surgery is looking imminent

After all of the extended cramping and bleeding and the ultrasound my doctor did, I was hopeful I was over some of the worst of it, like my body did what it was supposed to do. My doctor wanted me to follow up on Friday morning if it was still lots of clotting and blood. Well, it had been first thing in the morning when I woke up but then it had been tapering off to a bit more than spotting by early afternoon, so I figured I would wait and get my blood drawn the next day and have a better picture of everything.

Well. My beta is 2781. I know. So I had the u/s tech scan me and I guess all the cramping has moved a bunch of tissue around so now I have 22mm of echogenic gunk in my uterus. And I wouldn’t say that I have exactly been cramping over the last couple days, more like little irritations. So clear sky this miscarriage is incomplete.

My doctor has wanted to prescribe me either cytotec or Methergine to take at home. But I am TERRIFIED of taking something at home. The labor-intense contractions last week were at the very top of my pain threshold. I couldn’t function at all it was so bad, all I could do was rock back and forth on my hands and knees and breathe/cry. That kind of pain just seems cruel and unnecessary to just expel the remains of a failed pregnancy. I am so scared that taking medication at home is going to cause that kind of pain and then I am just stuck in it.

And I am also just SO angry that things are going this way. That my options now are extreme pain and more bleeding or surgery. Which takes me back to the circle of guilt and and the what did I do to deserve this thoughts I wrote about yesterday. And part of me now feels like surgery is the best option to just get all this over with, to just be done with all this shit. And my heart. Oh, how this is just stabbing me in the heart.

I do ok for a while, especially at last weeks’ end, when I thought I was almost done with this and hopeful for a nice low beta, if not back to zero. That sent me into a panic spiral and also just a sad letdown of feelings. After work I went to do some necessary retail therapy at Goodwill to try to get out of my head and just process everything, to let things settle.

And I came across the most beautifully soft crib bedding hidden among the tablecloths and I paused for a moment and ran my hands along the soft plush fabric thinking how perfect it was, and feeling a physical squeezing pain in my heart, and I almost lost it right there in Goodwill amongst the curtains and housewares. And all in one quick moment I felt all 5 of those stages of grief wash over me, one after another. And I felt myself start to cramp a little more and felt the blood once again leaking out into the pad in my underwear and I was brought right back to reality.

I am about to reach out to my doctor. Unless he can give me some reasonable assurance that using Methergeine will likely work and that it shouldn’t send me in to actual labor, then I am going to get on the schedule for a D&C, hopefully by weeks end and finally be done with this part of my nightmare.