It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve just been taking time to heal myself. I am in a really good place...the meds are all working as they should and my anxiety is mostly under control. My moods are stabilized, my relationship with my kids has greatly improved. My marriage had reaped the benefits and we are in a really good place, too. Spending lots of quality time together, going in pretty regular date nights, and just sort of rediscovering each other in a new way as we get ready to celebrate our 20 years of marriage this summer. And I’ve managed to drop 30lbs, thanks to anxiety, but I’ll take it.
What has been in my mind a lot lately, though, is that every time I get to a good place, it all falls apart. Currently I’m taking several medications that are not conducive to pregnancy, and would really affect me in a negative way if I had to suddenly go off of them. Which has made me think really hard about the need to do something to prevent any chance of that happening. My cycles are wonky and unpredictable; I don’t think I’m ovulating quite as regularly anymore, and a lot of the signs of ovulation I don’t get consistently enough to be able to time anything. Plus, who wants to do that?!
I am frustrated that most choices for women are hormonal or otherwise invasive. I don’t mind condoms at all but my husband has a big problem with it. And yeah, I can understand that because after 20 years who really wants to start using condoms. I mean, really. So I started looking into getting a tubal ligation. But that is major surgery. And a big risk factor is that I have had 7 abdominal surgeries previously which could lead to complications during and after the procedure. I know a vasectomy is a much easier and less invasive procedure but honestly I don’t want to put my husband through that, even though he is willing. I would rather take on the operation myself before having him do that.
And then there is the whole emotional aspect of it. If I go through with that, everything would be final final. No going back. It sounds so silly because of my age and history, but I can’t help but feel like I might regret it, or come out being upset and mentally and emotionally affected by it in a negative way. It feels like a totally different thing vs letting nature run its course. And of course it seems silly given my history that I would even worry about accidentally getting pregnant right now...but whenever my life feels settled something always happens to throw a wrench into it, and I wouldn’t put it past the universe to throw me that curve ball right now.
If I decide to have the procedure, it wouldn’t be until the summer. So for now I am just taking some time to think on this. To listen to my head and my heart, and to come to a decision I know I can live with.
