This time next Tuesday I will be on a quick, solo trip to Chicago. I have never been, and I am very excited. It’s supposed to be very cold (well colder than the east coast has been so far) so I have to pack accordingly.
Here’s how it came about. My best friend (who is a bit older than me) has a daughter who’s about 10 years younger than me. Her daughter and her and very close, more like friends, and has always been involved and around. When we do things, it’s always the 3 of us, and it’s pretty awesome. Her daughter moved to Chicago 3.5 years ago for a job on a very popular TV show that films there. She’s behind the scenes, not on camera. I’ll call her Tori.
Recently Tori has been having a harder time...just with the loneliness that comes from being in a different city than your family. When she moved out there she was living with a friend who has since gotten married and moved. It’s also the last year of the show, so with a potential loss of income amidst just general life stuff, she’s having a tough go of it. Of course, I’ve offered all I can (Netflix passwords, access to an online grocery delivery account) to help her if she gets in a jam or just needs anything. She also took a second job, and has realized between the two she couldn’t travel home for Thanksgiving, instead opting for the Christmas-New Years dark week at her main job.
I suggested to my friend that we should try and take a girls trip to visit Tori. Anyway, it turned into this whole thing (on her part) and between that and her new job she opted not to go. There’s a lot more to it, but as it’s not my thing and I don’t totally understand enough, I’m not going to delve into all that. But I had already figured out it was super inexpensive to fly there, had it all worked out on my end with my family to go, so when the ticket dropped to $72 round trip I booked it without thinking twice.
I love traveling on my own. I have a place to stay and things to do while Tori is at work. I get to go with her to the set and check out all the exciting things there, and then I’ll go off and do my own thing in between. A co-worker recently went, so he has money left on his mass transit pass he’s giving me to use. I booked the early flight Tuesday and the latest flight Wednesday, so I have 2 full days basically. I’m going to drive myself and utilize short-term parking with shuttle service at the airport, and I have an under the seat rolling bag that’s free. Since I don’t need to worry about taking shampoo and stuff like that it should be plenty of space for me. My oldest arranged to be off during the day so she can hang out with my Baby boy (4 on Saturday...!!!) while my husband is at work and she can get my Kindergartener off the bus, which stops right in front of our house.
I’m super excited to visit this new city and to spend time with Tori and see this new life she’s built. I’m kinda bummed her mom isn’t coming to, more for Tori than for me. But I can’t control that situation. So I’m just going to be there for her daughter, the same way I know my friend would be there for mine.
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
one and twenty
Oct. 22, 1999 I met my husband. I only remembered the exact date because it was the day after I took my Boards, back when it was on paper and only given a few times a year, so I knew that date I would take them long before I ever would. I met him and initially left not knowing if I would actually talk to him again. And my sister and best friend at the time heard me all wish-washy if I would talk to him and declared I would marry him, before either of them that ever even met him. And it ended up very quickly turning into a great big mutual falling in love.
The fact that I even met him that night was out of sheer desperation. I had been unceremoniously stood up by a fellow classmate/person I was really into, leaving me the 5th wheel in a group of couples who were pretty tipsy and being very all over each other. 2 were married friends of mine, the other 2 friends of theirs and ones I really didn’t like. It was miserable and the girl I didn’t like literally said to me in the car on the way to the next bar “you must feel really left out”. So when I saw a cute guy sitting alone on the other side of the bar, I noticed and thought maybe I would have someone to talk to or give me a ride home. Or something. I tried to rope in my friend M, and asked her what she thought of this guy. Was he actually cute or was I just desperate? And M started pointing at the wrong guy saying to just call him over and I panicked because please don’t call the wrong guy over! And she said go talk to him. And I had this flash of thought that my night was already so bad that I’d go over and his girlfriend would walk out from the bathroom and I would end up in a fight that I wasn’t up for. So I just did a few more shots to try and block out everything. But I kept looking over at this guy. Until M stands up and screams across the bar “Hey you, come over here!” and half the guys in the bar move forward, until she singled the guy out. I introduce myself and try and apologize for this scene...the drunk yelling across the bar, the 2 drunk couples with their tongues down each other’s throats right at the table with us. We tried to talk but the scene at our table was beyond that. The other girl was now laying sprawled over the bar stool and the guy was leaning over her aggressively kissing her, and my friend M was howling with laughter when this guy said his name , because somehow I had dated 3 other guys (2 recently) with the same name. He was looking around at the scene before us and said “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” And I was all “yes please, like anywhere but here right now” and so I left with him.
Guys, I KNOW. I was sober enough to know what I was doing and to have 2 thoughts as we were walking out 1.) maybe he will turn out to be a decent guy and we will talk for a few and I can find my way back to my car. I know M’s house is sort of near here.
And 2) Or he’s a serial killer, in which case this night has been the most awful and I just want to die anyway and he will just murder me and put me out of my misery.
Turns out he was a nice guy. Waaaay nicer and better than me, in fact. Totally not used to the wildness of my crew and all those shenanigans. At the bar alone and lonely. Lived quite nearby. We ended up having some stuff in common and he was cutely overly excited about that. I was sort of humoring him and biding time until I thought it would be ok to ask if he could help me find my car. (I didn’t know the area super well, but knew enough to help navigate my way back.) We ended up talking until 4am. I quietly snuck back into my friends house and slept on the couch for a couple hours.
I’ve talked to him everyday since. We used to try and celebrate together quietly on that date. Reminisce about that night, watch the movie he was so excited to show me that night. Some years it just slips right by without being noticed.
Oct. 22, 2018 19 years after meeting I was at the surgery center to have a D&C after miscarrying our 8th pregnancy. There isn’t a lot to say about that that I haven’t already said. It was devastating. I didn’t want him to go with me, partly for logistical reasons, partly because I felt so alone that I just wanted to be alone. I only conceded to let my friend take me when I found out they wouldn’t let me go home alone or even in an Uber after being under anesthesia. I remember going into the changing room to change into the hospital gown and compression socks and just standing there undressing, feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my life, where it was almost crippling, the aloneness. That’s what stands out the most from that day.
One year later. I’m on my cycle and bleeding. That’s not lost on me. 20 years we have spent together, trying to build and compete our family. 20 years is a long time to be on this TTC train. I’ve been on it so long I don’t know how the hell to get off.
Tonight. We are going out to a late movie after the littles are asleep. Not because we are celebrating this day. Because it’s Tuesday and I just found out about a Thanks rewards program we get through out wireless and TV provider, where movie tickets are Buy-one-get one free every Tuesday. And there’s actually a movie I would venture out to a theater to see. (ZombieLand Double Tap) that I think will be worth it. And that somehow when I entered everything in, the rewards paid for more than one ticket plus the fees and left me with a $10 balance, which I had an old gift card that covered the rest. So it’s a free date night. That thanks to my period plus a head cold, I don’t exactly feel up for. But I’m going to go anyway.
Because free tickets.
Because 1 and 20.
The fact that I even met him that night was out of sheer desperation. I had been unceremoniously stood up by a fellow classmate/person I was really into, leaving me the 5th wheel in a group of couples who were pretty tipsy and being very all over each other. 2 were married friends of mine, the other 2 friends of theirs and ones I really didn’t like. It was miserable and the girl I didn’t like literally said to me in the car on the way to the next bar “you must feel really left out”. So when I saw a cute guy sitting alone on the other side of the bar, I noticed and thought maybe I would have someone to talk to or give me a ride home. Or something. I tried to rope in my friend M, and asked her what she thought of this guy. Was he actually cute or was I just desperate? And M started pointing at the wrong guy saying to just call him over and I panicked because please don’t call the wrong guy over! And she said go talk to him. And I had this flash of thought that my night was already so bad that I’d go over and his girlfriend would walk out from the bathroom and I would end up in a fight that I wasn’t up for. So I just did a few more shots to try and block out everything. But I kept looking over at this guy. Until M stands up and screams across the bar “Hey you, come over here!” and half the guys in the bar move forward, until she singled the guy out. I introduce myself and try and apologize for this scene...the drunk yelling across the bar, the 2 drunk couples with their tongues down each other’s throats right at the table with us. We tried to talk but the scene at our table was beyond that. The other girl was now laying sprawled over the bar stool and the guy was leaning over her aggressively kissing her, and my friend M was howling with laughter when this guy said his name , because somehow I had dated 3 other guys (2 recently) with the same name. He was looking around at the scene before us and said “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” And I was all “yes please, like anywhere but here right now” and so I left with him.
Guys, I KNOW. I was sober enough to know what I was doing and to have 2 thoughts as we were walking out 1.) maybe he will turn out to be a decent guy and we will talk for a few and I can find my way back to my car. I know M’s house is sort of near here.
And 2) Or he’s a serial killer, in which case this night has been the most awful and I just want to die anyway and he will just murder me and put me out of my misery.
Turns out he was a nice guy. Waaaay nicer and better than me, in fact. Totally not used to the wildness of my crew and all those shenanigans. At the bar alone and lonely. Lived quite nearby. We ended up having some stuff in common and he was cutely overly excited about that. I was sort of humoring him and biding time until I thought it would be ok to ask if he could help me find my car. (I didn’t know the area super well, but knew enough to help navigate my way back.) We ended up talking until 4am. I quietly snuck back into my friends house and slept on the couch for a couple hours.
I’ve talked to him everyday since. We used to try and celebrate together quietly on that date. Reminisce about that night, watch the movie he was so excited to show me that night. Some years it just slips right by without being noticed.
Oct. 22, 2018 19 years after meeting I was at the surgery center to have a D&C after miscarrying our 8th pregnancy. There isn’t a lot to say about that that I haven’t already said. It was devastating. I didn’t want him to go with me, partly for logistical reasons, partly because I felt so alone that I just wanted to be alone. I only conceded to let my friend take me when I found out they wouldn’t let me go home alone or even in an Uber after being under anesthesia. I remember going into the changing room to change into the hospital gown and compression socks and just standing there undressing, feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my life, where it was almost crippling, the aloneness. That’s what stands out the most from that day.
One year later. I’m on my cycle and bleeding. That’s not lost on me. 20 years we have spent together, trying to build and compete our family. 20 years is a long time to be on this TTC train. I’ve been on it so long I don’t know how the hell to get off.
Tonight. We are going out to a late movie after the littles are asleep. Not because we are celebrating this day. Because it’s Tuesday and I just found out about a Thanks rewards program we get through out wireless and TV provider, where movie tickets are Buy-one-get one free every Tuesday. And there’s actually a movie I would venture out to a theater to see. (ZombieLand Double Tap) that I think will be worth it. And that somehow when I entered everything in, the rewards paid for more than one ticket plus the fees and left me with a $10 balance, which I had an old gift card that covered the rest. So it’s a free date night. That thanks to my period plus a head cold, I don’t exactly feel up for. But I’m going to go anyway.
Because free tickets.
Because 1 and 20.
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