more of the same

Thank you to everyone who sent well wishes and thought and prayers and love on my last post. It is amazing the support of this community.

Good news is there is nothing *major* going on in my brain. Bad news is that I’m still having the migraines and dizziness issues. Some days it’s much better than other, but so far there’s been no clear trigger that I can pinpoint. Which leaves them to believe it may be hormone related, in which case those migraines are harder to treat because they just don’t respond to conventional treatments as well.  I’m still waiting to do the extensive hormone testing...I was hoping to start this cycle but my period showed up a full week early and I didn’t get the test kit in time, and then it turned out the lab sent me the wrong kit anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered. UGH.

I started an anxiety med a few days ago. Lowest dose for 2 weeks then a bump up. So far I am waiting to see improvements, which can take anywhere from 2-4+ weeks. My new doctor (who is female) is amazing. She is supportive and kind and smart and reassuring. She doesn’t make me feel crazy. She hugs me after each appointment. I trust her when she says anxiety is likely playing a part in all of this. I feel like I have a good person in my corner here.

Through all of this I have had a lot of realizations about myself come to light. I’ve been processing some very deep buried stuff about myself. Nothing that is bad or traumatic, just things I had forgotten or didn’t fully realize about myself. It’s been an interesting several weeks in that regard. I’m trying to shift some focus on how crap I have been feeling and add back in small things that make me really happy and that are just for me. I’m trying to fake it until I make it. I’m trying to let go of things I’ve lost...time I’ve lost feeling bad, things I missed out on and couldn’t enjoy fully. I’m trying to get out there and just breathe the air and just be.

This might sound crazy to a lot of people. But sometimes it feels like a chore to just exist...like getting out of PJs and leaving the house is a struggle. I do it of course, but it causes me so much turmoil some days. I’m forcing myself to do more...sign up for extra shifts on my non-usual work days, get tickets to a show I will go to alone, booked another cheap ticket to go back to Chicago in 6 weeks. Forcing myself to do things that make me feel a little uncomfortable if I think about it too long.

I have also been trying to make peace with the end of my “fertile” years. I’m trying hard to find other things to fill the void, to fill the sadness. But nothing really fills that baby shaped hole in my heart. I am not sure why I am having so much trouble letting go. When I sit and think too long about it it makes me incredibly sad. I am trying to find other things about my body to celebrate, but it is very hard when my body seems to be revolting against itself at every turn. I had to seek help to get my faith and Travis piercings back in  that I had to remove for my MRI (damn tiny tension balls) and so I decided to reclaim something for myself. I got my nipples re-pierced. I had taken them out 6 years ago but I have no reason now not to keep them. It is just one small thing in trying to shift my focus.

I don’t make resolutions but it seems 2020 is going to be a transitional year for me. I don’t know that I am really ready but like life it seems to be happening whether I am ready or not so I may as well try to embrace it and go with the flow as much as I can. Fighting it seems futile.