About Me

I am an insane human being. I have been a wife for 15 plus years, and a mom for almost as long. I had 3 children early on...then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years. Thought our family was complete, so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets. Then we were surprised that our luck changed. Our running total is Parents: 2, Kids: 5, Pets:4. My life is far from perfect, and much of our happiness was hard fought and won, from the death of a parent, job loss and marriage troubles, miscarriage and IF, we have been through it all, and dare I say we made it, with a lot of love and laughter, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

Monday, July 3, 2017

MicroBlog Mondays: 39

Today is my 39th birthday. The last year in this decade. I have been really having a difficult time in the last month or so, not because of this looming birthday, because I don't really care so much about age and numbers, but because...I don't know exactly. I can't quite put my finger on it.

It could be because for the last 17 years I have been living almost constantly in a loop of trying for a baby, or pregnant, or nursing, and now I have nursed my last baby and have stopped trying. I mean, yeah. Of course, it makes sense...I can't get pregnant on my own and going through treatments at age 39 when I have 5 living children just seems ridiculous. But then...who am I if I'm not trying for a baby or taking care of one???

I have this constant, anxious feeling. It may be time for some new ink or to drastically change my hair. Maybe I can find a way to channel all my energy into actually losing weight. I don't know. But I know that I feel weird and jumpy in my own skin. It is like all at once I feel like I have everything I need, but something is also missing. Or off. Maybe restless, even.

The past couple years have been really hard. I have put myself last for so long, sometimes not even making it on the list. Maybe it's time that changes. I have started by setting up some dinners out with friends. To reconnect. To breathe. To remind myself of who the hell I am apart from everything else.

So this is 39. If feels like such a strange place to be.

5 comments:

  1. It is hard for me to move on too. I remember when we started back IF treatments in 2015. WTH did I put myself through that for? I'm an obsessive person. When we are done finalizing the adoption and life settles down. I'll need a new obsession. Maybe we need to a weightloss challenge! We did it before. I'm obsessing over names and medical issues, but all things will come to an end. :)

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  2. Even though we are not done yet,I can relate. For people who struggle to conceive it consumes so much energy and time and mental/emotional space. And then it's not like those things go away when pregnancy is achieved or even after the arrival of a baby. In my case trying to get pregnant (or twice, actual pregnancy) has in a way eroded the reality of the rest of my life.....it's like everything else I do has faded in emotional significance; I just can't get that excited about it anymore. I think you are right it will take real effort to light a spark again.

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  3. Happy birthday (one day late) and a big hug. It is hard to transition to another life stage. Maybe a project could smooth over the lines between the two life stages.

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  4. Happy birthday! I'm sorry you are feeling jumpy in your own skin, that's not a good feeling. It's hard to be between things, shifting identities. I feel similarly for different reasons -- who am I if I'm not trying to have a family of more than two? Who is this person now? What will life look like? It's unsettling, but hopefully soon you will feel the magic of possibility. It's hard though to rework who you are after so long. I wish you all the best as you rediscover or discover new things to make you, you!

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  5. 39 was my weirdest year. I've heard that it's a hard birthday. I thought it was just because my mum died when she was 39, but I've since asked a lot of people and they all said 39 felt strange. I don't know if it's just because it's the last one before 40... I think it's something deeper than that.

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