Splitting the bill

I recently had a conversation with my teen about etiquette and being a good friend vs being taken advantage of. When her and her friends go out, I noticed she was paying the whole amount on her bank card, so I wanted to ask. At first she was saying that everyone would give her cash and she just used her card “to make it easier”, but then after talking more found out that one girl in particular would always order way more than she had cash to pay, and then act like she had no idea when the check came. I told her she must put a stop to this because that isn’t fair, and if it was one time ok, but if it happened every time she needed to talk to this friend.

Whenever my friends and I go out, we usually all tally up our portion and pay separately. Actually for years when 3 of my high school friends would go out, one girl would get the check and do the math for us so we would know what we owed, and then write charge amounts and last digits of credit card numbers on the check so the server could run correct amounts for us. Nowadays, I have one friend likes to use her rewards card so I will give her the cash if I have it and she will pay, but I always cover my share and tip. Another friend and I will sometimes take turns paying the check because it’s always about the same amount and it’s nice to rotate. It’s nice to know that the next time you go out, you don’t have to worry about it. And if I have the extra money, I like to offer to pay, knowing they will have my back next time.

We do that at work, too. We have a “breakfast club” on Saturdays  and somewhere along the line someone offered to treat everyone and it started a rotation quite naturally. Even though we sometimes have extra or different people who work each weekend, we include everyone and always keep the rotation going. (And we eat in the cafeteria so it’s not that expensive even if it’s 6 people). It’s cool because sometimes someone you bought breakfast for once happens to be working again, they always offer to pay, so no one takes advantage and it’s nice to be able to make someone’s morning. We never argue over who’s turn it is, everyone just sort of knows if it’s been a while since they paid that it’s their turn.

A couple weeks ago 2 of my coworker friends and I  got together for our July birthdays. One of the girls and I have been very close for over a decade and have gone out together before and we each pay our way. Well, this time when the check came this other girl said “Do you want to just split the bill 3 ways? That’s what I like to do”. Which makes sense on the surface. But. I was the only one who didn’t order alcohol, and the one girl had 2 alcoholic drinks, meaning our share wasn’t equal. I chose not to speak up because 1) I work with these people and didn’t want to make a situation awkward 2.) we were celebrating our birthdays, and I wanted to keep it about celebrating each other 3) It wasn’t so much about the money as it was the principle of the idea that splitting 3 ways doesn’t always make sense. 4) It wasn’t an expensive place so it wasn’t that much more money for me to spend. I guess I was immediately conscious of the fact that I didn’t spend as much and was annoyed that she didn’t seem to notice that, but then she did bring a birthday cake for us all and had me take the leftovers home, so how could I really stay mad for long? But I will definitely know that is how this other girl rolls when the check comes if we happen to go out outside of work again.

I did have one awkward experience with a check once. When we moved I used an old realtor friend, and we met for lunch a couple times during the process. She had paid the first time (business expense) but the second time I felt like I should/wanted to pay. She mentioned that the next time we went out it would be her turn to pay, that she owed me lunch. Several weeks later (and about a week before I went on maternity leave) she invited me out again and said she was bringing a girl we used to work with during our waitressing gig (someone who I wasn’t ever super close with or even kept in touch with, but the two of them were/did). I met them thinking it wasn’t my turn to pay (and didn’t have money budgeted to go because of maternity leave). Not only was the meal awkward and un-fun (I had my toddler who decided to not want to behave or eat or otherwise cooperate, and other girl had the most well behaved 1 year old ever) but the food was awful and the whole experience was odd because I really didn’t know this person (She kept talking about someone named Andy and I commented about her stepson and Andy ended up being her brother who they swear I know but I swear I don’t, and I for some reason though the guy she married had a kid) Anyway, the bill came and I didn’t move to pay, and it got weird with this other person looking at me oddly, my friend getting ready to pay, and the other girl fumbling around still looking at me weirdly and saying that our friend shouldn’t pay because it was her birthday the next day (Again, I’m not on Facebook and so I wouldn’t know birthdays like that and also, super pregnant, brain not working to catch the awkward) and so the two of them ended up splitting the check. It wasn’t until I thought about it later I realized how bad I must have looked to this other person, who probably had no idea the other girl had said she would pay next time. And maybe I should have waited to cash in on that when it was just the two of us and not some third person, but again Baby Brain. Anyway, months later when we were going to all 3 get together again I wrote in the group text chain “and I’m pretty sure I owe you all lunch this time” to kind of make up for that and acknowledge that I’m not a cheap ass. We never did end up geting together, but at least I sort of redeemed myself.

How do you work the bill when you go out?