So it's been awhile since I have visited this space. We got through summer and back to school time is off to a good start. Life is completely ordinary, which is ok by me. I felt a little like I was fumbling through the summer...it's no easy feat to get everyone to cooperate and be on the same page to get out the door, especially considering the spread of ages. So I set the bar super low and don't try to be over-zealous in what I think i can accomplish in any one day, and it seems to work much better.
On my mind though, has been my inability to move forward from baby dreams. It's been on my heart so much, and I have been praying hard about it. Praying hard for God to take my desire for another child away. This past month was rough...I haven't felt like myself. I was definitely one rollercoaster of emotions. And then my period came a full week early and I bled heavier than I ever have, and it lasted for nearly 10 days, even overnight. Which is crazy because I don't know how I even had a lining left to bleed, considering my period before that was regular and not light or anything. A couple days it looked like a murder scene in the shower and I know I went through an entire box of super plus tampons. So I called my doctor, because what the hell this was too much blood.
He thinks it's just my hormones are haywire (possibly from extended nursing. My milk JUST dried up this past month despite only comfort nursing here and there for the last several months) but he also did mention scary things like D&C and Andenomyosis from multiple C-sections. Side note: google is not your friend. I went down a rabbit hole of scary shit. So now I am on Progesterone in hopes that it helps regulate things and keeps the bleeding at bay. I have had issues with low pro for several years and was the reason for my miscarriages, so it's not super surprising. Of course google has me paranoid, and given my age I also started panicking that maybe I am perimenopausal. My doctor said an easy solution would be bcps, but that he knows I am not ready to hang up the possibility of another child, which made me think. I would like to come to the conclusion that I am done having children on my own terms and not forced into it by age or otherwise. I know I am on the end of the age spectrum most likely, but I am just not ready to give it up. I don't really know what that means just yet. I am still processing and still trying to figure out exactly what happened this last cycle.
Worried that my cysts have returned amount all the other scary things google told me, I had my Ultrasound girl at work scan me over the weekend. The good news is no cysts or fibroids. My uterus is a normal size, and the endometrium didn't show signs of adenomyosis, and the lining was around 8mm (how I don't have a clue after all the bleeding and clotting I just finished with). She also picked out several follicles on the left side with a definite lead follie, although it definitely wasn't big enough just yet. So I still have eggs. And no pcos. So looking like it's definitely a hormonal issue. I need to get my hemaglobin rechecked for anemia, so I am going to ask for my thyroid to be rechecked as well. I have definitely been feeling a bit more stable since starting the Progesterone so hopefully I can get everything regulated and feeling more like myself. I don't know where we will go from here in the ttc department. I know that my husband was super worried and upset with the bleeding and the thinking our decision was made for us. But I can't see jumping back into treatments either. I will just pray on it and hope the answer reveals itself.
Oh wow. That much blood would make me nervous too. I just got my premenopausal diagnosis at age 31 after diminished ovarian reserve, so I just started on BCPs. I am glad everything looks good with your follicles and uterus, and sending you hugs as you move forward with whatever you decide.
ReplyDeleteHow comforting it must have been to get an u/s though. Did they not run some blood work? I totally get not wanting to be forced into stopping, had the same issue with TTC. Thankfully the LO's are keeping me on my toes and I don't "think" TTC will ever enter my mind again. Can't say I'm not a bit worried with birth mom out and about, admitting she is using again and asked me for space. Keeping a part of my mind with a thought of another baby scares me at the moment, but wait for another year and those baby blues start calling. I don't know how you do it. I can't even pretend to entertain the thought of another kid in my brain. I'm holding out on a hysterectomy with those stupid "oh my body must have changed, thats why I'm pregnant" stories. I just hit 36 last week and it didn't even phase me. GL with whatever you decide on your own terms!
ReplyDeleteI posted this comment on my page, but just in case you didn't see it . . .
ReplyDeleteCharlotte - thanks for your comment! We don't typically do snack time during the day because if I give my kids even a small snack, they won't eat dinner! Every once in a while I will give them a snack if they ask for one, but it seems like I always regret it. They don't generally get whine about no snacks either, because they know I won't give in, haha. Also, for dinner this night we had what I call a Chicken Burrito Bowl. I simmer chicken, rotel, chicken broth, chipotle seasoning, and black beans in the slower cooker for about 3 hours. Then, I add rice and let it cook for another 2 hours. We sprinkle cheese on the top and sometimes the kids eat it with taco chips. It's super easy and yummy!
That sounds so scary! It's amazing to me how much blood you can lose and still have a lining. I can completely understand wanting your decisions to be on your terms. I'm glad the ultrasound cleared some of the scarier options. Stupid Google. Hard to resist, but usually a rabbit hole of horrors. I hope this is not a new regular thing for you!
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