Deep Breath

That is what I keep reminding myself, although it doesn't seem to be working.

I am two hours away from a meeting with my son's teachers. It seems he is not doing well at his new school, at least academically. What I thought was just a meeting with one teacher had turned in to three teachers requesting to meet with us. I am terrified about what I am going to be told. I am also not in an emotionally great place right now, so I fear in my ability to hold myself together.

My baby turned 2 yesterday. It has been a very emotionally draining week for me to have this milestone happen. My head and my heart have finally come to the realization that baby boy is the last baby I will ever hold in my arms that I also held in my belly. And my heart, while rejoicing in all that I have and celebrating his beautiful little life, is also hurting from the loss and ending of never having this again. Of all the last firsts that have happened right before my eyes. Of all the last firsts I didn't even realize at the time that they were truly lasts. That maybe I would have taken better notes if I had realized it. If I would have taken more time.

So many mixed emotions with this realization of this ending. Gratitude that I even got to have them. Anger for the things that loss and infertility took away from me. All the time I lost in those years my body couldn't get it right. All the stress and anxiety and fear and sadness I experienced during pregnancy, waiting to see if my body could hold on. Feeling like I don't know who I am.

I have had to make parenting decisions this week that have broke my mom heart. This parenting gig ain't easy, that's for sure. That first year, well that's just cake
compared to the rest of it.

All of this stress has led to a lot of marital tension and issues. My husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye on some of it, and it is causing me to feel very isolated and alone, and also resentful. But of course I have absolutely no time where I can just sit and work through how I am feeling, so I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights. Today, I look like I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights that no amount of makeup is going to cover up. Between the bags and dark circles, red, swollen puffy eyes, hormonal stress breakouts, and stress-induced fever blister, I look about how I feel inside. I have been crying most of this morning, just feeling like an utter failure.

This week has been hard. Here's hoping things turn around soon.