I have been having very vivid baby dreams lately. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to remind myself it was a dream, that I am not pregnant, that it wasn’t real. I have been waking up feeling very unsettled because of it, and very out of sorts in a way I can’t put into words. And I remember these dreams, although I usually don’t remember any dreams ever at all, and they stick with me.
We finally took the crib down from its place in our room next to our bed where it has been for about 3 years now. It hasn’t been slept in since our first night back from vacation last August, and then we had the news so we left it up. But two weeks ago I just couldn’t look at it anymore, and I asked my husband to take it down while I was at work that weekend. I came home to that empty space and it took my breath away, I think my hearted stopped beating for a moment before it resumed aching in my chest. The space is still there. I honestly can not even remember what we had there in its place when we first moved in. Nothing seems to fit.
I wish I could stop feeling so haunted.
This sounds so very hard. Sometimes the thing itself reminds you of a loss, and then removing it leaves that empty space where the thing once was, and it is just as (if not more) painful than the original item. Is there something you can put there, or rearrange, so that it doesn't continue on, haunting you? I'm so sorry you're having these dreams, and that you're feeling haunted. I feel that ache for you, and I hope that it eases.
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