Christmas our way

 Mel wrote a post about being a non-Christmas-celebrating  person wanting to know about Christmas traditions. I am just as fascinated with how others celebrate their own holiday traditions so I thought I’d write about our Christmas and how it looks today.

We get a real tree every year…I am adamant about this. We usually go the day after thanksgiving every year in search of the perfect tree…a big fall Douglas Fir. This years tree isn’t as big as years past, but it was the biggest we found.

I usually start holiday shopping in October or November, when I gather things in my virtual carts and wait for a lower price and then curate the list based on everyone’s wish lists. We believe in Santa over here, so I always try and find things not on a wish list that the kids don’t know about and would love. This years scores were a cropped fuzzy Zara jacket (my second daughter and I love high end goods but only when found thrifting or on a resale website) an Xbox game, special toys and games for the little guys, and a new guitar for my husband. Other than the kids, the only other people we shopped for were our moms, one neighbor, and my beauties and I always exchange. My siblings and I and all the kids stopped exchanging long ago because it’s just too much, and not the sole reason for the season anyway.

This year Christmas Eve was quiet, unlike years past when I’ve hosted large family gatherings and make all the food. A tradition we have had since lunch on Christmas Eve was a huge meal was to order us a lunch meat and deli trays from the grocery store and have that for dinner, so we swapped that out this year for our low key lunch with just our family instead. We finished some holiday baking (just cookies this year, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin) Christmas Eve I spend wrapping alll the things after the kids were in bed, I just can’t seem to do this any sooner even if I had time. I finished and got to bed by about 1am.

Christmas morning the kids woke us up bright and early, and within an hour we were opening gifts. It starts out with the stockings (candy and a few smaller items, like Uno and lotions for the girls, gift card for my oldest son) and then everyone gets a gift to open and then it’s a free for all basically. I love giving gifts but i don’t love getting them, ever, so it’s weird for me. My husband restored my dads ancient ukuleles I rescued from my parents basement,so I can display them…which is perfect. I also picked out a new luggage set I found for a steal in my favorite color (purple) and other than a few small gifts from the kids and my godmother and our moms that was it. Which suits me just fine. I also gifted my mom some designer duds for tax season when she works, all at resale prices. Top score there was a wool Burberry blazer. 

Christmas morning after presents we always have a huge breakfast of home fries, eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes. My husband has learned how to make everything so he took over while I sat with the kids watching them play with their new stuff having my coffee. It was glorious. We all got to chill all afternoon and I got in a nap before our mothers came over for dinner…marinated flank steak, potato and Mac salad, lasagna, dinner rolls and salad. Cookies for dessert.

So nothing too crazy, I enjoy the run up to Christmas but it can be very exhausting (especially my bank account hah) so I’m really thankful that this year was relatively low key. It made it that much more enjoyable.

What are your traditions for whatever you celebrate this time of year.

Highlights from a year

 Wow well what a year it’s been! Here’s some highlights:

The year started with my husband losing his job, which sucked in the moment but allowed him to start his own business after a summer of studying and test taking and certifications. It also allowed me to realize the importance of being happy in your job, so I changed jobs, not once, but twice. The job that I initially took ended up being a terrible fit for me in all the ways, so I took a leap and left that job. I start my new job in a couple weeks and I’m pretty confident this will be a really good fit, which I knew with the last job that may not be the case but I was willing to try.

We found a new vacation spot that we fell in love with and are working toward the goal of moving there, new state about 5 hours away. It seriously felt like home and there is a need for the business my husband does, so it’s not a completely out of reach goal.

My second daughter will graduate this year, and she has applied to colleges, not in state. This is something that is incredibly hard for me and makes me have all the feels. But she needs to spread her wings and she can’t do that staying here, I need to let her go but MAN is this ever hard. No one prepares you for the letting go.

I reconnected with my older brother whom I haven’t seen since our dad passed away. Immediately we made plans for me to come visit, across the country and way up in a semi-remote mountain town. It was THE BEST visit and hands down the best part of my year. A piece of me that I didn’t know was missing made me feel whole again. He’s 20 years older than me and we got to talk about Dad and I actually got to have some peace and closure on certain aspects of my life, and I finally have someone who actually looks like me and also acts like me (or I act like him, I was always super close with him growing up.) We talk (well text) almost daily since then and it’s been pretty awesome. He also has a lot in common with my husband so they’ve been chatting a lot too and it’s been this really full circle thing.

So it’s been a transition year and a mixed bag but overall things are good. Life is good. We’re all here and healthy and happy and I think the way the world is going, that’s a pretty big deal. Therapy has changed my husbands life, our marriage has never been better. There are many blessings to be found when you stick with someone through the worst of things to get to the other side and experience how good things can be. 2023 is full of travel and promise to be a good year. Here’s hoping.

What was your year like? And if anyone out there is on IG I’d love to follow along with you. My name on there is radmdrtr stop by and say hello! I miss my blogging buddies and I read everything you write, even when I’m not commenting, I’m still there!

Meet my Great-Niece

This is little Pea. She had a hard beginning and spent some time in the Nicu, but she gets to come home this week and I finally get to meet her in person Thursday! She’s the first baby on that side of the family so she’s extra special. A little slice of Heaven on Earth. I have to admit it makes me Wistful, vehklempt. But I’m letting my happiness for my niece and the pride I have in how well she’s done, and I’m just over the moon. Welcome to this crazy world, my little Pea. I can’t wait to be the coolest great-aunt ever!

The New New

 So let’s just pretend it isn’t been months since I last blog and just get right to it.

I resigned from my job of almost 15 years.

Let me back up.

End of January my husband was laid off, out of the blue and quite unceremoniously. After the shock and sadness wore off of him, I convinced him to start his own business and so now he’s running a small operation from home, and once we get the legal stuff taken care of, it will be busier, we’re all pitching in to pass out business cards and wear logo shirts and it’s going to be a real family thing. Thanks to my online shopping skills, I am the purchaser for all the things. 

So fast forward these past few months, I’ve been carefully balancing vacation days with working extra and my overnight hours plus day hours were really starting to burn me out. Slowly I became less happy at work, but thought I was doing what I had to do.

Until about a month ago, when the bosses royally fucked up with a market raise that only some people got, and that I didn’t get. This all happened with it showing up on checks before anyone was ever told everything, mind you. Market raises are firstly supposed to be for everybody with the same credentials, which did not happen here. And I figured out on my own the reason I didn’t get mine was over a bullshit write up I got last July because I wasn’t Coddling to the younger people and someone got offended. The senario that was told never happened and I never got asked my side (although you can bet I gave it) but got written up anyway because this person skipped everybody else and went straight to the top who dumped it in the one person with whom dislikes me and that feeling is mutual. I looked it up and it states that write ups that occur in the 12 months prior to a market raise may be used in determining a raise (or not).

I was at month 11.

Not wanting to cause anyone any stress or upsetness, I didn’t tell anyone. But I started to realize in my head that this place doesn’t value it’s long term employees. I’ve worked steadily through this entire pandemic and continue to do so. My job is in the city. It’s not safe for me to drive to work or walk into the building across the street. It’s not safe inside because of the types of things we deal with and the patients we get every night. And it’s about an hour commute, so I think the gas prices explain that pretty well. And my work life balance was weighing way down on the work side so that’s been hard on all of us.

So. I updated my resume, sent it out, and phone started ringing right away and hasn’t stopped. I have an offer I accepted, and it’s a good one, and it’s half the commute or less, although still taking calls, because I don’t start just yet. Everything aligned with when to put in my notice in and my summer vacation I was already approved for. I’m down to my last 2 weeks here. This all happened in a matter of days.

The healthcare market is in dire straits, as is the whole world right now. I know what my experience is worth, and I demanded it. I went in like a badass version of myself I haven’t felt like in a long while, and I refused to be nervous and intimidated. I was also quite candid which I think may have scored me points because I was real. Like when I was explaining wanting to get out of the inner city hospitals, I said “I don’t want that to be how I die.” Which may sound crazy but it’s true. I’m hyper aware that I am unsafe Everytime I go to work  and that’s sad.

And I got the offer while we were out for our 22nd Wedding Anniversary. So it all seemed so kismet.

The pandemic has taught me a lot, but mostly that life is too damn short to be wasted on things that don’t matter. I have an older brother I was always close to but that I haven’t seen in 14 years. We reconnected (my daughter messaged him since I’m not on fb) and we started texting like no time had passed, and I booked a trip to go see him in mid-September in the wilderness of Idaho (seriously, he has mountain lions on his property) and he’s going to take me flying, teach me to shoot a gun, and go skydiving. He’s almost 20 years older than me, but he’s up for it. This will be a type of trip I’ve never been on before, but I’m excited. Mostly because he’s my big brother and I miss him. And I wonder why it took so long to find each other again.

I may have been complacent, coasting, just surviving there for a long while. But I’ve come to a point where I’m so thankful for my life, every the hard stuff, because I’m no wuss. Money and bills are just paper, and most of that dies when I die anyway. May as well stop wishing and start doing.

I finally feel like me again, and it feels fucking fantastic.

one year later

 It’s been a year since I effectively upended my entire marriage in a quest for the truth. It’s been a year of heartache, tears, prayers, therapy, and hours upon hours of late nights and long talks. It’s been a year where my mind has been stretched, where I’ve been tested in ways I never expected, where I have had to reach into the depths of my being to learn (or re-learn) empathy even when it seemed like I shouldn’t have any.

I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I ever thought I was, when I had to be enough for the both of us and hold us up through some of the worst. I learned that things aren’t always what they seem, that childhood traumas not dealt with can haunt and change a person, and that none of this has ever been about me.

As hard as it was, something beautiful came from all of the pain and anguish and hurt and doubt; a marriage that survived it all and is stronger and better than it ever was. There is beauty in forgiveness, in letting go of the past which can not be changed. There is a beauty in finally understanding, and accepting, all the things from the past.

Love is greater than hate. Forgiveness is better than holding onto a grudge. Understanding is better than questioning. 

This did not happen overnight. I struggled for months and months trying to reason all this out in my head…praying for some divine peace, praying for a reason to believe. We both sat on opposite sides of the hurt and pain, struggling to see the other side.

And then one day in August, everything just clicked. I finally, truly got it. I went to him and said I understood, finally, what he had been trying to tell me for years. I understood him, I understood everything completely, in a way I can’t really describe. But it was like all of a sudden one day, I just knew. And he cried, because I finally got it, finally got him in a way I was never able to before. And it was pretty amazing when it happened.

My life is a good one. It’s had some crazy twist and turns I never expected, but that’s just life. I am happy. We are happy, to a sickening degree. While the past year was excruciatingly difficult at times, it was completely necessary if we were ever going to be free of the past. Our relationship is so strong, our love is so strong, everything is out in the open, no secrets, no lies, no hiding the past. He’s still in therapy, and he likely will be for a long time. It’s 4 decades of crap to untangle for him.

As for us…we’re gonna be just fine.

the thing that never leaves

 For the past several weeks I have been having a string of really strange dreams that have stuck with me long after waking up, leaving me unsettled and just sort of…weird. There isn’t much in common with any of them, yet all involve a small baby somehow. A baby I hold and help care for yet isn’t mine to keep.

It’s been 3 years since my last pregnancy ended, exactly 3 years since I was in miscarriage labor in that hotel room overlooking the beach. It matters not that I have children…it does not making the pain of losing a baby any easier, nor my heart soothed by that fact.

I still yearn for that baby, for the others I lost. No matter how hard I try and how much time has passed I still long for another baby, I still long to carry another pregnancy, I still long to have a newborn against my chest, it’s all it’s newness and hope. I am still triggered by baby bumps and baby clothes and pictures of moms with newborns on their chest, infants in their arms.

It makes me feel like I’m crazy to still feel this way. Am I alone in this?

It’s not all bad

 Despite the fact that my life is like some twisted work of fiction but is in face very real, things aren’t all doom and gloom and terrible. Therapy for both of us separately and a clear communication of personal physical boundaries, and we are able to live together and function as a team while everything else just simmers. We have a lot of work to do, but we also can’t live in that negative space all the time. So…cheers to making the best of it I suppose!

So…onto the good things. Well, for one it’s summer and virtual school is OVER. OMG thank goodness!! It was completely awful for everyone and I sorta can’t wait to put them on the bus in the fall!!

My birthday is Saturday…lots of mixed feeling on that. Weirdly calm about the number but can’t really believe I am actually an adult of that age. At the end of some days I definitely feel it, but mentally? No way. I still curse like a sailor and act like a fool. I just don’t even care anymore. Lol

We bought a crap ton of fireworks and together with some neighbors will put on a pretty massive display on Sunday. We have an open field in our front yard we use, the neighbors have an extended hose, and we just get to watch an awesome homemade display. We also somehow snagged a bounce house rental from Friday until Tuesday!! For under $300. So that goes in the front yard right in front of our bay window so the kids can be safely in and out all weekend.

My brother whose been going through a shitty divorce is in town for 2 days and wanted to hang out and told me to pick a place for dinner tonight. Divorce sucks but it has brought he and I closer and we chat fairly often now when we never did before, so although I hate what he’s going through I’m grateful he still likes me.

Amazon. Seriously the best. My 7 year old Smoosh loves to craft and create, so I ordered a bunch of different kits and supplies. We tried out the Dino Dig kit where you excavate the fossil and then paint it. Well…we used a tray on the bedroom floor and the rock material makes a HUGE mess. Carpet wasn’t the best place for that. But it was really cool and fun to do.

Speaking of bedrooms…we are working on the master bedroom currently to give it more our vibe. I’ve always hated the color of our room (lavender) and found this awesome color called Ocean Abyss by Behr where I got a massage a few weeks back, and it’s awesome. A darker gray is going to be the baseboards. Unsure of the doors yet but our attached bathroom is a deep Caribbean blue with cream tile. I also found the perfect coffee table when I wasn’t even looking for one (thanks Amazon🤦🏽‍♀️) Our little hang out sitting space  needed something narrow for storage or if we are having dinner or snacks or playing a game. It’s one that has the pull up arm so the table raises and there is more storage underneath and then a bottom shelf. It’s supposed to be made for smaller spaces. I also but a black metal towel rack with 5 hooks that I need to find a place for. The table should arrive just in time for our 21st wedding anniversary next week (the 7th). 

I know all of this may seem bizarre considering all the circumstances. And it is, believe me. I’d be lying if I said my head wasn’t spinning, because it definitely is. But also…no one is 100% bad and no one is 100% good. We all have shades of darkness and grey, things we did we aren’t proud of. Things we wish we would have done differently. I know I have plenty. I’m not at all making excuses for him, but I would rather let the dust settle and have therapy work some of it magic. I know I wouldn’t want to be judged based on my worst day, my worst decision. And for all the terrible trauma my husband has been through, my heart still breaks for him because no human deserves that. And in the end of it wasn’t for all this he wouldn’t have had these memories resurface and be able to get therapy so he can no longer live with so much pain, and for that I am grateful. Part of this has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I had empathy before, but it’s taking me having to try to understand a situation I can completely not even imagine and seeing the bigger picture to really know empathy. And it’s made me better at my job because it requires so much empathy and the people are so poor, so sick in all sorts of ways. It’s the inner city, and the empathy tank can run low if I’m being honest.

And my life isn’t a bad one. I don’t regret anything about family, we are all happy and get along and are teaching each other lessons everyday. And this guy I met when I was 21, he was 22. And the truth of it is we are each other’s best friends. There is a genuine love there. I guess it got hidden in there somewhere for both of us at times along the way. After not really talking for a couple of days, I finally broke down and started babbling away. I realized I didn’t have anyone else I wanted to talk to. It’s always darkest before dawn…I have to believe it’s about to get brighter if I just hang on.

And in honor of Pride Month, I would like to leave you with a picture of beautiful, crazy, bisexual me (Charlotte), a few weeks ago clowning at work before putting on scrubs🤪