anger

I wasn't going to write about this, but I really need a place to put some of my feelings. Hopefully by putting it here I can let some of it go.

So, I have written a lot about a friendship that I outgrew that had started to become toxic. If you are curious you can go back to posts from the last third of 2015 and some in 2016, and there are a few others sprinkled through this blog. What has made it hard about ending this friendship is that she is the godmother of my oldest daughter, and so it wasn't as clean of a break as I would have liked or needed, but I always tried to remain neutral for the sake of my kid.

I haven't spoken to her in a very long time. Any text messages were usually initiated by her and mostly I didn't respond or had little to say. There were just some things over the past couple years (especially that for someone who still wanted to maintain a friendship, she didn't step up when I did reach out in a crisis last summer.) The farther away from the friendship I got I realized I wasn't missing anything at all, and that actually I was better off without her.

She was supposed to attend my daughter's graduation in June but backed out at the last minute, claiming she didn't want her presence to create any "drama" for anyone else (meaning me). This was just one more thing that proved she continues to make things all about her, and is a selfish person at the crux of it. I was very angry and upset by her choice, because her being there would have meant so much to my kid. My daughter was upset but trying to focus on graduating, and asked me to not get involved and say anything. To me, that was the final straw, and I blocked her number. I was going to say something but in the end decided it wasn't worth my time, and that nothing I could say would make her change her mind. I did talk with my daughter the week after graduation about it, letting her know that I did not even talk to this person at all, so that it wasn't anything I might have said that made her feel like she couldn't come. I explained that I was upset for her, and that it was okay to expect more from someone, and that the day was about her graduating and this big accomplishment and new chapter, not about anyone else, and she deserved people in her life that would treat her that way. My daughter acknowledged how upset this made her, and that she had started to notice how selfish she was just over this and different things she had picked up on over the years. 

This person did visit my daughter at work one day and gave her a card and just said sorry I couldn't make it, and left. 

I just found this out today, but apparently over the summer when this person's birthday arrived, she wasn't happy that "all my daughter did" was text her a birthday message. She called and left my daughter a voicemail message chastising her for "not making time for her" and "doing more" or "offering to take me out BECAUSE I GAVE YOU $40 FOR YOUR GRADUATION" and “I did for you, you do for me”. 

Yes. Let that sink in. a 41 year old woman left that kind of message for her 18 year old goddaughter.

I CAN'T EVEN. there are no words. but also...FUCK HER. OMG. how dare you leave that kind of a selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, asshole message to MY KID. I had so much anger I didn't even know what to do with it.

I was also just so devastated and heartbroken for my daughter. She didn't deserve that kind of message from someone who is supposed to be a mentor to her, someone she looks up to and respects. How hurtful that was.

And also? The majority of raising kids is doing stuff for them and not getting a lot in return. It’s a whole lot of doing, doing, doing and sometimes that’s about it. It can be thankless a lot of the time or things that go unnoticed. It takes a long time to ever truly appreciate all the things parents do. So expecting a just-out-of-highschool teen to even think she could or would be expected to take someone twice her age out to a birthday anything is a bit...odd? I don’t know. I know my 18 year old self wouldn’t have thought to treat my godmother to a day out for her birthday. What in the world??? More importantly, where is the unconditional love here? The giving a gift because you want to and it makes you feel good to make someone else happy, not what you expect to get in return? That’s just not how I was raised, or how I’m raising my kids.

My daughter came home soon after I found out. I asked her to sit so we could talk. I was almost in tears having to bring this up, but I told her I knew about the message. And her face fell. And she said she had never responded to her, that she had not spoken or texted with her in the almost 2 months since that message. I think in part because she felt embarrassed...as if she had in fact done something ungrateful or wrong. I assured her that was not the case...that it was unacceptable for anyone to treat her that way and leave her such a mean and hateful message. We talked about how its terrible and how much it hurts when someone you loved and trusted does not act the way in which you think they will act. How 2 months have gone by and this person has never for a second thought that maybe what they did was wrong and out of line and reached out to apologize. How the silence from her speaks volumes.

I mean...you hate me, you are mad at me? Fine. Great. Treat me badly, say whatever you want to me. But don't you dare mess with my kid. That's unforgivable.

My daughter came to the conclusion on her own that this person is not really worthy of her time and energy any longer. That as upsetting as it is, that she deserves better in her life. She is not short on adults who love her and cheer for her and only want the best for her. People who are kind always and have her best interest at heart. People that will gift her things and not expect anything in return. 

She asked for a new phone number. We got a new phone number. Not solely because of this but also because she wanted a fresh start and has had this number since middle school, and sometimes gets messages from people she doesn't want to hear from.

I went in to my blocked numbers and sent one last message. I said that it wasn't bad enough she had to be selfish instead of putting herself aside and attend the graduation, but then she had to be ridiculous and leave such a nasty message throwing her gift back in my daughter's face, and how there is no redemption from that, for how much she hurt my kid. How I never talked bad about her to my daughter so that she wouldn't want to spend time with her, but that she showed her true colors and that now my daughter knew the truth. How I found her actions to be sad, and how she was not welcome to contact me nor anyone in my family ever again.

I feel like the anger from this is going to stick with me for a while. I realized the kind of person she was turning into...I am just so sorry I couldn't protect my daughter from finding out in this way.