex was also during my period so I was really puzzled, and I had been eating ibuprofen like candy for cramps and a knee injury.
-I didn’t want to tell anyone at first. After a few days of feeling turned upside down, my husband started to tell people. I only told my sister. I felt undeserving, I still do. I was still living in disbelief and utter panic. Because of everything else that was also still going on, I kept feeling anxious and as if the other shoe was going to drop at any moment. I started praying the novena I prayed everyday to the patron saint of expectant mothers that this baby would “see the light of day”. Once my husband told the older kids, I started wearing the necklace that represents that saint. I still kept the news to myself. I was taking my vitamins and got my progesterone and did the requisite serial betas and other early blood work which all looked good, despite me feeling like it wouldn’t be. I had a couple small symptoms but nothing to make me feel like any of this was going in the right direction.
-I reluctantly made my first doctors appointment, feeling so fearful, like I’m not really pregnant and I am going to go and look like an idiot. Normally I would have had multiple ultrasounds at work but I am so damn scared this time, like I am going to get devastating news while at work. Logging in to see my second beta was panic attack inducing. I started thinking about all worse-case scenario things that could happen at each stage, and got myself all tangled up in terrible thoughts about not wanting to go through another C-section procedure. All of this has been in my own head, I haven’t dared share any of this. Every single time I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I feel like I am projecting all of these worse case scenario things so that when the inevitable happens, I would have seen it coming and not be so taken by surprise. I refuse to engage in any hopeful, happy baby talk. I feel emotionally needy and vulnerable in a way that is very foreign to me.
-Meanwhile, my husband has told everyone it seems, and one person in particular who has made sure that everyone I know now knows. Despite my terrible feelings of doom and not wanting to tell people. Which proves that even husbands who have walked pregnancy loss with you don’t really understand the feelings and the repercussions, even years later. I don’t know what I am going to do when my phone starts blowing up with messages.
-This weekend I broke down and had a quick scan with less than hopeful results...sizes and dates don’t quite match up and so far there is no heartbeat or anything to be seen inside the sac, on the day when it had been 3 weeks since my first positive test and one week since my good second beta. So much ambiguity...tilted uterus, quick scan, questionable tech skills...I have not shared this information with anyone. Although what my beta should be about now, what we saw might make sense....the dates and whatnot don’t seem to so I am still in limbo, only worse because now there is some confirmation my feelings might not be so crazy after all. Hoping to keep myself together enough to make it to my doctors appointment in a couple weeks and find out for certain.
-Right as I was getting the information regarding my scan, I was also receiving some other devastating information about a close friend of mine. A rare cancer she was diagnosed with 3 years ago on her 40th birthday has spread to her lungs and brain and spine. I have known her for over 20 years...our 4 girls are all very close in age...it’s just the most heartbreaking news one can even imagine. She is being surrounded by prayer and love, but everyone knows any treatments are just buying her time. As I thought about her and her family, I couldn’t help but feel like I couldn’t possibly have any good news regarding this pregnancy when she was living such horrible news. I feel like there is no way it’s possible that during her 40th year she got a cancer diagnosis and during my 40th year I get a healthy pregnancy. She is also someone part of this Ali community, having experienced several pregnancy losses herself over the years. Someone who desperately wanted more children than she ended up with.
-My oldest daughter also came home with her first broken heart this weekend. My heart has been working overtime, and the tears just keep flowing.
-All of this news prompted me to look through old photos, the ones taken on real film before digital took over. I found lots of great old pictures of us before marriage, before kids, when we were all just starting out. I have them set aside, to make copies and get to her, as she is a big traditional scrapbooker. I have been trying to figure out what I can do for her that won’t be intrusive but be totally helpful. Our circles of people around us are much different now, and in the bigger picture I am not sure where I fit in exactly. Although I think maybe in times like these is doesn’t really matter.
-In all those pictures I found one of my 3rd Baby and I, my first son, in recovery with him on my chest, my chin resting on his head. And that picture that I haven’t seen in many years just cut a huge hole into my heart, and all my insides spilled out. And I sobbed so damn hard. And today I held my youngest and just cried on his head, tracing his sweet still-Baby features, while my heart just throbbed. Because I finally realized where all my fear is coming from, from wanting and needing these moments to never stop. And images of that picture of me and my son flashed through my mind, and I realize that I want that moment again. But I don’t think I am going to have that this time. And if that is the case, if that is what it turns out to be then I am going to make sure there’s is a permanent way of making sure this never happens again. That I have to protect my heart and try to repair some of the damage this has caused.
Below is the picture of my first son and I that has gutted my heart, and the picture of my sweet friend and I, a long, long time ago.
-In late spring we finished our attic and began the process of moving all of our baby things up there, along with bins of my maternity clothes and anything extra that we could. Some things wouldn’t fit due to the small attic opening, but we did what we could. I tuned 40 and mentally started to move on from this life, trying not to sit in thought about it for too long because it is a very difficult thing for me to think too hard about. I started trying to process all of my first last’s that were happening every day. At some point I finally took all of my nursing bras out of my drawer and started finally wearing my old, regular ones again. It actually felt really good to do this.
-This summer we dealt with the most stressful situation ever, and that took so much out of me. It took me a very long time to even come to terms and some inner peace about what was happening and what it all meant for us. I don’t know a time I have ever been more on edge and physically sick from stress for such an extended period of time. I turned inside myself in a way I don’t think I have before. Around the time this situation was coming to a head and had not quite ended, and on the tail end of just coming back from burying my sister’s dad, I found out I was pregnant, incredibly unexpectedly.
-Finding out I was pregnant was a complete shock, and I almost didn’t have the mental capacity to process it, nor the emotional reserves to deal with it. It took me a while to be able to even wrap my head around it. I was scared, because our terrible situation was still not resolved, and I honestly had moments where I was seriously wondering what I was going to do. I had no idea how to handle this too. I just couldn’t come to terms with this. Not only that, but I don’t even know when/how it happened in the first place. I coped with stress in unhealthy ways when I was away for the funeral, the stress was physically making me sick, and we use non-sperm-friendly lube. The timing of sex was also during my period so I was really puzzled, and I had been eating ibuprofen like candy for cramps and a knee injury.
-I didn’t want to tell anyone at first. After a few days of feeling turned upside down, my husband started to tell people. I only told my sister. I felt undeserving, I still do. I was still living in disbelief and utter panic. Because of everything else that was also still going on, I kept feeling anxious and as if the other shoe was going to drop at any moment. I started praying the novena I prayed everyday to the patron saint of expectant mothers that this baby would “see the light of day”. Once my husband told the older kids, I started wearing the necklace that represents that saint. I still kept the news to myself. I was taking my vitamins and got my progesterone and did the requisite serial betas and other early blood work which all looked good, despite me feeling like it wouldn’t be. I had a couple small symptoms but nothing to make me feel like any of this was going in the right direction.
-I reluctantly made my first doctors appointment, feeling so fearful, like I’m not really pregnant and I am going to go and look like an idiot. Normally I would have had multiple ultrasounds at work but I am so damn scared this time, like I am going to get devastating news while at work. Logging in to see my second beta was panic attack inducing. I started thinking about all worse-case scenario things that could happen at each stage, and got myself all tangled up in terrible thoughts about not wanting to go through another C-section procedure. All of this has been in my own head, I haven’t dared share any of this. Every single time I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I feel like I am projecting all of these worse case scenario things so that when the inevitable happens, I would have seen it coming and not be so taken by surprise. I refuse to engage in any hopeful, happy baby talk. I feel emotionally needy and vulnerable in a way that is very foreign to me.
-Meanwhile, my husband has told everyone it seems, and one person in particular who has made sure that everyone I know now knows. Despite my terrible feelings of doom and not wanting to tell people. Which proves that even husbands who have walked pregnancy loss with you don’t really understand the feelings and the repercussions, even years later. I don’t know what I am going to do when my phone starts blowing up with messages.
-This weekend I broke down and had a quick scan with less than hopeful results...sizes and dates don’t quite match up and so far there is no heartbeat or anything to be seen inside the sac, on the day when it had been 3 weeks since my first positive test and one week since my good second beta. So much ambiguity...tilted uterus, quick scan, questionable tech skills...I have not shared this information with anyone. Although what my beta should be about now, what we saw might make sense....the dates and whatnot don’t seem to so I am still in limbo, only worse because now there is some confirmation my feelings might not be so crazy after all. Hoping to keep myself together enough to make it to my doctors appointment in a couple weeks and find out for certain.
-Right as I was getting the information regarding my scan, I was also receiving some other devastating information about a close friend of mine. A rare cancer she was diagnosed with 3 years ago on her 40th birthday has spread to her lungs and brain and spine. I have known her for over 20 years...our 4 girls are all very close in age...it’s just the most heartbreaking news one can even imagine. She is being surrounded by prayer and love, but everyone knows any treatments are just buying her time. As I thought about her and her family, I couldn’t help but feel like I couldn’t possibly have any good news regarding this pregnancy when she was living such horrible news. I feel like there is no way it’s possible that during her 40th year she got a cancer diagnosis and during my 40th year I get a healthy pregnancy. She is also someone part of this Ali community, having experienced several pregnancy losses herself over the years. Someone who desperately wanted more children than she ended up with.
-My oldest daughter also came home with her first broken heart this weekend. My heart has been working overtime, and the tears just keep flowing.
-All of this news prompted me to look through old photos, the ones taken on real film before digital took over. I found lots of great old pictures of us before marriage, before kids, when we were all just starting out. I have them set aside, to make copies and get to her, as she is a big traditional scrapbooker. I have been trying to figure out what I can do for her that won’t be intrusive but be totally helpful. Our circles of people around us are much different now, and in the bigger picture I am not sure where I fit in exactly. Although I think maybe in times like these is doesn’t really matter.
-In all those pictures I found one of my 3rd Baby and I, my first son, in recovery with him on my chest, my chin resting on his head. And that picture that I haven’t seen in many years just cut a huge hole into my heart, and all my insides spilled out. And I sobbed so damn hard. And today I held my youngest and just cried on his head, tracing his sweet still-Baby features, while my heart just throbbed. Because I finally realized where all my fear is coming from, from wanting and needing these moments to never stop. And images of that picture of me and my son flashed through my mind, and I realize that I want that moment again. But I don’t think I am going to have that this time. And if that is the case, if that is what it turns out to be then I am going to make sure there’s is a permanent way of making sure this never happens again. That I have to protect my heart and try to repair some of the damage this has caused.
Below is the picture of my first son and I that has gutted my heart, and the picture of my sweet friend and I, a long, long time ago.
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