On this exact day 11 years ago, my father passed away from cancer. I won’t ever forget the details of that day, as much as I wish I could. Probably a subconscious reason why Monday’s are always so dreadful to me.
My life changed so much when he died. I changed so much. I have often sat and thought about how different my life would be now if he hadn’t died. Because when I lost him, I lost a part of myself, and I lost my way for a while. I am definitely not the same person I was before he died.
I still miss him every day. Probably daily I have a question he would know the answer to, or something cool happened he would love to have heard about. I know he has the best seat in the house now, but still.
It’s still too hard to write about the day he died in too much detail, or even the weeks and months leading up to it. Of what it was like caring for my father as he was dying. I can say with certainty that there wasn’t anything left unsaid between us...I loved him and he loved me and we always told each other that. He knew I was sorry for the shit teenager I was, and I believe he was proud of the woman I was becoming.
I sometimes feel like now he wouldn’t be so proud of me...like I flounder most days...but that’s only been since he has been gone, really. Losing him made me question my faith, my own mortality, the point of it all. It’s impossible to fully grasp the weight of it all.
Even though I know he knows my kids in a way no one else can, I still wish he could know them on this earth. But more than having him know them, I think they are the ones missing out in knowing him.
Because he was that good. Because he was that special. Because no one will ever be as good as him, he was one of a kind, an old-school man from another lifetime. Because he was my dad.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Friday, January 25, 2019
Happy Friday Updates
So I realize that I tend to only blog much when I am down, in a negative headspace, even if it’s just momentarily. I have always been like this...all of my best writing in high school came during my most morose times. I just find it really hard to write when I am happy, or even neutral. All or nothing, that’s me. I’m either all in or I’m not in at all. Trying to spout more positivity in hopes that I end up internalizing it more, I am going to do a little update-y post of all the good things in my life right now.
*Toddler Boy is turning 5 on Sunday, which is so crazy to me. His nickname is Smoosh (rhymes with tush), so I guess I will call him that here now, since he’s not a toddler anymore. I took the day off work so we are going to have his first ever friend party, since it’s the first time he’s been in school with his own friends. We have about 5 kids coming, which is plenty! I wanted to get a bounce house but the weather is going to be just slightly too cold to pull that off. He asked for a piñata, so we are doing that. I have a Pin the tail on the Donkey game, mini marshmallows for catching marshmallows in your mouth game, some yummy snacks like pretzels and cheese balls, a sponge bob cake, and a craft. I’m actually excited about this because I got these cool dot paint markers and some 8x10 canvases the kids are going to paint. We just tested out the paint markers and they work well. After the kids leave, we are having a family party. My best friend and her family are coming over since they are the Godparents, and my mom will be here. I’m making a big Mexican meal of tacos and Spanish rice. It’s going to be a long and busy day celebrating the little boy I hoped and prayed and waited 8 years for.
*I have spent some solo time with each of my older kids recently. This is not always easy to do, so I try and make it a priority because it’s so important to me. They are changing so fast, and it helps me get to know who each of them are right now. Last night was my son’s turn. He turned 13 a month ago, and you would think it would be a weird age but I refuse to let it. I laugh because he still is the same as he was as a baby when out shopping...the first 20 minutes are fine and then he’s just done with it. He’s definitely going through a growth spurt because he just passed me in height and the amount of food he is able to eat at one time is remarkable.
*My dog got really ill a couple weeks ago, but luckily enough we were able to get to the cause (Addison’s disease) and it’s totally treatable and inexpensive to deal with. She’s already back to her old self, which is a huge relief because I don’t think I could have dealt with loss again so soon.
*Good in the world outweighs the bad. If you google Vernon Davis (the Washington Redskins tight end) you will find a recent article about him gifting Super bowl tickets to a grieving family. TMZ.com has the full article with pictures, but this is a family from our community who lost their 18 year old son New Year’s Day to Glioblastoma (What John McCain and Beau Biden had). The boy was a classmate of my oldest daughter, the sister a classmate of my younger daughter, and his long-time girlfriend is one of my pre-K son’s student teachers. You hear about these kind of good deeds all the time, but none have ever reached this close to home and it just gives me so much hope.
*I continue to be so thankful for my work peeps. Truly, I am so glad that I can show up for work and have people that get me and accept me and make it so much easier to leave my house and go to work, and to do an, at times, difficult job. These people lift me up in so many ways and I just don’t know what I would do without all of them. We are all so different and lead very different lives, but these people are part of my tribe. We are currently planning a post-holidays get together to celebrate our coworkers Master’s degree (she graduated just before Christmas and it was too crazy to try and do something then.)
*We have been putting together a yearbook page to celebrate my teen’s impending graduation this year so we have been sorting through a ton of pictures, old and new. It’s amazing, all the photos I am just discovering that other people have had on their phones that I have never seen. And so bittersweet to look through all the old baby pictures and go back in time. I still have to write a blurb to go on our page, and I am having a hard time finding the right words. How do you put into words in a short and concise sentence or two exactly what this child means to me (us) not only being the kid that made me a mom for the first time, but also will be the first kid I have to let go out in to the world??? Seems impossible almost.
*Quiet-ish nights spent on the couch watching TV with my husband, where we can talk and catch up and truly just relax, in my pjs, just as is. I’m so damn thankful to have my person, even when we fight, that I can feel so secure with, that I can be myself no matter what. Especially as I hear other stories about people out about in the dating world, I just truly can’t imagine having to be out there doing that. I am so glad that’s not me. I have no desire for that life. I would much rather my time not be my time and to have this life than any other, and day of the week.
*A couple weekends ago I heard my oldest son as his oldest sister to hang out one weekend night, and suddenly all 3 of the older kids were out hanging out together. They came in the door laughing and wouldn’t share their inside jokes. My heart almost exploded, I can’t even tell you how happy that made me. They may fight like crazy at home, but out in the world they are each other’s fiercest protectors and best buddies. And yesterday I happened to be putting some clean clothes in my oldest’s room, and saw a new frame and collage on her way, and most of the pictures are her and her siblings, all the selfies they have taken together. And somehow all of that made me realize that when they do finally go out in to the world, that they are all going to be just fine.
*Toddler Boy is turning 5 on Sunday, which is so crazy to me. His nickname is Smoosh (rhymes with tush), so I guess I will call him that here now, since he’s not a toddler anymore. I took the day off work so we are going to have his first ever friend party, since it’s the first time he’s been in school with his own friends. We have about 5 kids coming, which is plenty! I wanted to get a bounce house but the weather is going to be just slightly too cold to pull that off. He asked for a piñata, so we are doing that. I have a Pin the tail on the Donkey game, mini marshmallows for catching marshmallows in your mouth game, some yummy snacks like pretzels and cheese balls, a sponge bob cake, and a craft. I’m actually excited about this because I got these cool dot paint markers and some 8x10 canvases the kids are going to paint. We just tested out the paint markers and they work well. After the kids leave, we are having a family party. My best friend and her family are coming over since they are the Godparents, and my mom will be here. I’m making a big Mexican meal of tacos and Spanish rice. It’s going to be a long and busy day celebrating the little boy I hoped and prayed and waited 8 years for.
*I have spent some solo time with each of my older kids recently. This is not always easy to do, so I try and make it a priority because it’s so important to me. They are changing so fast, and it helps me get to know who each of them are right now. Last night was my son’s turn. He turned 13 a month ago, and you would think it would be a weird age but I refuse to let it. I laugh because he still is the same as he was as a baby when out shopping...the first 20 minutes are fine and then he’s just done with it. He’s definitely going through a growth spurt because he just passed me in height and the amount of food he is able to eat at one time is remarkable.
*My dog got really ill a couple weeks ago, but luckily enough we were able to get to the cause (Addison’s disease) and it’s totally treatable and inexpensive to deal with. She’s already back to her old self, which is a huge relief because I don’t think I could have dealt with loss again so soon.
*Good in the world outweighs the bad. If you google Vernon Davis (the Washington Redskins tight end) you will find a recent article about him gifting Super bowl tickets to a grieving family. TMZ.com has the full article with pictures, but this is a family from our community who lost their 18 year old son New Year’s Day to Glioblastoma (What John McCain and Beau Biden had). The boy was a classmate of my oldest daughter, the sister a classmate of my younger daughter, and his long-time girlfriend is one of my pre-K son’s student teachers. You hear about these kind of good deeds all the time, but none have ever reached this close to home and it just gives me so much hope.
*I continue to be so thankful for my work peeps. Truly, I am so glad that I can show up for work and have people that get me and accept me and make it so much easier to leave my house and go to work, and to do an, at times, difficult job. These people lift me up in so many ways and I just don’t know what I would do without all of them. We are all so different and lead very different lives, but these people are part of my tribe. We are currently planning a post-holidays get together to celebrate our coworkers Master’s degree (she graduated just before Christmas and it was too crazy to try and do something then.)
*We have been putting together a yearbook page to celebrate my teen’s impending graduation this year so we have been sorting through a ton of pictures, old and new. It’s amazing, all the photos I am just discovering that other people have had on their phones that I have never seen. And so bittersweet to look through all the old baby pictures and go back in time. I still have to write a blurb to go on our page, and I am having a hard time finding the right words. How do you put into words in a short and concise sentence or two exactly what this child means to me (us) not only being the kid that made me a mom for the first time, but also will be the first kid I have to let go out in to the world??? Seems impossible almost.
*Quiet-ish nights spent on the couch watching TV with my husband, where we can talk and catch up and truly just relax, in my pjs, just as is. I’m so damn thankful to have my person, even when we fight, that I can feel so secure with, that I can be myself no matter what. Especially as I hear other stories about people out about in the dating world, I just truly can’t imagine having to be out there doing that. I am so glad that’s not me. I have no desire for that life. I would much rather my time not be my time and to have this life than any other, and day of the week.
*A couple weekends ago I heard my oldest son as his oldest sister to hang out one weekend night, and suddenly all 3 of the older kids were out hanging out together. They came in the door laughing and wouldn’t share their inside jokes. My heart almost exploded, I can’t even tell you how happy that made me. They may fight like crazy at home, but out in the world they are each other’s fiercest protectors and best buddies. And yesterday I happened to be putting some clean clothes in my oldest’s room, and saw a new frame and collage on her way, and most of the pictures are her and her siblings, all the selfies they have taken together. And somehow all of that made me realize that when they do finally go out in to the world, that they are all going to be just fine.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
haunted
I have been having very vivid baby dreams lately. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to remind myself it was a dream, that I am not pregnant, that it wasn’t real. I have been waking up feeling very unsettled because of it, and very out of sorts in a way I can’t put into words. And I remember these dreams, although I usually don’t remember any dreams ever at all, and they stick with me.
We finally took the crib down from its place in our room next to our bed where it has been for about 3 years now. It hasn’t been slept in since our first night back from vacation last August, and then we had the news so we left it up. But two weeks ago I just couldn’t look at it anymore, and I asked my husband to take it down while I was at work that weekend. I came home to that empty space and it took my breath away, I think my hearted stopped beating for a moment before it resumed aching in my chest. The space is still there. I honestly can not even remember what we had there in its place when we first moved in. Nothing seems to fit.
I wish I could stop feeling so haunted.
We finally took the crib down from its place in our room next to our bed where it has been for about 3 years now. It hasn’t been slept in since our first night back from vacation last August, and then we had the news so we left it up. But two weeks ago I just couldn’t look at it anymore, and I asked my husband to take it down while I was at work that weekend. I came home to that empty space and it took my breath away, I think my hearted stopped beating for a moment before it resumed aching in my chest. The space is still there. I honestly can not even remember what we had there in its place when we first moved in. Nothing seems to fit.
I wish I could stop feeling so haunted.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Anti-New Years
I truly dislike New Years. This goes all the way back many, many, many years ago. I have just never had a great New Years, and in fact have had some pretty spectacularly scrappy ones. This isn’t even something I want to try and change or make right and have a good one...I would just as soon go to bed early and wake up without ever having acknowledged the whole New Years thing. Lest you think I am some sort of New Years grinch, my husband is on the same page as I am. When asked by one of our kids if they could stay up until midnight, my husband said “We just don’t celebrate New Years in this house guys.” He has never had a good NEw Years either, even with me. In fact, our relationship almost didn’t make it last New Years in the very beginning because of our curse on this day. It was also the day I found out my father was dying, in a long line of crappy Dec. 31/Jan 1s in my lifetime, but this isn’t the sole reason I dislike it...I hated it waaaay before that.
This year I have come the closet I ever have and that feels pretty darn...good. While we did get together with friends yesterday afternoon, it was because we were all available about because it was New Years Eve. We were supposed to go to our favorite Chinese Buffet for lunch, but becaus New Years brings us crappy luck, the chef became ill and the couldn’t have the buffet at all. I managed to avoid all New Year’s Eve celebration coverage by watching Netflix, and saw nothing of that stupid ball in stupid, crowded Times Square. I stayed up a tad later than usual, but was asleep long before midnight and the rain kept the neighborhood fireworks from being set off, and I got up and went to work as per usual on this day.
And, as of 9pm on Jan. 1st, I have managed to not receive a SINGLE text wishing me a happy new year, which feels like the biggest blessing of all. I only managed to exchange the sentiment to a few people at work just being polite in passing, but definitely wasn’t the first to mention it. So to me that feels like a victory and the very best way to start my new calendar.
This year I have come the closet I ever have and that feels pretty darn...good. While we did get together with friends yesterday afternoon, it was because we were all available about because it was New Years Eve. We were supposed to go to our favorite Chinese Buffet for lunch, but becaus New Years brings us crappy luck, the chef became ill and the couldn’t have the buffet at all. I managed to avoid all New Year’s Eve celebration coverage by watching Netflix, and saw nothing of that stupid ball in stupid, crowded Times Square. I stayed up a tad later than usual, but was asleep long before midnight and the rain kept the neighborhood fireworks from being set off, and I got up and went to work as per usual on this day.
And, as of 9pm on Jan. 1st, I have managed to not receive a SINGLE text wishing me a happy new year, which feels like the biggest blessing of all. I only managed to exchange the sentiment to a few people at work just being polite in passing, but definitely wasn’t the first to mention it. So to me that feels like a victory and the very best way to start my new calendar.
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