There’s no way any of this was ever going to be smooth sailing. The truth isn’t a magical cure for all the hurt that was caused. It doesn’t erase the feelings of sadness, anger, pain. It doesn’t erase the distrust, the doubts, the fear.
It takes digging very deep within myself to find the courage and strength and love I need to get us through this. And it’s exhausting...I’ve been living in this space for weeks, months now...and I’m so tired.
Sometimes, like right now, it’s all I can do not to just curl up in a ball and cry. To shut the world out and just grieve and cry until I have nothing left. But I don’t have that luxury. And even if I did, I couldn’t because my husband needs me more. I have to be brave and strong for him.
But what happens when I waiver, when I don’t feel strong, or like I can’t emotionally handle much more? What happens when I feel like all these things have broken me, too?
It’s just a phase, it will eventually pass and somehow I will summon the strength to keep going for both of us, until we can both hold our own again.
It’s just that right now I feel like I’m sinking. Who’s gonna save me from drowning?
I say this gently, and I say this with love: you don't HAVE to be strong for anyone. Moreover, sometimes giving room for your grief to live so that you can heal IS being strong. It took me a long time to realize that strength doesn't look just one way. It can look like curling up in a ball, crying, and going through that deeply uncomfortable experience so that more healing can happen. Perhaps that's even a greater strength than the alternative of holding it together and continuing on. For me, giving room to grief when I'd been taught to always hold it together required more strength and more courage.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can give yourself the space and the love to get your own head above water before worrying about others, about image, about anything but you. You deserve that.
I agree with NotMyLinesYet- you are allowed to grieve in this process as well. You have been married a long time and although you said that you can now put the pieces together, this is unexpected and new.
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