Something hasn't felt right all week. I haven't felt right all week. Sure, the kids have all been home for a week straight now due to the 3.5 feet of snow we got last weekend, and I hit the 12 weeks post-pardum so my hormones are all over the map, and I am set to go back to work in a couple of days. I have been struggling all week trying to keep my emotions in check with varied success.
This time of year is always hard for me. The post-holiday let down combined with cold dark days always does a number on my moods. I have found it particularly challenging this year with a toddler and a new baby plus the older 3. I definitely am barely holding my life together most days.
A couple weeks ago my middle daughter came home very excited with a paper for the talent show tryouts at school and the fun skit her and her friends had written for it. I sat staring at the paper that night and was transported back 5 years. The day of the talent show my oldest was to be in. I had to put my beloved baby dog to sleep that day, very suddenly. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in all my life. My husband had to meet me at the vet because I just couldn't deal with it alone. That sweet little dog was a shelter rescue and the most perfect creature alive. She slept curled under my chest every night and her soft white fur held rivers of my tears over the years. We had to pick up my daughter from school, bury my dog in my mom's backyard where my father had a crucifix on the ground marking where other pets had been buried. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball in bed, but we headed out to the talent show. The next day I found out I was pregnant. I thought it was a sign or something...you know a new life replacing one that was lost, even though she wasn't human I loved her as if she were. A few weeks later that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My second one that year. Every year when the talent show comes around, I remember all over again. I wish I could forget.
Tonight I was out and happened to be checking email. In my spam folder was an email for a local bounce house place offering a discount, sent a day ago. Was it still valid? I noticed the date. My heart started racing. January 28. January 28. My mind raced and my stomach dropped. 8 years ago today my dad died. I almost forgot. How did I not notice the date all day I wondered.
When I got home I checked the calendar. There covering 3 squares was a pink post-it note. It read "January 27 Talent show practice after school from 3-4". My middle daughter being who she is knows I don't like anyone writing on my calendar but me. (My oldest is famous for writing big and taking up the entire block of space). I pulled the post it note off and there the date was on a completely blank square: 28. I backed up and leaned against the counter and stared at the date in that blank square and the tears started to fall. As much as I want to forget I force myself to remember just so I won't forget details of that day. If I forget the details I am forgetting him, and that scares me. He was the single most important person in my life to me. No one else has ever come close really. To me, he was perfect. When I lost him, I lost myself for a while. No wonder I felt the way I have felt all week.
I almost forgot. But my heart remembered. It always does, and I always want it to. Even though it hurts.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Scattered
There are so many posts in my head that I can't ever seem to find time to type out. Life is moving at record speed and I am struggling to keep up. When I finally have some time to sit down and write, I am stuck. Everything in my head seems either trivial or I can't remember what I wanted to say. So in leu of anything super introspective or meaningful, I am going to do a recap of life lately. I haven't done one of these in a while anyway.
The holiday season was wonderful, if not a little crazy and weird. I guess that's what happens when you add a newborn to the fold. I managed to get what I wanted accomplished as far as wrapping and baking. But it all get so rushed. I would love to find a way to be truly able to sit and enjoy all the little moments during my favorite time of year.
Breastfeeding really makes everything take a backseat and truly makes you slow down and literally just sit. It is truly a lesson in what's important, that's for sure, and a lesson in patience for everyone else in the house.
10,000 steps is a way harder goal to get to than I ever thought. All the sitting for feedings and playing with my toddler really makes my step-taking take a hit. I end up pacing around my houe or back deck frantically after the little ones are in bed trying to get my steps in...sometimes as many as 5 thousand! I suspect that this will be a much easier goal to reach when we aren't so confined by the cold weather in a couple months. At least I learned about how long it will take me to make up the steps, and that it's doable in a reasonable amount of time so I don't just give up for the day.
All the walking made me realize I desperately needed new tennis shoes. So I ordered my favorite brand in the usual size and I am having trouble getting them to fit and feel right. When my order comes today I will officially have the same shoe in 4 different sizes to test and see what works best. I don't really think my foot changed much because I have several shoes in my normal size by this company that still fit completely fine they are just worn out. So I don't know. But I can't have my feet uncomfortable or hurting, especially for work.
My husband and I pretty quickly worked out our issue regarding that great divide I wrote about a few weeks ago. He settled down and we got on the same page and came to a mutual understanding that We can both live with. How it actually plays out in the extended family dynamic remains to be seen, but as long as he is on my side of things, which he is, I can't really worry about the rest of it. They are our kids and our responsibility and that's teally the bottom line.
I am still on maternity leave. My doctor wouldn't clear me for work until the end 12 weeks, which is what he was saying all along, due to the nature and requirements of my job. Over the holidays it was touch and go about whether I would be paid the additional time off as it falls under disability. The actual company that handles the claims actually denied the request despite notes in my chart saying I needed the 4 additional weeks, but my employer choose to override the decision without me having to argue them or file an appeal. It's still only partial pay but at least it covers all my benefit deductions so I don't have to worry about repaying that once I return to work. I could do an entire post on the ridiculousness of the entire situation of having a baby surgically removed from ones body and having to jump through a million hoops to prove you are still recovering from the procedure.
I am at a point where I am mentally ready to go back to work, I think. I don't want to leave my baby, and I am not looking forward to all the pumping and scheduling my work day around pumping, but it's time for everyone to get back to their regular schedules. I have always worked weekends, for 16 years now. The schedule my husband and I have figured out works for our family with still leaving plenty of family time. It was novel having the entire holiday season with every weekend open, even though we didn't fit in as much extra stuff as I thought we would due to sickness and babies and everything in between. I had grand ideas of what my leave would be like, and of course it was and it wasn't. I did finally finish all the things that were on my to-do list I wanted to complete BEFORE the baby came, so that's something. But the truth is my husband and I don't work well together. We actually clash over how we approach projects, and life, really. Too much togetherness isn't great for us. And that is starting to become where we are now. So yeah. Work.
The two Ts in my house are causing all the trouble. The Toddler is a horrific sleeper (he pretty much has never been a great sleeper EVER yet, despite every damn tip and trick I have ever heard of that we have tried) so it's pretty much a crap shoot how the night is going to go. My husband has been taking the night shift with him, since I have the baby to handle. Plus the Toddler will soon be 2, so he's at THAT AGE. The Teenager is just another thing all on her own. Her own time management is causing most of the issues, along with her attitude. She has always been the kid that turns the house upside down, so that's nothing new. But now there are far too many people in the house for her antics to fly without someone losing out. So I pray, a lot more than I ever used to.
Perspective is everything. I have this coworker/"friend" (In quotes because if we were not coworkers in an environment where we needed to get along, I don't think we would be friends.) who gives off this snobby, entitled vibe, but tries so hard to hide it and act like she is not that way. One of those self-absorbed people who always has drama, but tries to disguise it by always saying "I don't really want to tak about it, but..." And almost never asks how you are doing but constantly goes on about themselves. We only text now because we ended up being cycle buddies last year when we were both doing treatments. I think she ended up being 3 days ahead of me, and we both got pregnant. But every time you talked to her it was all worst case scenario she had every single possible remote issue in the book, the entire time. To the point it got ridiculous, and almost self-fulfilling Profecy. Everything from transfer to betas to every week of pregnancy, to delivery, and now the newborn stage. EVERYTHING is harder for her "because I had to do IVF" "Us IVF patients" and "IVF babies". It is SO MUCH DRAMA. Her DAD went with her for her baby's first vaccines because it's JUST SO TERRIBLE. When, in reality, this girl has not had to go through even a bit of what other people go through, and the majority of her drama is so made up on her head. It's really sad. And exhausting. At least when I go back to work I know I will be too busy pumping to have much time for it. Saving me now is the fact that I don't have to really respond to all the crazy drama-filled texts.
Ok. Weird way to end here but laundry needs to be switched and baby is ready to eat.
How has everyone else been? Say hi in the comments and let me know what's new with you.
The holiday season was wonderful, if not a little crazy and weird. I guess that's what happens when you add a newborn to the fold. I managed to get what I wanted accomplished as far as wrapping and baking. But it all get so rushed. I would love to find a way to be truly able to sit and enjoy all the little moments during my favorite time of year.
Breastfeeding really makes everything take a backseat and truly makes you slow down and literally just sit. It is truly a lesson in what's important, that's for sure, and a lesson in patience for everyone else in the house.
10,000 steps is a way harder goal to get to than I ever thought. All the sitting for feedings and playing with my toddler really makes my step-taking take a hit. I end up pacing around my houe or back deck frantically after the little ones are in bed trying to get my steps in...sometimes as many as 5 thousand! I suspect that this will be a much easier goal to reach when we aren't so confined by the cold weather in a couple months. At least I learned about how long it will take me to make up the steps, and that it's doable in a reasonable amount of time so I don't just give up for the day.
All the walking made me realize I desperately needed new tennis shoes. So I ordered my favorite brand in the usual size and I am having trouble getting them to fit and feel right. When my order comes today I will officially have the same shoe in 4 different sizes to test and see what works best. I don't really think my foot changed much because I have several shoes in my normal size by this company that still fit completely fine they are just worn out. So I don't know. But I can't have my feet uncomfortable or hurting, especially for work.
My husband and I pretty quickly worked out our issue regarding that great divide I wrote about a few weeks ago. He settled down and we got on the same page and came to a mutual understanding that We can both live with. How it actually plays out in the extended family dynamic remains to be seen, but as long as he is on my side of things, which he is, I can't really worry about the rest of it. They are our kids and our responsibility and that's teally the bottom line.
I am still on maternity leave. My doctor wouldn't clear me for work until the end 12 weeks, which is what he was saying all along, due to the nature and requirements of my job. Over the holidays it was touch and go about whether I would be paid the additional time off as it falls under disability. The actual company that handles the claims actually denied the request despite notes in my chart saying I needed the 4 additional weeks, but my employer choose to override the decision without me having to argue them or file an appeal. It's still only partial pay but at least it covers all my benefit deductions so I don't have to worry about repaying that once I return to work. I could do an entire post on the ridiculousness of the entire situation of having a baby surgically removed from ones body and having to jump through a million hoops to prove you are still recovering from the procedure.
I am at a point where I am mentally ready to go back to work, I think. I don't want to leave my baby, and I am not looking forward to all the pumping and scheduling my work day around pumping, but it's time for everyone to get back to their regular schedules. I have always worked weekends, for 16 years now. The schedule my husband and I have figured out works for our family with still leaving plenty of family time. It was novel having the entire holiday season with every weekend open, even though we didn't fit in as much extra stuff as I thought we would due to sickness and babies and everything in between. I had grand ideas of what my leave would be like, and of course it was and it wasn't. I did finally finish all the things that were on my to-do list I wanted to complete BEFORE the baby came, so that's something. But the truth is my husband and I don't work well together. We actually clash over how we approach projects, and life, really. Too much togetherness isn't great for us. And that is starting to become where we are now. So yeah. Work.
The two Ts in my house are causing all the trouble. The Toddler is a horrific sleeper (he pretty much has never been a great sleeper EVER yet, despite every damn tip and trick I have ever heard of that we have tried) so it's pretty much a crap shoot how the night is going to go. My husband has been taking the night shift with him, since I have the baby to handle. Plus the Toddler will soon be 2, so he's at THAT AGE. The Teenager is just another thing all on her own. Her own time management is causing most of the issues, along with her attitude. She has always been the kid that turns the house upside down, so that's nothing new. But now there are far too many people in the house for her antics to fly without someone losing out. So I pray, a lot more than I ever used to.
Perspective is everything. I have this coworker/"friend" (In quotes because if we were not coworkers in an environment where we needed to get along, I don't think we would be friends.) who gives off this snobby, entitled vibe, but tries so hard to hide it and act like she is not that way. One of those self-absorbed people who always has drama, but tries to disguise it by always saying "I don't really want to tak about it, but..." And almost never asks how you are doing but constantly goes on about themselves. We only text now because we ended up being cycle buddies last year when we were both doing treatments. I think she ended up being 3 days ahead of me, and we both got pregnant. But every time you talked to her it was all worst case scenario she had every single possible remote issue in the book, the entire time. To the point it got ridiculous, and almost self-fulfilling Profecy. Everything from transfer to betas to every week of pregnancy, to delivery, and now the newborn stage. EVERYTHING is harder for her "because I had to do IVF" "Us IVF patients" and "IVF babies". It is SO MUCH DRAMA. Her DAD went with her for her baby's first vaccines because it's JUST SO TERRIBLE. When, in reality, this girl has not had to go through even a bit of what other people go through, and the majority of her drama is so made up on her head. It's really sad. And exhausting. At least when I go back to work I know I will be too busy pumping to have much time for it. Saving me now is the fact that I don't have to really respond to all the crazy drama-filled texts.
Ok. Weird way to end here but laundry needs to be switched and baby is ready to eat.
How has everyone else been? Say hi in the comments and let me know what's new with you.
Monday, January 4, 2016
MicroBlog Monday-30 Days of Change
I have recently embarked on a new challenge. NOT because it is New Years and I have made some sort of resolution, honestly that's just a coincidence. It's because I am 37, have recently had my 5th baby via my 5th C-section, the baby weight isn't coming off, and I feel generally like crap about my flabby, flubby, completely out of shape body. I feel like my body is wrecked. I don't make any time for myself because I have no time, or the bank account, to join a gym or take a class. The last pedicure I got I had a baby on my boob the entire time.
I have never been skinny. I'm Sicilian. I have a major booty, hips, thighs and boobs. Since puberty. And I am short. I have done All The Things before: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, belonged to a gym, taken Yoga, owned every type of fitness tape out there, low carb diet, ect, ect, ect. Nothing sticks. I hate dieting. I hate working out. Any weight I did manage to ever lose came right back plus some when I went off it/stopped doing it. I love chocolate. I hate running. I never get enough sleep and I make bad choices because I am rushing around or so tired that I stop caring that I am eating leftover Chinese food at 10pm.
So I came across This Book at just the right time when the holidays (Cookies! Pies! Chocolate! Chips! Rolls!) derailed my good eating and I was feeling particularly down. I need something that helps me learn to actually fix all the bad behaviors I have picked up over the years, not do some fad diet or workout that's temporary. Make one Change a day? Build on the one change and make a new change every day for 30 days? That sounded like something I could do. It's manageable. It's based on the idea that Rome wasn't built in a day. I am familiar with the author. She seems...real. She seems sincere. The advice, the changes...it's all broken down very simply. It's not confusing to figure out what to do. It's almost like a plan for dummies, which is me. you don't have to read forever just trying to figure out exactly what you are supposed to do for the day. The first lines of every chapter are exactly what the challenge entails so you know right away what you're supposed to be doing. Then there's a little more helpful information and real-life stories after that. I only try to read a couple chapters ahead so I know what's in store so that I can prepare myself.
I want to lose weight, sure. But more than that, I want to make actual changes that will carry me throughout life. Nothing brought this home more than my teen daughter who recently lost weight. At dinner one night she was saying how she was just going to continue her exercising and eating right until she lost all the weight she wanted then she could stop. I had to explain to her that when she stopped and went back to her old ways she would gain all the weight back. She hadn't even thought about that. I know it all too well and I don't want to go back to this crappy way of taking care of myself.
The first change is to drink water. That's easy enough. The second change is to keep a food log and exchange it with friends to keep yourself honest and to see the changes you might make when someone else is reading Exactly what you are eating. If anyone reading this is interested in joining me in this adventure please comment with your email or send me an email too muchadoaboutnothingblogger@gmail.com and we can exchange food logs. I actually think having relative strangers reading my food log would be helpful because strangers shouldn't feel worried about calling me out if I've eaten half of a large pizza by myself. So if you are out there trying to get healthier and lose weight and you think this might be helpful for you please email me!! There is power, and safety, in numbers.
Since the changes build on each other and until I get to a place where the changes are second nature I am keeping a dry erase board with the challenges listed down. I've only written down the challenges through the day that I'm actually on So I don't get confused. That way throughout the day as I'm doing the changes I can put a checkmark by each thing to make sure I've done it. I have also been including my teen since she has recently gotten so into fitness and started taking walks with her to get my steps in (10,000 steps is change three) am recruited her to help me with the upcoming exercises to make sure I know how to do them (change 4). Hopefully having her motivation will help me!
I have never been skinny. I'm Sicilian. I have a major booty, hips, thighs and boobs. Since puberty. And I am short. I have done All The Things before: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, belonged to a gym, taken Yoga, owned every type of fitness tape out there, low carb diet, ect, ect, ect. Nothing sticks. I hate dieting. I hate working out. Any weight I did manage to ever lose came right back plus some when I went off it/stopped doing it. I love chocolate. I hate running. I never get enough sleep and I make bad choices because I am rushing around or so tired that I stop caring that I am eating leftover Chinese food at 10pm.
So I came across This Book at just the right time when the holidays (Cookies! Pies! Chocolate! Chips! Rolls!) derailed my good eating and I was feeling particularly down. I need something that helps me learn to actually fix all the bad behaviors I have picked up over the years, not do some fad diet or workout that's temporary. Make one Change a day? Build on the one change and make a new change every day for 30 days? That sounded like something I could do. It's manageable. It's based on the idea that Rome wasn't built in a day. I am familiar with the author. She seems...real. She seems sincere. The advice, the changes...it's all broken down very simply. It's not confusing to figure out what to do. It's almost like a plan for dummies, which is me. you don't have to read forever just trying to figure out exactly what you are supposed to do for the day. The first lines of every chapter are exactly what the challenge entails so you know right away what you're supposed to be doing. Then there's a little more helpful information and real-life stories after that. I only try to read a couple chapters ahead so I know what's in store so that I can prepare myself.
I want to lose weight, sure. But more than that, I want to make actual changes that will carry me throughout life. Nothing brought this home more than my teen daughter who recently lost weight. At dinner one night she was saying how she was just going to continue her exercising and eating right until she lost all the weight she wanted then she could stop. I had to explain to her that when she stopped and went back to her old ways she would gain all the weight back. She hadn't even thought about that. I know it all too well and I don't want to go back to this crappy way of taking care of myself.
The first change is to drink water. That's easy enough. The second change is to keep a food log and exchange it with friends to keep yourself honest and to see the changes you might make when someone else is reading Exactly what you are eating. If anyone reading this is interested in joining me in this adventure please comment with your email or send me an email too muchadoaboutnothingblogger@gmail.com and we can exchange food logs. I actually think having relative strangers reading my food log would be helpful because strangers shouldn't feel worried about calling me out if I've eaten half of a large pizza by myself. So if you are out there trying to get healthier and lose weight and you think this might be helpful for you please email me!! There is power, and safety, in numbers.
Since the changes build on each other and until I get to a place where the changes are second nature I am keeping a dry erase board with the challenges listed down. I've only written down the challenges through the day that I'm actually on So I don't get confused. That way throughout the day as I'm doing the changes I can put a checkmark by each thing to make sure I've done it. I have also been including my teen since she has recently gotten so into fitness and started taking walks with her to get my steps in (10,000 steps is change three) am recruited her to help me with the upcoming exercises to make sure I know how to do them (change 4). Hopefully having her motivation will help me!
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