There is one major issue that my husband and I do not see eye to eye on. It involves the safety and well being of our children. I thought that we had long since buried this issue nearly a decade and a half ago, but some circumstances have brought this issue into the fold again.
Totally minimizing this here, but there is a friend of someone in his family who I believe is unsafe for my children to be around. When this issue came up all those years ago, it caused great strife between us and our families (my family became involved because no one was listening to me and extending invitations to this person) and I almost got fired from my job because I was going to work so distracted and sick to my stomach about what might happen/who was coming around when I was not there.
I am by no means an alarmist or an indiscriminate hateful asshole, as many people chose to believe. I had legitimate fears that were being swept under the rug and deemed not real issues. My Dad finally listened to me one night when I was a hysterical mess over the situation and my family's inability to have my back here. He told me to always trust my gut and stay strong. Which I did, and somehow prevailed, although I can't even begin to imagine what his family truly thinks of me. But I have long since stop caring about that.
So the issue came back up because my husband told me he was taking the kids somewhere that involved this person, without ever talking to me about it first. All I wanted to do was have a discussion about this and it turned into a terrible fight, the likes of which we have not had in many years. Nothing about this person has changed over the course of the years that would need reevaluating. I wanted to give my children a choice in going (as it is not a child-friendly affair to begin with) and lay down some ground rules regarding the contact with this person moving forward. Neither of which happened, as my husband can be very "all or nothing" and thus just shouted "you win" and walked away.
What is so frustrating is that this person has no blood relation or any close relationship with my husband, so I struggle to understand why this is so important to him. His family is full of dysfunction and there have been actual blood relatives or relatives through marriage that they themselves have barred from holidays and other family functions, but I am made out to be a hateful bitch. Which I am not. If you witnessed some stranger at the playground acting creepy and touchy-feely towards children that had no connection to him, you would keep your children away, no? It's the same situation here. But no one believes me, or rather just dismisses what I saw/what I say. And no, there are no other children on my husband's side of the family other than ours.
Lots of hurtful things have been said to me about this situation. Things that should make me question myself and my position. All I keep coming back to is what if I let my guard down on this, and my gut instinct is proven right?? Then I have failed my kids, amoung other horrible things I can't even let my mind think about. If I am wrong?? Well, that would be the best case senario of course, but at the expense of my sanity over someone who has no familia connection to begin with?? That's dice I am not willing to roll.
If I "win" ( and really, there are no winners here) it's likely I will have ruined my, our kids, and my husband's relationship with his family over this. Which is insane to me. Past situations have proven that they won't react until something happens to them. I am not a reactive thinker when it comes to my children if I can help it.
There is much left to be sorted out. I have to put some pieces of my heart back together, because things that were said really were daggers and cheap shots meant to make me question myself. At least I can recognize that. It doesn't make it hurt any less. The worst was probably the threat to throw all the blame on me and hang me out to dry, instead of presenting a united front. So much I don't understand and likely never will. What I do know is that this has been the most divisive issue we have ever encountered. It was back then and it is now. I know we will survive this, but the cost will be tremendous.
I am so sorry...this sounds like such a tough situation. It is really hard to have a gut feeling and to feel like something is "not right" and be questioned on it. I completely understand your feeling that you cannot be reactive with your children--to protect them is everything. I hope that you and your husband come to peace and resolution over this difficult issue.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to be said for instinct, and your point about what happens if you're wrong is well taken: the worst case, if you can come to terms and lay down some ground rules, is that you've protected your children. It's the same thing you'd do if you're taking precautions with a new, untested chemical: you always suit up, use protective gear. I hope that you and your husband can find a way forward that hurts less than this hurts you right now. xo
ReplyDeleteOh gosh! That's so scary. I would say what you are doing is right. Any Mum would first think of her children and you are absolutely right in doing your part. Try to talk it out in a peaceful way with your husband - use the "I Vs. You" method and share relevant examples. May be that will help. I know I am not an expert but sharing my two cents. No intent here to be intrusive. May there be peace.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a hard situation. This is the way I always think about these things: I want to live life as much as possible without regrets. There are the things you can't predict, and you need to roll with those situations. But when I know ahead of time that I'm not comfortable, I won't sweep my feelings under the rug to make anyone else happy, no matter how angry they get with me. Because if something happened, I would turn the anger on myself for not standing my ground.
ReplyDeleteWishing you and your husband grace to get through this hump as scar-free as possible.
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