The New New

 So let’s just pretend it isn’t been months since I last blog and just get right to it.

I resigned from my job of almost 15 years.

Let me back up.

End of January my husband was laid off, out of the blue and quite unceremoniously. After the shock and sadness wore off of him, I convinced him to start his own business and so now he’s running a small operation from home, and once we get the legal stuff taken care of, it will be busier, we’re all pitching in to pass out business cards and wear logo shirts and it’s going to be a real family thing. Thanks to my online shopping skills, I am the purchaser for all the things. 

So fast forward these past few months, I’ve been carefully balancing vacation days with working extra and my overnight hours plus day hours were really starting to burn me out. Slowly I became less happy at work, but thought I was doing what I had to do.

Until about a month ago, when the bosses royally fucked up with a market raise that only some people got, and that I didn’t get. This all happened with it showing up on checks before anyone was ever told everything, mind you. Market raises are firstly supposed to be for everybody with the same credentials, which did not happen here. And I figured out on my own the reason I didn’t get mine was over a bullshit write up I got last July because I wasn’t Coddling to the younger people and someone got offended. The senario that was told never happened and I never got asked my side (although you can bet I gave it) but got written up anyway because this person skipped everybody else and went straight to the top who dumped it in the one person with whom dislikes me and that feeling is mutual. I looked it up and it states that write ups that occur in the 12 months prior to a market raise may be used in determining a raise (or not).

I was at month 11.

Not wanting to cause anyone any stress or upsetness, I didn’t tell anyone. But I started to realize in my head that this place doesn’t value it’s long term employees. I’ve worked steadily through this entire pandemic and continue to do so. My job is in the city. It’s not safe for me to drive to work or walk into the building across the street. It’s not safe inside because of the types of things we deal with and the patients we get every night. And it’s about an hour commute, so I think the gas prices explain that pretty well. And my work life balance was weighing way down on the work side so that’s been hard on all of us.

So. I updated my resume, sent it out, and phone started ringing right away and hasn’t stopped. I have an offer I accepted, and it’s a good one, and it’s half the commute or less, although still taking calls, because I don’t start just yet. Everything aligned with when to put in my notice in and my summer vacation I was already approved for. I’m down to my last 2 weeks here. This all happened in a matter of days.

The healthcare market is in dire straits, as is the whole world right now. I know what my experience is worth, and I demanded it. I went in like a badass version of myself I haven’t felt like in a long while, and I refused to be nervous and intimidated. I was also quite candid which I think may have scored me points because I was real. Like when I was explaining wanting to get out of the inner city hospitals, I said “I don’t want that to be how I die.” Which may sound crazy but it’s true. I’m hyper aware that I am unsafe Everytime I go to work  and that’s sad.

And I got the offer while we were out for our 22nd Wedding Anniversary. So it all seemed so kismet.

The pandemic has taught me a lot, but mostly that life is too damn short to be wasted on things that don’t matter. I have an older brother I was always close to but that I haven’t seen in 14 years. We reconnected (my daughter messaged him since I’m not on fb) and we started texting like no time had passed, and I booked a trip to go see him in mid-September in the wilderness of Idaho (seriously, he has mountain lions on his property) and he’s going to take me flying, teach me to shoot a gun, and go skydiving. He’s almost 20 years older than me, but he’s up for it. This will be a type of trip I’ve never been on before, but I’m excited. Mostly because he’s my big brother and I miss him. And I wonder why it took so long to find each other again.

I may have been complacent, coasting, just surviving there for a long while. But I’ve come to a point where I’m so thankful for my life, every the hard stuff, because I’m no wuss. Money and bills are just paper, and most of that dies when I die anyway. May as well stop wishing and start doing.

I finally feel like me again, and it feels fucking fantastic.

one year later

 It’s been a year since I effectively upended my entire marriage in a quest for the truth. It’s been a year of heartache, tears, prayers, therapy, and hours upon hours of late nights and long talks. It’s been a year where my mind has been stretched, where I’ve been tested in ways I never expected, where I have had to reach into the depths of my being to learn (or re-learn) empathy even when it seemed like I shouldn’t have any.

I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought I was, when I had to be enough for the both of us and hold us up through some of the worst. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, that childhood traumas not dealt with can haunt and change a person, and that none of this has ever been about me.

As hard as it was, something beautiful came from all of the pain and anguish and hurt and doubt; a marriage that survived it all and is stronger and better than it ever was. There is beauty in forgiveness, in letting go of the past which can not be changed. There is a beauty in finally understanding, and accepting, all the things from the past.

Love is greater than hate. Forgiveness is better than holding onto a grudge. Understanding is better than questioning. 

This did not happen overnight. I struggled for months and months trying to reason all this out in my head…praying for some divine peace, praying for a reason to believe. We both sat on opposite sides of the hurt and pain, struggling to see the other side.

And then one day in August, everything just clicked. I finally, truly got it. I went to him and said I understood, finally, what he had been trying to tell me for years. I understood him, I understood everything completely, in a way I can’t really describe. But it was like all of a sudden one day, I just knew. And he cried, because I finally got it, finally got him in a way I was never able to before. And it was pretty amazing when it happened.

My life is a good one. It’s had some crazy twist and turns I never expected, but that’s just life. I am happy. We are happy, to a sickening degree. While the past year was excruciatingly difficult at times, it was completely necessary if we were ever going to be free of the past. Our relationship is so strong, our love is so strong, everything is out in the open, no secrets, no lies, no hiding the past. He’s still in therapy, and he likely will be for a long time. It’s 4 decades of crap to untangle for him.

As for us…we’re gonna be just fine.

the thing that never leaves

 For the past several weeks I have been having a string of really strange dreams that have stuck with me long after waking up, leaving me unsettled and just sort of…weird. There isn’t much in common with any of them, yet all involve a small baby somehow. A baby I hold and help care for yet isn’t mine to keep.

It’s been 3 years since my last pregnancy ended, exactly 3 years since I was in miscarriage labor in that hotel room overlooking the beach. It matters not that I have children…it does not making the pain of losing a baby any easier, nor my heart soothed by that fact.

I still yearn for that baby, for the others I lost. No matter how hard I try and how much time has passed I still long for another baby, I still long to carry another pregnancy, I still long to have a newborn against my chest, it’s all it’s newness and hope. I am still triggered by baby bumps and baby clothes and pictures of moms with newborns on their chest, infants in their arms.

It makes me feel like I’m crazy to still feel this way. Am I alone in this?

It’s not all bad

 Despite the fact that my life is like some twisted work of fiction but is in face very real, things aren’t all doom and gloom and terrible. Therapy for both of us separately and a clear communication of personal physical boundaries, and we are able to live together and function as a team while everything else just simmers. We have a lot of work to do, but we also can’t live in that negative space all the time. So…cheers to making the best of it I suppose!

So…onto the good things. Well, for one it’s summer and virtual school is OVER. OMG thank goodness!! It was completely awful for everyone and I sorta can’t wait to put them on the bus in the fall!!

My birthday is Saturday…lots of mixed feeling on that. Weirdly calm about the number but can’t really believe I am actually an adult of that age. At the end of some days I definitely feel it, but mentally? No way. I still curse like a sailor and act like a fool. I just don’t even care anymore. Lol

We bought a crap ton of fireworks and together with some neighbors will put on a pretty massive display on Sunday. We have an open field in our front yard we use, the neighbors have an extended hose, and we just get to watch an awesome homemade display. We also somehow snagged a bounce house rental from Friday until Tuesday!! For under $300. So that goes in the front yard right in front of our bay window so the kids can be safely in and out all weekend.

My brother whose been going through a shitty divorce is in town for 2 days and wanted to hang out and told me to pick a place for dinner tonight. Divorce sucks but it has brought he and I closer and we chat fairly often now when we never did before, so although I hate what he’s going through I’m grateful he still likes me.

Amazon. Seriously the best. My 7 year old Smoosh loves to craft and create, so I ordered a bunch of different kits and supplies. We tried out the Dino Dig kit where you excavate the fossil and then paint it. Well…we used a tray on the bedroom floor and the rock material makes a HUGE mess. Carpet wasn’t the best place for that. But it was really cool and fun to do.

Speaking of bedrooms…we are working on the master bedroom currently to give it more our vibe. I’ve always hated the color of our room (lavender) and found this awesome color called Ocean Abyss by Behr where I got a massage a few weeks back, and it’s awesome. A darker gray is going to be the baseboards. Unsure of the doors yet but our attached bathroom is a deep Caribbean blue with cream tile. I also found the perfect coffee table when I wasn’t even looking for one (thanks Amazon🤦🏽‍♀️) Our little hang out sitting space  needed something narrow for storage or if we are having dinner or snacks or playing a game. It’s one that has the pull up arm so the table raises and there is more storage underneath and then a bottom shelf. It’s supposed to be made for smaller spaces. I also but a black metal towel rack with 5 hooks that I need to find a place for. The table should arrive just in time for our 21st wedding anniversary next week (the 7th). 

I know all of this may seem bizarre considering all the circumstances. And it is, believe me. I’d be lying if I said my head wasn’t spinning, because it definitely is. But also…no one is 100% bad and no one is 100% good. We all have shades of darkness and grey, things we did we aren’t proud of. Things we wish we would have done differently. I know I have plenty. I’m not at all making excuses for him, but I would rather let the dust settle and have therapy work some of it magic. I know I wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst day, my worst decision. And for all the terrible trauma my husband has been through, my heart still breaks for him because no human deserves that. And in the end of it wasn’t for all this he wouldn’t have had these memories resurface and be able to get therapy so he can no longer live with so much pain, and for that I am grateful. Part of this has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I had empathy before, but it’s taking me having to try to understand a situation I can completely not even imagine and seeing the bigger picture to really know empathy. And it’s made me better at my job because it requires so much empathy and the people are so poor, so sick in all sorts of ways. It’s the inner city, and the empathy tank can run low if I’m being honest.

And my life isn’t a bad one. I don’t regret anything about family, we are all happy and get along and are teaching each other lessons everyday. And this guy I met when I was 21, he was 22. And the truth of it is we are each other’s best friends. There is a genuine love there. I guess it got hidden in there somewhere for both of us at times along the way. After not really talking for a couple of days, I finally broke down and started babbling away. I realized I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to talk to. It’s always darkest before dawn…I have to believe it’s about to get brighter if I just hang on.

And in honor of Pride Month, I would like to leave you with a picture of beautiful, crazy, bisexual me (Charlotte), a few weeks ago clowning at work before putting on scrubs🤪

i’m not ok, either

 Jess wrote last week (I think it was last week) about NOT being ok.And all I could think of was, I’m not ok, either.

Because I’m not. My feelings about being wary of my husband going through therapy became true; because to talk about himself means to talk about me. I’m so tangled up in his lies and his past that of course I would come up. And then it brought up more things that were lies….and it’s left me feeling broken. Every single thing on every list of emotional manipulation and sexual predator behavior he used on me in the beginning, over and over, and made me feel safe so I would trust him. Finding all of this out 21 years later is a sucker punch to the gut. Sad. Angry. Hurt. Disgusted. Just sick to my stomach over each memory. Realizing just how far he went to get what he wanted…convincing me to not use protection and try for a baby, all while doing the same thing with his wife (who I knew nothing about until I was 4 months pregnant).

Realizing how he failed to protect me then, and how he failed to protect me now. He held on to the secrets and lies and made me go to his ex-wife to find out the truth. It was brutal and painful and horrific in every way to sit across from this person and hear all about my husband who I thought I knew. And then when I didn’t have all the pieces, instead of coming clean he made my brain work like a detective to put everything in order.

And then my brain and body had the realization that he, as a victim of sexual abuse, abused me by abusing my trust, by lying to me about absolutely everything and hiding anything he didn’t want me to see. Hurt people Hurt people, and he hurt me. Parts of me feel beyond repair. Physically my body does not want to be close to his. The few words he says ring hollow. Everything I’ve ever asked of him he hasn’t been able to do. He’s broken too. And he broke me.

What do you do if the foundation of your relationship was based on lies and deceit, and manipulation?? How in the hell do you even begin to fix that? All while knowing leaving isn’t an option. I will not punish my kids because of him. And ironically, he’s a pretty decent dad, albeit not super affectionate as they get older. But man.

I feel stupid. I feel humiliated. I feel used. I feel violated. I feel lost. I feel such a deep sadness it feels like it may swallow me whole.

I don’t know when I’ll be ok again.

Currently

Let’s see…right now I’m…

Drinking a now-cold latte from Wawa from this morning.

Listening to-the tv in the background and my little boys wrestling with my husband.

Playing a drawing game with Smoosh (7).

Answering a million non-.stop questions from my Cuddle Bud (5)

Waiting to get to take a nap before work again tonight. Currently I’ve been awake now for 24 hours straight.

Wanting to get my music playlists completed and organized. I lost so much stuff from old music accounts and phone transfers over the years and I hate general radio and anything with ads.

Excited for date night on Thursday. Half of it involves errands but we are definitely going to do something together out of the house that’s just for us too. We try to do these at least biweekly to maintain some sort of sanity and connection.

Reading…well I just finished a textbook on medical ethics for my CE credits. I have several books to choose from but my brain feels kind of fried. Trying to keep up with blogs (I don’t even follow all THAT many, and few who post regularly) and commenting has been challenging enough for me lately!

Listening to a real weird mix of all generals and eras thanks to an incomplete playlist and a free Siri’s/XM subscription. It’s actually been a really fun to dive into and it’s so amazing how our brains can remember songs we haven’t heard in decades, yet I can’t ever figure out where I put my damn keys 🤣

Working on some financial moves that will hopefully put us in a better position moving forward. Hoping everything aligns because I have big plans.

Failed at growing some plants from seedlings. It started out so promising and then everything just died. After much google I probably “over-loved” them. ~le sigh~

Wishing I didn’t have to go to work tonight, but at least it’s my last one in this series of shifts.

Dreading the full moon on Wednesday and all the weirdness and craziness that always happens.

Happy Monday?!

For more micro-blog Monday fun visit stirrup-queens.com

Friday SoapBox

 So this comment was left on a blog I follow, and it has really irked me. Besides the fact that I consider Lollipop Goldstein a friend so the personal attack upset me, but the entire reason for the comment shows so much ignorance to what the ENTIRE WORLD has been going through. While I get that there are area that have not been hit very hard by Covid, you would have to live under a rock to not be aware of this Global Pandemic. And really, it’s like a twisted 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon game, except that now it’s nearly impossible to find someone who doesn’t know someone who has been affected by Covid in some way.

“I will never understand why this is a debate… if you choose to mask and vaccinate and you believe those things actually work, then it shouldn’t matter if someone else chooses not to mask/vaccinate because your mask/vaccine “protects” you, either they work or they don’t. I don’t understand why some people think they have the right to tell others what to do with their body. Also, let’s be real, you are an introvert who is completely happy rarely socializing or leaving their house, that’s cool, but not everyone has to live the same way. Please stop using your introverted preference to dictate other people’s freedoms/lifestyle.”

I’ve left out the name of the commenter because this isn’t to call one person out, but rather to show how that over a year in, there are still people who don’t get it.

The restrictions and mask requirements are not to infringe in anyone else’s rights, they are protection for ALL humans. Don’t I also have a right to not be exposed to illnesses (not just Covid, mind you, masks are helping keep people from getting ANY kind of illness. How many colds/stomach bugs/strep throat/etc, etc has anyone who has followed the rules had in the last year? Even if you personally haven’t worn a mask, you’ve likely not gotten sick because of the people who are wearing them. And it’s basic science that when 2 people wear a mask and social distance the rate of any type of illness transmission is reduced to almost zero.

Whether we agree or like it or not, EVERYONE has to do their part if we ever want this to be over. This isn’t an option and has nothing at all to do with rights. I don’t know why we as an American culture feel that every single mandate put in to place is a personal attack on any one or group of individuals, and I’m specifically talking about Pandemic-related mandates. It would make way more sense if these were nationwide restrictions until the collective numbers went down, but every state and even county or town has their own set of rules, making it tricky if you commute or travel.

But make no mistake. I have been working on the front lines since this whole thing started….I’ve seen the worst of the worst of this virus up close. Covid doesn’t discriminate between sex, race, age, health, or social status. In short-this is EVERYONE’S problem and responsibility as a human to try and help solve and do what we can for the greater good. And if wearing a mask feels too restrictive, then stay home. Shop online. Or maybe stop being selfish and wear the mask in honor of those who died of Covid, or because of Covid, like so many people isolated in nursing care facilities who just declined due to the isolation. Get a vaccine for those who are immune compromised or otherwise can’t receive a vaccine…for all the children under 16 who aren’t currently eligible. Wear a mask for them.

But for God’s sake stop thinking that everyone else can do the work to stop this, and the selfishness and short-sightedness that comes from this commenter’s way of thinking. Because if too many people think that way and keep naively believing it’s all about control and rights, all the vaccines given out won’t matter, we won’t hit the threshold for herd immunity. And what happens then?

***And just as a PSA…if you don’t like or agree with someone, by all means have a valid argument that makes sense, and leave the personal attacks out, it’s just so unnecessary, and doesn’t do anything to support your point. It just makes you look (and sound) like a jerk. Kindness goes a long way. If you don’t like what’s being said, you can stop reading. THAT, you have total control over.