Guilt and disarray

Lately I have been consumed with feeling of guilt over my miscarriage. That I somehow put something bad out in the universe to deserve this. That maybe I’m just not a good enough mother, a good enough person and I don’t deserve to have another child. That maybe because I was shocked and scared and didn’t embrace the pregnancy the second I found out, that maybe I somehow caused this to happen. I know in my head and my heart that that is not true, but thoughts and feelings in grief and distress are not always rational and sometimes in the quiet moments, in the darkest and saddest moments these thoughts creep in.

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Towards the end of last week I realized that with everything else going on, I needed to grocery shop because I needed to cook some meals for my family. Wednesday afternoon I get ambitious so I went out and picked up some fresh meats and other ingredients and grilled up several meals worth of dinners. The air was thick and humid and not at all fall-like and I kept thinking how I was just waiting for that cooler air, the ushering in of a new season so I could take a deep breathe and feel lighter.

Thursday I went back out shopping for all the other stuff the house needed, came home and made another fresh meal, and went to try and get some bills paid and sort out the budget, things that have gone by the wayside as I just haven’t had the mental energy to deal with. I ended up in a really awful mood and put myself to bed rather early because I just couldn’t deal with life.

Friday was a no-preschool day and my boys and I decided we just needed a morning to chill out together and not do too much. My niece texted me and asked if she could bring a healthy lunch and would I eat it with her. While she was hear entertaining the boys, I decided to start doing some laundry, something else I realized I hadn’t done in a while. When I got to the basement, I saw about 6 loads of laundry that needed to get done, all piled up in baskets and hampers. I found towels in the dryer and wet towels in the washer, evidence that someone had at least attempted to help out. But all of the laundry and all of the mess looked like I have felt these past weeks, in utter disarray.

And it made me realize that that was part of my problem. All that piled up laundry and stack of bills that had to get paid was evidence that the rest of the world kept moving, that everyone else kept moving, while I was stuck in place. My external world had stopped. And I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to keep going as if everything is normal, as if nothing has changed. I feel sort of like frozen in time. It doesn’t feel right that everything keeps on going, that I am expected to just keep it moving.

Maybe because I am still in the thick of it. I don’t have any resolve yet. I have the possibility of a D&C lingering in the air, thanks to bloodwork that shows my hcg levels are still very high. Maybe once this is all said and done for good I will finally feel free, like I can truly take a deep breathe and continue on.