About Me

I am an insane human being. I have been a wife for 15 plus years, and a mom for almost as long. I had 3 children early on...then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years. Thought our family was complete, so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets. Then we were surprised that our luck changed. Our running total is Parents: 2, Kids: 5, Pets:4. My life is far from perfect, and much of our happiness was hard fought and won, from the death of a parent, job loss and marriage troubles, miscarriage and IF, we have been through it all, and dare I say we made it, with a lot of love and laughter, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Monday, January 2, 2017

MicroBlog Monday's: Getting Better

I don't do New Years resolutions. I actually really resent the fact that because the calendar year changes, we are expected to make a bunch of unattainable goals and then feel bad about ourselves when we inevitably fail.

But. I have been in a rut and I need to do something starting NOW to get myself out of it. I need a fresh start. I have some lifestyle changes I want to make. I want, no I NEED, to start taking some time to put myself first...or at the very least not dead last to the point of being forgotten.

This last year has been a wonderful blessing, but MAN was it challenging, in a whole host of aspects. Being a mom to a new baby and a demanding toddler is hard; being mom to a teenager is even harder. Trying to juggle all the balls was more than a little insane. Somehow in this last year I have managed to really lose myself. I made myself so unimportant to myself that it rubbed off on those I live with...I started to feel unimportant to them, too. The holidays were very hard. Everything just kind of came to a head...it was like everything I was trying to do for everyone else didn't even matter to anyone. I started to feel like I didn't matter. Like no matter what I did it wasn't ever going to be enough. And I just really lost it.

On top of my fragile emotional state, there is the physical yuck I have been feeling. I gained a bit of weight over the last 6 months, partly from a medication I was on, and partly from putting myself dead last. I didn't take are of myself when it came to eating and getting any real excercise. My clothes don't fit right...even my "fat" clothes feel snug. And I just don't feel well. I feel fat and unattractive and frumpy and just gross.

I am going to be completely honest here and say that I don't get much support at home when it comes to things like this. Basically the general feeling is one of indifference, so long as it doesn't affect the rest of the house. This also doesn't help my emotional well being, but it is what it is. I've shed plenty of tears over this but it's not something that is ever going to change. It does make me feel a little like the love is conditional. Which really sort of sucks.

So, on my own, I am going to try to start putting myself above some other things. I am going to try to get a workout in everyday, and I am going to try to feed myself properly and not be so busy with everyone else that I only have time to grab a sugared up cup of coffee. I am going to work on my mental well being, as well. I can't tell you how much it sucks to be 38 and still feel like crap about your body. How probably now the comparing myself to others nonsense has come back with a vengeance like it hasn't done since middle school. For a long time I was Ok with myself, but something happened to my body image since having these last 2 babies and my self-esteem has just taken a nose dive. And it's all in my head because no one has made me feel that way, I assure you.

So...if anyone out there has any support they can give, I could sure use it. Right now I feel all alone. And it's scary.

4 comments:

  1. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a cheat day. :) Good luck on getting healthy. I know I need to make some changes too. The hardest part is starting. Especially when it comes to regular exercise again.

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  2. I will say that as much as I hate My Fitness Pal, it helps to track everything that goes in my mouth. At least when I go over calories for the day, I know why I went over calories for the day. And it makes me feel guilty enough that I grab the apple instead of the crackers. (Even though I love the crackers.)

    It sounds like you need to choose something new, something that is entirely yours that you throw yourself into and enjoy the time you spend doing it. That's why I'm doing backgammon -- it's just something for me that challenges me. And I love it when I have all the strategy books spread out and I'm studying the game and feeling like I'm changing myself in the process.

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  3. I offer you support. I remember the same apathetic response from my ex when I would try to get excited about a new regime to a healthier me. It was deflating, to say the least. I can also understand your unease with your body. I have hated my body since it gave me boobs in third grade. Infertility did not make our relationship any easier. I need to find a way to love my body because I feel that it what stops me (mentally) from changing my bad eating habits into making healthier choices. Wishing you the best of luck in this New Year!

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  4. I offer you support and love! I have a friend who is always putting everyone else first, and I was so proud of her today because she took time to go get a massage at a very stressful time. I think putting yourself first from time to time isn't selfish, it's survival. It's the whole "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help others" thing -- you can't be as effective for everyone else if you're running on a thread. I'm sorry you're feeling frumpy and gross and it doesn't feel like you are getting anything but apathy at home. Maybe can you sign up for a fitness class that will be fun and give you some you-time? Carve out several days per week to do something invigorating for yourself, even if it's at home? My best friend, who is a stay-at-home mom of three, started doing the Insanity and then T-25 dvds at home, waking up a bit earlier to get in a 25 minute workout and she said it saved her. Now she sneaks out to crazy yoga classes and barre, and she says those hourlong workouts keep her sane. Starting with something manageable was key and knowing that sometimes life gets in the way and that doesn't have to shut you down kept her going. I hope you can find a way to do more for yourself this year without feeling guilty about it. Sending you love and support!

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