Revisiting the past

 This year I have worked really hard on myself, all aspects of me that needed improvement. Trying to work my way out of a hole of anxiety and depression has taken much introspection and reflecting, and dealing with all the things as they come up, taking it one thing at a time. I’ve also worked very hard this year to project love and kindness and empathy and understanding. That’s been very easy and fulfilling. But the mind can be a dangerous place, and I’ve realized I have a lot of things in my life I have never completely worked through, because I didn’t know how. Some things are decades old but occasionally when triggered I start to remember things, and it triggers bad thoughts and feelings and sometimes I can’t snap out of it that quickly. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about my mental health meds, all precautions, some pharmaceuticals and some natural from the earth meds, that they have been making my brain fire neurons left and right, and my memory is way sharper now than it has ever been. I guess that’s what happens when the fog of depression finally lifts off. Memories from my childhood are so much more vivid, and I remember things that I had forgotten about, or forgot I remembered, and things I read seems to get etched into my brain and I can recall the whole page of text in my head, or at least important things that stuck out at me.

The downside is that it means I remember seemingly everything, the good and the bad, and Incant pick and choose what my brain decides it’s going to remember. Sometimes a feeling of deja vu with immediately bring with it dread and knots in my stomach. The mind is so powerful.

I have realized I can’t really move forward in my healing and having a more peaceful future if I don’t confront my past. And that feels like Pandora’s Box.

Because the one thing from my past that I know I had to face is something that changed the course of my life, and it was something I really didn’t have control over, so I feel like my choice was taken away from me about the direction my life went in. And it’s something that over all these years I have revisited many times, mulling it over and over and then finally deciding to stuff it away again until next time it resurfaces. It’s been in my face for a while now. I can’t ignore it anymore. Am I happy with my life? Absolutely. Would I change it for the world? NO. It’s not about that. It’s about coming to terms with the choices that were taken from me, hopefully understanding the situation more, so that I can finally make peace with it and let it go once and for all. I will be all the better for it.

But. (there’s always a but.) But it’s a little like uncovering some long buried secret. The answers on the other side could also be devastating and life changing. But I have already put the plans in motion. I have no idea if this will even pan out, if I will even get anywhere. There’s a chance I may have to dig for answers. And the answers might be worse than what I’m already imagining, and then that will be another whole thing I guess I will have to work through somehow. But if I want true healing, true wholeness, true peace I have to follow this down to wherever it takes me. They say the only way out is through. Here I go.