Moments

—Disclaimer about my last post. So I apparently now suffer from PMD. I get really super down and sad right before my period starts and by day 2 it goes away. My last post was written during said time. Life isn’t as bleak as that, not at all.

The holidays are upon us, and I am trying to enjoy it, because it goes by so fast and hectic if you let it. So here are some recent moments in time that really made my heart happy.

Home life can be so chaotic much of the time. Lots of people and personalities and noise. So I really try and notice when things quiet down.

-I picked up my son from a week away at Outdoor School. Baby boy ran up to him and jumped in his brother’s arms, wrapping his tiny, chubby toddler arms around his neck, grinning ear to ear. It was the sweetest thing, definitely a hero’s welcome home.

-When I rock Baby boy to bed, he likes to “show off” and do a bunch of cute tricks, either repeating a new word he’s learned over and over, or giving me suction-cup type kisses all over my face.


-the look my husband gets when someone says something funny. It’s priceless, and I always look to him for his reaction during a show or when the kids are being weird. Or when I am being weird.

-When my teen gets down on the floor and plays with her littlest siblings. Sometimes they are so annoying to her but it’s awesome to see her playing with them.

-Hearing teenager laugh hysterically to the Chipmuncks movie by herself long after Toddler boy grew bored and left the room.

-The wonderful comfort of being able to lay on the couch with my sister in silence, and having the silence say everything.

-Standing in our front yard in the cold dark together as a family looking at the awesome display of lights my husband set up, knowing we were the first in the neighborhood to have our lights up a full week before Thanksgiving.

-Going to work and being able to be in a place I feel completely comfortable and that O belong. Knowing I am going to talk and laugh my day away, while saving lives.

-Putting a warm blanket on a sick patient. It is nice to be able to provide that kind of comfort, to watch the patient sink into the warmth.

-Having my not-even-close-to-being-a-lap-dog dog jump up on the couch to snuggle, even though she hogs the blanket.

-All the delicious comfort food the Holidays bring.

-For the first time since he died...the memories of my father are becoming more beautiful than sad. Still bittersweet, but I can feel that shift happening. Finally.

-Watching my kids put over 300 ornaments on my giantic Christmas tree on like 20 minutes. Enjoying watching them work together. Especially finding my 3.5 year old being super meticulous and taking his time, working long after everyone else had left.

-Working in the kitchen with my middle daughter. She is a great help in the kitchen fixing meals, doesn’t need a lot of direction, and tells me funny stories about the adventures in 7th grade.

-Sitting by the fire watching a show with my husband after everyone has gone to bed. Even if it’s just for a a little while, it’s so relaxing and cozy.

-coming home late from work exhausted to find my Baby boy who has decided to wait up for me. Who runs around the house like a maniac showing off his new words and skills he learned that day, alternating between jumping in my arms to snuggle to squirming down to run around like mad.

These are the moments of my life that make me feel so happy and lucky. And that tell me everything is going to be ok.

Deep Breath

That is what I keep reminding myself, although it doesn't seem to be working.

I am two hours away from a meeting with my son's teachers. It seems he is not doing well at his new school, at least academically. What I thought was just a meeting with one teacher had turned in to three teachers requesting to meet with us. I am terrified about what I am going to be told. I am also not in an emotionally great place right now, so I fear in my ability to hold myself together.

My baby turned 2 yesterday. It has been a very emotionally draining week for me to have this milestone happen. My head and my heart have finally come to the realization that baby boy is the last baby I will ever hold in my arms that I also held in my belly. And my heart, while rejoicing in all that I have and celebrating his beautiful little life, is also hurting from the loss and ending of never having this again. Of all the last firsts that have happened right before my eyes. Of all the last firsts I didn't even realize at the time that they were truly lasts. That maybe I would have taken better notes if I had realized it. If I would have taken more time.

So many mixed emotions with this realization of this ending. Gratitude that I even got to have them. Anger for the things that loss and infertility took away from me. All the time I lost in those years my body couldn't get it right. All the stress and anxiety and fear and sadness I experienced during pregnancy, waiting to see if my body could hold on. Feeling like I don't know who I am.

I have had to make parenting decisions this week that have broke my mom heart. This parenting gig ain't easy, that's for sure. That first year, well that's just cake
compared to the rest of it.

All of this stress has led to a lot of marital tension and issues. My husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye on some of it, and it is causing me to feel very isolated and alone, and also resentful. But of course I have absolutely no time where I can just sit and work through how I am feeling, so I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights. Today, I look like I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights that no amount of makeup is going to cover up. Between the bags and dark circles, red, swollen puffy eyes, hormonal stress breakouts, and stress-induced fever blister, I look about how I feel inside. I have been crying most of this morning, just feeling like an utter failure.

This week has been hard. Here's hoping things turn around soon.