goodbye baby

Monday night I started spotting before I went to bed. I have my husband a heads up that I may need to get in to the doctor the next morning, but then nothing at all the next day, although I did got through another emotionally hard day where I was just ready and sad all day. Yesterday morning again I had some spotting when I wiped. It was a bit darker and heavier than Monday night, and I mayyyybe had some cramping. But then that was it, nothing more. This morning I again had some spotting when I wiped. I put on a pad to be safe just like the other times but didn’t really think much about it since I didn’t have any cramps at all.

A while later I went to the bathroom and had some dark purple blood with some mucous when I wiped, but still no cramps. I got up and took a few steps out of the bathroom when I felt a steady stream coming out of me. I had on a pad but it felt like that wasn’t going to be enough so I circled around back to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. I tried to wipe but each time I felt a steady liquid flow from my body. I was home alone with a 4 year old and 2 year old. The 2 year old cane in and said “look mommy” and pointed at the blood all over the toilet seat. He took my cell phone to play with and left the bathroom. I had blood all over my hand from trying to wipe myself up. At this point I didn’t even think I could lean forward to grab another pad out of the cabinet without making a huge mess everywhere. I still didn’t feel cramps really, maybe slight ones but nothing that would have made me think I was going to start bleeding like this. At some point I heard the phone ring and asked my 4 year old to bring it to me. I at least wanted a phone nearby in case this didn’t ease up fairly quickly. My mom had called to give me some information and I asked if she could just text it to me because I had started bleeding badly and couldn’t get off the toilet right now. She immediately got worried and I told her I was OK, I was going to call my doctor.

I called my doctor while I was still sitting in the toilet. He is so wonderful, he had alerted his staff that if I called to immediately put me in touch with him, so they did just that. He asked “Are you ok? Do you think you need a D&C?” I told him no, I didn’t feel like we needed to rush to that but should I come see him, that I was bleeding with clots and some cramping. (The cramping started as I was in the phone.)He let me know he was at his other office location and he didn’t want me to drive to him because it wasn’t near me, plus that office doesn’t have an ultrasound machine so he could check things out. He asked if I needed any pain meds and if I wanted to have some medication that might help things along. I said “I don’t think I need that, I think I have already passed everything”. He said he had an appointment of his own tomorrow and couldn’t stay late but would come in early tomorrow morning and see me before his schedule started if I could meet him there. And that if I needed anything in between then to just call him.

So I sat there for a few more minutes, pretty shocked, because it happened so fast. I started to clean myself up as best I could and was wiping tons of thick purple clots. In all I was probably only bleeding like that for under 10 minutes. I sat until I felt like I wasn’t just gushing anymore. I put on double pads just in case. I went and got 4 Motrin and took that, and opened a Thermacare patch and applied that over my lower pelvis. My mom called back and said she was coming so I could put my feet up. I didn’t feel bad. I wasn’t bleeding heavy. But I let her come because she wanted to. I wasn’t even emotional at this point. The cramps did pick up a bit before the Motrin kicked in and I had a few more small gushes of blood but nothing like that. More bright red blood and some smaller period-like clots. A few intense waves of cramps here and there but nothing unmanageable.

After a little while, once I had made my boys lunch and had a cup of coffee, I went up to take a shower. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding really heavy before I got in. And it all sort of washed over me with the hot water...I just lost my baby. Even though the sac had always stayed empty, I still look at it as if it were my baby, because it was supposed to be. It was still half me and half my husband and just like all 5 of my living children and my 3 other angel babies. I loved this baby as much as I love all of them, even if I was shocked and panicked when I first found out. My oldest came home as I was getting out of the shower and just sat with me and held me while I took a moment to just reflect. I know I shouldn’t lean on her, she’s my kid, but I needed that. Because on some level, she gets it.

I was texting with my hormone specialist about all of this the other night, and she assured me that Blighted Ovums (or anembryotic pregnancies) are a complete horrible fluke and not related to age or anything I may or may not have done. She also gave me the space to talk about how I was feeling emotionally, which was nice.

The other day I ran in to someone I know from my community and she was visibly pregnant, and she was wearing a shirt that eluded to the surprise nature of her pregnancy (something about the baby being a plot twist) and while I didn’t go up to speak with her, I did silently wonder why she got to keep her surprise and I didn’t.

I suspect when I go to the doctor my uterus is going to be empty and just look like a normal menstrating uterus. I hope my doctor clears metonuse tampons because pads are just like another reminder that things went horribly wrong, and also because I want to be able to swim on our little getaway this weekend. I took off even earlier on Sunday than I had originally planned because I just need a mental break and reset. I had actually decided to do that on Tuesday when I was just feeling so emotionally raw again.

Tonight I am just going to lay low and be sad for how this ended. My oldest went to work and make me an incredibly indulgent Pumpkin Pie Frappuccino, and I am going to sit and watch TV with my husband while we get some rare Chinese food and sit just the two of us (and maybe my oldest will join us, she loves to cuddle and watch TV) Tomorrow is the homecoming parade and we will have a full house for the next 2 days so tonight is it.

Watching me lay on the couch looking pitiful and sad, my husband said that we have to make sure this never happens to me again. And that made me even sadder because this is not the ending to the story that I would write. But unfortunately I know enough to know it doesn’t really matter. You don’t always get what you want.