Learning the truth, finally

 I’m just going to blog through this because honestly, this story is crazy. It’s like something out of a novel, but it’s not, it’s real, and it’s my life. And I have no idea how to even being to process all of this. So I’m just going to start writing, because if I think to much I literally might curl up and die.

The short version is that after 21 years, I have finally learned the truths surrounding my marriage. I have discovered the person I married was not the person he claimed to be. I discovered that our entire relationship has been based on lies and deceit. And I have no idea how to reconcile that with the life I have now. And I am holding a lot of hurt, heartbreak, and anger right now. I’ve cried more tears than I can count. And I have no idea what to do, how to live with my new reality.

I have long had questions or suspicions that something was never quite right with the stories my husband has told me over the years. Things kept changing, timelines didn’t match, he was vague and always tried to play off any questions I had.

When I met him, he was married, but he never told me. We were engaged and pregnant on purpose before I even found out, when we couldn’t plan our own wedding because he wasn’t single. I’m not going to dive back into the specifics because it sucks to relive. Let’s just say it was a very humiliating time in my life, knocked up by a married man. While he had been separated, he was still stringing his wife along, and unbeknownst to be until recently, found out there was overlap where we were both sleeping with him. She didn’t know about me yet, either. I feel sick to my stomach writing this.

He misrepresented himself and made selfish decisions that took away my choices. I would never have talked to someone who was involved in any way with someone else, let alone married. Separated doesn’t cut it for me. He made me an adulterous. He lied to get his way, no matter who he hurt. He also hurt his poor wife. It makes me sick to think that I was manipulated into becoming an adulterer. He told me anything he though I wanted to hear, truth be damned.

That’s just the beginning...I’m pretty sure just about everything he’s ever told me about himself before me is a lie. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. My heart is absolutely broken in half. Everything I thought I knew and believed about my relationship was all a lie. The lies have continued for 21 years now.

Thanks to the year of quarantine we had been spending lots of time together, my husband and I. We talked about all sorts of old memories  and things. It was during these conversations that new inconsistencies started popping out at me, and the more I asked, the different the answers were, things weren’t adding up, timelines weren’t making sense. He was extremely vague about a lot of things and acted like he couldn’t remember.

And then at some point he talked about wanting to find his old group of friends we hung out with when we met. And when I brought up certain people and friends to find, he got really uncomfortable and acted so strange about everything. And he did some other things to sort of push me into this direction...so I started finding people and asking questions. And I got the same accounts from everyone I talked to, except for my husband.

So I confronted him. And he continued to lie until he realized he was backed into a corner.

And then the first thing he said is “should I leave? Am I getting divorce papers in my stocking?”

His first reaction was to run. And I looked him square in the eye and he knew that I finally saw the truth. And I told him I wished I had never met him. And right now that remains true.

I feel so violated and worthless and broken. I feel so fucking stupid. He probably got a good laugh at our expenses joking on how he was screwing different women every night and none of us knew. He preyed on people he thought were vulnerable enough to buy his shit. And we did. And I have wasted 21 years of my life with him. He took so much from me, my pride and dignity being at the top of the list along with all the trust and love I had. It’s gone. I don’t know if I can ever get it back. Manipulating and lying to someone to get them  to be with you isn’t love.

It one fell swoop I lost everything. My husband, my partner, my best friend. But the ends don’t justify the means. You can’t erase 21 years of lies and sweep it under the rug. I can’t live like that.

All I know is that is the day after thanksgiving and I’m sitting out on my porch, all alone, trying to makes sense of all of this, with tears streaming down my face.My heart is shattered into a billion pieces. I have no idea if it’s even fixable. All I know is I’m unwilling to continue living this life based on lies. I don’t know what that means yet, and I don’t know how I am ever going to survive this.