empty

Four weeks ago I took a pregnancy test. I never expected it to be positive. In fact, I was taking the test so sure it would be negative, so I could call the hormone specialist I had been working with and tell her I thought some things needed to be adjusted. I had started having hot flashes again, and wicked mood swings and thought it was related to needing to adjust some of the supplements I was on.

A week after that, I got my first beta done and it was 400 something. Lower than I thought it should be but still in the normal range, and as I didn’t know exactly when I ovulated, thought it might be alright. A week after that I had a beta of 3100 something. Adequate increase if you account for the slow-down that happens over 1200. Again, in normal range on the charts. Still kept feeling like the numbers should be higher, but I had some cramping and breast tenderness and lots of nausea so I tried to think good thoughts, but I kept having a nagging feeling.

Another week goes by and I start to really wonder. I don’t feel crampy like I usually would through the first trimester, I have lots of energy, my symptoms aren’t getting worse, and I don’t feel the urge to pee often or have a fullness in my lower pelvis. I try to reason it all away, but it’s always there in the back of my mind. Another week later I have a scan where it’s just the sac, rough measurement of 5 weeks 2 days when I should be at least over 6 weeks, but probably more like 7.

I do the math everywhich way I can to try to make the measurement make sense. Did I find out super early? Maybe I really am only 5 weeks. But I got a positive test 3 weeks ago. I run beta numbers and account for slow down, trying to guess what my beta is. I twist the information every which way but just can’t figure it all out, and finally just give up and settle in the fact that something somewhere is wrong.

Last night a couple hours before I got off work the sono tech and I were talking and she asked about babies, and I told her unneeded a scan because I was pregnant but didn’t think it was ok. The sac was smaller than last week, no measurement but I could tell, and it was empty. Blighted Ovum it’s called. What they thought I had with my last baby which turned out to be tech error. But at this point it’s no error this time. 4 weeks since a positive test, 3 weeks since my 3100 beta. The tech felt awful, but I just knew. She also said it looked like the endometrium was thick and trying to shed, like a section of clot needed to come out. Probably couldn’t from the Progesterone I am on. She gives me a hug. I try and hold it together for my last 2 hours. I text my husband and tell him and ask him to handle telling the kids.

I just want to get to the safety of my car so I can feel the feels. Of course it has to be pouring down rain and lots of city traffic, so I cry as much as I can while trying to somewhat safely drive. The first thought I have is “I don’t get to keep you” which justbrios my heart into two. Then I think about coming home to a house full of people who were so happy and have to look them all in the eye, as if it is somehow my fault. I feel guilty I was ever so shocked or worried the test was positive, that maybe because I initially was a little scared that somehow I caused this to happen.

Before I got into bed I sadly took off my St. Gerard necklace. It was the first night I didn’t say the prayer novena to him. Today has been hard. I really want to just curl up in bed and stay there for a while but I can’t. And I am angry because I am still so nauseated and headachey thanks to these hormones that are still there, since I still have a gestational sac in my uterus. I am very angry I am feeling lousy for nothing. I put off calling my doctor at first. I just didn’t want to face it, and possibly have to put on clothes and go in for an appointment. I didn’t want to do any of that today. When my husband got home I took a nice hot bath, and dozed off in the run for about 20 minutes and it helped me feel a bit better. I called my doctor then, and he was so great about everything, expressing shock and sorrow. He gave me the choice of expected management (waiting to miscarry on my own) or a D&C. I am not super keen on having surgery, so I am opting to wait, but he told me he would do whatever I wanted. If I want this to be over quickly he would schedule me, but understands I might want to wait given I have had 5 uterine surgeries and it’s a little more complicated now. I am keeping my appointment with him in 2 weeks (which was supposed to be my 10 week prenatal appointment) and if I haven’t miscarried by then, a D&C is likely. But if I start bleeding I am to come in sooner so he can monitor everything to make sure I don’t hemorrhage.

And no, he won’t make me come in to verify. He knows I am in the imaging field and have always had my own scans in between appointments with him. I worked with him when I was a student and he was the attending at the same hospital, and we have a long history both personal and professional, and therefore a mutual trust. He knows I wouldn’t call him about this if I wasn’t sure.

So for now I am going to feel all the feels and just wait and pray I miscarry on my own. And in the meantime try to come to terms with this unexpected pregnancy and loss. Tonight I am just so very sad, although I can’t help but somehow at the same time feel lucky, because just down the road my dear friend is deciding on experimental treatments in a foreign country so she can save her life.