Stripped

I am feeling very stripped down and raw today. This post is going to be very honest. It is possible it may contain some triggering things, just in case you aren’t  in a good place to keep reading.

-In late spring we finished our attic and began the process of moving all of  our baby things up there, along with bins of my maternity clothes and anything extra that we could. Some things wouldn’t fit due to the small attic opening, but we did what we could. I tuned 40 and mentally started to move on from this life, trying not to sit in thought about it for too long because it is a very difficult thing for me to think too hard about. I started trying to process all of my first last’s that were happening every day. At some point I finally took all of my nursing bras out of my drawer and started finally wearing my old, regular ones again. It actually felt really good to do this.

-This summer we dealt with the most stressful situation ever, and that took so much out of me. It took me a very long time to even come to terms and some inner peace about what was happening and what it all meant for us. I don’t know a time I have ever been more on edge and physically sick from stress for such an extended period of time. I turned inside myself in a way I don’t think I have before. Around the time this situation was coming to a head and had not quite ended, and on the tail end of just coming back from burying my sister’s dad, I found out I was pregnant, incredibly unexpectedly.

-Finding out I was pregnant was a complete shock, and I almost didn’t have the mental capacity to process it, nor the emotional reserves to deal with it. It took me a while to be able to even wrap my head around it. I was scared, because our terrible situation was still not resolved, and I honestly had moments where I was seriously wondering what I was going to do. I had no idea how to handle this too. I just couldn’t come to terms with this. Not only that, but I don’t  even know when/how it happened in the first place. I coped with stress in unhealthy ways when I was away for the funeral, the stress was physically making me sick, and we use non-sperm-friendly lube. The timing of sex was also during my period so I was really puzzled, and I had been eating ibuprofen like candy for cramps and a knee injury.

-I didn’t want to tell anyone at first. After a few days of feeling turned upside down, my husband started to tell people. I only told my sister. I felt undeserving, I still do. I was still living in disbelief and utter panic. Because of everything else that was also still going on, I kept feeling anxious and as if the other shoe was going to drop at any moment. I started praying the novena I prayed everyday to the patron saint of expectant mothers that this baby would “see the light of day”. Once my husband told the older kids, I started wearing the necklace that represents that saint. I still kept the news to myself. I was taking my vitamins and got my progesterone and did the requisite serial betas and other early blood work which all looked good, despite me feeling like it wouldn’t be. I had a couple small symptoms but nothing to make me feel like any of this was going in the right direction.

-I reluctantly made my first doctors appointment, feeling so fearful, like I’m not really pregnant and I am going to go and look like an idiot. Normally I would have had multiple ultrasounds at work but I am so damn scared this time, like I am going to get devastating news while at work. Logging in to see my second beta was panic attack inducing. I started thinking about all worse-case scenario things that could happen at each stage, and got myself all tangled up in terrible thoughts about not wanting to go through another C-section procedure. All of this has been in my own head, I haven’t dared share any of this. Every single time I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I feel like I am projecting all of these worse case scenario things so that when the inevitable happens, I would have seen it coming and not be so taken by surprise. I refuse to engage in any hopeful, happy baby talk. I feel emotionally needy and vulnerable in a way that is very foreign to me.

-Meanwhile, my husband has told everyone it seems, and one person in particular who has made sure that everyone I know now knows. Despite my terrible feelings of doom and not wanting to tell people. Which proves that even husbands who have walked pregnancy loss with you don’t really understand the feelings and the repercussions, even years later. I don’t know what I am going to do when my phone starts blowing up with messages.

-This weekend I broke down and had a quick scan with less than hopeful results...sizes and dates don’t quite match up and so far there is no heartbeat or anything to be seen inside the sac, on the day when it had been 3 weeks since my first positive test and one week since my good second beta. So much ambiguity...tilted uterus, quick scan, questionable tech skills...I have not shared this information with anyone. Although what my beta should be about now, what we saw might make sense....the dates and whatnot don’t seem to so I am still in limbo, only worse because now there is some confirmation my feelings might not be so crazy after all. Hoping to keep myself together enough to make it to my doctors appointment in a couple weeks and find out for certain.

-Right as I was getting the information regarding my scan, I was also receiving some other devastating information about a close friend of mine. A rare cancer she was diagnosed with 3 years ago on her 40th birthday has spread to her lungs and brain and spine. I have known  her for over 20 years...our 4 girls are all very close in age...it’s just the most heartbreaking news one can even imagine. She is being surrounded by prayer and love, but everyone knows any treatments are just buying her time. As I thought about her and her family, I couldn’t help but feel like I couldn’t  possibly have any good news regarding this pregnancy when she was living such horrible news. I feel like there is no way it’s possible that during her 40th year she got a cancer diagnosis and during my 40th year I get a healthy pregnancy. She is also someone part of this Ali community, having experienced several pregnancy losses herself over the years. Someone who desperately wanted more children than she ended up with.

-My oldest daughter also came home with her first broken heart this weekend. My heart has been working overtime, and the tears just keep flowing.

-All of this news prompted me to look through old photos, the ones taken on real film before digital took over. I found lots of great old pictures of us before marriage, before kids, when we were all just starting out. I have them set aside, to make copies and get to her, as she is a big traditional scrapbooker. I have been trying to figure out what I can do for her that won’t be intrusive but be totally helpful. Our circles of people around us are much different now, and in the bigger picture I am not sure where I fit in exactly. Although I think maybe in times like these is doesn’t really matter.

-In all those pictures I found one of my 3rd Baby and I, my first son, in recovery with him on my chest, my chin resting on his head. And that picture that I haven’t seen in many years just cut a huge hole into my heart, and all my insides spilled out. And I sobbed so damn hard. And today I held my youngest and just cried on his head, tracing his sweet still-Baby features, while my heart just throbbed. Because I finally realized where all my fear is coming from, from wanting and needing these moments to never stop. And images of that picture of me and my son flashed through my mind, and I realize that I want that moment again. But I don’t think I am going to have that this time. And if that is the case, if that is what it turns out to be then I am going to make sure there’s is a permanent way of making sure this never happens again. That I have to protect my heart and try to repair some of the damage this has caused.

Below is the picture of my first son and I that has gutted my heart, and the picture of my sweet friend and I, a long, long time ago.