Hitting the nail in the head

I asked my husband today if his aunt had texted him the same pictures she had texted me yesterday.

“No, what were they?”

“Oh, she was just looking through old photos and found one of me and her boys when they were just a hair taller than me. And one of our first baby boy and you. She had to put the albums away and stop looking at them though. They were making her sad.”

“I don’t get that, why you women are like that. It shouldn’t make you sad. It an exciting new time in life, it’s like a graduation, moving in to the next phase of life. You should be happy.”

“No, babe. To us it feels like a loss. To us it is a loss.”

Well 2018...

I feel like I lost so much of this year. Time is always a thief, but this year took more than it’s fair share. I almost can’t even remember the first half of the year because the second half was so full of stress and struggles and sadness.

Basically from the time we received that lawsuit in June everything just went downhill. I hardly enjoyed most of the summer with the kids because I was so stressed out and scared, and spent so much time worrying and collecting information and years-old documents. The stress of that didn’t let up at all until we were presented with the stress of a non-viable surprise pregnancy. I am left with a lot of lingering anger and PTSD and sadness, even now. There are just so many things ending and changing this school year. I don’t really know how to cope with it all.

It took me a very long time to get in to the holiday spirit this year...and here it is Christmas has come and gone. I don’t know exactly what it is I am struggling with that has made it hard to put my heart and soul into this season. Is it the financial part? We never really have the money to afford the holiday the way we do, so that is nothing new. Part of me feels undeserving, but I don’t really know why except that I feel like I am failing at this parenting/adulting gig, but I don’t know why I feel that way either. And I definitely feel like I was robbed of something this year, of several somethings, like peace and security. 

I think I may have some PPD going on in some form. I have definitely lost the sense of joy and peace  altogether. I feel a lot like I am just going through the motions of life and that I am otherwise just faking it big time. I feel a lot lost. I feel a lot like I’m doing life all wrong.

Sitting in mass on Christmas Eve, I suddenly became very aware that I should be feeling my baby kick right about now, I should be rubbing my baby belly and feeling my baby kick. And today I noticed...my arms are smooth from losing my arm hair from the post-miscarriage hormone loss. My haircut is shorter now so I haven’t noticed that hair loss as much as usual, but I have lost my arm hair before. And I woke up today with my period, so it’s all just a reminder of a year that went so wrong in so many ways. It’s all a reminder that grief sneaks up on you, and a reminder that I am still trying to find my footing after such a tumultuous year.

It’s a combination of finally having some free time to sit and process this holiday season. I am finally able to take a breath and sit by myself and let my mind wander, instead of having a million hings to do or thinking of all the million things I need to do. I finally got a decent nights’ sleep and don’t feel like I am running on empty physically. Emotionally I don’t feel like I have a lot left in the tank though.

I have always hated New Years. It’s just never been a great time for me, ever, going way, way back. I hate the build up to the calendar changing, as if that makes everything go away. I hate the implied obligations to make and keep resolutions. I refuse to get caught up in all of that nonsense.

I pray that 2019 is a better year for all of us everywhere. I pray that if you are struggling or sad or flailing that you find your footing and your way. I hope that we can all find that thing that makes us feel whole again. I hope that wherever you are and whoever you are, you know that you are not alone. That we all have our struggles and stresses and sadness. I hope that everyone realizes that they are enough. I hope that love wins out. I hope that we all find our way through the madness.

I hope that 2019 helps me to be better, in every way.