one year later

 It’s been a year since I effectively upended my entire marriage in a quest for the truth. It’s been a year of heartache, tears, prayers, therapy, and hours upon hours of late nights and long talks. It’s been a year where my mind has been stretched, where I’ve been tested in ways I never expected, where I have had to reach into the depths of my being to learn (or re-learn) empathy even when it seemed like I shouldn’t have any.

I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought I was, when I had to be enough for the both of us and hold us up through some of the worst. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, that childhood traumas not dealt with can haunt and change a person, and that none of this has ever been about me.

As hard as it was, something beautiful came from all of the pain and anguish and hurt and doubt; a marriage that survived it all and is stronger and better than it ever was. There is beauty in forgiveness, in letting go of the past which can not be changed. There is a beauty in finally understanding, and accepting, all the things from the past.

Love is greater than hate. Forgiveness is better than holding onto a grudge. Understanding is better than questioning. 

This did not happen overnight. I struggled for months and months trying to reason all this out in my head…praying for some divine peace, praying for a reason to believe. We both sat on opposite sides of the hurt and pain, struggling to see the other side.

And then one day in August, everything just clicked. I finally, truly got it. I went to him and said I understood, finally, what he had been trying to tell me for years. I understood him, I understood everything completely, in a way I can’t really describe. But it was like all of a sudden one day, I just knew. And he cried, because I finally got it, finally got him in a way I was never able to before. And it was pretty amazing when it happened.

My life is a good one. It’s had some crazy twist and turns I never expected, but that’s just life. I am happy. We are happy, to a sickening degree. While the past year was excruciatingly difficult at times, it was completely necessary if we were ever going to be free of the past. Our relationship is so strong, our love is so strong, everything is out in the open, no secrets, no lies, no hiding the past. He’s still in therapy, and he likely will be for a long time. It’s 4 decades of crap to untangle for him.

As for us…we’re gonna be just fine.

the thing that never leaves

 For the past several weeks I have been having a string of really strange dreams that have stuck with me long after waking up, leaving me unsettled and just sort of…weird. There isn’t much in common with any of them, yet all involve a small baby somehow. A baby I hold and help care for yet isn’t mine to keep.

It’s been 3 years since my last pregnancy ended, exactly 3 years since I was in miscarriage labor in that hotel room overlooking the beach. It matters not that I have children…it does not making the pain of losing a baby any easier, nor my heart soothed by that fact.

I still yearn for that baby, for the others I lost. No matter how hard I try and how much time has passed I still long for another baby, I still long to carry another pregnancy, I still long to have a newborn against my chest, it’s all it’s newness and hope. I am still triggered by baby bumps and baby clothes and pictures of moms with newborns on their chest, infants in their arms.

It makes me feel like I’m crazy to still feel this way. Am I alone in this?

It’s not all bad

 Despite the fact that my life is like some twisted work of fiction but is in face very real, things aren’t all doom and gloom and terrible. Therapy for both of us separately and a clear communication of personal physical boundaries, and we are able to live together and function as a team while everything else just simmers. We have a lot of work to do, but we also can’t live in that negative space all the time. So…cheers to making the best of it I suppose!

So…onto the good things. Well, for one it’s summer and virtual school is OVER. OMG thank goodness!! It was completely awful for everyone and I sorta can’t wait to put them on the bus in the fall!!

My birthday is Saturday…lots of mixed feeling on that. Weirdly calm about the number but can’t really believe I am actually an adult of that age. At the end of some days I definitely feel it, but mentally? No way. I still curse like a sailor and act like a fool. I just don’t even care anymore. Lol

We bought a crap ton of fireworks and together with some neighbors will put on a pretty massive display on Sunday. We have an open field in our front yard we use, the neighbors have an extended hose, and we just get to watch an awesome homemade display. We also somehow snagged a bounce house rental from Friday until Tuesday!! For under $300. So that goes in the front yard right in front of our bay window so the kids can be safely in and out all weekend.

My brother whose been going through a shitty divorce is in town for 2 days and wanted to hang out and told me to pick a place for dinner tonight. Divorce sucks but it has brought he and I closer and we chat fairly often now when we never did before, so although I hate what he’s going through I’m grateful he still likes me.

Amazon. Seriously the best. My 7 year old Smoosh loves to craft and create, so I ordered a bunch of different kits and supplies. We tried out the Dino Dig kit where you excavate the fossil and then paint it. Well…we used a tray on the bedroom floor and the rock material makes a HUGE mess. Carpet wasn’t the best place for that. But it was really cool and fun to do.

Speaking of bedrooms…we are working on the master bedroom currently to give it more our vibe. I’ve always hated the color of our room (lavender) and found this awesome color called Ocean Abyss by Behr where I got a massage a few weeks back, and it’s awesome. A darker gray is going to be the baseboards. Unsure of the doors yet but our attached bathroom is a deep Caribbean blue with cream tile. I also found the perfect coffee table when I wasn’t even looking for one (thanks Amazon🤦🏽‍♀️) Our little hang out sitting space  needed something narrow for storage or if we are having dinner or snacks or playing a game. It’s one that has the pull up arm so the table raises and there is more storage underneath and then a bottom shelf. It’s supposed to be made for smaller spaces. I also but a black metal towel rack with 5 hooks that I need to find a place for. The table should arrive just in time for our 21st wedding anniversary next week (the 7th). 

I know all of this may seem bizarre considering all the circumstances. And it is, believe me. I’d be lying if I said my head wasn’t spinning, because it definitely is. But also…no one is 100% bad and no one is 100% good. We all have shades of darkness and grey, things we did we aren’t proud of. Things we wish we would have done differently. I know I have plenty. I’m not at all making excuses for him, but I would rather let the dust settle and have therapy work some of it magic. I know I wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst day, my worst decision. And for all the terrible trauma my husband has been through, my heart still breaks for him because no human deserves that. And in the end of it wasn’t for all this he wouldn’t have had these memories resurface and be able to get therapy so he can no longer live with so much pain, and for that I am grateful. Part of this has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I had empathy before, but it’s taking me having to try to understand a situation I can completely not even imagine and seeing the bigger picture to really know empathy. And it’s made me better at my job because it requires so much empathy and the people are so poor, so sick in all sorts of ways. It’s the inner city, and the empathy tank can run low if I’m being honest.

And my life isn’t a bad one. I don’t regret anything about family, we are all happy and get along and are teaching each other lessons everyday. And this guy I met when I was 21, he was 22. And the truth of it is we are each other’s best friends. There is a genuine love there. I guess it got hidden in there somewhere for both of us at times along the way. After not really talking for a couple of days, I finally broke down and started babbling away. I realized I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to talk to. It’s always darkest before dawn…I have to believe it’s about to get brighter if I just hang on.

And in honor of Pride Month, I would like to leave you with a picture of beautiful, crazy, bisexual me (Charlotte), a few weeks ago clowning at work before putting on scrubs🤪

i’m not ok, either

 Jess wrote last week (I think it was last week) about NOT being ok.And all I could think of was, I’m not ok, either.

Because I’m not. My feelings about being wary of my husband going through therapy became true; because to talk about himself means to talk about me. I’m so tangled up in his lies and his past that of course I would come up. And then it brought up more things that were lies….and it’s left me feeling broken. Every single thing on every list of emotional manipulation and sexual predator behavior he used on me in the beginning, over and over, and made me feel safe so I would trust him. Finding all of this out 21 years later is a sucker punch to the gut. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Disgusted. Just sick to my stomach over each memory. Realizing just how far he went to get what he wanted…convincing me to not use protection and try for a baby, all while doing the same thing with his wife (who I knew nothing about until I was 4 months pregnant).

Realizing how he failed to protect me then, and how he failed to protect me now. He held on to the secrets and lies and made me go to his ex-wife to find out the truth. It was brutal and painful and horrific in every way to sit across from this person and hear all about my husband who I thought I knew. And then when I didn’t have all the pieces, instead of coming clean he made my brain work like a detective to put everything in order.

And then my brain and body had the realization that he, as a victim of sexual abuse, abused me by abusing my trust, by lying to me about absolutely everything and hiding anything he didn’t want me to see. Hurt people Hurt people, and he hurt me. Parts of me feel beyond repair. Physically my body does not want to be close to his. The few words he says ring hollow. Everything I’ve ever asked of him he hasn’t been able to do. He’s broken too. And he broke me.

What do you do if the foundation of your relationship was based on lies and deceit, and manipulation?? How in the hell do you even begin to fix that? All while knowing leaving isn’t an option. I will not punish my kids because of him. And ironically, he’s a pretty decent dad, albeit not super affectionate as they get older. But man.

I feel stupid. I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel violated. I feel lost. I feel such a deep sadness it feels like it may swallow me whole.

I don’t know when I’ll be ok again.

Currently

Let’s see…right now I’m…

Drinking a now-cold latte from Wawa from this morning.

Listening to-the tv in the background and my little boys wrestling with my husband.

Playing a drawing game with Smoosh (7).

Answering a million non-.stop questions from my Cuddle Bud (5)

Waiting to get to take a nap before work again tonight. Currently I’ve been awake now for 24 hours straight.

Wanting to get my music playlists completed and organized. I lost so much stuff from old music accounts and phone transfers over the years and I hate general radio and anything with ads.

Excited for date night on Thursday. Half of it involves errands but we are definitely going to do something together out of the house that’s just for us too. We try to do these at least biweekly to maintain some sort of sanity and connection.

Reading…well I just finished a textbook on medical ethics for my CE credits. I have several books to choose from but my brain feels kind of fried. Trying to keep up with blogs (I don’t even follow all THAT many, and few who post regularly) and commenting has been challenging enough for me lately!

Listening to a real weird mix of all generals and eras thanks to an incomplete playlist and a free Siri’s/XM subscription. It’s actually been a really fun to dive into and it’s so amazing how our brains can remember songs we haven’t heard in decades, yet I can’t ever figure out where I put my damn keys 🤣

Working on some financial moves that will hopefully put us in a better position moving forward. Hoping everything aligns because I have big plans.

Failed at growing some plants from seedlings. It started out so promising and then everything just died. After much google I probably “over-loved” them. ~le sigh~

Wishing I didn’t have to go to work tonight, but at least it’s my last one in this series of shifts.

Dreading the full moon on Wednesday and all the weirdness and craziness that always happens.

Happy Monday?!

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Friday SoapBox

 So this comment was left on a blog I follow, and it has really irked me. Besides the fact that I consider Lollipop Goldstein a friend so the personal attack upset me, but the entire reason for the comment shows so much ignorance to what the ENTIRE WORLD has been going through. While I get that there are area that have not been hit very hard by Covid, you would have to live under a rock to not be aware of this Global Pandemic. And really, it’s like a twisted 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon game, except that now it’s nearly impossible to find someone who doesn’t know someone who has been affected by Covid in some way.

“I will never understand why this is a debate… if you choose to mask and vaccinate and you believe those things actually work, then it shouldn’t matter if someone else chooses not to mask/vaccinate because your mask/vaccine “protects” you, either they work or they don’t. I don’t understand why some people think they have the right to tell others what to do with their body. Also, let’s be real, you are an introvert who is completely happy rarely socializing or leaving their house, that’s cool, but not everyone has to live the same way. Please stop using your introverted preference to dictate other people’s freedoms/lifestyle.”

I’ve left out the name of the commenter because this isn’t to call one person out, but rather to show how that over a year in, there are still people who don’t get it.

The restrictions and mask requirements are not to infringe in anyone else’s rights, they are protection for ALL humans. Don’t I also have a right to not be exposed to illnesses (not just Covid, mind you, masks are helping keep people from getting ANY kind of illness. How many colds/stomach bugs/strep throat/etc, etc has anyone who has followed the rules had in the last year? Even if you personally haven’t worn a mask, you’ve likely not gotten sick because of the people who are wearing them. And it’s basic science that when 2 people wear a mask and social distance the rate of any type of illness transmission is reduced to almost zero.

Whether we agree or like it or not, EVERYONE has to do their part if we ever want this to be over. This isn’t an option and has nothing at all to do with rights. I don’t know why we as an American culture feel that every single mandate put in to place is a personal attack on any one or group of individuals, and I’m specifically talking about Pandemic-related mandates. It would make way more sense if these were nationwide restrictions until the collective numbers went down, but every state and even county or town has their own set of rules, making it tricky if you commute or travel.

But make no mistake. I have been working on the front lines since this whole thing started….I’ve seen the worst of the worst of this virus up close. Covid doesn’t discriminate between sex, race, age, health, or social status. In short-this is EVERYONE’S problem and responsibility as a human to try and help solve and do what we can for the greater good. And if wearing a mask feels too restrictive, then stay home. Shop online. Or maybe stop being selfish and wear the mask in honor of those who died of Covid, or because of Covid, like so many people isolated in nursing care facilities who just declined due to the isolation. Get a vaccine for those who are immune compromised or otherwise can’t receive a vaccine…for all the children under 16 who aren’t currently eligible. Wear a mask for them.

But for God’s sake stop thinking that everyone else can do the work to stop this, and the selfishness and short-sightedness that comes from this commenter’s way of thinking. Because if too many people think that way and keep naively believing it’s all about control and rights, all the vaccines given out won’t matter, we won’t hit the threshold for herd immunity. And what happens then?

***And just as a PSA…if you don’t like or agree with someone, by all means have a valid argument that makes sense, and leave the personal attacks out, it’s just so unnecessary, and doesn’t do anything to support your point. It just makes you look (and sound) like a jerk. Kindness goes a long way. If you don’t like what’s being said, you can stop reading. THAT, you have total control over.

Monday Feels

 My anxiety kicked up last night on my way to work. Having been awake the entire night, my brain is exhausted. And when my brain gets exhausted all the feels come out. So here’s what’s on my mind that’s apparently been riding under the surface and is now manifesting itself into physical signs of anxiety. (Sore joints, tendinitis acting up in a different area every day, you know, all the fun things.

My husband. And his therapy. And all the awful things he has talked about, and all the awful things he still has to talk about, a lot including me, some about the bad shit we’ve been through. Some of that stuff was hard enough for me to live through the first time…I don’t know how I am going to walk this path with him. I will, of course. I just hope it doesn’t break me in the process. Or break us.

Panic about things going back to “normal.” I don’t feel safe in a crowded grocery store, I can’t imagine going back to life as normal. And it’s still far too soon for the things some leaders are doing, like our local mayor in the beach town, who lifted the mask mandate on the freaking boardwalk, which is a super crowded, packed in situation at the pier end. It was a nightmare before Covid. Is anyone else feeling this way?

Over the past year and a half I lost a ton of weight, and am back down to highschool weight again somehow, although my body is shaped completely differently now!! So I had my annual physical and tons of labs done…and all my hormone levels were normal…!?!?…even my AMH and FSH and LH were all in normal ranges. Yet it’s been 2.5 years since my last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and despite no protection I haven’t gotten pregnant since. Not trying/not avoiding, not even keeping track of my cycle at all. I’ll be 43 this summer. I don’t know what to do with this information…the crazy part of me thinks oh well I still have a shot…and the rationale part of me says it’s ridiculous. Nothing fills a baby shaped hole. Nothing.

With the pandemic my youngest, who is 5 now, did not get a chance to go to preschool. And while I know he’s smart, I don’t know that’s he’s exactly ready for Kindergarten, being the baby of the family and all. I am seriously considering homeschooling him for the first half of next school year at least, to try and give him one on one attention and get him ready. I am in no way meant to be a teacher, but out of all my kids he’s the one I think would work with me best, and it’s kindergarten, so surely I can manage that. I’m just starting to look into programs, so if anyone knows a good one I would love to know.

We were away at a family event back in March, and of course there will always be drama when families get together, I know that. But once again it proved how misunderstood I am and have always been with my family, how much of the black sheep I am. My sister actually called tore me down and reamed me out for a situation I wasn’t actually a part of, and said some pretty hurtful things to me. Anymore I realize that among family, the only place I’m safe to be myself and not be judged is in my own home, with my own family. While the kids all had a great time and it could potentially be our spring break vacation spot, I feel like I don’t really want to go back anytime soon. I never confronted my sister and I don’t think I’m going to…because if she truly thinks about me how she said when she was yelling at me, I would rather not know and have confirmation. Because I feel like I know the answer. And it sucks.

If any of my blog friends want to follow me on IG, I’d love that. I’m @radmdrtr . Stop by and say hi!!

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the least we can do

 One of my best friends from my work lost her older brother to Covid this past weekend. He had a positive test 10 days prior. He felt bad, but never felt “worse”. He was healthy. He was 53. And he’s gone.

This isn’t the first Covid related death that has happened first hand to someone I know...it’s getting increasingly more like a morbid six degrees of separation situation (like the Kevin Bacon game) that any 6 people has known someone who has had Covid and ended up with lifelong disabilities if they survived at all. My neighbor’s best friend’s husband passed away from Covid. My husband’s (former now) secretary has been left permanently blind from complications of Covid amoung a host of other things left damaged by this virus. My best friend’s brother, our beloved doctor. Both gone. I bet if I start asking the number rises.

The truth from the front lines is that the varriants are here, and they are more deadly than the first. Please everyone, don’t let your guard down even if vaccinated. These patients, they are sicker than ever. And younger than ever, too. 

It’s so hard to watch anyone you love grieve over something so sudden. It seems like it’s even more devastating because we have been there for a year now working shift after shift, submitting our blood for study samples, getting the vaccine first to prove it’s safe, working in the chaos and hell fighting this damn thing. It feels so personal.

I was talking to another one of our close friends tonight and we were all checking on each other and trying to decide something to do. It’s so hard to be in a place where there’s nothing good to say, nothing you can do seems sufficient enough to covey the heartache we share with her. I know we talk a lot in these spaces as just abiding with them, holding space for them, grieving silently along with them and fervently praying (if that’s your thing. It’s definitely mine.)

But sometimes we can get complacent...not knowing what to do so instead we do nothing or that so much time has passed it seems irrelevant now, or that’s it’s so hard for any number of reasons. I know I have been that way about things before, for way less important things.

They need food, we know our girl hasn’t been eating. I remember when my dad passed, it was so nice to have food everyone could just emotionally stuff ourselves in between all the other million things that need to be done when a person dies...it’s SO much. Being fed is a basic human comfort, and having someone bring me food (not that it happens often!!) brings me so much warmth and comfort.

I picked one of her favorites...one I know she won’t be able to resist eating...and it’s healthy and sustaining and home cooked and comforting af. I had to give her a heads up to see when a good time would be to have the meal delivered, and she was thanking me, and I said “it’s the least we could do”.

It’s so easy now to do things like send someone a warm blanket or a hot meal to their door. Or type a quick text. Or answer that email. Or answer the phone. Those are the least things we can do during this ongoing pandemic that just won’t quit.

Imagine if everyone, everyday, did just a little more than “least”. Just imagine.

***I also want to add a little footnote here, because I didn’t know where to fit it above. My friend that lost her brother is single and childless. My other friend I mentioned above is married and childless by choice. When shit hits the fan, as long as you have some strong friends around you, you will be ok. Whether you have kids or not. These girls to me are my extended family, and we protect and care for each other. Having children or not doesn’t matter...and it shouldn’t.

what’s old is new again

 Well, it only took 25ish years...but did y’all hear? The 90’s are back in style. Just google “mom jeans” “crop shirts” and “doc martens”. The style is also listed as Y2K for that late 90’s, early 2000’s vibe. I’m not even kidding. My closet of jeans and docs and flannels (which are a hit again now) and scrunchies, is back in style. The only bad part? Now we’re just called “vintage”!!

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The Matriarch

 Last year, in late spring, my husband’s grandmother, the matriarch of the family, passed away. Shortly after is when some of the secrets and lies started coming out. First with the recipe, then with the discovery of secret accounts, then when my whole world sort of imploded.

After all the initial shock and hurt wore off, I started my search for answers. I had a million puzzles pieces that didn’t seem like they belonged in the same puzzle.

Oh, but they did. I know I wrote before about seeing the whole picture, but it ended up being so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.

My husband’s family came from money. His hardworking grandfather built a business that was thriving. Then he passed away and his son and son in law ran it into the ground with their greed. My husband’s grandmother has a family reputation to uphold in that dated and old fashioned way. Her children lived off of her handouts, were never responsible with money, and they knew they would always get more. I could see even from the beginning how they used her for money...they weren’t really ever shy about talking about it, but they all let their requests from each other. My husband always felt very strongly about being disappointed in them for there behaviors and denounced every treating his grandmother like that.

My husband had a traumatic childhood...things he is just now facing in therapy. His grandmother was a huge part of bringing stability to his early life, and he always looked up to her for that. On the heels of being sexually abused by his stepmother when he was 12-13, he met his best friend and they fell in love...it was the only person he ever trusted completely. It was a secret that everyone knew and no one talked about. These two guys were never allowed on either side by family to live each other out loud. There was a lot of shame and guilt they both felt. A lot of pressure to be normal or straight.

My husband’s grandmother talked to him, told him how he needed to get over this phase he was going through. That it wasn’t how there family did things, and that it would be an embarrassment to the family. That he had met this nice girl and just get married to her, and to do what he needed to do in secret but by being married to a woman it would be easier to hide. And he had just met someone who he thought he was into, but realized he wasn’t...turns out she portrayed herself as one thing and he discovered who she really was...and he didn’t really even like her by then.

And she offered him an insane amount of money to “do the right thing” for the family. And he was hurt and confused by that. But it was his grandmother and he didn’t want to disappoint her or let his family down. So he made this deal with her...he would marry this girl, had to stay married for a year to get the lump sum, and would continue to get handouts as long as he stayed.

And so this charade went on for over two years. All of his friends told him he was making a mistake...by the best friend was the only one who mattered, and he wasn’t strong enough to declare his love out loud. My husband punished himself by staying with someone he was starting to outright hate. And I can confirm since I got to know her that she is a very manipulative person...someone who does nothing to help their situation, just played the victim. She claimed she loved him, but if she did she would have surely seen, especially since she knew about their relationship, how broken-hearted and torn he was. But instead she told him how terrible he was and that he needed to change...and fully admitted to me he just wanted him to love her the way she “loved” him. Which is so selfish and the opposite of love. And she still doesn’t see that, even now.

Everyone around him always told him he needed to change. Not friends, but his family, and this girl who claimed to love  him. Not even his grandmother, who he trusted so much and held on such a high pedestal, was showing him love by her actions, and he fully realized this. He didn’t think he deserved love. I’m not sure if he even believed in it at that point. It was horrible for him, so much anger, so much self hate, holding on to such big secrets all alone.

I fell in love with him the second he looked up from the bar...instantly, like some cosmic thing washed over me. Being with him was so easy...like I was born to love him, like o had always loved him. It wasn’t a slow burn at all, it just felt like I had always loved him I just hadn’t found him yet.

And the universe is crazy...because there are a dozen places we were both at at the same time over the years but we had never met before that one fateful night.

And I am the only person who has ever fully loved him for him and not tried to change him, not once, not ever. And I could see him wrestling with things over the years but I never understood why. Even in our darkest times, he would never ask his grandmother for money or help. Ever. And I saw different conversations we had that were triggers.

His grandmother being the puppet master was the last piece I finally figured out...it wasn’t as obvious and I had to dig deeper. I upset a lot of people in my quest for the truth, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more, something I was missing. And her piece to the puzzle makes it so much more complicated for my husband. I told him I knew he didn’t tell me because “that’s your grandmother, you don’t want to think badly or have other people think badly of her” and he admitted that yes that was his big concern, and why this never came out when she was alive. He was worried that I would treat her differently had I known, so he again sacrificed himself and held the secret alone, all for her.

Only in her death was he ever going to have a chance at finding peace.