For the past several weeks I have been having a string of really strange dreams that have stuck with me long after waking up, leaving me unsettled and just sort of…weird. There isn’t much in common with any of them, yet all involve a small baby somehow. A baby I hold and help care for yet isn’t mine to keep.
It’s been 3 years since my last pregnancy ended, exactly 3 years since I was in miscarriage labor in that hotel room overlooking the beach. It matters not that I have children…it does not making the pain of losing a baby any easier, nor my heart soothed by that fact.
I still yearn for that baby, for the others I lost. No matter how hard I try and how much time has passed I still long for another baby, I still long to carry another pregnancy, I still long to have a newborn against my chest, it’s all it’s newness and hope. I am still triggered by baby bumps and baby clothes and pictures of moms with newborns on their chest, infants in their arms.
It makes me feel like I’m crazy to still feel this way. Am I alone in this?
Sorry to hear this is still a struggle. Personally, I don’t think of pregnancy as a desired possibility anymore (I’m very close to if not already in menopause). But I can appreciate how patterns get ingrained into you. A few years ago when my youngest was still a baby I visited the school I worked at when we we trying to conceive her. I was overwhelmed by feelings of “I MUST GET PREGNANT NOW!!!” It was very unsettling. In my case it appears to have just been that environment that triggered it. I also no longer work there, thank goodness. It doesn’t surprise me that the feelings could linger though, especially after a miscarriage….the desire for a baby is so powerful. Maybe something to discuss with a counsellor? Sounds like you still have things to work through.
ReplyDeleteThose dreams sound so hard. I don't think you are alone in feeling this way, and three years isn't really all that long ago. Maybe because it's that sense of a stage of life ending, it's nudes intense? Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely not alone in this. I also find pregnancy, babies, baby items difficult, and do my best to avoid because it still makes me wistful.
ReplyDeleteเว็บตรง ไม่ผ่านเอเย่น เชื่อถือได้ ปลอดได้ ไม่มีโกงต้องที่นี่ สล็อต ตอบโจทย์ความต้องการได้ดีอย่างมากทั้งเรื่องของการเงินการเดิมพันที่หลากหลาย เพื่อเป็นการยกฐานะการให้บริการให้ดีขึ้นไป
ReplyDelete