I don't do New Years resolutions. I actually really resent the fact that because the calendar year changes, we are expected to make a bunch of unattainable goals and then feel bad about ourselves when we inevitably fail.
But. I have been in a rut and I need to do something starting NOW to get myself out of it. I need a fresh start. I have some lifestyle changes I want to make. I want, no I NEED, to start taking some time to put myself first...or at the very least not dead last to the point of being forgotten.
This last year has been a wonderful blessing, but MAN was it challenging, in a whole host of aspects. Being a mom to a new baby and a demanding toddler is hard; being mom to a teenager is even harder. Trying to juggle all the balls was more than a little insane. Somehow in this last year I have managed to really lose myself. I made myself so unimportant to myself that it rubbed off on those I live with...I started to feel unimportant to them, too. The holidays were very hard. Everything just kind of came to a head...it was like everything I was trying to do for everyone else didn't even matter to anyone. I started to feel like I didn't matter. Like no matter what I did it wasn't ever going to be enough. And I just really lost it.
On top of my fragile emotional state, there is the physical yuck I have been feeling. I gained a bit of weight over the last 6 months, partly from a medication I was on, and partly from putting myself dead last. I didn't take are of myself when it came to eating and getting any real excercise. My clothes don't fit right...even my "fat" clothes feel snug. And I just don't feel well. I feel fat and unattractive and frumpy and just gross.
I am going to be completely honest here and say that I don't get much support at home when it comes to things like this. Basically the general feeling is one of indifference, so long as it doesn't affect the rest of the house. This also doesn't help my emotional well being, but it is what it is. I've shed plenty of tears over this but it's not something that is ever going to change. It does make me feel a little like the love is conditional. Which really sort of sucks.
So, on my own, I am going to try to start putting myself above some other things. I am going to try to get a workout in everyday, and I am going to try to feed myself properly and not be so busy with everyone else that I only have time to grab a sugared up cup of coffee. I am going to work on my mental well being, as well. I can't tell you how much it sucks to be 38 and still feel like crap about your body. How probably now the comparing myself to others nonsense has come back with a vengeance like it hasn't done since middle school. For a long time I was Ok with myself, but something happened to my body image since having these last 2 babies and my self-esteem has just taken a nose dive. And it's all in my head because no one has made me feel that way, I assure you.
So...if anyone out there has any support they can give, I could sure use it. Right now I feel all alone. And it's scary.