Tying it all together

It’s been a while since I have been here. Life has been busy and honestly I just didn’t know what to say. Life has been pretty status quo. We did all of our fall activities like the pumpkin farm and hayride (where I proceeded to lose my phone under all the hay despite warnings about that very thing before the ride started), carved pumpkins, did lots of trick or treating or a very mild weathered night (you just never know what you are going to get in the mid-atlantic), celebrated baby boy turning 3, and otherwise raced through November to Thanksgiving where we spent time with my sister and her family, made and froze all my Christmas cookie dough while the turkey was cooking, shopped after Thanksgiving dinner, had the usually holiday fight with my mom, and finally got our Christmas Tree, which we are still working on decorating, because the thing is HUGE, probably our biggest one yet. No angel on top this year as it’s way too tall even after cutting at least 8” off the trunk. But it is the perfect shape and I love it. I will have to do a picture post because I don’t know how to get pictures to add when blogging on my phone, it just won’t work or pull from my camera roll.

I have a NYC trip coming up in a week with just my daughters and I, and I really can’t wait. I managed to score a long puffer coat with a hood for $2.34 on Black Friday (there were 3 discounts on the coat, it should have cost me $16 on an originally $80 price, but they charged me wrong. When I went back to get the receipt adjusted, they still did the discounts wrong so they ended up refunding me all but $2.34 somehow.) It’s going to be cold, and possibly raining, so I am glad I found this coat. I am very excited because I don’t get much time with just my girls. It’s hard to find things in common to do together where we don’t have to include little kids.

The holidays this year have made me feel some sort of way. I have this overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness that has felt like a gaping hole. It’s more than just my recent loss, or the sadness that floats to the surface more this time of year. Things just haven’t felt quite right. Normally by now I have been listening to Christmas music nonstop for weeks, I have started shopping, I have a plan. And this year I’m half-hearted in it all. It doesn’t help that everywhere you turn there is that expectation to be “thankful, grateful, blessed” (I HATE that overused “blessed”. It’s just so...UGH.) and to have candy canes shooting out from your ass all season long. It makes it so much more difficult to admit you are struggling.

But Mel (stirrup-queens.com since my linky think won’t work either) had a post yesterday about loss and it put into words what I haven’t been able to explain, but it also made me think, to really take a look at what I am feeling. And I apologize if this gets sappy but I think my period is trying to come back and I am getting teary just typing this.

So my oldest daughter turned 18 this year. And she is a senior, and she is working, and I don’t have her around as much. She isn’t at dinner with us most nights. Her littlest siblings miss her so damn much, because of her hours they might see her before bed but not always. She doesn’t have free reign to come and go as she pleases, but she has some leeway so long as I know where she is and about when to expect her home. Friday they were off school. My other 2 spent Thanksgiving night at my moms with my sister and her family. It was me and the little boys. I knew she had plans, but she went  to leave suuuuper early, and I questioned when I noticed Toddler boy asking for her. I got upset because sometimes it seems like “anywhere but here” is where she would rather be. And I KNOW it’s part of growing up but MAN does it suck for my mama heart. So I tried to point out that taking a few minutes to be with her siblings before she left would go a long way for all of us, and she made a comment about how she wouldn’t even be living at home much longer (when she enlists) and I don’t know it all just kind of hit me. Between what she said and all the school emails about graduation gowns and dates, and filling out the 2019 calendar where I came to April/May. And I sort of had a weird come to Jesus moment where it all just clicked.

That baby I was briefly pregnant with would have been something physical to hold onto and nurture and love when the rest of my world was spinning out of control, where a part of my heart was going to physically break off and go out into the world alone, without me. And the realization that my time of being an influence, of making a difference, of shaping her, was pretty much done. For better or worse. And that I have no clue how to do this part of parenthood. I know the baby part, that’s what I know I am good at. What if the rest of it I sucked at? 

So my pregnancy loss was leaving more than a baby-shaped hole in my heart. It was something that was going to help me stay grounded and get through this huge letting go that is going to have to happen. And without it, I am floating around lost. Closing the door on so many things. The holidays just have a way to bring all of this out and to the surface. This trip to NYC is going to be special in so many ways. I hope it also offers some healing and acceptance as well.

the aftermath

Since there is a nationwide shortage of the tubing normally used in a suction d&c, my doctor did the procedure a different way, instead using a hysteroscope and and a small spinning blade, which actually allows for more accurate work since you can see exactly what you are removing before you remove it.

He cleared out the uterine cavity of a lot of tissue and blood products that had detached from the wall but were just sitting in there stuck since I hadn’t been having any cramps that would force it out. He checked my lower uterus and the incision site and all of that looked very good and strong and solid. Then he went up a little higher, and there at the top of my uterus was a tiny blue bubble that was the gestational sac. Right there at the top of my uterus where it was supposed to be. It wasn’t ectopic or implanted too low in my uterus too close to the old incision site or my cervix. Nope, my baby was right where it was supposed to be. Behind it was all the build up of blood we saw on the ultrasound, so it wasn’t a possible twin it was the same sac that had shrunk down so small it wasn’t visible on ulatrsojnd any longer. I never actually passed it. My almost baby hung on until the last second, even the labor intense contractions I had couldn’t get it to let go. That baby wanted to be here with me, too.

After I sat for a while and wrote my last post, I tried to stop at my favorite store that is near my doctor’s office, but I couldn’t even enjoy it, I was so weighted down and sad. I ended up putting back half of what I picked up and just got out of there as fast as I could. I got back in the car and put on some music and every song that came on just seemed to be talking directly to me in how I felt in that moment.

The entirety of the lyrics to “Angel Wings” by Social Distortion. Here’s a portion:

You say you're down on your luck
Hey baby It's a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you're really down and out
And you feel like there's no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I've been dealt?
You're so disillusioned this can't be real
And you can't stand now the way you feel

I don't care about what they say
I won't live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel's wings won't you carry me home?

And then this small portion from September by Daughtry

Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone, yeah

Thanks shuffle.

So I ended up sobbing my heart out on the drive home, everything I had been holding in since that appointment, everything just came crashing down on me, and all of a sudden I had this thought, this realization.

We should have been grateful. Instead of being shocked and scared and just so overwhelmed when the two lines popped up, we should have just been grateful. Maybe if we had things would have turned out differently.

one step forward two steps back

Today marks 2 weeks since my D&C. I just got done with my post-op appointment.

Overall I have been doing ok these past couple weeks. It has helped that I have been busy with other things like fall activities and Halloween and my baby’s third birthday. After the first four days the light bleeding turned to spotting about every other day. At the end of last week I did have more cramping than I had been having, and yesterday I had some light bleeding for a little bit in the morning.

Yesterday I was looking ahead at a 2019 calendar to schedule some PTO time at work, and I came to April and suddenly got really sad. And I flashed back to finding out I was pregnant and how it was said (not by me) that some things in April that we had scheduled would need to be changed around, and I just felt the weight of all of this all over again. I WISH we had to change things around now. I also had to delete some accounts where the info is very pregnancy/baby centric because photos of newly earthside babies on their mamas’ chests were just killing me, as well as just stop visiting some sites I frequent.

So my appointment tonight went well. My doctor is just so great, and so is his nurse, but man it hurt to be there. No pregnant people (he only does limited OB now for a few select patients) and the other girl in the office has been dealing with post-miscarriage issues for a couple weeks longer than I. I had time to lay there by myself in the exam room and just thought how different this visit was compared to other times I have been on that same table in that same room. My doctor told me he had some scope pictures if I wanted to see, and the medical side of me wanted to see. But my heart just couldn’t  get past the fact that there in the magnified picture was my almost-baby. Medically what was a really cool finding (because the usual way they do this procedure they would have either missed this or never seen it) and awesome for the resident who was in the room that day. Pathology confirmed there was no fetal tissue, it was definitely a blighted Ovum, and empty sac. And I had them check my urine and my pregnancy test was indeed negative now. I’m glad. I don’t think I could have dealt with buying my own tests and waiting to see negatives again, or worse just seeing positives still after all of this.

My doctor and I had a discussion where I said “I am just having trouble moving past this. Getting to a point where I don’t wish for another baby, getting to a point where I am ok being done.” And he just said “I know.” and sat with me in that thought for a bit. And it’s true. My heart aches for the longing for another baby, for things to feel complete. And I am still so sad and so angry that I am not pregnant now. And I wish I was, so badly. And I know another pregnancy isn’t going to make me feel better, it isn’t going to make everything magically ok. It will probably make things worse initially. And I also know that this might happen again.

I want to write about something else, anything else, I really do. But you know, no one asks about how you are doing once they think everything is over. I have some people who never even asks how I was after the D&C. I have no other place to put these feelings, and if I carry them around silently any longer I might not ever be ok again.

So I am here, sitting in my car in the parking lot watching it rain, and pouring my heart out here so that I can go home and try and be anything but how I feel inside, and hope that each day I can stop taking steps backwards and just move forward. Finally.

Cancer Conundrum

Weird title, I know, but I need some advice.

I mentioned in a few recent posts about a close friend of mine who at 43 is dealing with a recurrence of cancer. It is now in multiple areas of her body (lungs, brain, and subcutaneous areas) and is undergoing extensive treatments to try and prolong her life. She has so far done several rounds of radiation to different areas and has now started chemo.

She is extremely lucky in that she hasn’t been too sick (so far) and has mostly been able to carry on with life, minus working. She has been able to be out and about with her family and friends and been ok, which is amazing. While we are close, I am not in the inner circle of her life as I once was, as our kids started different schools and activities and our career paths diverged, but we have always been able to pick right back up where we left off. I am sure we all have friends that fall in to that category.

So what I need help with is I don’t know how to communicate with her now that she is facing this huge hurdle and her life is taken up by something so huge. I mean, I reach out and check on her and ask/offer to do whatever she might need, and she will reach out with any new medical news but that is about it. I ask about her family and if they can use any help or support, she is forthcoming with personal info about her and everyone, but then that’s about it because I don’t know, there’s just only so much, I am praying for you, that must be hard, what can I do, how are you doings you can ask in one conversation.

I feel...guilty if I talk about anything going on in my life, and she doesn’t ask anything at all, not even a “how are you”. Which is fine, I mean, I don’t expect her to have much else on her mind, when she is literally fighting for her life. The one time I mentioned anything about me (I was saying how I understood a teen issue because my daughter had had a similar thing) she didn’t acknowledge any of that. So I just stopped mentioning anything going on over here, but then the conversation stops because idk I just don’t know what else to say.

I am not mad about it, but I am trying to figure out if I should just try and keep talking with talking about what’s going on in my life. Personally I feel very guilty and terrible if I do talk about it. I mean, it’s not like she is bedridden and not out and about doing fun fall activities with her family, but it feels like she has to do all these things because it’s likely the last time she will get to fall, not because it’s just that time of year to do them, if that makes sense. I don’t want to talk about my life and make her feel bad or worse in any way, but I don’t know how else to carry on the conversation. If she weren’t so sick I would know how to talk to her, but I feel like what she is going through changes everything, changes all the rules. I have tried to imagine what I would want, and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be treated or talked to differently, but then again I literally can’t imagine what it must be like facing the reality that you might have to say goodbye to the world way too soon.

Does anyone have any experience with a friend or family member who has gone through this? Or been the one who was sick yourself? I would love any kind of advice anyone has. This has been weighting on me for a while now.