Grief is not linear. That is a statement we hear over and over again on these blogs, and it is so true. It is very easy to bounce around in the various stages of grief even years after the event. Sometimes the grief seems to fade, only to swoop back in and draw you under out of nowhere.
I had been thinking about my dad a lot this summer. Triggered I think by the stressful situation we are going through, wishing he were still here because then I wouldn’t feel so stressed and worried. When he was around I always felt safe and never worried, because I knew he would make sure I was taken care of. There are so many ways grief hits you, but I couldn’t help but think of all the things that wouldn’t have happened if my dad hadn’t died. This situation we are in now would never have happened because the events that lead up to it would never have happened. It’s the butterfly effect on a grand scale. I had been feeling all those grief feelings for a while and it was all leading up to something. The universe was putting things in play.
The day after I retuned from vacation I got a message that my sister’s Dad had gotten suddenly ill. He had been unwell for a while but the latest news had been positive, but he had taken a turn. My sister is the closet person in the world to me. Although she is 9 years older, she has always been my person, and I hers. We have been through every major life event together. She gave me tough love when I needed it, and I tried to help her have some grit. There aren’t many flights to where she lives and it’s an all day drive. I had a shift on Sunday and I was about to get coverage when he seemed to get better so I was told to wait. My daughter and I had been fruit picking all day and ended up with heat exhaustion so I was down and out for a couple hours. By the time things took a turn for the worse it was late into the night and no way for me to get there quickly and I also had to work my shift, but I kept in contact with everyone there so I was up all night with them. My heart just broke as my sister had to help make those final decisions for his care (Please Everyone have an advanced directive. It is SO important.) He passed away the next morning.
In between this time I felt like I knew what was happening so I told my husband we needed to make a plan because I had a feeling I was going to need to leave to go to her. Coming back from vacation I was afraid there was going to be an issue, but he told me to just go to her, he would handle things. He may not have known how to be there for me when my own father passed away, but he has learned enough about me to understand my need to be there for those certain people in my life and didn’t even question anything. One thing my father’s death did for me was gain so much empathy. I got that from him.
The day before I told my mom I thought she should leave to go and we got in a fight about it because she didn’t feel it was her place to be there (citing a divorce that happened the better part of a half a century ago) and I argued that we needed to be there for my sister, that was all that mattered. My heart was already breaking for her because I know what that feels like. I also did a great deal of comforting my niece. She’s 25 but has never seen anyone sick that way and hooked up to all the monitors and didn’t understand things that were happening, all the while trying to stay strong for her mom and her younger siblings.
That was always my role every since I am remember...being the strong one, being the rock. When my sister’s Nana was sick I was pretty young. I remember going with my sister to visit her and holding her hand when my sister felt to sad or scared to. When my uncle was battling leukemia when I was in high school I was there through all of it, holing up my mom and my grandmother. When my own grandmother was ill, I was there translating medical terminology to everyone else, while I was still in high school, holding my grandmother for tests and helping in ways that were way beyond my years. When both grandparents passed away I held up my mom and my younger cousins. Even when my dad was sick, my own grief was tempered by the role I had to play in being the rock for my mom. In quiet corners my sister held me up so I could have some wherewithal to get my mom through it. And now with this, I held up my nieces and nephews and sister, all while feeling these huge waves of grief for the loss I knew and was now watching someone I loved deeply feel. I didn’t have any words other than “I am so sorry.” But I guess that is the truest life lesson...love hard and show up for the people you love when they need you. Just be there. I was sad for my sister and her family, but also for myself. For the dad I had lost and for the man that helped raised my sister who always treated me like family and never made me feel like I was only a “half”.
My grown nephew found me when when I first got there. We stopped to get groceries for the house after my niece picked me up from the airport, and my nephew found us in the middle of Aldi. He grabbed me in a big hug and cried on my shoulder thanking me for coming and saying he was so glad I was there. I don’t think he had been able to show his grief until I was there to let him. So we stood embracing and crying in the middle of the store because that is life sometimes.
I learned so many things on this trip. I learned things about why my mom is the way she is, and the secrets she kept to protect my sister. I now hold the secrets because I guess sometimes things pile up on you and after so many years you have to let them go somewhere. I learned none of us have recovered from my father’s death, just some show it in quiet ways, like my brother in law who still sits in my dad’s old car from time to time because it smells like him. I learned that sacrifices we make for our children sometimes slowly kill us. I learned more about who my mom is deep down. I think I might have also earned a deeper respect from my mom who has treated me differently since she saw me drop everything and come take over and take care of everyone and everything, and how much my sister needed that. She raised us all to never be ones to ask for help and be needy, but she also raised us to love so fiercely and protectively.
I sat with my sister on the deck of her Dad’s house stroking her hair and just letting her talk and cry. I didn’t have to say anything to her because we know the grief we both sit in. For a while now every time I would miss my dad I would text her and tell her to give her dad a hug for me. The universe sets us up in the strangest of ways. My grief allowed her to be more loving in her father’s last months.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Monday, August 6, 2018
Vacation
so we’re on vacation this week. Well, as much of a vacation as it can be when you quite literally pack your entire house into 2 vehicles, drive about 3 hours away to the beach, unpack and do all the same stuff there for 7 days. I joke, but it’s true. It’s not exactly the relaxing sort of vacation one really needs, but a vacation it is and we are so fortunate to be able to do this every year.
I do have to say that vacations with a large family feel sort of like a Chevy Chase vacation. Everything feels sort of chaotic and such a mess and a cluster just trying to do anything at all, all together and timely. No one magically behaves or gets along just because we happen to be on vacation. It’s a comedy of errors, for sure.
We have certain things we do every year that are tradition: feeding the fish in the huge pond in the golf course just outside our door, feeding the squirrels that are super friendly and hang out on our deck, feeding the local family of ducks, visiting the craft fair that is the first Saturday in August and always falls on our weeek down here, of course the beach and the boardwalk, and the rides at the end of the boardwalk.
Oh, the rides. This is one part of vacation that I really hate. The boardwalk rides have been there forever. There is a huge semi-enclosed space of all the kiddie rides, and it is loud, and hot, and feels very germy and dirty to me. We started going many years ago, and the kids love it, but it’s al just too much for me. I hate being hot. I hate being in that kind of a crowd. I hate leaving feeling way over-stimulated. I used to love amusement parks, but now I can’t even tolerate a merry-go-round. Thankfully, my husband has some weird attachment to the rides at the end of the boardwalk and decided a couple years ago that I didn’t have to go with them anymore. I don’t even feel bad about it, because I literally do every other thing they ever want to do, but it’s my vacation too. And lest anyone thing I get off easy, it just means I’m available to cook dinner so it’s ready when everyone else gets back home!
I do have to say that vacations with a large family feel sort of like a Chevy Chase vacation. Everything feels sort of chaotic and such a mess and a cluster just trying to do anything at all, all together and timely. No one magically behaves or gets along just because we happen to be on vacation. It’s a comedy of errors, for sure.
We have certain things we do every year that are tradition: feeding the fish in the huge pond in the golf course just outside our door, feeding the squirrels that are super friendly and hang out on our deck, feeding the local family of ducks, visiting the craft fair that is the first Saturday in August and always falls on our weeek down here, of course the beach and the boardwalk, and the rides at the end of the boardwalk.
Oh, the rides. This is one part of vacation that I really hate. The boardwalk rides have been there forever. There is a huge semi-enclosed space of all the kiddie rides, and it is loud, and hot, and feels very germy and dirty to me. We started going many years ago, and the kids love it, but it’s al just too much for me. I hate being hot. I hate being in that kind of a crowd. I hate leaving feeling way over-stimulated. I used to love amusement parks, but now I can’t even tolerate a merry-go-round. Thankfully, my husband has some weird attachment to the rides at the end of the boardwalk and decided a couple years ago that I didn’t have to go with them anymore. I don’t even feel bad about it, because I literally do every other thing they ever want to do, but it’s my vacation too. And lest anyone thing I get off easy, it just means I’m available to cook dinner so it’s ready when everyone else gets back home!
Monday, July 30, 2018
Splitting the bill
I recently had a conversation with my teen about etiquette and being a good friend vs being taken advantage of. When her and her friends go out, I noticed she was paying the whole amount on her bank card, so I wanted to ask. At first she was saying that everyone would give her cash and she just used her card “to make it easier”, but then after talking more found out that one girl in particular would always order way more than she had cash to pay, and then act like she had no idea when the check came. I told her she must put a stop to this because that isn’t fair, and if it was one time ok, but if it happened every time she needed to talk to this friend.
Whenever my friends and I go out, we usually all tally up our portion and pay separately. Actually for years when 3 of my high school friends would go out, one girl would get the check and do the math for us so we would know what we owed, and then write charge amounts and last digits of credit card numbers on the check so the server could run correct amounts for us. Nowadays, I have one friend likes to use her rewards card so I will give her the cash if I have it and she will pay, but I always cover my share and tip. Another friend and I will sometimes take turns paying the check because it’s always about the same amount and it’s nice to rotate. It’s nice to know that the next time you go out, you don’t have to worry about it. And if I have the extra money, I like to offer to pay, knowing they will have my back next time.
We do that at work, too. We have a “breakfast club” on Saturdays and somewhere along the line someone offered to treat everyone and it started a rotation quite naturally. Even though we sometimes have extra or different people who work each weekend, we include everyone and always keep the rotation going. (And we eat in the cafeteria so it’s not that expensive even if it’s 6 people). It’s cool because sometimes someone you bought breakfast for once happens to be working again, they always offer to pay, so no one takes advantage and it’s nice to be able to make someone’s morning. We never argue over who’s turn it is, everyone just sort of knows if it’s been a while since they paid that it’s their turn.
We do that at work, too. We have a “breakfast club” on Saturdays and somewhere along the line someone offered to treat everyone and it started a rotation quite naturally. Even though we sometimes have extra or different people who work each weekend, we include everyone and always keep the rotation going. (And we eat in the cafeteria so it’s not that expensive even if it’s 6 people). It’s cool because sometimes someone you bought breakfast for once happens to be working again, they always offer to pay, so no one takes advantage and it’s nice to be able to make someone’s morning. We never argue over who’s turn it is, everyone just sort of knows if it’s been a while since they paid that it’s their turn.
A couple weeks ago 2 of my coworker friends and I got together for our July birthdays. One of the girls and I have been very close for over a decade and have gone out together before and we each pay our way. Well, this time when the check came this other girl said “Do you want to just split the bill 3 ways? That’s what I like to do”. Which makes sense on the surface. But. I was the only one who didn’t order alcohol, and the one girl had 2 alcoholic drinks, meaning our share wasn’t equal. I chose not to speak up because 1) I work with these people and didn’t want to make a situation awkward 2.) we were celebrating our birthdays, and I wanted to keep it about celebrating each other 3) It wasn’t so much about the money as it was the principle of the idea that splitting 3 ways doesn’t always make sense. 4) It wasn’t an expensive place so it wasn’t that much more money for me to spend. I guess I was immediately conscious of the fact that I didn’t spend as much and was annoyed that she didn’t seem to notice that, but then she did bring a birthday cake for us all and had me take the leftovers home, so how could I really stay mad for long? But I will definitely know that is how this other girl rolls when the check comes if we happen to go out outside of work again.
I did have one awkward experience with a check once. When we moved I used an old realtor friend, and we met for lunch a couple times during the process. She had paid the first time (business expense) but the second time I felt like I should/wanted to pay. She mentioned that the next time we went out it would be her turn to pay, that she owed me lunch. Several weeks later (and about a week before I went on maternity leave) she invited me out again and said she was bringing a girl we used to work with during our waitressing gig (someone who I wasn’t ever super close with or even kept in touch with, but the two of them were/did). I met them thinking it wasn’t my turn to pay (and didn’t have money budgeted to go because of maternity leave). Not only was the meal awkward and un-fun (I had my toddler who decided to not want to behave or eat or otherwise cooperate, and other girl had the most well behaved 1 year old ever) but the food was awful and the whole experience was odd because I really didn’t know this person (She kept talking about someone named Andy and I commented about her stepson and Andy ended up being her brother who they swear I know but I swear I don’t, and I for some reason though the guy she married had a kid) Anyway, the bill came and I didn’t move to pay, and it got weird with this other person looking at me oddly, my friend getting ready to pay, and the other girl fumbling around still looking at me weirdly and saying that our friend shouldn’t pay because it was her birthday the next day (Again, I’m not on Facebook and so I wouldn’t know birthdays like that and also, super pregnant, brain not working to catch the awkward) and so the two of them ended up splitting the check. It wasn’t until I thought about it later I realized how bad I must have looked to this other person, who probably had no idea the other girl had said she would pay next time. And maybe I should have waited to cash in on that when it was just the two of us and not some third person, but again Baby Brain. Anyway, months later when we were going to all 3 get together again I wrote in the group text chain “and I’m pretty sure I owe you all lunch this time” to kind of make up for that and acknowledge that I’m not a cheap ass. We never did end up geting together, but at least I sort of redeemed myself.
How do you work the bill when you go out?
Monday, July 23, 2018
that’s a wrap
The last time I wrote I eluded**to the fact that we had something pretty major and stressful going on in our lives. We have been through parental illness and loss, our marriage crumbling, job loss and financial ruins, and infertility and pregnancy loss,. What we are going through right now feels right up there with all of that; a scary path I have not navigated before. The stakes feel very high...worst case scenario this puts us back in to financial ruin or close to it. I am trying not to live that scenario, though. But I am living in near constant anxiety and limbo.
This situation has forced us to go back in time...to revisit a time and place where things were at their worst for us, where we were trying to pick up the pieces, we were just trying to survive, quite literally. My PTSD has returned. I feel like my summer has been ruined. It has also forced us to reach out to people from our past as witnesses, some of whom we didn’t ever even have that close of relationships with but still infrequently talk to. Everyone has been so wonderful to us, pledging to help in any way they can, showing genuine shock and outrage at what has transpired. We aren’t a perfect family, by any means, but we try to be good church going people and teach our kids the same.
Given the outpouring of support we received from those people we didn’t even know for that long or weren’t even that close to or that would be described as more than “friendly neighbors”, it has been truly shocking the response, or lack thereof, from my former best friend. There is a possibility of a need to involve her as a witness, and I didn’t want her blindsided with legal paperwork if it comes to that, so I sent her a brief text letting her know what has transpired. She only offered an “ok” back. No concern about why this was happening or even how we were doing with all of it. Not a thing.
Now, I realize we aren’t on the best of terms. But even given that, if the roles were reversed I would most definitely have more to say that just “ok”. I don’t know. I just feel like I wouldn’t be that way to anyone reaching out, no matter what. I mean, if someone was asking for something out of the blue, like money, I may have pause. But to not even care?? And the outcome directly affects her GODCHILD, whom she is close to. Life happens, people drift apart. But the beauty of all of that is knowing that when the chips are down you can reach out. I dunno...I guess I just thought there might be some moral support on the other side, as I have her when she was dealing with some health issues she didn’t understand. But it would appear that that is not the case, and that there really isn’t anything left there. Which makes me a little sad, because out of all the people that I have known, this is the only person where things have been so...finite.
If you are the praying sort, I could definitely use some, for a quick resolution to all of this but also for some peace of heart for me. I am finding it very hard to remain calm through all of this and still properly take care of myself and my family.
***If anyone is genuinely curious, I don’t mind sharing privately what is going on, feel free to email me or leave a comment with yours. Because of the legal nature of this, I do not want to publish details on my blog, even though I am somewhat anonymous.
Monday, July 9, 2018
18 and 40
It’s been a momentous week. I turned 40 years old and 4 days later we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s kind of heavy stuff.
The overall happiness had been dampened a bit by some pretty stressful stuff. It’s not been a fun couple of weeks, and I have been determined to not let it steal my joy. But it really makes this week come full circle in that the challenges we face never seem to let up for long. In 18 years, there isn’t much we haven’t been faced with. Still, I have had a near-constant pit in my stomach for the past 2 weeks. My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. It’s just kind of sucked.
But I want to reflect on my 40 years...I have both done better than I ever probably thought I would, and also feel like a complete failure and that I am faking the hell out of this whole being an adult thing. I don’t feel like I have lived 40 years, but when I look back I feel like I have been alive forever. My body likes to remind me I am 40 on a daily basis, most notably how badly not getting sleep affects my ability to function...I just can’t do what I could even a few years ago on very little sleep. I have thought a lot about relationships that have come and gone, and of people in my life whom I miss terribly, either by death or distance, and wishing there was some sort of portal with which to travel to be close to them again. Turning 40 has made me think a lot about my legacy and what impact I will one day leave behind. I hope I have been a good enough mom to have raised great kids who will hopefully have some of my grit...I hope I have given them just enough tough, fierce love for it to help and not hinder them. I always hope I haven’t royally screwed up my kids by being too much of one thing and not enough of something else. I guess maybe that is normal? Maybe it’s silly, but I hope my kids continue to recycle long after I am gone, and have a heart to take in all the stray dogs. I don’t need to leave a lasting impact on the world, I only care about the impact I have left on my kids. I hope they are proud of the mother I have been to them, even if I am not always proud of myself. I hope they learn something from me for all the times I have had to admit to them that I could have done better.
18 years of marriage is crazy to me. I have almost been with my husband for half of my life. In so many ways that he will probably never even know, he saved me. I wasn’t looking for some knight in shining armor to rescue me, but I can see now that he did. I am not the most gentle or most romantic wife around, I will totally own that. Somehow he loves me anyway. We have had our share of heartaches, both personal and together and some were definitely self-inflicted. We managed to defy all the odds mostly because neither of us saw any other way. Being together so long has been a blessing. It turns out that if you stay together long enough you stop trying to change the other person to be the way you think you need them to be, and you start letting them just be themselves, that’s when you find out that is the exact person you really need. The longer we are married and the older I get, I realize I really only want and need to spend time with him. Maybe it’s because se we don’t really get a lot of alone time, down time together right now. Maybe it’s because we are both homebodies who don’t feel the need to go and be out. We are on the same page about giving our little kids a good schedule and lots of stability and not dragging them all over the place just so we can have a life. As unpopular as our decisions can be sometimes with regards to having to say no to a lot of things and other people not understanding, we get it and don’t even worry about it, as long as we stick together. I have learned that he and I are better together. We have definitely had things happen in our lives where we just didn’t lean on each other as we should have, and it was much more difficult than when we kind of say us against the world and just seek solace in each other. He still makes me laugh, often at myself, but I am still laughing. Sometimes I feel like if I wasn’t laughing I would be crying. I am really glad that we always chose each other and chose to stick it out (sometimes it was only for necessity I swear) because the rewards come from getting past all of that and getting to be in this place together where the love is strong and we know we can make it through whatever life throws our way. This guy I married 18 years ago...he might not always get me, but he definitely accepts me for all the kooky and crazy that I am. We have a house full of love and so much love between us. I am so glad for all the things that had to aline in order for us to meet and get us where we are today.
This post was written for MicroBlog Monday over at Stirrup-queens.com
The overall happiness had been dampened a bit by some pretty stressful stuff. It’s not been a fun couple of weeks, and I have been determined to not let it steal my joy. But it really makes this week come full circle in that the challenges we face never seem to let up for long. In 18 years, there isn’t much we haven’t been faced with. Still, I have had a near-constant pit in my stomach for the past 2 weeks. My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. It’s just kind of sucked.
But I want to reflect on my 40 years...I have both done better than I ever probably thought I would, and also feel like a complete failure and that I am faking the hell out of this whole being an adult thing. I don’t feel like I have lived 40 years, but when I look back I feel like I have been alive forever. My body likes to remind me I am 40 on a daily basis, most notably how badly not getting sleep affects my ability to function...I just can’t do what I could even a few years ago on very little sleep. I have thought a lot about relationships that have come and gone, and of people in my life whom I miss terribly, either by death or distance, and wishing there was some sort of portal with which to travel to be close to them again. Turning 40 has made me think a lot about my legacy and what impact I will one day leave behind. I hope I have been a good enough mom to have raised great kids who will hopefully have some of my grit...I hope I have given them just enough tough, fierce love for it to help and not hinder them. I always hope I haven’t royally screwed up my kids by being too much of one thing and not enough of something else. I guess maybe that is normal? Maybe it’s silly, but I hope my kids continue to recycle long after I am gone, and have a heart to take in all the stray dogs. I don’t need to leave a lasting impact on the world, I only care about the impact I have left on my kids. I hope they are proud of the mother I have been to them, even if I am not always proud of myself. I hope they learn something from me for all the times I have had to admit to them that I could have done better.
18 years of marriage is crazy to me. I have almost been with my husband for half of my life. In so many ways that he will probably never even know, he saved me. I wasn’t looking for some knight in shining armor to rescue me, but I can see now that he did. I am not the most gentle or most romantic wife around, I will totally own that. Somehow he loves me anyway. We have had our share of heartaches, both personal and together and some were definitely self-inflicted. We managed to defy all the odds mostly because neither of us saw any other way. Being together so long has been a blessing. It turns out that if you stay together long enough you stop trying to change the other person to be the way you think you need them to be, and you start letting them just be themselves, that’s when you find out that is the exact person you really need. The longer we are married and the older I get, I realize I really only want and need to spend time with him. Maybe it’s because se we don’t really get a lot of alone time, down time together right now. Maybe it’s because we are both homebodies who don’t feel the need to go and be out. We are on the same page about giving our little kids a good schedule and lots of stability and not dragging them all over the place just so we can have a life. As unpopular as our decisions can be sometimes with regards to having to say no to a lot of things and other people not understanding, we get it and don’t even worry about it, as long as we stick together. I have learned that he and I are better together. We have definitely had things happen in our lives where we just didn’t lean on each other as we should have, and it was much more difficult than when we kind of say us against the world and just seek solace in each other. He still makes me laugh, often at myself, but I am still laughing. Sometimes I feel like if I wasn’t laughing I would be crying. I am really glad that we always chose each other and chose to stick it out (sometimes it was only for necessity I swear) because the rewards come from getting past all of that and getting to be in this place together where the love is strong and we know we can make it through whatever life throws our way. This guy I married 18 years ago...he might not always get me, but he definitely accepts me for all the kooky and crazy that I am. We have a house full of love and so much love between us. I am so glad for all the things that had to aline in order for us to meet and get us where we are today.
This post was written for MicroBlog Monday over at Stirrup-queens.com
Monday, June 25, 2018
The Reunion
Let me preface this by saying I normally hate reunions and don’t ever even consider attending them. My feeling on them generally is that the people that matter I keep up with, and the rest of them I don’t have much in common with. If I didn’t like them then, I’m probably not going to like them now. It just feels ingenuine to bond over an experience where we went to school together because that is where our parents sent us but our experiences were completely different. (Family reunions aren’t included in this, they are an entire other mixed bag.) This reunion experience was different, and no matter what else has happened in our lives we still have the same career we all chose, so that bonds us.
So I ended up going to that retirement party “reunion” after all. I was going to try and tag along with a current co-worker/friend who also works at that other hospital, but he couldn’t go at the last minute so I almost bailed. But I had purchased a card and had the plans in place for me to go, so I decided I should just man up and go. I was actually pretty scared going into it, with my stomach in knots. I shouldn’t have been, though.
It was a nice day, so the party was on the outdoor deck area of a seafood place on the water, and walking out there it was like going home after a long time away. Everyone looked exactly the same, only older, but not 20 years older. The last time I saw most of these people I was still a bratty not-quite-teenager, or as a relatively young and inexperienced new mom. 20 years of world experience and 5 kids under my belt tends to change people’s perception of you, although because of the latter I am still labeled “crazy”. Through my sister and her Facebook, the page I kept briefly many years ago, and word of mouth through common coworkers, most people were aware of my married mom of 5 status, vs the “wild child” reputation I once held when we all shared a common workplace, so it wasn’t surprising or a shock. I mean, everyone eventually has to grow up (unless you’re Johnny Depp) Speaking of Johnny, have you read the new article on him in Rolling Stone? It’s published on their website, it’s a totally great read, although so, so sad.
But I digress.
I am happy to report that none of the people I wouldn’t have wanted to run into (and who wouldn’t have wanted to see me) were not there, at least not during the time that I was. And everyone seems to have found a relative settled-ness and are happy...20 years ago, even 10 years ago for some, there was some unhappiness and definitely some very difficult things some were facing (myself included.) Everyone is still working in the field in some capacity, which speaks a lot about those that love what we do. It’s a really fascinating and evolving field, and there are so many options within.
Let me stop the story for a second and just say what a mindfuck 20 years is...all the people in our lives that didn’t exist in this world 20 years ago but now do...and all the people in our lives that existed 20 years ago, that no longer do.
We shared lots of hugs, great stories new and old, caught up about people we knew who didn’t make it to the party, caught up about everyone’s kids and grandkids and spouses and siblings, and mourned for the few of us who have passed away in the years since. It was as if 20 years had passed but also as if it was yesterday and no time at all had gone by. Most importantly, I got to go to show support and congratulations to a woman who is one of a kind. Who was the greatest first Chief anyone could ever have. Whose stern-looking demeanor is a front for the absolute teddy bear she is underneath. Whose office door has always been open for staff to come in at any time to say hi, grab a piece of candy, chitchat, pour their heart out. A boss who you never had to worry about looking busy around when she walked through the department. She always trusted us to get the work done, and in turn everyone respected her and did. She allowed us students and staff alike room to goof off and play urinal bowling and have water battles with syringes in the back hallway as long as we cleaned up our mess, and on a very slow day when she opened our workroom door and found all of us listening to music and playing a 10-person deep game of Bop It, joined right in. There just isn’t anyone like her. She cared about us all so much.
I am so very glad I went. While it was so long ago that I was with all these people on a daily basis, and for just a fraction of time really, these people helped shape me into a tiny part of what I am today. They taught me how to do all the things I needed so I could learn my craft, taught me to always (keep) thinking outside the box, were (mostly) patient with me when I was still making stupid personal teenage mistakes, partied with us and celebrated/mourned breakups and heartaches and engagements and kids and lost loved ones and everything in between. Where my love of Kevin Smith grew into an obsession by being given a VHS copy of Chasing Amy (thst changed my life and gave me a deep understanding of relationships, and characters I identified with so wholly) by someone who went on and on about the genius of this man, and whose entire body of work I now know by heart and has provided us with years of deep discussions on the meaning of love and life with my husband. They were important to me during an important time in my life, when personal and professional lives were so intricately weaved together.
I was so afraid to go, and I never should have been. You really can go home again.
So I ended up going to that retirement party “reunion” after all. I was going to try and tag along with a current co-worker/friend who also works at that other hospital, but he couldn’t go at the last minute so I almost bailed. But I had purchased a card and had the plans in place for me to go, so I decided I should just man up and go. I was actually pretty scared going into it, with my stomach in knots. I shouldn’t have been, though.
It was a nice day, so the party was on the outdoor deck area of a seafood place on the water, and walking out there it was like going home after a long time away. Everyone looked exactly the same, only older, but not 20 years older. The last time I saw most of these people I was still a bratty not-quite-teenager, or as a relatively young and inexperienced new mom. 20 years of world experience and 5 kids under my belt tends to change people’s perception of you, although because of the latter I am still labeled “crazy”. Through my sister and her Facebook, the page I kept briefly many years ago, and word of mouth through common coworkers, most people were aware of my married mom of 5 status, vs the “wild child” reputation I once held when we all shared a common workplace, so it wasn’t surprising or a shock. I mean, everyone eventually has to grow up (unless you’re Johnny Depp) Speaking of Johnny, have you read the new article on him in Rolling Stone? It’s published on their website, it’s a totally great read, although so, so sad.
But I digress.
I am happy to report that none of the people I wouldn’t have wanted to run into (and who wouldn’t have wanted to see me) were not there, at least not during the time that I was. And everyone seems to have found a relative settled-ness and are happy...20 years ago, even 10 years ago for some, there was some unhappiness and definitely some very difficult things some were facing (myself included.) Everyone is still working in the field in some capacity, which speaks a lot about those that love what we do. It’s a really fascinating and evolving field, and there are so many options within.
Let me stop the story for a second and just say what a mindfuck 20 years is...all the people in our lives that didn’t exist in this world 20 years ago but now do...and all the people in our lives that existed 20 years ago, that no longer do.
We shared lots of hugs, great stories new and old, caught up about people we knew who didn’t make it to the party, caught up about everyone’s kids and grandkids and spouses and siblings, and mourned for the few of us who have passed away in the years since. It was as if 20 years had passed but also as if it was yesterday and no time at all had gone by. Most importantly, I got to go to show support and congratulations to a woman who is one of a kind. Who was the greatest first Chief anyone could ever have. Whose stern-looking demeanor is a front for the absolute teddy bear she is underneath. Whose office door has always been open for staff to come in at any time to say hi, grab a piece of candy, chitchat, pour their heart out. A boss who you never had to worry about looking busy around when she walked through the department. She always trusted us to get the work done, and in turn everyone respected her and did. She allowed us students and staff alike room to goof off and play urinal bowling and have water battles with syringes in the back hallway as long as we cleaned up our mess, and on a very slow day when she opened our workroom door and found all of us listening to music and playing a 10-person deep game of Bop It, joined right in. There just isn’t anyone like her. She cared about us all so much.
I am so very glad I went. While it was so long ago that I was with all these people on a daily basis, and for just a fraction of time really, these people helped shape me into a tiny part of what I am today. They taught me how to do all the things I needed so I could learn my craft, taught me to always (keep) thinking outside the box, were (mostly) patient with me when I was still making stupid personal teenage mistakes, partied with us and celebrated/mourned breakups and heartaches and engagements and kids and lost loved ones and everything in between. Where my love of Kevin Smith grew into an obsession by being given a VHS copy of Chasing Amy (thst changed my life and gave me a deep understanding of relationships, and characters I identified with so wholly) by someone who went on and on about the genius of this man, and whose entire body of work I now know by heart and has provided us with years of deep discussions on the meaning of love and life with my husband. They were important to me during an important time in my life, when personal and professional lives were so intricately weaved together.
I was so afraid to go, and I never should have been. You really can go home again.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
An update in bullets
It’s been a while since I did one of these, and I have lots of news, so here we go!
•I am down 23lbs since starting my new thing. The scale is still steadily moving down, and when it doesn’t I know how to fix it. Still feeling happy and satisfied and not deprived, still not doing any workouts.
•We got in to the pre-k program at our local high school. This is the one where the instruction is done by the students in the Early Childhood Education completer program. Super excited because it’s close, and super affordable. I was under the impression we wouldn’t find out until the end of summer so getting that Welcome email was a nice surprise, and checks one thing off of our list.
•Speaking of my 4 year old, he is just finishing his first week at vacation bible school at the church by our house. He has done great, and had no problem with me leaving him there for the morning. I picked out one of the middle school kids who were helping in the Pre-K group, and he has stuck by her side all week. Funny enough, she was in my middle daughter’s class this past year but we didn’t know her prior. He does a week of afternoon VBS at our other church where we used to live next week.
•The school year ended and the kids all had a great year in their new schools. The first week of summer has been weird weather, but overall not too bad. The oldest is on a retreat for prep for her Summer Vocational Volunteering.
•We ended up getting a “new” car. I didn’t really want to do that and add that expense but we didn’t have much choice. The other vehicle I drive to work is on its last legs and has too many major, costly issues to try and fix. The registration is up on it at the end of this month so we will be junking it for some cash, as there was no trade in value due to its age and issues.
•My teen has her first real boyfriend. She met him through youth group, and I know he comes from a good, involved family. We have been having a lot of talks about sex and responsiblity and trust. I told her I will raise a responsible human even if it kills me. (Sometimes I think it might.)
•I have been taking a bunch of supplements to try and naturally regulate some hormonal imbalances for a few weeks now. So far I am not sure how to tell if they are working. I was trying to go by my cycles, but every month they are slightly different so I am not sure. I had to pay for the testing out of pocket because it was an out of state lab, so I think I should probably wait at least 6 months to recheck...? Overall I feel better but I have also lost some weight, so it could just be that.
•I am down almost 2 scrub sizes so that is awesome. So far one person noticed, but I am being very low-key about it. It makes me very uncomfortable to talk about.
•Lots of exciting things coming up soon...next week we have an aquarium member night, which is always so fun. They hold them once a month but during the school year it’s hard to get to because of the hours. We usually take turns going because not everyone always wants (or is in good shape) to go, but it’s my turn and I will be taking 1-5 of the kids.
•My 40th Birthday is the week after that. What an odd milestone. We aren’t doing anything big because that’s not me but also, just another day. 4th of July the girls and I will go see fireworks, the boys don’t like to go. The day after we have an overnight trip for a concert in a nearby-ish city. 2 days after that is our 19th anniversary, so we have a dinner date planned. We don’t go too fancy, but definitely somewhere where we wouldn’t go with the kids. Looking forward to that treat meal and couple hours alone.
•Decisions on anymore family building has been put on hold. I have just tabled that for now. The truth is I am happy, but I am open to more, but I’m not getting younger. But it’s too emotional to delve into and I decided that I don't need to make any decisions. That instead of worrying what will happen, I am just going to live life and see what happens in the next couple of years. After that, well, I don’t know, but that’s a discussion for a different time.
•Work is good. I have the greatest extended family there, people who are so accepting of me just the way I am, and who don’t put expectations on me that I can’t meet (in a personal sense, not professional-I rock at my job) and I am so lucky I have that to go to. Even the people who are living a totally different life than me, we still have great relationships and I feel supported and understood, and I am able to give that back.
•When I am not in the terrible mindset that is PMD I realize I am actually very happy in my life. It’s very messy and chaotic and a constant balancing act, and I am always faking it til I make it. But I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
•I am down 23lbs since starting my new thing. The scale is still steadily moving down, and when it doesn’t I know how to fix it. Still feeling happy and satisfied and not deprived, still not doing any workouts.
•We got in to the pre-k program at our local high school. This is the one where the instruction is done by the students in the Early Childhood Education completer program. Super excited because it’s close, and super affordable. I was under the impression we wouldn’t find out until the end of summer so getting that Welcome email was a nice surprise, and checks one thing off of our list.
•Speaking of my 4 year old, he is just finishing his first week at vacation bible school at the church by our house. He has done great, and had no problem with me leaving him there for the morning. I picked out one of the middle school kids who were helping in the Pre-K group, and he has stuck by her side all week. Funny enough, she was in my middle daughter’s class this past year but we didn’t know her prior. He does a week of afternoon VBS at our other church where we used to live next week.
•The school year ended and the kids all had a great year in their new schools. The first week of summer has been weird weather, but overall not too bad. The oldest is on a retreat for prep for her Summer Vocational Volunteering.
•We ended up getting a “new” car. I didn’t really want to do that and add that expense but we didn’t have much choice. The other vehicle I drive to work is on its last legs and has too many major, costly issues to try and fix. The registration is up on it at the end of this month so we will be junking it for some cash, as there was no trade in value due to its age and issues.
•My teen has her first real boyfriend. She met him through youth group, and I know he comes from a good, involved family. We have been having a lot of talks about sex and responsiblity and trust. I told her I will raise a responsible human even if it kills me. (Sometimes I think it might.)
•I have been taking a bunch of supplements to try and naturally regulate some hormonal imbalances for a few weeks now. So far I am not sure how to tell if they are working. I was trying to go by my cycles, but every month they are slightly different so I am not sure. I had to pay for the testing out of pocket because it was an out of state lab, so I think I should probably wait at least 6 months to recheck...? Overall I feel better but I have also lost some weight, so it could just be that.
•I am down almost 2 scrub sizes so that is awesome. So far one person noticed, but I am being very low-key about it. It makes me very uncomfortable to talk about.
•Lots of exciting things coming up soon...next week we have an aquarium member night, which is always so fun. They hold them once a month but during the school year it’s hard to get to because of the hours. We usually take turns going because not everyone always wants (or is in good shape) to go, but it’s my turn and I will be taking 1-5 of the kids.
•My 40th Birthday is the week after that. What an odd milestone. We aren’t doing anything big because that’s not me but also, just another day. 4th of July the girls and I will go see fireworks, the boys don’t like to go. The day after we have an overnight trip for a concert in a nearby-ish city. 2 days after that is our 19th anniversary, so we have a dinner date planned. We don’t go too fancy, but definitely somewhere where we wouldn’t go with the kids. Looking forward to that treat meal and couple hours alone.
•Decisions on anymore family building has been put on hold. I have just tabled that for now. The truth is I am happy, but I am open to more, but I’m not getting younger. But it’s too emotional to delve into and I decided that I don't need to make any decisions. That instead of worrying what will happen, I am just going to live life and see what happens in the next couple of years. After that, well, I don’t know, but that’s a discussion for a different time.
•Work is good. I have the greatest extended family there, people who are so accepting of me just the way I am, and who don’t put expectations on me that I can’t meet (in a personal sense, not professional-I rock at my job) and I am so lucky I have that to go to. Even the people who are living a totally different life than me, we still have great relationships and I feel supported and understood, and I am able to give that back.
•When I am not in the terrible mindset that is PMD I realize I am actually very happy in my life. It’s very messy and chaotic and a constant balancing act, and I am always faking it til I make it. But I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)