I has my D&C done this morning, and I am home and resting(ish). I was really nervous and a little scared because I haven’t been put under anesthesia is over 20 years, but also because I didn’t really know what to expect, so I wanted to write about my experience here in case it helps anyone else if they ever need this procedure.
Last week I had to repeat some bloodwork to check my hcg levels and also get a CBC for pre-op. The CBC has to be within the last 30 days, and the beta was to see if my numbers were falling (I found out today they were, down in the one-thousands from the twos a week prior.) I was scheduled for 7:45am so I had to arrive at 6:45am, and I couldn’t have anything to eat or drink after midnight. I did cheat and had some water in the middle of the night and also when I woke up, but I didn’t tell them that. Also the night before I would look at the clock and think “In 12 hours this will be over” every couple of hours and that helped me not be too upset and nervous all night.
My friend picked me up at 6am to drive me, and thankfully she just talked to me about random stuff on the way so I didn’t have time to think too much or get in my head and be nervous. My tummy was nervous so I found a bathroom when we got there right away before checking in.
When I arrived I checked in and after a few minutes met with registration to verify all my info and sign the billing forms. After that my friend and I sat and talked for a few minutes but my nervous tummy made me find the bathroom again. When I got back the pre-op nurse was collecting my friend’s information, and she took me to the back to have me change. I had to take off everything but because I was spotting I could leave my undies on for now. They made me put on compression stockings and footies. When I first was left alone to change I started to get a little freaked out and panicked and started to cry, but I made myself get undressed and just do this.
When I came out the nurse wanted to check my blood pressure, temperature, start an IV, and lots of questions on the computer. I told her I was very nervous, and she was so kind asking me questions about what happened and showing genuine care and concern and telling me how sorry she was. She mentioned I was posted for general anesthesia where you have to be intubated, and I kind of freaked out and she said “You don’t want that” and I told her No, that’s not what I thought I was going to get, I thought I was getting Twilight (IV sedation) and she assured me I could talk to the anesthesiologist shortly and not to worry. I also asked about the level of pain afterward and was assured it should be minimal, like period cramps, since I was already in the process of miscarriage, meaning my cervix was already open and I had passed a lot of tissue myself already. She couldn’t get an IV to work in my left hand so she got another nurse to try while she finished questioning me and straightening out my meds listened in the computer. Somehow the pain meds and other stuff I was given after my last C-section during my hospital stay was listed as drugs I currently take, so it looked like I had a pain-meds habit HAH so we had to adjust all of that.
The OB resident came in to explain the procedure and risks, and I was asked if I was OK with receiving blood products if they were needed (unlikely, but still) I signed all the consents. I also spoke to the nurse and my doctor that while I didn’t have a written advanced directive, my husband and I had a verbal one so that if something happened they needed to call him because he knows what I would want for my care. This is scary but necessary, and I plan to have it in writing soon. All I will say is do not wait to have one, because if something sudden happens to you, your spouse or next of kin will be asked to make decisions on your care, and that is way too emotional of a time for anyone to be trying to think clearly, and it is a burden on them to decide for you. This prompted a quick recap with my doc about why my husband was at home (GI bug still cycling through the house, 2 others home sick today) and that my friend he was talking to was outside. He also told me all the tissue would be sent to pathology for testing which is routine here, but not necessarily a routine thing everywhere.
My doc came in while Anesthesia was just walking in, and together they clarified (and I overheard) that I would NOT need general anesthesia so I was relieved. The Anesthesiologist took time to listen to my concerns (mainly anxiety and panicked attacks when I get on the OR table) and gave me lots of time for questions and told me I could have whatever drugs I needed to be calm and comfortable. Versed is an anti-anxiety med I have been given before getting a Spinal during my C-section and it is wonderfully calming, and I told him that was my friend for making his job easier and he said he would give that to me.
One thing I want to say here is that anytime you are in a hospital receiving care, it can feel like things just happen to you without you really understanding what is happening or having a choice in it. You almost always have a choice (as long as there is no immediate emergent issue) so ALL of your care providers should talk to you about everything that is/will happen and give you time to ask questions, and they should listen to you if you know there are things you need that work best, ect. If things feel rushed, it is you right to slow things down and ask for a minute to think.
After that they brought my friend in to give me a hug and kiss and take my phone from me and my locker key. I stopped in the bathroom one more time and then we walked to the OR with my doctor, who explained the procedure in medical terms for me (and when he said blade and I grimaced he teased me and said oh gosh, it’s a tiny thing, and I joked that it wasn’t going in his uterus, and I was calm for a second. It was super tiny, not at all like the actual hospital rooms, and my anesthesia doc asked why I had that terrible look in my face, and I kind of bounced on my heals for a few while they got the bed ready and moved my one gown, and got me a bag for my undies I had taken off in the bathroom. As soon as they got me positioned on the table, they gave me an oxygen mask and the Versed and I immediately felt relaxed and shortly after that I was asleep.
I woke up not too much later super groggy for the first few minutes, but I looked over at the anesthesiologist and thanked him for waking me up. They were asking me to move over to the stretcher but I couldn’t figure out which way to go and went the wrong direction, like my brain couldn’t tell my body what to do, I couldn’t figure out what to do. I said “hold on, I feel drunk” and my doctor laughed at me and said “well, you are drunk. When is the last time you drank?” And I told him about the Margaritas my friend and I had Wednesday at our Mexican place, and we talked for a minute about how it was one of the only places open again in this town that flooded recently. It so funny because I had to have sounded like a fruit loop, I don’t know how I formed words because I didn’t feel like I was there at all, I think my eyes were half shut. My nose felt weird and the anesthesia doctor pulled a tube out of my nostril, because I was snoring bad. I told him that I have a deviated septum and I also think I was starting to come down with a cold. I also realized I had a massive headache along the front of my head and the back of my neck. He told me the drugs he gave me (Propofol, Fentanyl, and Toradol) because Propfol wasn’t quite enough to keep me from moving. I have never had Fentanly and it’s strong so I think my headache was from that.
I got in recovery and the nurse gave me a million blankets that I don’t think I needed but I still felt a bit groggy. My mouth was like cotton and I had to pee. She said I could get up soon if I could hold it, and asked if I wanted juice or soda and some crackers. I just wanted water but they like to see you eat something to make sure you don’t vomit. It was seriously the best water I ever had. She brought me Tylenol and oxycodone so I decided to try the crackers but my mouth was so dry it was turning to a super thick, dry goo so I gave up on that. My doctor came in and told me there was still a very tiny sac, but no baby. So either the sac was so small we couldn’t see it on ultrasound, or there were possibly 2 sacs and we missed one on the early scans. He said had I waited it out it would have taken a long time to bleed that all out and a lot of it had just been sitting there. He said my uterus looked good otherwise with no scar tissue and my C-sections scars were in good shape.
A few minutes later they brought my friend back and the nurse got my locker key and I got up and was allowed to get dressed. They made me get in a wheelchair to get there, and told me to keep the compression stockings on for 24 hours, no driving for 24 hours, no lifting anything over 5lbs for 48 hours. They also gave me a preyfor 600mgs Ibuprofen.
Things that are normal are light spotting or bleeding for a few days to 2 weeks and period cramps. Not normal is heavy bleeding, severe pain, not being able to go to the bathroom, nausea and vomiting, foul smelling smelling discharge, or fever.
So afterwards my friend and I got in the car (the nurse wheeled me out and helped me get in and buckled, which felt a bit much) and we stopped at Walmart to get something for my dinner and a few other supplies. She was hungry and convinced me to eat subway with her, then we stopped for Starbucks, and then she wanted to see the Goodwill near my house since I was up for it. I didn’t feel bad, just a little high from the pain meds but other than that I was ok.
It’s been about 8 hours now and I still feel ok, I have a headache and I got a little crampy, but Inteied to lay down and can’t really relax. I already called the office and made my 2 week follow-up appointment and the girl in the office was surprised I was doing so well already. I don’t think I really understood the full-ranging effects of this prolonged miscarriage until now. I feel...relieved. And I feel so cared for, from the nursing staff to my doctor, to my friend. I know they were just doing their jobs, but I work in healthcare and not everyone has great bedside matter or makes you feel safe and loved and listened to.
While I was laying down, my 14 year old daughter came home from school. She had been worried all day, and I didn’t really talk about this with them, because I was so scared myself and didn’t know what it would be like so I felt like I didn’t have anything I could share with them. So she laid with me and I told her everything and what they do and even things she didn’t understand about women exams that it’s all through the vaginau. And I felt really bad that my fear and silence did a disservice to her. I made a mental note to try and better keep my kids informed of things, as much as I may want to shield them from it or not feel the feelings myself.
I still have a headache and feel a bit foggy, so I plan to get to bed early tonight. But overall I feel such relief and healing. Thank you to everyone who has read my words or left comments or emails of support and abiding over these past few weeks. It feel really good to have so much support here when I feel like people on the outside don’t really understand these feelings. While I don’t wish this on anyone, it is comforting to know I am not alone, and haven’t been alone in my feelings or experience, unfortunately.
I have a Day in The Life post all documented I just need to write it up, but I plan to get that posted this week.
Monday, October 22, 2018
Thursday, October 18, 2018
little reminders
Finally, surgery is scheduled for Monday. Just a few more days of this, and then hopefully Inwill have some closure and can move on from this. I am really ready to get off this one-waybtrain to nowhere. I really wanted to blog something different this week and was all set to do a Day in The Life post, and then the day I was going to write about started with a whole lot of puke and other GI distresses, and no one needs to read about that. I am going to attempt to document tomorrow and write it up this weekend. Fingers crossed.
I went to get my pre-op bloodwork done yesterday, apparently the CBC I had done wasn’t recent enough. I went about 40 minutes before the lab closed, and it was empty when I got there. I was minding my own business trying to figure out the new self-check-in kiosk, when I heard from around the corner “Yeah, everyone says they think I am having a girl this time, but I think boy”, and I looked behind me to see a super pregnant woman. Of course there was.
Luckily I couldn’t dwell on that because right after I was meeting my friend for dinner and we ate way too much delicious Mexican food and I might have had a few Margaritas and a ton of laughs. And without even asking, she told me she is taking me on Monday. Due to school and other child care issues I was all set to go by myself and Uber home, which seemed reasonable to me when faced with what to do, but she was having none of it.
And this morning getting dressed I looked down and noticed the pooch of my lower belly from my uterus, which is not full of life but of remaining products of conception that it is trying to rid itself of. The constant dull ache of my uterus reminds me of that all day long, and also reminds me of the terrible job it is doing of cleansing itself.
But Monday. Monday all this will be gone, and I can finally start healing and move on.
I went to get my pre-op bloodwork done yesterday, apparently the CBC I had done wasn’t recent enough. I went about 40 minutes before the lab closed, and it was empty when I got there. I was minding my own business trying to figure out the new self-check-in kiosk, when I heard from around the corner “Yeah, everyone says they think I am having a girl this time, but I think boy”, and I looked behind me to see a super pregnant woman. Of course there was.
Luckily I couldn’t dwell on that because right after I was meeting my friend for dinner and we ate way too much delicious Mexican food and I might have had a few Margaritas and a ton of laughs. And without even asking, she told me she is taking me on Monday. Due to school and other child care issues I was all set to go by myself and Uber home, which seemed reasonable to me when faced with what to do, but she was having none of it.
And this morning getting dressed I looked down and noticed the pooch of my lower belly from my uterus, which is not full of life but of remaining products of conception that it is trying to rid itself of. The constant dull ache of my uterus reminds me of that all day long, and also reminds me of the terrible job it is doing of cleansing itself.
But Monday. Monday all this will be gone, and I can finally start healing and move on.
Monday, October 15, 2018
surgery is looking imminent
After all of the extended cramping and bleeding and the ultrasound my doctor did, I was hopeful I was over some of the worst of it, like my body did what it was supposed to do. My doctor wanted me to follow up on Friday morning if it was still lots of clotting and blood. Well, it had been first thing in the morning when I woke up but then it had been tapering off to a bit more than spotting by early afternoon, so I figured I would wait and get my blood drawn the next day and have a better picture of everything.
Well. My beta is 2781. I know. So I had the u/s tech scan me and I guess all the cramping has moved a bunch of tissue around so now I have 22mm of echogenic gunk in my uterus. And I wouldn’t say that I have exactly been cramping over the last couple days, more like little irritations. So clear sky this miscarriage is incomplete.
My doctor has wanted to prescribe me either cytotec or Methergine to take at home. But I am TERRIFIED of taking something at home. The labor-intense contractions last week were at the very top of my pain threshold. I couldn’t function at all it was so bad, all I could do was rock back and forth on my hands and knees and breathe/cry. That kind of pain just seems cruel and unnecessary to just expel the remains of a failed pregnancy. I am so scared that taking medication at home is going to cause that kind of pain and then I am just stuck in it.
And I am also just SO angry that things are going this way. That my options now are extreme pain and more bleeding or surgery. Which takes me back to the circle of guilt and and the what did I do to deserve this thoughts I wrote about yesterday. And part of me now feels like surgery is the best option to just get all this over with, to just be done with all this shit. And my heart. Oh, how this is just stabbing me in the heart.
I do ok for a while, especially at last weeks’ end, when I thought I was almost done with this and hopeful for a nice low beta, if not back to zero. That sent me into a panic spiral and also just a sad letdown of feelings. After work I went to do some necessary retail therapy at Goodwill to try to get out of my head and just process everything, to let things settle.
And I came across the most beautifully soft crib bedding hidden among the tablecloths and I paused for a moment and ran my hands along the soft plush fabric thinking how perfect it was, and feeling a physical squeezing pain in my heart, and I almost lost it right there in Goodwill amongst the curtains and housewares. And all in one quick moment I felt all 5 of those stages of grief wash over me, one after another. And I felt myself start to cramp a little more and felt the blood once again leaking out into the pad in my underwear and I was brought right back to reality.
I am about to reach out to my doctor. Unless he can give me some reasonable assurance that using Methergeine will likely work and that it shouldn’t send me in to actual labor, then I am going to get on the schedule for a D&C, hopefully by weeks end and finally be done with this part of my nightmare.
Well. My beta is 2781. I know. So I had the u/s tech scan me and I guess all the cramping has moved a bunch of tissue around so now I have 22mm of echogenic gunk in my uterus. And I wouldn’t say that I have exactly been cramping over the last couple days, more like little irritations. So clear sky this miscarriage is incomplete.
My doctor has wanted to prescribe me either cytotec or Methergine to take at home. But I am TERRIFIED of taking something at home. The labor-intense contractions last week were at the very top of my pain threshold. I couldn’t function at all it was so bad, all I could do was rock back and forth on my hands and knees and breathe/cry. That kind of pain just seems cruel and unnecessary to just expel the remains of a failed pregnancy. I am so scared that taking medication at home is going to cause that kind of pain and then I am just stuck in it.
And I am also just SO angry that things are going this way. That my options now are extreme pain and more bleeding or surgery. Which takes me back to the circle of guilt and and the what did I do to deserve this thoughts I wrote about yesterday. And part of me now feels like surgery is the best option to just get all this over with, to just be done with all this shit. And my heart. Oh, how this is just stabbing me in the heart.
I do ok for a while, especially at last weeks’ end, when I thought I was almost done with this and hopeful for a nice low beta, if not back to zero. That sent me into a panic spiral and also just a sad letdown of feelings. After work I went to do some necessary retail therapy at Goodwill to try to get out of my head and just process everything, to let things settle.
And I came across the most beautifully soft crib bedding hidden among the tablecloths and I paused for a moment and ran my hands along the soft plush fabric thinking how perfect it was, and feeling a physical squeezing pain in my heart, and I almost lost it right there in Goodwill amongst the curtains and housewares. And all in one quick moment I felt all 5 of those stages of grief wash over me, one after another. And I felt myself start to cramp a little more and felt the blood once again leaking out into the pad in my underwear and I was brought right back to reality.
I am about to reach out to my doctor. Unless he can give me some reasonable assurance that using Methergeine will likely work and that it shouldn’t send me in to actual labor, then I am going to get on the schedule for a D&C, hopefully by weeks end and finally be done with this part of my nightmare.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Guilt and disarray
Lately I have been consumed with feeling of guilt over my miscarriage. That I somehow put something bad out in the universe to deserve this. That maybe I’m just not a good enough mother, a good enough person and I don’t deserve to have another child. That maybe because I was shocked and scared and didn’t embrace the pregnancy the second I found out, that maybe I somehow caused this to happen. I know in my head and my heart that that is not true, but thoughts and feelings in grief and distress are not always rational and sometimes in the quiet moments, in the darkest and saddest moments these thoughts creep in.
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Towards the end of last week I realized that with everything else going on, I needed to grocery shop because I needed to cook some meals for my family. Wednesday afternoon I get ambitious so I went out and picked up some fresh meats and other ingredients and grilled up several meals worth of dinners. The air was thick and humid and not at all fall-like and I kept thinking how I was just waiting for that cooler air, the ushering in of a new season so I could take a deep breathe and feel lighter.
Thursday I went back out shopping for all the other stuff the house needed, came home and made another fresh meal, and went to try and get some bills paid and sort out the budget, things that have gone by the wayside as I just haven’t had the mental energy to deal with. I ended up in a really awful mood and put myself to bed rather early because I just couldn’t deal with life.
Friday was a no-preschool day and my boys and I decided we just needed a morning to chill out together and not do too much. My niece texted me and asked if she could bring a healthy lunch and would I eat it with her. While she was hear entertaining the boys, I decided to start doing some laundry, something else I realized I hadn’t done in a while. When I got to the basement, I saw about 6 loads of laundry that needed to get done, all piled up in baskets and hampers. I found towels in the dryer and wet towels in the washer, evidence that someone had at least attempted to help out. But all of the laundry and all of the mess looked like I have felt these past weeks, in utter disarray.
And it made me realize that that was part of my problem. All that piled up laundry and stack of bills that had to get paid was evidence that the rest of the world kept moving, that everyone else kept moving, while I was stuck in place. My external world had stopped. And I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to keep going as if everything is normal, as if nothing has changed. I feel sort of like frozen in time. It doesn’t feel right that everything keeps on going, that I am expected to just keep it moving.
Maybe because I am still in the thick of it. I don’t have any resolve yet. I have the possibility of a D&C lingering in the air, thanks to bloodwork that shows my hcg levels are still very high. Maybe once this is all said and done for good I will finally feel free, like I can truly take a deep breathe and continue on.
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Towards the end of last week I realized that with everything else going on, I needed to grocery shop because I needed to cook some meals for my family. Wednesday afternoon I get ambitious so I went out and picked up some fresh meats and other ingredients and grilled up several meals worth of dinners. The air was thick and humid and not at all fall-like and I kept thinking how I was just waiting for that cooler air, the ushering in of a new season so I could take a deep breathe and feel lighter.
Thursday I went back out shopping for all the other stuff the house needed, came home and made another fresh meal, and went to try and get some bills paid and sort out the budget, things that have gone by the wayside as I just haven’t had the mental energy to deal with. I ended up in a really awful mood and put myself to bed rather early because I just couldn’t deal with life.
Friday was a no-preschool day and my boys and I decided we just needed a morning to chill out together and not do too much. My niece texted me and asked if she could bring a healthy lunch and would I eat it with her. While she was hear entertaining the boys, I decided to start doing some laundry, something else I realized I hadn’t done in a while. When I got to the basement, I saw about 6 loads of laundry that needed to get done, all piled up in baskets and hampers. I found towels in the dryer and wet towels in the washer, evidence that someone had at least attempted to help out. But all of the laundry and all of the mess looked like I have felt these past weeks, in utter disarray.
And it made me realize that that was part of my problem. All that piled up laundry and stack of bills that had to get paid was evidence that the rest of the world kept moving, that everyone else kept moving, while I was stuck in place. My external world had stopped. And I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to keep going as if everything is normal, as if nothing has changed. I feel sort of like frozen in time. It doesn’t feel right that everything keeps on going, that I am expected to just keep it moving.
Maybe because I am still in the thick of it. I don’t have any resolve yet. I have the possibility of a D&C lingering in the air, thanks to bloodwork that shows my hcg levels are still very high. Maybe once this is all said and done for good I will finally feel free, like I can truly take a deep breathe and continue on.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
36 hours
To say yesterday was rough would be a complete understatement. All of my strong resolve just broke and I finally cried my soul out.
But before that my pre-schooler had a complete meltdown when my husband tried to take him to his first day of school. Probably due to me not being there as much as the fact that we had a super late night getting home the day before. So I’m between all of my tears and pain and grief I had to come up with an incentive plan that would help him want to try again the next day.
Then I ended up in a fight with my husband. I probably haven’t felt so far away from him before, but this current loss is driving a wedge between us in a way previous losses and IF did not. I feel so alone and not at all understood. He doesn’t see that it’s not a cut and dry thing...it didn’t happen one day and the next day is fine. It’s lonely over here.
Putting my youngest to bed last night something triggered me and I just lost it. I lost every shred of any kind of hold I had on the situation, and I broke down in hysterical sobs on my baby boys head with my arms wrapped around him, my tears soaking his head and pillow. And he turned toward me and wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and patted my back and i just lost it even more, until finally I had cried myself to sleep.
Scared I was going to miss a dose of medicine and wake up in excruciating pain again, I woke twice in the middle of the night to take more medicine. I woke up this morning with a massive migraine, and my eyes so puffy and swollen I looked on the outside how I felt on the inside. I managed to get myself and 2 boys together enough to try going to pre-school again. On the way out the door baby boy puked up some milk with a burp right on to the kitchen floor. I feel him and he feels warm but doesn’t have a fever. We make it through preschool drop off with no issues. (Thanks to a School Chart we made with frownyand smiley faces for good drop off days and bad, and the promise that I’m good days he gets some electronics time when he gets home) but as I am buckling Baby boy back in to his seat realized he was about to puke and quickly unbuckled him but didn’t get him out before he puked curdled milk up all over himself. So I knew at that point he probably had a fever now, because the only time he puked up curdled milk is when he has spiked a fever. So we got home and I cleaned him up and checked his temp and sure enough he now had a fever. I gave him some Motrin and also a Zofran dissolve-able left over from a stomach bug, because he has a terrible hah reflex and once he starts liking he can’t stop. We rested on the couch together for a while before he peeked up and drank some water and ate a banana and a popsicle. (Basically whatever he wanted that he could keep down.) Mr. Preschool had a great day and it was so sweet to see my little boys hugging each other because they missed each other.
When I am feeling really emotional about something it helps me if I can try and identify exactly what is causing my feelings, so I have been reflecting on this a lot over the last week but especially the last couple of days. And I guess it comes down to a couple of things. One thing is that I have living, physical proof of what this loss (and my others) have taken away from me. I love my kids so hard and so much that it physically hurts. I don’t really remember my other losses hitting me quite like this, physically or emotionally. At least not on this scale. And I have been searching for why it feels this way this time. And I realized that it is because before, I had the hope of maybe one day having the chance to have it happen again, to experience another pregnancy. And this time, I feel like it was my final chance at that. By the time this is ever all said and done, it’s very unlikely that I will get the chance again. And suddenly the finality of this part of my life seems so much more clear. When I left pursuing a pregnancy it was always kind of open ended, and even though it was definitely not on my radar when this surprised happened, after the initial shock it was embraced and felt like that one last chance, and now that chance is gone and with it the hope of anything ever again.
Which also makes me reflect on the question of Is it worth it? Is it worth the risk of experiencing this kind of loss again for the chance to do it all over one more time. I thought about this a lot yesterday as I sat in my closet surrounded by baby items that either wouldn’t fit or were too fragile to be stored in the attic...things like nursing pillows, silly baby wraps, breast pumps, part of the bassinet and pack and play. And I couldn’t help but look at it all and thinking what a waste, to have all of this and have no use for it. And part of me was so angry I wanted to pack it all up and get rid of it right then and there, but I am far too emotional to make any rash decisions, I know this about myself. But then I kept going back to Is is worth it? Anything worth having is worth it, right? I’m not so sure. I miss the days of being naive to all of this, the loss, the difficulty of it all. I know that any subsequent pregnancy( should that ever happen) will be drought with worry. Loss took away my ability to really relax into and enjoy being pregnant, even after making it to term with #4, I was still always holding my breathe with #5, up until the very end when they pulled him out, and even every single day since. Loss has already given me extreme anxiety around all things pregnancy and baby. But is it worth it? If I had to go through this loss to get to the next one and ended up with a healthy baby next time, then yes, I would say it was all worth it. Of course. But. But, But, BUT. Is it worth my heart and soul to go back and keep trying, at my age, for the ending I want? Is it worth all of the heartache to get there, again, If I’m lucky, to have this happen again, or worse even? No. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth all of the TTC anxiety, it’s not worth all the early pregnancy ambiguous-ness and stress, it’s not worth first trimester sickness to end up where I am now. I even thought, well, heck, you could just skip all of the first trimester bloodwork and scans and just stick your head in the sand until 12 weeks or whatever...but no, I couldn’t. Because if I had done that this time, I would just now be finding out That something was wrong and that I was going to miscarry, when I should be close to exiting my first trimester. That wouldn’t have been better at all. And then I would have the guilt of what if I could have done something to change the outcome if I had known, like more progesterone or something. I know that if this happened again I would definitely have a D&C, as opposed as I am to surgery. I don’t think I would choose to go through this this way again.
So I guess 36 hours after my world turned upside down again I have realized that it all comes down to a finality I haven’t wanted to face, and ending to things in a way I would never want them to end. Of what it’s like when you start to refocus your life and are dealt with a surprise that makes you turn around and change course, only to have it all upended once again and stare the ending in the face, and what that does to your heart. What it has done to my heart. And how it feels like nothing wil ever be the same again. Forever changed by a baby that never got to be, but somehow had a place here that made it all feel so totally complete, even for a very short time.
But before that my pre-schooler had a complete meltdown when my husband tried to take him to his first day of school. Probably due to me not being there as much as the fact that we had a super late night getting home the day before. So I’m between all of my tears and pain and grief I had to come up with an incentive plan that would help him want to try again the next day.
Then I ended up in a fight with my husband. I probably haven’t felt so far away from him before, but this current loss is driving a wedge between us in a way previous losses and IF did not. I feel so alone and not at all understood. He doesn’t see that it’s not a cut and dry thing...it didn’t happen one day and the next day is fine. It’s lonely over here.
Putting my youngest to bed last night something triggered me and I just lost it. I lost every shred of any kind of hold I had on the situation, and I broke down in hysterical sobs on my baby boys head with my arms wrapped around him, my tears soaking his head and pillow. And he turned toward me and wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and patted my back and i just lost it even more, until finally I had cried myself to sleep.
Scared I was going to miss a dose of medicine and wake up in excruciating pain again, I woke twice in the middle of the night to take more medicine. I woke up this morning with a massive migraine, and my eyes so puffy and swollen I looked on the outside how I felt on the inside. I managed to get myself and 2 boys together enough to try going to pre-school again. On the way out the door baby boy puked up some milk with a burp right on to the kitchen floor. I feel him and he feels warm but doesn’t have a fever. We make it through preschool drop off with no issues. (Thanks to a School Chart we made with frownyand smiley faces for good drop off days and bad, and the promise that I’m good days he gets some electronics time when he gets home) but as I am buckling Baby boy back in to his seat realized he was about to puke and quickly unbuckled him but didn’t get him out before he puked curdled milk up all over himself. So I knew at that point he probably had a fever now, because the only time he puked up curdled milk is when he has spiked a fever. So we got home and I cleaned him up and checked his temp and sure enough he now had a fever. I gave him some Motrin and also a Zofran dissolve-able left over from a stomach bug, because he has a terrible hah reflex and once he starts liking he can’t stop. We rested on the couch together for a while before he peeked up and drank some water and ate a banana and a popsicle. (Basically whatever he wanted that he could keep down.) Mr. Preschool had a great day and it was so sweet to see my little boys hugging each other because they missed each other.
When I am feeling really emotional about something it helps me if I can try and identify exactly what is causing my feelings, so I have been reflecting on this a lot over the last week but especially the last couple of days. And I guess it comes down to a couple of things. One thing is that I have living, physical proof of what this loss (and my others) have taken away from me. I love my kids so hard and so much that it physically hurts. I don’t really remember my other losses hitting me quite like this, physically or emotionally. At least not on this scale. And I have been searching for why it feels this way this time. And I realized that it is because before, I had the hope of maybe one day having the chance to have it happen again, to experience another pregnancy. And this time, I feel like it was my final chance at that. By the time this is ever all said and done, it’s very unlikely that I will get the chance again. And suddenly the finality of this part of my life seems so much more clear. When I left pursuing a pregnancy it was always kind of open ended, and even though it was definitely not on my radar when this surprised happened, after the initial shock it was embraced and felt like that one last chance, and now that chance is gone and with it the hope of anything ever again.
Which also makes me reflect on the question of Is it worth it? Is it worth the risk of experiencing this kind of loss again for the chance to do it all over one more time. I thought about this a lot yesterday as I sat in my closet surrounded by baby items that either wouldn’t fit or were too fragile to be stored in the attic...things like nursing pillows, silly baby wraps, breast pumps, part of the bassinet and pack and play. And I couldn’t help but look at it all and thinking what a waste, to have all of this and have no use for it. And part of me was so angry I wanted to pack it all up and get rid of it right then and there, but I am far too emotional to make any rash decisions, I know this about myself. But then I kept going back to Is is worth it? Anything worth having is worth it, right? I’m not so sure. I miss the days of being naive to all of this, the loss, the difficulty of it all. I know that any subsequent pregnancy( should that ever happen) will be drought with worry. Loss took away my ability to really relax into and enjoy being pregnant, even after making it to term with #4, I was still always holding my breathe with #5, up until the very end when they pulled him out, and even every single day since. Loss has already given me extreme anxiety around all things pregnancy and baby. But is it worth it? If I had to go through this loss to get to the next one and ended up with a healthy baby next time, then yes, I would say it was all worth it. Of course. But. But, But, BUT. Is it worth my heart and soul to go back and keep trying, at my age, for the ending I want? Is it worth all of the heartache to get there, again, If I’m lucky, to have this happen again, or worse even? No. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth all of the TTC anxiety, it’s not worth all the early pregnancy ambiguous-ness and stress, it’s not worth first trimester sickness to end up where I am now. I even thought, well, heck, you could just skip all of the first trimester bloodwork and scans and just stick your head in the sand until 12 weeks or whatever...but no, I couldn’t. Because if I had done that this time, I would just now be finding out That something was wrong and that I was going to miscarry, when I should be close to exiting my first trimester. That wouldn’t have been better at all. And then I would have the guilt of what if I could have done something to change the outcome if I had known, like more progesterone or something. I know that if this happened again I would definitely have a D&C, as opposed as I am to surgery. I don’t think I would choose to go through this this way again.
So I guess 36 hours after my world turned upside down again I have realized that it all comes down to a finality I haven’t wanted to face, and ending to things in a way I would never want them to end. Of what it’s like when you start to refocus your life and are dealt with a surprise that makes you turn around and change course, only to have it all upended once again and stare the ending in the face, and what that does to your heart. What it has done to my heart. And how it feels like nothing wil ever be the same again. Forever changed by a baby that never got to be, but somehow had a place here that made it all feel so totally complete, even for a very short time.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
The worst isn’t over yet
Miscarriage is lonely. Every pad I change reminds me of how my body failed me. Why couldn’t it just do what it is supposed to do? Last week I felt better and okish. The weekend even started off alright as well. But then I woke up in our hotel room in actual labor. The pain was so intense and out of the blue. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. I couldn’t take enough Motrin to full the pain. I lost the entire morning just trying to get a handle on it. I was bleeding more heavy but nothing crazy, but I was experiencing all of the stomach upset from all the intense cramping. Managed to salvage part of the day and didn’t end up feeling too bad or crampy. Made it home and got everyone settled and went to bed myself.
Woke up this morning with promise. Didn’t feel bad at all, but had taken some Motrin early just to be safe. It wouldn’t matter. Not long after waking up and trying to get my son ready for his first day of preschool, the labor pains started back up, andbthis time with extreme pressure and bleeding with clots again. It is truly a kick in the guts to be doubled over with true labor pains and not have a baby to be coking out on the other side to make all of this worth it. The physical pain matched the pain in my heart. Once again I was experiencing all of the upset stomach effects of labor, now along with extreme lower pelvic pressure and heavy blood and clots. I was breathing through every pain, sometimes to the point of tears, sometimes holding my breathe. I texted my doctor a WTF text like what am I supposed to do, is this shit normal, maybe I need a D&C after all type of text. Once again I lost the entire morning to this. Only this time my emotions and heart were completely undone by all of this.
The pain and bleeding is under control (for now) but my emotions are absolutely shook. I am beyond despair right now. Trying to let all the feeling out and cry all the tears I can. Tears for this loss, tears for what won’t get to be, tears for how damn lonely this all feels. Right now everything just feels like too much. Like I don’t know how to get out of this hole. I started thinkuanouy how it’s October already, and how since June I have felt like I was barely keeping my head above water, and how as soon as I felt like I could float I got pulled under again. I all at oce want to curl up in a ball and hide forever, and also run as far away as I can. I will do neither and end up somewhere in between those two things. But for right this moment as I sit alone in my closet trying to put myself back together, I feel so very sad and so very alone.
As for what my doctor said, he has so much empathy. He will schedule surgery for me as soon as I give the ok, but from what we saw on the ultrasound, I should be pretty close to having everything out, considering all the pain and tissue I have been passing. I think if I wake up tomorrow to another round of this, I am going to send him the please just schedule a D&C text to him. Earlier today I seriously wanted to ask for a total hysterectomy to just be done with all of this, but I know that is not a rational request, and that I am in no shape to be making those kinds of decisions. But sometimes it feels like it would all just be easier if I didn’t have any female organs.
Woke up this morning with promise. Didn’t feel bad at all, but had taken some Motrin early just to be safe. It wouldn’t matter. Not long after waking up and trying to get my son ready for his first day of preschool, the labor pains started back up, andbthis time with extreme pressure and bleeding with clots again. It is truly a kick in the guts to be doubled over with true labor pains and not have a baby to be coking out on the other side to make all of this worth it. The physical pain matched the pain in my heart. Once again I was experiencing all of the upset stomach effects of labor, now along with extreme lower pelvic pressure and heavy blood and clots. I was breathing through every pain, sometimes to the point of tears, sometimes holding my breathe. I texted my doctor a WTF text like what am I supposed to do, is this shit normal, maybe I need a D&C after all type of text. Once again I lost the entire morning to this. Only this time my emotions and heart were completely undone by all of this.
The pain and bleeding is under control (for now) but my emotions are absolutely shook. I am beyond despair right now. Trying to let all the feeling out and cry all the tears I can. Tears for this loss, tears for what won’t get to be, tears for how damn lonely this all feels. Right now everything just feels like too much. Like I don’t know how to get out of this hole. I started thinkuanouy how it’s October already, and how since June I have felt like I was barely keeping my head above water, and how as soon as I felt like I could float I got pulled under again. I all at oce want to curl up in a ball and hide forever, and also run as far away as I can. I will do neither and end up somewhere in between those two things. But for right this moment as I sit alone in my closet trying to put myself back together, I feel so very sad and so very alone.
As for what my doctor said, he has so much empathy. He will schedule surgery for me as soon as I give the ok, but from what we saw on the ultrasound, I should be pretty close to having everything out, considering all the pain and tissue I have been passing. I think if I wake up tomorrow to another round of this, I am going to send him the please just schedule a D&C text to him. Earlier today I seriously wanted to ask for a total hysterectomy to just be done with all of this, but I know that is not a rational request, and that I am in no shape to be making those kinds of decisions. But sometimes it feels like it would all just be easier if I didn’t have any female organs.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
goodbye baby
Monday night I started spotting before I went to bed. I have my husband a heads up that I may need to get in to the doctor the next morning, but then nothing at all the next day, although I did got through another emotionally hard day where I was just ready and sad all day. Yesterday morning again I had some spotting when I wiped. It was a bit darker and heavier than Monday night, and I mayyyybe had some cramping. But then that was it, nothing more. This morning I again had some spotting when I wiped. I put on a pad to be safe just like the other times but didn’t really think much about it since I didn’t have any cramps at all.
A while later I went to the bathroom and had some dark purple blood with some mucous when I wiped, but still no cramps. I got up and took a few steps out of the bathroom when I felt a steady stream coming out of me. I had on a pad but it felt like that wasn’t going to be enough so I circled around back to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. I tried to wipe but each time I felt a steady liquid flow from my body. I was home alone with a 4 year old and 2 year old. The 2 year old cane in and said “look mommy” and pointed at the blood all over the toilet seat. He took my cell phone to play with and left the bathroom. I had blood all over my hand from trying to wipe myself up. At this point I didn’t even think I could lean forward to grab another pad out of the cabinet without making a huge mess everywhere. I still didn’t feel cramps really, maybe slight ones but nothing that would have made me think I was going to start bleeding like this. At some point I heard the phone ring and asked my 4 year old to bring it to me. I at least wanted a phone nearby in case this didn’t ease up fairly quickly. My mom had called to give me some information and I asked if she could just text it to me because I had started bleeding badly and couldn’t get off the toilet right now. She immediately got worried and I told her I was OK, I was going to call my doctor.
I called my doctor while I was still sitting in the toilet. He is so wonderful, he had alerted his staff that if I called to immediately put me in touch with him, so they did just that. He asked “Are you ok? Do you think you need a D&C?” I told him no, I didn’t feel like we needed to rush to that but should I come see him, that I was bleeding with clots and some cramping. (The cramping started as I was in the phone.)He let me know he was at his other office location and he didn’t want me to drive to him because it wasn’t near me, plus that office doesn’t have an ultrasound machine so he could check things out. He asked if I needed any pain meds and if I wanted to have some medication that might help things along. I said “I don’t think I need that, I think I have already passed everything”. He said he had an appointment of his own tomorrow and couldn’t stay late but would come in early tomorrow morning and see me before his schedule started if I could meet him there. And that if I needed anything in between then to just call him.
So I sat there for a few more minutes, pretty shocked, because it happened so fast. I started to clean myself up as best I could and was wiping tons of thick purple clots. In all I was probably only bleeding like that for under 10 minutes. I sat until I felt like I wasn’t just gushing anymore. I put on double pads just in case. I went and got 4 Motrin and took that, and opened a Thermacare patch and applied that over my lower pelvis. My mom called back and said she was coming so I could put my feet up. I didn’t feel bad. I wasn’t bleeding heavy. But I let her come because she wanted to. I wasn’t even emotional at this point. The cramps did pick up a bit before the Motrin kicked in and I had a few more small gushes of blood but nothing like that. More bright red blood and some smaller period-like clots. A few intense waves of cramps here and there but nothing unmanageable.
After a little while, once I had made my boys lunch and had a cup of coffee, I went up to take a shower. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding really heavy before I got in. And it all sort of washed over me with the hot water...I just lost my baby. Even though the sac had always stayed empty, I still look at it as if it were my baby, because it was supposed to be. It was still half me and half my husband and just like all 5 of my living children and my 3 other angel babies. I loved this baby as much as I love all of them, even if I was shocked and panicked when I first found out. My oldest came home as I was getting out of the shower and just sat with me and held me while I took a moment to just reflect. I know I shouldn’t lean on her, she’s my kid, but I needed that. Because on some level, she gets it.
I was texting with my hormone specialist about all of this the other night, and she assured me that Blighted Ovums (or anembryotic pregnancies) are a complete horrible fluke and not related to age or anything I may or may not have done. She also gave me the space to talk about how I was feeling emotionally, which was nice.
The other day I ran in to someone I know from my community and she was visibly pregnant, and she was wearing a shirt that eluded to the surprise nature of her pregnancy (something about the baby being a plot twist) and while I didn’t go up to speak with her, I did silently wonder why she got to keep her surprise and I didn’t.
I suspect when I go to the doctor my uterus is going to be empty and just look like a normal menstrating uterus. I hope my doctor clears metonuse tampons because pads are just like another reminder that things went horribly wrong, and also because I want to be able to swim on our little getaway this weekend. I took off even earlier on Sunday than I had originally planned because I just need a mental break and reset. I had actually decided to do that on Tuesday when I was just feeling so emotionally raw again.
Tonight I am just going to lay low and be sad for how this ended. My oldest went to work and make me an incredibly indulgent Pumpkin Pie Frappuccino, and I am going to sit and watch TV with my husband while we get some rare Chinese food and sit just the two of us (and maybe my oldest will join us, she loves to cuddle and watch TV) Tomorrow is the homecoming parade and we will have a full house for the next 2 days so tonight is it.
Watching me lay on the couch looking pitiful and sad, my husband said that we have to make sure this never happens to me again. And that made me even sadder because this is not the ending to the story that I would write. But unfortunately I know enough to know it doesn’t really matter. You don’t always get what you want.
A while later I went to the bathroom and had some dark purple blood with some mucous when I wiped, but still no cramps. I got up and took a few steps out of the bathroom when I felt a steady stream coming out of me. I had on a pad but it felt like that wasn’t going to be enough so I circled around back to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. I tried to wipe but each time I felt a steady liquid flow from my body. I was home alone with a 4 year old and 2 year old. The 2 year old cane in and said “look mommy” and pointed at the blood all over the toilet seat. He took my cell phone to play with and left the bathroom. I had blood all over my hand from trying to wipe myself up. At this point I didn’t even think I could lean forward to grab another pad out of the cabinet without making a huge mess everywhere. I still didn’t feel cramps really, maybe slight ones but nothing that would have made me think I was going to start bleeding like this. At some point I heard the phone ring and asked my 4 year old to bring it to me. I at least wanted a phone nearby in case this didn’t ease up fairly quickly. My mom had called to give me some information and I asked if she could just text it to me because I had started bleeding badly and couldn’t get off the toilet right now. She immediately got worried and I told her I was OK, I was going to call my doctor.
I called my doctor while I was still sitting in the toilet. He is so wonderful, he had alerted his staff that if I called to immediately put me in touch with him, so they did just that. He asked “Are you ok? Do you think you need a D&C?” I told him no, I didn’t feel like we needed to rush to that but should I come see him, that I was bleeding with clots and some cramping. (The cramping started as I was in the phone.)He let me know he was at his other office location and he didn’t want me to drive to him because it wasn’t near me, plus that office doesn’t have an ultrasound machine so he could check things out. He asked if I needed any pain meds and if I wanted to have some medication that might help things along. I said “I don’t think I need that, I think I have already passed everything”. He said he had an appointment of his own tomorrow and couldn’t stay late but would come in early tomorrow morning and see me before his schedule started if I could meet him there. And that if I needed anything in between then to just call him.
So I sat there for a few more minutes, pretty shocked, because it happened so fast. I started to clean myself up as best I could and was wiping tons of thick purple clots. In all I was probably only bleeding like that for under 10 minutes. I sat until I felt like I wasn’t just gushing anymore. I put on double pads just in case. I went and got 4 Motrin and took that, and opened a Thermacare patch and applied that over my lower pelvis. My mom called back and said she was coming so I could put my feet up. I didn’t feel bad. I wasn’t bleeding heavy. But I let her come because she wanted to. I wasn’t even emotional at this point. The cramps did pick up a bit before the Motrin kicked in and I had a few more small gushes of blood but nothing like that. More bright red blood and some smaller period-like clots. A few intense waves of cramps here and there but nothing unmanageable.
After a little while, once I had made my boys lunch and had a cup of coffee, I went up to take a shower. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding really heavy before I got in. And it all sort of washed over me with the hot water...I just lost my baby. Even though the sac had always stayed empty, I still look at it as if it were my baby, because it was supposed to be. It was still half me and half my husband and just like all 5 of my living children and my 3 other angel babies. I loved this baby as much as I love all of them, even if I was shocked and panicked when I first found out. My oldest came home as I was getting out of the shower and just sat with me and held me while I took a moment to just reflect. I know I shouldn’t lean on her, she’s my kid, but I needed that. Because on some level, she gets it.
I was texting with my hormone specialist about all of this the other night, and she assured me that Blighted Ovums (or anembryotic pregnancies) are a complete horrible fluke and not related to age or anything I may or may not have done. She also gave me the space to talk about how I was feeling emotionally, which was nice.
The other day I ran in to someone I know from my community and she was visibly pregnant, and she was wearing a shirt that eluded to the surprise nature of her pregnancy (something about the baby being a plot twist) and while I didn’t go up to speak with her, I did silently wonder why she got to keep her surprise and I didn’t.
I suspect when I go to the doctor my uterus is going to be empty and just look like a normal menstrating uterus. I hope my doctor clears metonuse tampons because pads are just like another reminder that things went horribly wrong, and also because I want to be able to swim on our little getaway this weekend. I took off even earlier on Sunday than I had originally planned because I just need a mental break and reset. I had actually decided to do that on Tuesday when I was just feeling so emotionally raw again.
Tonight I am just going to lay low and be sad for how this ended. My oldest went to work and make me an incredibly indulgent Pumpkin Pie Frappuccino, and I am going to sit and watch TV with my husband while we get some rare Chinese food and sit just the two of us (and maybe my oldest will join us, she loves to cuddle and watch TV) Tomorrow is the homecoming parade and we will have a full house for the next 2 days so tonight is it.
Watching me lay on the couch looking pitiful and sad, my husband said that we have to make sure this never happens to me again. And that made me even sadder because this is not the ending to the story that I would write. But unfortunately I know enough to know it doesn’t really matter. You don’t always get what you want.
Monday, October 1, 2018
highs and lows
Here I sit in a different type of waiting. Waiting to miscarry this pregnancy. It’s a weird sort of limbo to be in, thinking every twinge and cramp might be it, to check for blood every time I use the bathroom. Each day that passes I don’t think about it quite as much, so much so that I am afraid that when it does start it is going to catch me off guard and totally wreck me. I no longer feel pregnant with the exception of slightly sore boobs and a heightened sense of smell. At least I am no longer nauseous, it’s a certain type of cruel to have pregnant sickness and to not actually have a viable pregnancy. So what does one do while they are waiting to miscarry their surprise pregnancy? I am going to go back in time a week ago and do a little recap.
Last Monday was really rough, just raw emotions seeping out and non-stop grief-crying. I managed to get a decent and much needed amount of sleep and woke up Tuesday feeling still raw but a bit better. I wanted to so badly hide under the covers but I couldn’t so I went a little manic and felt like I could do all the things. Got breakfast and a shower, put on real clothes and got my little boys dressed and went tondonall the shopping for my oldest’s 18th birthday celebration the next day. Overspent on all the groceries but decided life is too short. Realized that when I slowed down that is when the tears would start so I kept moving. Talked to my sister and avoided talking about it and kept steering the conversation to how they are all dealing with the flooding (still) from Hurricane Florence. Spent an inordinate amount of time on the requested birthday Apple pie. Baby boy was likely coming down with something so he was extra difficult to get down to sleep and I just wanted to lay there and cry with him. Stayed up late but never felt tired.
Wednesday was 18th birthday, so I spent all day prepping and making all the requested foods plus a ton of extras. Decided we were just throwing a mid-week after school cookout. Put on real clothes again and plastered on a fake smile and took another child to the orthodontist and acted like everything was just fine, all while feeling like a liar inside. Even looked at pictures of my favorite receptionist’ toddler grandson and her DIL’s very pregnant belly and heard all about the impending birth. Fell apart crying later while writing a special note in a birthday card to my oldest. Internally chastised myself that I needed to get it together. Emotionally ate everything and anything and all the things out of celebration and grief. Booked a hotel room for a weekend beach getaway for the family that we had to postpone a couple weeks ago due to the weather. Also booked train tickets to NYC in December for my girls and I for our mother-daughter trip we decided a while ago we wanted to take. Hotel room has been booked, but it wasn’t set in stone until the train tickets were booked. Had been thinking we might not go, but now there is no reason we shouldn’t.
Thursday and Friday were mostly spent holding a sick little boy and finding indoor things to keep us all occupied in the rain. Exchanged a few messages with the couple people who knew I was pregnant and had to be told the sad news. I think I still have 2 people to tell but I just haven’t had the will to do that. I cuddled my baby boy a lot and relished his little chubby, healing arms around my neck. I tried to get to bed Friday early but Murphy’s Law and the night went terribly wrong. Stressed out because we were having our first GO LIVE day at work with the new system and I had to get there early and deal with a million extra people around.
Encountered car issues trying to leave and after 10 minutes of trying had to quickly switch to another vehicle. Was super annoyed driving in to work and walked in to a ton of people and the supervisor I really don’t get along with. She was supposed to be “hovering” but instead decided to micromanage and otherwise cause a ton of confusion while meddling in our work and trying to “teach” us a system she clearly didn’t understand how to use. And she came in sick with a nasty cough and kept coughing in my ear while yelling commands over my shoulder and I lost it on her. Once she was out of the way I figured out everything fine. But not before (in front of no fewer than 6 of my coworkers and BOSS) does she procede to say that isn’t it about time “I had another baby” and that she thought I “should have an even number of kids” and then tried to call me out for my non-answer as agreement or confirmation. Now, normally I probably would have told everyone what I was going through currently, and it did cross my mind to say, but I do not like this person at all and just feel like it’s none of her damn business what is happening with me, and I realllly wasn’t interested in all the sympathy looks and phrases ainwould get from them if I had told them so I said nothing.
And can I just say how freaking mad it makes me that people just assume because I have five children that I am able to get and stay pregnant easily??? Because it does. And also, I have worked here for nearly 12 years, and spent 8 of them trying to get and stay pregnant, so it is not as if I have had a kid every other year since working here. AND this person herself had experienced recurrent pregnancy losses and ended up with a hysterectomy and no living children of her own, so she should freaking no better. And yes, she is also aware I have lost pregnancies before.
That wouldn’t be the end of my day, though. Not at all. A couple hours later I found myself having to go C-ray a baby is the full term nursery. Now, I go to the NICU all the time and it doesn’t bother me, but something about the FTN just got me. And for a brief moment when I first walked in I was alone with the baby, and I could just feel like I was not going to be able to hold it all together, when bybthe grace of God the nurse walks over and talks to me and so I wasn’t going to have to pick up the squishy newborn or be alone in that moment so I flipped my brain and got the job done but MY GOD my heart.
So now it has been a week, and I am still waiting. Going back and forth between complete sadness and utter mania. Trying to keep things moving, trying to stay busy. Throwing myself in to all sorts of ridiculous projects and things. And in the quiet cracks of life feeling so utterly sad and coming to terms with the ending of this, the ending of this chapter of my life. Because it is all tangled together in this messy web of a surprise pregnancy, acceptance of one kind, and now of a loss that sometimes feels greater than the sum of its parts. Wishing all at once that I would just bleed and get it over with, and also so afraid of that, of closing this last sad chapter, because while I was here, I was still so full of hope that things could somehow turn out differently, for all of us.
Last Monday was really rough, just raw emotions seeping out and non-stop grief-crying. I managed to get a decent and much needed amount of sleep and woke up Tuesday feeling still raw but a bit better. I wanted to so badly hide under the covers but I couldn’t so I went a little manic and felt like I could do all the things. Got breakfast and a shower, put on real clothes and got my little boys dressed and went tondonall the shopping for my oldest’s 18th birthday celebration the next day. Overspent on all the groceries but decided life is too short. Realized that when I slowed down that is when the tears would start so I kept moving. Talked to my sister and avoided talking about it and kept steering the conversation to how they are all dealing with the flooding (still) from Hurricane Florence. Spent an inordinate amount of time on the requested birthday Apple pie. Baby boy was likely coming down with something so he was extra difficult to get down to sleep and I just wanted to lay there and cry with him. Stayed up late but never felt tired.
Wednesday was 18th birthday, so I spent all day prepping and making all the requested foods plus a ton of extras. Decided we were just throwing a mid-week after school cookout. Put on real clothes again and plastered on a fake smile and took another child to the orthodontist and acted like everything was just fine, all while feeling like a liar inside. Even looked at pictures of my favorite receptionist’ toddler grandson and her DIL’s very pregnant belly and heard all about the impending birth. Fell apart crying later while writing a special note in a birthday card to my oldest. Internally chastised myself that I needed to get it together. Emotionally ate everything and anything and all the things out of celebration and grief. Booked a hotel room for a weekend beach getaway for the family that we had to postpone a couple weeks ago due to the weather. Also booked train tickets to NYC in December for my girls and I for our mother-daughter trip we decided a while ago we wanted to take. Hotel room has been booked, but it wasn’t set in stone until the train tickets were booked. Had been thinking we might not go, but now there is no reason we shouldn’t.
Thursday and Friday were mostly spent holding a sick little boy and finding indoor things to keep us all occupied in the rain. Exchanged a few messages with the couple people who knew I was pregnant and had to be told the sad news. I think I still have 2 people to tell but I just haven’t had the will to do that. I cuddled my baby boy a lot and relished his little chubby, healing arms around my neck. I tried to get to bed Friday early but Murphy’s Law and the night went terribly wrong. Stressed out because we were having our first GO LIVE day at work with the new system and I had to get there early and deal with a million extra people around.
Encountered car issues trying to leave and after 10 minutes of trying had to quickly switch to another vehicle. Was super annoyed driving in to work and walked in to a ton of people and the supervisor I really don’t get along with. She was supposed to be “hovering” but instead decided to micromanage and otherwise cause a ton of confusion while meddling in our work and trying to “teach” us a system she clearly didn’t understand how to use. And she came in sick with a nasty cough and kept coughing in my ear while yelling commands over my shoulder and I lost it on her. Once she was out of the way I figured out everything fine. But not before (in front of no fewer than 6 of my coworkers and BOSS) does she procede to say that isn’t it about time “I had another baby” and that she thought I “should have an even number of kids” and then tried to call me out for my non-answer as agreement or confirmation. Now, normally I probably would have told everyone what I was going through currently, and it did cross my mind to say, but I do not like this person at all and just feel like it’s none of her damn business what is happening with me, and I realllly wasn’t interested in all the sympathy looks and phrases ainwould get from them if I had told them so I said nothing.
And can I just say how freaking mad it makes me that people just assume because I have five children that I am able to get and stay pregnant easily??? Because it does. And also, I have worked here for nearly 12 years, and spent 8 of them trying to get and stay pregnant, so it is not as if I have had a kid every other year since working here. AND this person herself had experienced recurrent pregnancy losses and ended up with a hysterectomy and no living children of her own, so she should freaking no better. And yes, she is also aware I have lost pregnancies before.
That wouldn’t be the end of my day, though. Not at all. A couple hours later I found myself having to go C-ray a baby is the full term nursery. Now, I go to the NICU all the time and it doesn’t bother me, but something about the FTN just got me. And for a brief moment when I first walked in I was alone with the baby, and I could just feel like I was not going to be able to hold it all together, when bybthe grace of God the nurse walks over and talks to me and so I wasn’t going to have to pick up the squishy newborn or be alone in that moment so I flipped my brain and got the job done but MY GOD my heart.
So now it has been a week, and I am still waiting. Going back and forth between complete sadness and utter mania. Trying to keep things moving, trying to stay busy. Throwing myself in to all sorts of ridiculous projects and things. And in the quiet cracks of life feeling so utterly sad and coming to terms with the ending of this, the ending of this chapter of my life. Because it is all tangled together in this messy web of a surprise pregnancy, acceptance of one kind, and now of a loss that sometimes feels greater than the sum of its parts. Wishing all at once that I would just bleed and get it over with, and also so afraid of that, of closing this last sad chapter, because while I was here, I was still so full of hope that things could somehow turn out differently, for all of us.
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