one and twenty

Oct. 22, 1999 I met my husband. I only remembered the exact date because it was the day after I took my Boards, back when it was on paper and only given a few times a year, so I knew that date I would take them long before I ever would. I met him and initially left not knowing if I would actually talk to him again. And my sister and best friend at the time heard me all wish-washy if I would talk to him and declared I would marry him, before either of them that ever even met him. And it ended up very quickly turning into a great big mutual falling in love.

The fact that I even met him that night was out of sheer desperation. I had been unceremoniously stood up by a fellow classmate/person I was really into, leaving me the 5th wheel in a group of couples who were pretty tipsy and being very all over each other. 2 were married friends of mine, the other 2 friends of theirs and ones I really didn’t like. It was miserable and the girl I didn’t like literally said to me in the car on the way to the next bar “you must feel really left out”. So when I saw a cute guy sitting alone on the other side of the bar, I noticed and thought maybe I would have someone to talk to or give me a ride home. Or something. I tried to rope in my friend M, and asked her what she thought of this guy. Was he actually cute or was I just desperate? And M started pointing at the wrong guy saying to just call him over and I panicked because please don’t call the wrong guy over! And she said go talk to him. And I had this flash of thought that my night was already so bad that I’d go over and his girlfriend would walk out from the bathroom and I would end up in a fight that I wasn’t up for. So I just did a few more shots to try and block out everything. But I kept looking over at this guy. Until M stands up and screams across the bar “Hey you, come over here!” and half the guys in the bar move forward, until she singled the guy out. I introduce myself and try and apologize for this scene...the drunk yelling across the bar, the 2 drunk couples with their tongues down each other’s throats right at the table with us. We tried to talk but the scene at our table was beyond that. The other girl was now laying sprawled over the bar stool and the guy was leaning over her aggressively kissing her, and my friend M was howling with laughter when this guy said his name , because somehow I had dated 3 other guys (2 recently) with the same name. He was looking around at the scene before us and said “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” And I was all “yes please, like anywhere but here right now” and so I left with him.

Guys, I KNOW. I was sober enough to know what I was doing and to have 2 thoughts as we were walking out 1.) maybe he will turn out to be a decent guy and we will talk for a few and I can find my way back to my car. I know M’s house is sort of near here.
And 2) Or he’s a serial killer, in which case this night has been the most awful and I just want to die anyway and he will just murder me and put me out of my misery.

Turns out he was a nice guy. Waaaay nicer and better than me, in fact. Totally not used to the wildness of my crew and all those shenanigans. At the bar alone and lonely. Lived quite nearby. We ended up having some stuff in common and he was cutely overly excited about that. I was sort of humoring him and biding time until I thought it would be ok to ask if he could help me find my car. (I didn’t know the area super well, but knew enough to help navigate my way back.) We ended up talking until 4am. I quietly snuck back into my friends house and slept on the couch for a couple hours.

I’ve talked to him everyday since. We used to try and celebrate together quietly on that date. Reminisce about that night, watch the movie he was so excited to show me that night. Some years it just slips right by without being noticed.

Oct. 22, 2018 19 years after meeting I was at the surgery center to have a D&C after miscarrying our 8th pregnancy. There isn’t a lot to say about that that I haven’t already said. It was devastating. I didn’t want him to go with me, partly for logistical reasons, partly because I felt so alone that I just wanted to be alone. I only conceded to let my friend take me when I found out they wouldn’t let me go home alone or even in an Uber after being under anesthesia. I remember going into the changing room to change into the hospital gown and compression socks and just standing there undressing, feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my life, where it was almost crippling, the aloneness. That’s what stands out the most from that day.

One year later. I’m on my cycle and bleeding. That’s not lost on me. 20 years we have spent together, trying to build and compete our family. 20 years is a long time to be on this TTC train. I’ve been on it so long I don’t know how the hell to get off.

Tonight. We are going out to a late movie after the littles are asleep. Not because we are celebrating this day. Because it’s Tuesday and I just found out about a Thanks rewards program we get through out wireless and TV provider, where movie tickets are Buy-one-get one free every Tuesday. And there’s actually a movie I would venture out to a theater to see. (ZombieLand Double Tap) that I think will be worth it. And that somehow when I entered everything in, the rewards paid for more than one ticket plus the fees and left me with a $10 balance, which I had an old gift card that covered the rest. So it’s a free date night. That thanks to my period plus a head cold, I don’t exactly feel up for. But I’m going to go anyway.

Because free tickets.

Because 1 and 20.