Amazing things can happen when you let love, kindness, and empathy lead. It can be a very hard thing to do, but if you can live like that you will reap great rewards. I know. Because it happened to me.
My story that I’ve been posting about is completely crazy, weird, bizarre, scandalous...the stuff of tv dramas and bad TV movies. Yet it is all true, and it’s my life.
Things seemed to take an unexpected turn at my last post. Guys, this stuff has been really hard to deal with and process at the tail end of a year that was weird and hard in its own right, for everyone on the planet. I’m fatigued, and when that happens I tend to cross over to the dark side and sometimes get stuck there.
But since working hard on my mental health and trying to be a more positive, calm, happy person, I knew I couldn’t stay in the dark place for long.
My husbands lies and actions were awful, but they were coming from a place of rejection and hurt and distrust. In the time since I wrote about learning the truth, more and more truths have come to light, more dark secrets and fears that were hidden have come out. The understanding I have of this man I married is incredible...and it’s given me a real way to help him. He’s been in therapy for a couple weeks now trying to sort out the traumas of his childhood.
And that never would have happened if it weren’t for his ex, who so bravely opened up to me about their shared past. Together we were able to give each other the pieces we truly needed to see the complete picture, and it allowed her some new understanding and closure after all this time. It gave me a jumping off point to further keep putting the pieces together for him to have his memory jogger enough. It also gave him great understanding of all the hurt he caused, because he had been hurt over and over again during his childhood by people he was supposed to be able to trust and who were supposed to protect him.
Yes, I had a big crush on this girl. Yes I think she is amazing. But we are friends...and friends we will stay. Talking to her reminds me of talking to an old friend, like talking to my sister.
So tonight (the 23rd) I found myself done every outside of the house errand, went to alll the packed stores, finished everything. I had a lot of cooking and baking to do...hours worth. Her and I often FaceTime in the evening and sit and chat over folding laundry and a glass of wine, and it’s strangely comforting. Her and I were chatting and as this is her first Christmas after a difficult split, I could sense she was feeling lonely, as I was. I may have a house full of people but it’s not the same as having a sibling or friend to hang out with while doing all the things. I lamented to her that I wish there was a way she could just come over with her girls and hang out. She said she wished that too, and I say maybe someday...
My husband hadn’t seen her in 20+ years...he has a lot of guilt and shame about all of that regarding her.
But, like I said I can’t live in the dark place, I also can’t sit on things I want to do or things that have to be done...I don’t like things hanging over me. It unsettles me at best. So I broached the subject with my husband tonight. He hasn’t even been comfortable with us talking, let alone anything more like a friendship. But I pressed on because that’s what I do. I told him the above story and asked if he thought that would ever be possible. So of course his first reaction was to balk. A lot. But I have a way with words and thoughts and I was able to explain why this is important to me, why she is important to me.
You see, she is part of my story, as much as I don’t like the plot line. She fills in so many parts of all of it, the same as she does now.
So we had her and her youngest daughter over that night. They talked privately, albeit briefly. I checked in with them both separately to make sure each was ok. She stayed for several hours, and we just chatted and baked cookies and did mom stuff. Occasionally my husband would pop in and chat for a few or crack a couple jokes, always his way, which I happen to adore. I love that he makes me laugh. And it was a really fun time.
Since I first started this post on Christmas Eve (it’s Saturday night now) we have all hung out again. She and I had decided since everything was cool or could at least be going forward, that we should get a do over, a chance to really get together to hang out without all the awkwardness of the initial start to the night that sort of hung over us. We all kept it light and funny and just make jokes about the weirdness of the whole situation. So our plans were for her to meet at our house Saturday night, all three of us do a shot together and cheers to friends, then her and I would go find somewhere that wasn’t crowded to grab a late dinner. (Which wasn’t at all hard to do in the closest couple towns near me)
*****side note, I get the vaccine tomorrow (Sunday)!!! I had to read all the disclosures and it’s scary but also not because the information they are providing is is directly from the Pharm company and is incredibly transparent, but also because I’m now part of a clinical study, and they will be taking media photos and recording this crazy bit of history we are all a part of. But I wholeheartedly believe in science, it’s been my passion for as long as I can remember. So vaccinated I will get.*****
So back to Saturday...of course nothing could go to plan. Late Friday night she texted in a panic because some lights came in in her car. It’s already been a year, her first Christmas separated from her husband, and she struggles from anxiety and depression, which I know all too well. So I offered to help and I talked to my oldest son whose a mechanic (he’s 15 but he’s got skills) and he agreed for us to go help her Saturday morning, as long as he was back in time to leave with his oldest sister and her mechanic boyfriend to look at a truck my son wanted to buy. We even found time on Christmas Eve to make an after dinner run to a liquor store and pick out a couple last minute gifts and a nice bottle of whiskey to shoot. Everything was set. Until.
UNTIL...
Hubs and I stay up stupid late Christmas night into Saturday. Basically take a nap. Get up and start getting ready and make sure my son is awake. I’m in the middle of getting dressed when I hear my son from the hallway saying how he can’t go, he had to leave with his sister rightnow!! Wait, what?! Mind you we are already running late and I’ve told her we’d be on the way in 10 minutes. Find out my oldest daughter on a whim changed all these plans to suit what she woke up and felt like doing, had everyone all worked up as per usual, ended up leaving with her big and my son to go to look at the truck...and I’m standing there trying to figure out how I’m going to still help her, when I see my husband pulling on his boots and saying her would go to help. So we went with it. I did text her on the way to warn her, asking her to take a breath and not freak out, so she had a good half hour to get used to the idea. I’ve told him over and over that the more normal he acts, the more normal it will be, for everyone. So we got there and he acted like he was going to help an old friend, making jokes, giving advice, eventually fixing the problem for her without too much effort.
Later that night I was running behind again because my husband I were spending some quality time together while the kids were all occupied with all the new things. Hey, ya gotta stay connected, amiright?! And naked time is the best stress reliever!!!
I digress.
So neither of us were quite ready when she got there but he was more ready than me so he had to answer the door. Luckily the little boys were still up and the older two teeens were floating around so she was well entertained for 10 minutes.(I check the clock when I came downstairs haha) But I brought down my socks and boots and makeup and sat and chatted with her while I finished getting ready (not a usual wearer of makeup but I do like too sometimes even if it’s simple. But these days I’m doing it more because it makes me feel good, and I could always use more of that!! About 10 minutes before we left we all Saluted to friends and had a shot of some of the smoothest whiskey I’ve ever had, and just talked for the last couple minutes. It was nice, it was fun, it was comforting.
I’ve talked to both of them separately to make they are each feeling ok with everything and they both have said that it’s just like a person they once knew, like an old old friend. Usually there’s always gonna be some tension in any long term relationship, even friendships, and so when he reframed it that way he was like yeah it’s like a chance to make things right and ok in the universe. In his universe. She has made a peace with everything long ago.
And I have grown so much from this...I have learned the power of unconditional love...I have learned that I was correct in not stopping my search for the truth, even when my digging caused some huge waves for a lot of people, and that I will always fight for the truth, I have learned how deeply flawed we are as humans, every one of us, though some more than others. But if we can look past the exterior and see what’s inside it’s so damn beautiful. Leading with kindness and love in mind, even when it’s hard. I’ve learned just how incredibly strong and smart and empathetic, and downright fierce I am. I’ve learned an entirely new and deep love for my husband, in a way words can’t describe. I am so damn proud of him. Because of his willingness to fight his instincts and live in the area of kindness and love. Because he’s open to seeing the beauty and it just might change his heart for the better even more. I’ve learned what it truly means to look at someone and such a detailed whole picture, to know every secret there is to know, to know all the bad things but to also see the immense good that is there, and to just let the love surround us and guide us through. Letting love lead.
So this crazy twisty wind-y story of mine isn’t over, far from it. I don’t know the ending yet, but I know that all of these characters that make up my crazy, messy, blended times I don’t even know how many times anymore family, will be in my story until the very end.
“Silent night. Holy night. All is calm. All is bright.”
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