The worst isn’t over yet

Miscarriage is lonely. Every pad I change reminds me of how my body failed me. Why couldn’t it just do what it is supposed to do? Last week I felt better and okish. The weekend even started off alright as well. But then I woke up in our hotel room in actual labor. The pain was so intense and out of the blue. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. I couldn’t take enough Motrin to full the pain. I lost the entire morning just trying to get a handle on it. I was bleeding more heavy but nothing crazy, but I was experiencing all of the stomach upset from all the intense cramping. Managed to salvage part of the day and didn’t end up feeling too bad or crampy. Made it home and got everyone settled and went to bed myself.

Woke up this morning with promise. Didn’t feel bad at all, but had taken some Motrin early just to be safe. It wouldn’t matter. Not long after waking up and trying to get my son ready for his first day of preschool, the labor pains started back up, andbthis time with extreme pressure and bleeding with clots again. It is truly a kick in the guts to be doubled over with true labor pains and not have a baby to be coking out on the other side to make all of this worth it. The physical pain matched the pain in my heart. Once again I was experiencing all of the upset stomach effects of labor, now along with extreme lower pelvic pressure and heavy blood and clots. I was breathing through every pain, sometimes to the point of tears, sometimes holding my breathe. I texted my doctor a WTF text like what am I supposed to do, is this shit normal, maybe I need a D&C after all type of text. Once again I lost the entire morning to this. Only this time my emotions and heart were completely undone by all of this.

The pain and bleeding is under control (for now) but my emotions are absolutely shook. I am beyond despair right now. Trying to let all the feeling out and cry all the tears I can. Tears for this loss, tears for what won’t get to be, tears for how damn lonely this all feels. Right now everything just feels like too much. Like I don’t know how to get out of this hole. I started thinkuanouy how it’s October already, and how since June I have felt like I was barely keeping my head above water, and how as soon as I felt like I could float I got pulled under again.  I all at oce want to curl up in a ball and hide forever, and also run as far away as I can. I will do neither and end up somewhere  in between those two things. But for right this moment as I sit alone in my closet trying to put myself back together, I feel so very sad and so very alone.

As for what my doctor said, he has so much empathy. He will schedule surgery for me as soon as I give the ok, but from what we saw on the ultrasound, I should be pretty close to having everything out, considering all the pain and tissue I have been passing. I think if I wake up tomorrow to another round of this, I am going to send him the please just schedule a D&C text to him. Earlier today I seriously wanted to ask for a total hysterectomy to just be done with all of this, but I know that is not a rational request, and that I am in no shape to be making those kinds of decisions. But sometimes it feels like it would all just be easier if I didn’t have any female organs.