Random Thoughts for Friday

I have so much floating around in my head, so I thought it would be a good time to do a bullet post of randomness to start the weekend.

-On Friendship: Show up. Like seriously, if we make plans a week in advance, and it was YOUR idea, and YOU picked the date, freaking follow through. Don't make me have to chase you down to confirm and then have a b.s. Excuse as to why you can't make it after all. It makes me see how full of shit you are and that you really don't value our friendship. We are all busy...we are all on a budget...we all don't have enough hours in a day for everything.

-Also on old friendships...it kind of sucks when you realize how little you have in common anymore, how life choices and paths diverge so much that you become unrelateable. How much money and privilege play a big role in all of this. And geography.

-On projects: We currently have about 5 different projects that need to be done to our house/yard/property. 3 are bigger, more expensive things, and the other 2 are cheaper but still labor-intensive. Trying to finagle money and time and prioritize these projects is daunting and stressful. Luckily none of them are emergent, yet. But having these things hanging over my head is really bothersome.

-We celebrated our 17 year anniversary last week, and that itself feels like a major Win, since everywhere I turn there are stories of families breaking up. It has been no easy feat to get here, but it is definitely something I am very proud of.

-The current healthcare situation in the political arena has me beyond nervous, to the point I just feel like I need to stop watching the news again. Being in healthcare, I see firsthand all of the problems in our broken system, and some of the changes that are being bandied about don't make any sense for anyone. Granted, the ACA is far from perfect, but at least right now things are relatively stable. On a personal front, I get over $500 taken out of every paycheck, but at least I have some of the best Insurance coverage out there right now. I just don't understand why politicians can't just work together and make decisions that make sense for everyone. I don't give a crap which party you are with, I am with you if your proposals make valid sense, and right now I am not seeing that anywhere. I wish they would get a large panel of healthcare workers together to help guide them. Those of us that work in it can tell them exactly what they need to do to fix this mess.

-I just helped my teen navigate her first major work issue with her immediate manager. Unfortunately, her manager felt it appropriate to leave a highly unprofessional note to her staff in an attempt to bully everyone and not have to do her job, and left on vacation. Mind you, everyone that works under her are highschool kids and she is in her late 20s. I was furious and helped my teen (and by extension all the other teens who work there) go to a higher-up and helped highlight all the ways in which this wasn't ok. Luckily, my teen is part of a union, so there are a lot of strict policies in place to protect her rights and also guidelines for things like this. Also, the lady that hired my teen loves her and knows how hardworking she and the other kids are and so really has her back. But MAN, did I have to go all Mama-Bear. Like hell you are going to bully a bunch of highschool kids because you are bitter that a grocery store coffee shop is your end-game. (I am not implying that there is anything wrong with that job as your career if that's what you do, just that by the note and the way this girl acts you can tell she is stuck and bitter and mean about her situation.)

-My crazy niece is briefly in town with her long-time off and on boyfriend. He is in the military and a few years older than she is. She's 24 but just in the last year gotten her shit together and decided to go to school and do something with her life, and has realized that you can only party nonstop for so long and your parents are only gonna help you out of trouble so many times. This guy has cheated on her before and has also been married, so I really hope she knows what she is doing here. Her parents just met him last weekend, and this will be the first time we will all meet him. She's head over heels for this guy so I hope he continues to show up for her and doesn't break her heart.

-Speaking of siblings, my brother and his family are coming into town next week. We are so different and raise our kids very differently, and we always clash. Our kids aren't close because we don't see them much, and also because his kids act very snobby and my older kids have told me they don't really like to hang out with them because of that. I also hate the way they blow into town (or when my mom goes to visit) and they treat her like hired help. No joke my SIL will give my mom lists of stuff to do why she goes to nap. The week after next SIL will be away and my brother and all 5 of his kids will be staying with my mom. He might be working while he is up here, and I have a feeling he expects my mom will babysit. But she is a month post-op from a total hip replacement so she still can't handle small kids like that. My girls will be in a service camp all week otherwise I would send them over to help. My brother and his wife are very last minute, like all of a sudden they will have plans or ideas, they tend to spring stuff on people so they might get there and suddenly just peace out and leave my mom hanging with 5 kids. If I get involved there will be a fight (there ALWAYS is when I speak up) so I am going to make myself scarce that week. Sad, right? This is when my dad's absence is felt, because he would have none of this ish.

-Life is good. Despite my melancholic birthday post, life really is good. And usually I am too damn busy or tired to focus on how damn restless I can feel. I don't know what I thought my life would be like when I was pushing 40, but it's so crazy that this is it.

-I did get to have dinner with one of my closets friends from work this week. I've known her for 10 years now, and she has seen me at some of my very worst and although she is currently single and never got to have kids due to endo and fibroids that forced a hysterectomy, she is probably one of the most understanding and supportive people in my life. We had a couple drinks and lots of good conversation and food and it was just so nice. She's a cancer, too, so we just get each other. Actually, my work people are some of the closest people to me at this stage in my life, and I am more than ok with that. It makes the hard days less hard, and going to work a nice reprieve from the rest of the world.

-We finally painted my kitchen, after being here for 2 years! It was a canary yellow, but the appliances are black and it reminded me of a bumble bee and was really a harsh contrast. I got this darker gray color called Pewter (Behr) that had primer in it and my husband did it for me over my birthday weekend. It looks awesome. There wasn't a ton of wall space so it didn't take long. I would actually like this color for the master bedroom but there is SO much to paint in there we would need a whole weekend so that will probably be a good winter project.

Ok, that's all I got for now. Happy weekend!!

MicroBlog Mondays: 39

Today is my 39th birthday. The last year in this decade. I have been really having a difficult time in the last month or so, not because of this looming birthday, because I don't really care so much about age and numbers, but because...I don't know exactly. I can't quite put my finger on it.

It could be because for the last 17 years I have been living almost constantly in a loop of trying for a baby, or pregnant, or nursing, and now I have nursed my last baby and have stopped trying. I mean, yeah. Of course, it makes sense...I can't get pregnant on my own and going through treatments at age 39 when I have 5 living children just seems ridiculous. But then...who am I if I'm not trying for a baby or taking care of one???

I have this constant, anxious feeling. It may be time for some new ink or to drastically change my hair. Maybe I can find a way to channel all my energy into actually losing weight. I don't know. But I know that I feel weird and jumpy in my own skin. It is like all at once I feel like I have everything I need, but something is also missing. Or off. Maybe restless, even.

The past couple years have been really hard. I have put myself last for so long, sometimes not even making it on the list. Maybe it's time that changes. I have started by setting up some dinners out with friends. To reconnect. To breathe. To remind myself of who the hell I am apart from everything else.

So this is 39. If feels like such a strange place to be.