Hoop-Jumping

So I wrote several posts back about how I ended up getting sick and needing to use my PTO when I had been saving it for my maternity leave, and how I was going to come up short for the week I had to cover before my paid leave kicked in. Well...the best laid plans, indeed.

Let me start by saying I work for a major hospital in a busy city, one complete with an entire Women's Health building and countless awards and Top of The lists and all that jazz. So imagine my surprise when I researched the maternity leave policy, which isn't even maternity leave as it falls under short term disability, and find that it's rather...lacking. 6 weeks for a vaginal delivery, 8 weeks for a C-section, both at 66 2/3% pay, and you have to cover your first 7 days and benefits kick in on day 8. Go America. Anyway...

I started researching this early so I would know exactly what I was getting, as the policy is a blanket one and has a lot of nonsense that doesn't apply if you are pregnant vs. injured or otherwise unable to work. Plus a coworker had warned me that due to the unclear policy, she got paid for far less time than she thought she would and advised me to look into it. I filled out the forms in August, my doctor filled out his part (which wrote me out for 12 weeks due to it being my 5th C-section, which they promptly rejected/neglected to take into account) and I spoke on the phone with the 3rd party who handles the paperwork and approvals of claims. I went over my plan of my last date of work, date of delivery, ect and had them confirm the first date I would start being paid, and that yes I could use my PTO time to cover those first 7 days no problem. As long as I didn't try and use PTO to make up the 33% difference to receive full pay stating on day 8 I was fine. I asked about the 12 weeks my doctor wrote me out for but was told that was not something they would approve ahead of time and that closer to 8 weeks post-pardum my doctor would have to submit a statement and medical records to back up this request and it would still need approval.

So back to me getting sick a few weeks before baby...I thought I was going to be short on PTO time, but due to our ridiculous system it is super hard to decipher how much time you actual have in the middle of a pay period. What you have earned isn't updated and any time off-either requested or used- may or may not be deducted from your shown available balance. The projection calculator is useless as well for the for the same reasons. I was able to figure out that I did in fact just have enough PTO left to cover those first 7 days after all, even after being sick. Plus, it looked like I would still get my Thanksgiving holiday time and could use that as well. Before I worked my last shift, I filled out the paperwork you have to do when you are off work for any reason, even though it's all done through the computer as well. But my supervisors won't actually manually put in your vacation hours if you don't fill out the forms.

The day I had the baby my mom called and reported it to Short Term Disability, since I was too drugged up to do so. Even though my last day of work was the week before and all my claims paperwork stated that date, she answered that my first day out was delivery day. So the following week I get a letter with my approval...only everything is approved for a week later, so now I was going to need another entire week of PTO to cover myself, which I didn't have. I was able to log in look at my time card and it was all sorts of wrong. Despite filling out the forms and following up with my supervisors via email the night before I went in to have the baby, they still didn't have my time card correct. I emailed them and was told because I was on leave now, HR fixes my time card not them. Okay, fine. So I spend 2 days leaving messages but never get a hold of the lady. Which is funny because 3 days before this-exactly ONE WEEK-after I gave birth, I was getting emailed asking about my return date to work my these same 2 people.

I ended up calling every branch of HR trying to figure out who can help me, as it's now Friday and the pay period closes Saturday and time cards are sent first thing Monday morning. Someone calls me back and tells me the 3 people who work in the department I need to help me and that I can talk to any of them. I leave more messages and 4 hours later call back. I talk to one pretty unhelpful person who advises me to call the Short Term Disability company to get them to adjust my date back (pregnant employees can take up to 2 weeks off before delivery/due date) and my pay would be retroactive on the following pay cycle. But I would still be short/screwed for this one. I asked about my holiday leave, and was given a stupid non-answer that didn't apply to me and made no sense.

I called Disability and they put in a request for an adjusted date, but advised that it was still subject to investigation/approval, but since my employer has a policy stating I could be out 2 weeks before delivery it should be fine. So I call HR back to let them know this but also to see if they can do anything about my screwed up time card, as I should have some PTO I can put in to cover missing days. I finally talk to someone smart, who researched everything and not only put my holiday PTO in, but also put my short term disability pay in so I wouldn't miss any paid time. And before all of that when she was getting all the info about dates taken off/date baby was born, ect she asked how everything went and how everything was going, which was a first in all this mess! I was so thankful she fixed everything for me like it wasn't an issue when the lady before her acted like she couldn't help me at all. I told her Disability was working on getting the date updated so they would have correct paperwork at some point.

So today, disability calls to ask me about the dates. The woman gave me the third degree about why I didn't work my 20 hours before going to the hospital at 6am Monday morning to have a C-Section. I basically had to justify/defend why I didn't work. That is wasn't official like my doctor said I couldn't work, but that it was common sense as there is no light duty at my job and I am on my feet and lifting patients, and it being my 5th C-section going into labor isn't an option for me, and in fact very dangerous. I also told her I had already worked it out with my HR department, and that my original claim paperwork clearly laid all this out. But no one is looking at that. I don't get it...why have a policy stating you can do X, then make it so hard for someone to actually utilize it??

It's really annoying to have done so much legwork beforehand when I sort of had the time, and to still be dealing with and straightening this out now while I am taking care of a newborn and don't really have the time, just so I am properly paid my reduced disability pay. I am really jealous of you friends in Canada who I know get an entire year!

MicroBlog Monday-Reflecting

Mel wrote a post a couple weeks ago about searching the Internet for something she read years prior. It reminded me of something I had recently found after years of periodically searching google. It was a poem (I guess you would call it a poem) about growing up in the 1980's. I first came across it 20 years ago and it became this neat reflection we used in our senior year of highschool. I don't even know how I first came across it, as it was in the early days of the Internet back then, and I didn't yet have an email address or even a computer that could access the Internet at home. But it was light and nostalgic and a feel-good piece. Although I wasn't born in the 80's, all of my childhood memories happened then, and this piece touched on that. In an effort to keep this blog Micro, here is the link to read this annomyous poem

Finding this and reading it again, coupled with the news coming out of Paris this weekend made me think: what is this generation going to have to remember fondly? It seems like there is more violence than ever. Maybe it is the instant access we have now; every news website has more horrific stories and headlines than any one person needs to read in a day. Maybe these awful things happened but we didn't hear about them with the frequency that we do now, when war is reported in real time. Maybe the 1980's really were as idealistic as people remember them to be. And sure there is a lot of good in the world still today, that I would like to believe overshadows the bad. But when the news out of Paris and shootings on school campuses around the US become more commonplace vs. a rare occurrence, it really makes me wonder. What poem about the 20-10s are going to be written? What are the children of this generation...my kids, my nieces and nephews, my friend's children-what are they going to remember?

HE's Here!!

Bonus Baby Boy is one week old already! Everything regarding his delivery and hospital stay was completely flawless. He's perfect and thriving, breast feeding is going smoothly, although he started out as a lazy nurser and I worked hard in the hospital to make sure we came home with no feeding issues, and he is proving to be a pretty chill and easy baby so far. I feel so beyond lucky. There is so much I want to say but I really have no brain power to write a post that does any of this justice.

Transitioning home after 4.5 days away has been a challenge. Toddler Baby Boy had a super hard time with my absence, as he had grandmothers caring for him and it's just not the same. So I have some mommy guilt going on. The first day home was really hard on my heart, but it's getting better. Today is the first day it's just me and the little guys, and it is nice to get back to some semblance of normal. It is definitely helping toddler baby boy, for sure, to realize mommy is back and everything is ok in his little world. He is very unsure of the baby and cries when baby cries as if it scares him. I am not pushing and letting him slowly warm up to him. He is just old enough at 21 months to make this a harder transition then when I had a 15 month old and a new baby a decade ago.

So we are all adjusting. Physically I am doing ok but I am pushing myself, but I really have no choice. I haven't had anything stronger than Motrin since I left the hospital. Not that I couldn't use it, but I can't afford to be doped up, either. I go for my post-op visit later today and I am sure I will hear about it from my doctor but he also knows me well enough to expect this.

Then there is that whole business of "are we done" having kids people have been asking me for months. After going through 8 years of IF, I am not so inclined to want to prevent anything and to rather let nature take its course. I still feel like I have it in me to have another child, as crazy as that may seem. I know how blessed and lucky I am. And I don't take for granted the fact that I got to do this as many times as I have, despite not being able to for so many years in between. I prayed on it before, and I will continue to pray and let God lead me. There was a reason He made me wait 8 years. I am going to continue to trust in Him.

On another note, I can't wait for my hormones to regulate some. I alternate between freezing cold and breaking out sweating all day long, and all night, too. Right now I am ice cold but my house is holding steady at 70 degrees.

Halloween-A Love-Hate Relationship

Growing up I loved Halloween. Everything about it, from deciding on a costume, to getting dressed and the anticipation of waiting until it was just dark enough to leave the house, to the frantic running from house to house yelling "trick or treat" and breathless "thank yous" to sitting and sorting and trading all the candy with other neighborhood kids or my siblings. My parents walked with us every year until about middle school, when we were allowed to go out into the neighborhood by ourselves. Sometimes it was my siblings and I, sometimes there were a few friends. I remember going to a couple parties over the years, but they were never actually on Halloween, and they were always completely kid parties and they were always pretty low key, nothing outrageous. As I got older we still went out just for the heck of it to be silly and see if we could get away with getting candy. I usually could due to my super short stature I sort of blended right in with the kids. It was always a night to be running about in costume being goofy kids. One year my older brother filled a backpack with eggs, toilet paper, and shaving cream for me but I think we ended up using it to have a battle with each other rather than cause any destruction. There were always tons of kids all running around, and parents with the younger kids, but I remember it more as a kids holiday, as in everything was for and about the kids.

The first few years with my own kids, Halloween followed pretty much the same as it had when I was a kid. My husband loves Halloween also, so we would sometimes dress up with the kids and trick or treat together, and we always had our house done up with tons of cool decorations and jack o lanterns we carved. When we moved into one really busy neighborhood, we took turns taking the kids and handing out candy, and it was a busy neighborhood but the kids were also mostly polite and everyone was nice and festive. There were several houses that went all out with decorating and people would congregate along the sidewalk oohing and aaahing over the display. My kids were still pretty young then.

Over the last few years, though, there has been some shift in the whole idea of Halloween it seems. I don't know if this is typical of everywhere, if anyone else is noticing this, or if maybe it is just the area or people I know. But it has become a day where the parents are using it as an excuse to have a party and the kids sort of become secondary.

Where we had previously lived the past few Halloweens was on a dead-end street with very little foot traffic, so we would go around the corner to a big town-house neighborhood that is just huge, it is like its own little community. It is a highly sought after place to live in that city, and while there are tons of families and kids, it is also one where everyone knows your name and what you are up to, and it's also very social, with mini block parties gathering on any random day, because there is no escaping when you just want to sit alone outside. Many people live there for that social aspect, to me it's a turn-off. I need my space and privacy. Anyway. The past few years trick or treating there nearly every adult you pass is carrying a red solo cup of some type of alcohol and the atmosphere is one of a giant outdoor party. There are literally thousands of kids running around in costume and parents just hanging out partying.

Last year I ran into parents from my kids school who were absolutely trashed drunk, some by the time it was just getting dark were already slurring words and smelling of alcohol. I love a cocktail as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place for it and I just don't agree with trick or treating with your kids being one of them. It was like an excuse for the parents to just party because it was a Friday night. Here we are trick or treating with our brood of kids, one who was a baby, and people are inviting us in to party after party, right in front of my kids who don't really understand that it's not a party for them. More than a couple people told us when we made it to their street to just go in and help ourselves, door was open. It was all just very crazy and completely ridiculous to me.

This year we had already decided to stay in our new neighborhood this year. We want to see how it is trick or treating up here, we have family plans in the morning, we have a toddler who may or may not cooperate with the entire evening, my teen and her friends want to use our house to hang out and be in and out all evening, and I will be having a baby 2 days later. I just want to be able to relax. So of course the invites to these "all-invited, family parties" start coming, and the classmates are all talking about the parties and trick or treating together. The first one was from a former classmate of my son. We still see them, but the mom is homeschooling this year. She texted me and I was able to keep it under wraps and not say anything to my kid, I explained to her everything from above and it was all good. Until my son heard about it this week and first got upset when he thought he wasn't invited, and then when I said no we weren't going to be able to do that this year.

Then my middle girl brings home an invitation to a party. That is for the entire family, but starts at 1pm. First of all, if parents are starting to party that early, who the hell is going to be sober enough to take the kids out to trick or treat?? Because these people party hard. There are far too many people out in this neighborhood to keep track of your kids, and I wouldn't send my 9 and 11 years olds out alone, not there. It's so busy you can't even use the sidewalk. Plus, over that many hours, what am I doing with my toddler with no home base of my own when he has had enough? I am certainly not driving 30 minutes back and forth just to appease my older kids. The whole thing is just a mess. And neither of these parties are in the same neighborhood, either. There's also that. And the fact that when you are not drinking and everyone else is, everyone else is really not tolerable or funny or anything else.

My 2 middle kids got together and tried to plot together that they could both get to do these parties, and everyone (read THEY) would be happy. I have been hearing about this for days now. Last night I was just done with it so I sat them down and explained that it wasn't a kids party really. That is was an adult party with kids there, and that it was an excuse for parents to get together and act stupid. I explained about how we were going to have our own plans in the morning as a family with going back to the farm to do our hayride and actually pick apples this time after we have our big family breakfast. That we will be living here for a long long time and we should try and see what things were like on Halloween in our new neighborhood. That we decorated and so kids would be expecting us to be here handing out candy. I was still getting a lot of mean faces and pouting, so I got mean. I told them if what we had planned wasn't going to be good enough then they could make the choice to bring me their costumes and they could skip trick or treating this year completely. And how they were being selfish and ungrateful, and how lucky they were to actually even know what Halloween is. They are probably still a little mad at me, but I won't hear about it again I guarantee that.

I am just so annoyed that the past few years this is what Halloween has turned into. Drunk parents and parties and kids mad because I won't let them go to these things. Why can't it just be trick or treating and be about the kids for 2 hours and everyone go home and gorge on candy? That's the very best part. People I am friendly with I couldn't even look at because they were so obviously inebriated. It's just ridiculous and uncalled for.

Ok, this turned out way more ranty than I started it out to be. Has anyone else noticed this or experienced this? I am really curious!

That Life Changing Moment

Life is made up of a series of life-changing moments, really. Everything that happens in our lives has the ability to alter us in some way. There are a million things I could say that changed my life. Meeting my husband changed the course of my life, for sure. Each child I had changed my life. Every job I have had and friend I have made has changed my life in some way. Most of these things are all more of a look-back realization. As in, I knew when I was holding my first baby that my life would change, but the impacts of that change I probably didn't acknowledge until much later.

There is one particular moment in my life that changed my life in a profound way. It was such a huge moment that while it was happening I physically felt the change happen, and I mentally acknowledged it at the same time. It wasn't the birth of any of my children, or the day I got married, or even the day my father died.

It was when I held my father in my arms.

My Dad had been sick with cancer that had spread to his brain and bones. Toward the end my mom and I were his hospice care at home. We watched him get sicker and weaker before our eyes. I am not trying to gloss over the details, but they would be horrible to read, and even more horrific for me to try and write and relive. But suffice it to say it was awful and worse than you could dare to imagine. He gradually went from being in bed most of the time to being in bed all of the time, his body crippling up and wasting away. Because he had cancer in his bones, he was particularly sore in his left hip and leg. One day at work my mom called and asked if I could come over to help clean him up and change him when I got off, because she knew he was in so much pain she didn't want to try and do it herself and jostle him and hurt him.

When I got there and went into their bedroom she was just pulling the sheets back and I stopped in the doorway and was struck by the site. My first thought was that my dad laying there crippled up and wasted away from the disease and not eating looked like Jesus on the cross, all skin and bones. I went right over and knelt on the bed, one arm under his neck and shoulders, the other arm at his side to support the sore hip and turned him towards me all the while apologizing to my dad because I knew it hurt. With that movement my big strong father was cradled in my arms like a child. My world literally stopped in that moment, as the weight of the situation washed over me. It was like lightning struck and the clarity about what was happening just hit me. I actually felt my world change in that moment. A seismic shift occurred and I knew that my view of the world was always going to be darker, that I was always going to be darker, for the rest of my life. My father, the first person on earth who held me in his arms when I was born, my first human protector in my life who had held me this way so many times, was now cradled in my arms and I was protecting him. I remember looking down at my arms and then looking up at my mom and she asked "what?" Because of the look on my face and I couldn't even speak. I was completely overwhelmed by the realization of what was happening.

From that day forward, my life has not ever been the same. My view of the world is a little darker than before. I am more cynical than before, and I don't have as much hope as I once had. Where I might have seen situations with rose-colored glasses and been slightly more positive...I am definitely jaded and it is harder for me to see the light in things. When I hear about cancer diagnosis, my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario, knowing cancer and the havoc it causes and the inevitable outcome.

I don't remember the timeline of that day, but I know it wasn't too far away when he actually died. I just know that even more so than the day he died, that day changed my life forever.

MicroBlog Mondays-We Have Shark Teeth

I can't remember how old I was exactly, but somewhere between the ages of 5-10, I noticed a weird bump on the roof of my mouth. It was sore, like I scraped it on some food, so I didn't say anything. But one day I felt a pointy object protruding from the roof of my mouth with my tongue and told my mom. A trip to the dentist and subsequent x-rays revealed I had a tooth growing straight down from the roof of my mouth that they wanted to take out. There was also one growing in the same spot but straight upward that they were going to leave in. They put me to sleep and had to cut the tooth from my palate. I remember having stitches but little else. (I had tons of teeth pulled when I was little, and put to sleep quite a few times for the procedures, so it was no big deal to me.)

When my oldest child was in first grade her teeth started growing in crooked. Unlike when I was little, they don't pull teeth to make room anymore, rather they start orthodontia treatment. On our first consult (with the same guy who out braces on my teeth way back when) he pointed out an extra tooth on her x-ray. Hers is located above all the other teeth and isn't in the way at all, and won't ever break through, so it's just a quirky finding on her, although he was fascinated that I also had this strange extra tooth thing, too.

We just all went to the dentist a couple weeks ago, and my 9 year-old son has been discovered to also have one extra tooth above his front adult teeth. We have to go for a consult to be sure, but it is likely another benign finding that makes us all a little quirky. The technical term is supernumerary teeth or hyperdontia. Otherwise known in my family as shark teeth.

Closing a Chapter You Didn't Realize Was Ending

I have to write about this. I need a place to put all these conflicted feelings. This will be the last time I write about this topic, so please bear with me. I welcome any insight or shared experiences in the comments.

My best friend has ended our friendship completely. It feels like one of those things where you have an argument with someone that escalates so quickly and turns into a huge blow up, where everyone is left at the end totally hurt and you have no idea how you even got to this point or what even started the fight to begin with. Only in this situation, there was no argument and no big blow up. Someone just decided to walk away. And it wasn't me.

I wrote earlier today a small blurb about how my friend completely lashed out at me when she asked the night before about doing something and I stated I already had plans. I did not want to say the wrong thing and make things worse, although I kept having this nagging feeling that no matter what I said it was going to be the wrong thing or it wouldn't even matter. And I was right. I actually consulted with an older (in age) friend of mine who tends to have much better perspective on these types of situations. She has a way of looking at things from both sides and generally gives pretty good advice on how to handle things and not make a situation worse.

Without rehashing every single thing that was said, there were a few key things that sort of came up/ came to light:

My friend is going through some issues of her own in regards to her situation in life right now. Single with no kids, and over the past few months her last 2 other single friends have settled down and gotten married. The last girl in our "group" from high school is having her first baby. She mentioned being the only one who has none of those things. This is all her issue though because neither I nor none of our other friends would ever make her feel less or not include her or anything like that simply because she isn't a parent. No one has ever even made an issue out of this, so I don't know where this is coming from.

She is unhappy about her own life and instead of trying to make changes to make herself happy, she is choosing to make it everyone else's fault and responsibility to make her happy and give her life fulfillment. Which no one can do for you.

She thinks that I talk to and see everyone else I know but her. This couldn't be further from the truth. The last time I went out in the evening anywhere it was with her and another high school friend of ours. I simply don't have the time or the bank account to be a social butterfly.

Every single thing that she is upset about is completely my fault. She has not done anything at all to contribute to the state of things. I did not play the tit for tat game and took the high road and never said any of the things I could have about her behaviors or anything else. I did not want to make things worse. It wouldn't have mattered if I had.

That I am a terrible friend for not responding to texts in a timely enough manner, especially when I am at work. Well. Besides the fact that I am, ya know, at WORK, I don't actually have a desk job where my phone sits right next to me. I don't carry my phone with me, and I run all over the hospital. In my main area, we have spotty to no cell reception and texts lag behind or get lost a lot of the time. My own husband has to email me because I have a better shot at seeing that at some point than a text. The exception is iPhone to iPhone since they can use the wifi. Which is also super spotty in my main area.

That I hurt her by mentioning texting any of our other friends because I don't talk to her enough, so naturally I shouldn't talk to anyone else, either. I don't even know what to say about that. Other than I barely text with anyone else to begin with, and in the specific situation she was referring to, it was in regards to a shower evite where hers and my email addresses used were our old ones, I figured all this out, corrected the sender, and let her know what happened to keep her in the loop so she didn't get left out.

I tried being sympathetic and empathize with her and acknowledge that I knew our relationship was different now, but by nature it had to be. I tried to let her in to where I was coming from, that my "time" isn't really my time and that it takes a lot to balance the family I have. I apologized for the way she felt and said that I was doing the best I could. I tried explaining that of course at some point the paths we chose for our lives were not always going to be able to match up. I tried being reasonable and respond to each thing she told me that I "did" that hurt her and give the side that she missed or didn't see. I apologized over again and said it was never my intention to make her feel less than when she said she felt that I didn't want to be bothered with her because she doesn't have kids. I tried being rational when she said it hurt her I had plans with another friend today...plans in the middle of a weekday when she would normally be working, when I didn't even know she would be off of work on a random Thursday.

She told me to "not break her heart anymore" and keep my teen, her god daughter away from her. I gently reminded her that I was not the one who promised a birthday dinner and cancelled at the last minute, and never tried to reschedule with her. She claims to be in an understanding with my teen, but my teen still feels slighted and confused about things. And I would not ever put my child in the middle, to insinuate that is just beyond hurtful and ridiculous, but again I didn't say anything.

I did not fight with her. I did not say anything mean or nasty or hurtful. I left any old or extraneous things out of it. And she ended the friendship anyway, saying "good luck with the new baby" and that she was honest and doesn't feel bad for anything, and that I spoke my piece too and we could just move on.

I never truly thought ending the friendship was an option or possibility. I only ever said I knew right now I couldn't be the same kind of friend. I guess what I can offer right now isn't good enough and she would rather just end the friendship than settle for less. It is interesting to me that she has taken this stance with me but yet lets guys walk all over her and use her and still keeps them around, but yet I am expendable.

I have never ended a friendship or had one ended intentionally. What I have experienced is a natural progression of friendships that evolve and change over time. There are people who I used to know well at some point in my life, but as we move through life they fall away or we lose touch and it's no one's fault really it is just life. I have never gotten so upset about my place in someone's life where I was so inclined to just say screw it and actually end a friendship. I generally understand that this is how life goes, and I am busy enough in my own life to not have any one friendship define me or be the be all end all. I have never felt the need to be so extreme. I guess I just don't see the point or the sense in just cutting off a friendship completely because it can't be exactly the same as it once was, or it can't be exactly what you want it to be. There is a difference between accepting that that's life and that these things happen and it's not anyone's fault. I guess for me the people in my life I would rather have in my life the way they can give me versus an ultimatum that it has to be a certain way or else. I would rather have my friends knowing I can send a quick text and get some support anytime I need it versus not having them in my life at all because they can't be available every Wednesday and Saturday night to hang out with me, you know?

I didn't make the choice to end this friendship. It isn't a choice I would have ever made. I feel very sad that this was the choice she felt she had to make, that if I couldn't offer her a full committed best friend relationship then she didn't want any relationship at all. I feel upset that I wasn't good enough, or enough. I don't really understand why she felt she needed to end our friendship. I also am confused as to why it is okay for our other friends to get a pass because they have crazy lives, but I don't. That I am held to some other unattainable standard but no one else is, and it's okay for everyone else but I just cause her hurt and heartbreak so I can't be her friend. I truly think at the end of the day it has more to do with her than it has to do with me or anything I may have done or not done. I just wish it didn't play out this way.